Relationships: The Disorganized Attachment Style

September 30, 2016   •  Posted in: 

A disorganized person is a hodgepodge of responses without a consistent pattern.  If there is a pattern, it is that there is no pattern.  The disorganized person has come to view relationships, often because of the presence of abuse, as a source of both comfort and fear.  As a result, they may vacillate between a secure response one minute and an avoidant response the next.  A disorganized person is in conflict and answers questions about love this way:

  1. No, I am not worthy of being loved.
  2. No, I am not able to do what I need to do to get the love I need.
  3. No, other people are not reliable and trustworthy.
  4. No, other people are not accessible and willing to respond to me when I need them.

Because there is no surety anywhere, a disorganized person will use whatever strategy they think might work at any given time, bouncing from one to another, trying anything to gain relational ground. 

Statements for the Disorganized Attachment Style:

  • My feelings are very confusing to me, so I try not to feel them.
  • My feelings are very intense and overwhelming.
  • I feel torn between wanting to be close to others and wanting to pull away.
  • My partner complains that sometimes I’m really needy and clingy and other times I’m distant and aloof.
  • I have a difficult time letting others get close to me, but once I let them in, I worry about being abandoned or rejected.
  • I feel very vulnerable in close relationships.
  • Sometimes I feel very disconnected from myself and my feelings.
  • I can’t decide whether or not I want to be in close relationships.
  • Other people can really hurt me if I let them get too close.
  • Close relationships are difficult to come by because people tend to be unpredictable in their actions and behaviors. 

A disorganized person lives a life of crisis and chaos.  A moment of calm is disrupted and may be subconsciously sabotaged in order for them to return to the chaotic, to the known and the “normal.”  When chaos is normal, the emotional turmoil that accompanies chaos and trauma can also become normal. 

Constantly inundated by an avalanche of intense emotions, the disorganized person learns to dissociate from them, essentially detaching from their emotions.  As the disorganized person detaches from their emotions, they become less able to recognize, manage, or control these emotions.  The more they detach from the emotional self, the less they are able to learn from experiences, the more vulnerable they become to repeating past mistakes and miscalculations.  The more they repeat past mistakes and miscalculations, the more this cycle is intensified and the less grasp on self the disorganized person is able to maintain.  In Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships, the disorganized attachment style is also called the shattered self. 

If you are struggling with relationship dependency, our team at The Center • A Place of HOPE is skilled at addressing the symptoms today, but also unearthing and healing the root of the issues. For more information, fill out this form or call 1-888-747-5592 to speak confidentially with a specialist today.

Dr. Gregory Jantz

Pioneering Whole Person Care over thirty years ago, Dr. Gregory Jantz is an innovator in the treatment of mental health. He is a best-selling author of over 45 books, and a go-to media authority on behavioral health afflictions, appearing on CBS, ABC, NBC, Fox, and CNN. Dr. Jantz leads a team of world-class, licensed, and...

Read More

Related Posts

The Power of Altering Your Perceptions

By: Dr. Gregory Jantz  •  August 19, 2015

Your life patterns are the result of your perception or view of life, and what you believed would happen. These are often forged in childhood. Once you understand your personal life patterns, you will be better able to discover certain perceptions and expectations that led you to either negative or...

Common Physical Ailments that Cause Depression

By: Dr. Gregory Jantz  •  June 16, 2015

The human body is intricately interconnected. Our physical bodies can influence our mental health, and vice versa. One example of this symbiotic relationship is depression. Physical ailments can often have mental repercussions, including depression. Below is a list of common physical problems that have a proven correlation with depression. Heart...

What is the Bargaining Stage of Grief?

By: Dr. Gregory Jantz  •  September 2, 2023

Bargaining is one of the five stages of grief. The five stages of grief is a model also known as the Kübler-Ross model after Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who coined the phrase in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying[1]. Although the Kübler-Ross model was developed to support terminally ill...

Get Started Now

"*" indicates required fields

Name*
By providing your phone number, you consent to receive calls or texts from us regarding your inquiry.
When Would You Like To Start Treatment?*
Main Concerns*
By submitting this form, I agree to receive marketing text messages from aplaceofhope.com at the phone number provided. Message frequency may vary, and message/data rates may apply. You can reply STOP to any message to opt out. Read our Privacy Policy
This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Whole Person Care

The whole person approach to treatment integrates all aspects of a person’s life:

  • Emotional well-being
  • Physical health
  • Spiritual peace
  • Relational happiness
  • Intellectual growth
  • Nutritional vitality