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Surviving Sexual Temptation
By Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D.
Two men of God.
Two situations of sexual temptation.
One was harassed, falsely accused, and wound up in jail.
The other kept his position, stayed in power, and got the girl.
One displeased God, while the other did right in God’s sight.
On the surface of these two situations, it might appear that the rewards of sexual purity are a bit skewed. For it was the one who did right in God’s sight who wound up thrown into prison. The one who displeased God stayed right were he was, in power, with the object of his desire. Yet, within the stories of these two men, great insight can be gained into how to stay pure, even when sexually tempted in your ministry.
Joseph and David
If you’re in ministry, you will be tempted sexually. It does no good to protest and say, “not me!” because you will be. If you think you are above or beyond temptation, you are already sowing the seeds of failure. For, there will come a time when you’re confronted with a person or a situation that threatens to compromise all your best intentions. At that point, you can choose to act like Joseph or like David. The pattern you choose will determine your success at surviving sexual temptation.
The Pattern of David
In 2nd Samuel, chapter 11, the Bible tells the story of King David and Bathsheba. King David lusts after Bathsheba and sleeps with her, even though she is married to Uriah. Bathsheba becomes pregnant and King David arranges to have Uriah killed in battle, in order to marry her. He is successful in killing Uriah, marrying Bathsheba, having a son by her, and thoroughly displeasing God.
Let’s look at David’s temptation and how he met the challenge:
- First Contact – David is out on his own rooftop during the evening and sees Bathsheba bathing on another nearby. Instead of recognizing that it is inappropriate for him to view a woman bathing, he notices her beauty. (verse 2)
- Follow Up – Because he’s the King, he sends someone to find out who she is. He could have ended the whole incident back on the rooftop, as just an unfortunate accident, but he allows himself to think enough about her to want to know who she is. (verse 3)
- Follow Through – Even though he has been informed that she is a married woman (verse 3), he still sends for her and sleeps with her (verse 4). At this point it is no longer temptation, it is accomplished sin.
The Pattern of Joseph
Joseph, likewise, finds himself in a situation of sexual temptation with the wife of his employer, Potiphar (Genesis 39). Joseph is a slave in Egypt who is given control over Potiphar’s household, and the Lord blesses the house through Joseph. After Joseph has been living in the house for a time, Potiphar’s wife notices that he is handsome and propositions him. He refuses but she continues on a daily basis to attempt to seduce him. One day, catching him alone, she grabs his cloak but Joseph runs away. With cloak in hand, she falsely accuses David of the very thing he has been refusing to do and Potiphar has him thrown in prison.
Let’s look at Joseph’s temptation and how he met the challenge:
- First Contact – Joseph has been living and working in Potiphar’s house since being sold into slavery as a young man (verses 1-6). One day, Potiphar’s wife sees him for the first time as an object of sexual desire and propositions him (verse 7). Joseph refuses and provides her, and himself, with the reason for his refusal – the trust Potiphar has shown him and Joseph’s understanding that doing so would be a sin before God (verses 8-9).
- Follow Up – Potiphar’s wife does not take no for an answer. Daily, she continues to attempt to seduce Joseph. His response is to maintain his refusal and to avoid contact with her as much as possible (verse 10).
- Follow Through – Repeatedly rejected, Potiphar’s wife becomes so angry she falsely accuses Joseph of trying to seduce her, angering Potiphar and landing Joseph in jail (verses 11-20). Throughout this ordeal, Joseph remains faithful.
The True Outcome
David displeases God and appears to get away with it. Joseph remains faithful to God and winds up in prison. That is often the topsy-turvy way sexual temptation can seem. It appears that it is better and more pleasurable to give in to the temptation. Your initial desire may be to capitulate to the temptation. It can also be embarrassing or difficult to rebuke someone else’s sexual advances. As in David and Joseph’s situations, the true outcome often appears later down the road.
In David’s case, he did end up marrying Bathsheba and conceiving a son through her. But God was displeased and David suffered because of his sin. His son was taken from him through illness and David’s relationship with God suffered. From the depth of his remorse, David wrote the poignant Psalm 51.
In Joseph’s case, he maintained his steadfast commitment to God, recognizing that sleeping with his master’s wife would be a sin. Each time the temptation was presented, he refused and even went out of his way to avoid being near the woman.
Joseph went out of his way to avoid temptation, while David pursued Bathsheba.
Joseph also remembered who was sovereign over his life, both his earthly master, Potiphar, and his heavenly father, God.
David thought himself above the law as King, while Joseph remained true to his Master.
Joseph did not protest being locked up in prison but recognized that God was with him. Joseph is then used by God in prison to further His plans for Israel.
Joseph could not envision a future without God, while David could not envision a future without Bathsheba.
So, what does all this mean for you in ministry? The stories are ancient but the truths are eternal.
- Sexual temptations are a part of life and can come in a variety of circumstances.
- Do not consider yourself above temptation by toying around its edges, for you will fall.
- When faced with temptation, place your relationship with God above your relationship with any other person.
- If necessary, avoid contact with a person who is trying to sexually ensnare you.
- If unavoidable, run like crazy!
- Don’t count on the outcome of confronting sexual temptation to always be pleasant.
- Realize that God can forgive sexual transgression but you still must bear the burden of its inevitable consequences.
- Trust God to bless you in your faithfulness, even if it takes a while for you to understand.
The above article written by Dr. Jantz is reprinted from Survivor Issue of Online Single Adult Ministry Journal
Above Reproach
By Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D.
Matt was tired. Tired of watching his words. Tired of analyzing every situation. Tired of having to jump through hoops, making sure there was plenty of clearance on all sides. Tired of making sure every one else was happy.
What would it matter, really, if he let down his guard, just a little? Jennifer had asked him to come over, said she wanted to talk. What could it hurt? She was new to the area. Was it so out of line for him to set aside some time to help integrate her into the group? Wasn't that his job?
He wanted to go. He wanted to go alone. It was so much easier. He was tired of having to call up someone to go along every time he met with a woman. What was the harm in just going over there by himself? Nothing was going to happen. He was smarter than that. Where was the harm?
The Price of a Good Reputation
" And he must have a good reputation with those outside the church, so that he may not fall into reproach and the snare of the devil." (1 Timothy 3:5, NN)
Sometimes being a leader is an awful lot of work. Ministry itself is work but it can be even more work to do your ministry in a way that is above reproach. It takes deliberate planning, additional preparation, and thoughtful action. There are times when even the best, most responsible, leader asks the question, "Is it really worth it?” In their fatigue, they might be tempted to answer that question themselves. In their frustration, they might be tempted to substitute their own standards for God's.
Have you ever felt that way - that God's standards are really too strict? Maybe you took the chance once and nothing happened. No big deal, right? Wrong. You lowered your standards.
High Standards Keep You Above Reproach
God doesn't merely expect His leaders to maintain the same standards as everyone else. Rather, God raises the bar and calls His leaders to a higher level. They are to be above reproach.
God expects His sexual standards to be maintained by those He calls as spiritual leaders. God expects His sexual standards to be maintained through a deliberate commitment to purity. His standards are not to be relaxed even if they are time-consuming. They are not to be excused even if they are cumbersome. God understands that sexual purity is a blessing not a burden. He also understands that anything worth having is worth the effort.
Our sexuality is a gift from God. Sexual purity protects the gift. The gift is worth protecting for yourself. It's worth protecting for others. It's worth protecting to honor God.
Matt was tired. He just wasn't thinking clearly. Agreeing to see Jennifer had been a mistake - it was too late in the evening. And it was a mistake because Matt realized he'd been a little too pleased to hear Jennifer's voice over the phone .
Taking a deep breath, he looked up her phone number. He apologized and asked if it would be all right for several people from the single's group to come over Friday night after work. He suggested an impromptu "house-warming" for her new place. Instead of sounding disappointed, Jennifer promised to make her favorite salsa dip for the group.
After he hung up, Matt felt amazingly relieved. What in the world had he been thinking? He hadn't, that was the problem. But thankfully, he was thinking now.
The above article written by Dr. Jantz is reprinted from Issue #140
SAM Journal on Sexuality – a reality check
Sexual Boundaries for Christian Leaders and Others
by Gregg Jantz, PhD
Title: Watch Out for that First Step
Joe Martin looked out across the table. Everything was as it should be. Thanksgiving dinner spread before him, with all the trimmings. Family gathered around, with him at the head of the table. Giving a satisfied sigh, Joe bent his head to begin a prayer of thanks for the food. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a police car pull up along the sidewalk in front of his house. As his head sank lower to begin his prayer, so did his heart. With startling clarity, Joe knew why the two officers were making their way to his front door. A catch in his throat, he quickly thanked God for his wife, his family, for the bounty laid out before him. Just as he came to his, "Amen," the doorbell rang.
Joe was arrested for having sex with a fourteen year old student at the junior high school where he taught. Always a popular teacher, Joe seemed to attract those young girls who enjoyed testing the strength of their emerging sexuality. In short, they liked to flirt and Joe liked flirting back. After all, it was harmless. Just an exchange of words. Until Joe and one of his students started exchanging something more than words.
Flirting - the First Step
Joe Martin allowed a relationship, in which sex should have had no part, to become sexualized. The news today chronicles the damage done when this happens between teacher and student, parent and child, employer and employee, doctor and patient, pastor and parishioner. In fact, there is only one relationship which God approves as being sexualized; it's called marriage. As a leader in His kingdom, God has called you to use His wisdom in entering into any relationship where sex can become the focus, either through words or actions. As a leader according to Jesus' model, you will need to be prepared to use His wisdom to guide your relationships, to keep them from becoming inappropriately sexualized, and guiding others in having healthy relationships which are pleasing to God.
Single adults may think they have two built-in excuses for flirting to be perfectly acceptable. First, they're single, with no spouse to betray if their conversations with someone else takes on a sexual tone. Second, they're an adult; ordained by this society to be in control of their own destiny, responsible for their own actions. Why, they'll ask, shouldn't they be allowed a little harmless flirting?
Step by Step
They may tell you that flirting is no big deal. It's used for everything from enhancing their self-image to promoting themselves at work. It's tongue-and-cheek not verbal foreplay. It's about attitude not actions. It's about teasing not tempting. It's not like having sex. You may even tend to agree with them. Of course, to the world, sex is no big deal. It's used for everything from enhancing your self-image to selling shaving cream. It's about choice not consequences. It's about desire not decision. It's about the here-and-now not the hereafter. Ask yourself, what model are you using for deciding there's nothing wrong with flirting - God's or the world's? Which model should you be using when treating a single adult about their relationships?
Flirting begins a progressive process of sexualizing not only the relationship, but by extension, the person in the relationship. The more a person engages in sexualized conversation, flirting, the more they begin to objectify the other person by focusing solely on their sexuality as a basis for the relationship. They begin to anticipate interaction with them on a sexual level. How do they look? How do I look? What are they wearing? How does flirting with them make me feel? Have I become excited at the prospect of interacting with them?
As a Christian leader, you need to be honest about your own behavior and relationships and be above reproach. As you seek to work with single adults for whom sexualized relationships may be a problem, be sure to look in the mirror and take out whatever log may be in your own eye before you deal with a speck in theirs. Ask yourself the following questions about your relationships and answer honestly:
- Have I ever participated in, or been the recipient of, flirtatious sexual comments?
- Have those comments caused me to become sexually interested in the other person?
- Am I attracted to someone at this time, either at the office, at church, in a social setting or on the Internet, with whom a relationship, if pursued, would seriously compromise me in some way?
- Am I now involved with someone in a relationship, friendship, or professional situation about which I feel uncomfortable?
- Am I concerned over how much I enjoy, and even need, the constant approval of the opposite sex?
- Do I enjoy flirting with other people, especially those who I find physically attractive?
- If I feel my partner is ignoring me, do I seek someone else's attention?
To God, what you think equates to who you are. He holds you accountable for what you think as well as what you do. Jesus is quite specific that any man who lusts after a woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28). What you think about matters to God.
He is also concerned with your words. Jesus also says in Matthew (15:11) that what comes out of your mouth makes you unclean. Colossians 3:8 warns of the danger of "filthy language from your lips." What you talk about matters to God.
Risk Assessment
Why do these things matter to God if it's just thought and speech, not action? Because God knows that thought and speech lead to action; especially when dealing with something as powerful as our sexuality. Jack Hayford, pastor of The Church on the Way refers to ten reasons why sexual sins can be so damaging - even more so than other indiscretions. Flirting and sexualizing relationships lead to these damaging sexual sins.
Hayford says,
- They stain the deepest part of a person's identity.
- They exploit the deepest aspects of our emotionality.
- They pollute the fountainhead of our highest creativity.
- They produce guilt that cripples our confidence in God's forgiveness.
- They expose us to the risk of begetting and conceiving an unsupported child.
- They compromise the foundation of life's deepest human relationship.
- They increase the probability of multiplying the speed of disease.
- They give place to appetites that can only beget further unnatural behavior.
- They break trust with the whole body of Christ.
- They assault the pure lordship of Jesus in our lives.
God has called us to live ethically pure sexual lives. We cannot do that if we inject a sexual component into our relationships.
God has called us to tell others about His standards for their lives. We cannot do that if we refuse to live out those standards in our relationships with the very people we are trying to reach for Christ.
God has called us to defend the boundaries He has put in place. We cannot proclaim them in public if we pervert those boundaries in private.
"Why Sex Sins are Worse that Others" by Jack Hayford. Charisma & Christian Life. October 1989, pages 68-75.
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Sexual Recovery
Suggestions :
1. Get help for issues of sexual dysfunction.
2. Beware of using sex as a replacement addiction.
3. Practice assertiveness in your expression of sexual needs and preferences. Begin to own who you are sexually.
4. Be prepared for surfacing of tension and fears related to sex. They have been buried in alcohol and drugs for a long time for most of us. Talk about them if they arise.
5. Avoid the pressures of the performance and appearance traps. Doing the best we can with what we have got is good enough.
6. Own responsibility for your sexual behavior.
7. Be sensitive to the rights and needs of others.
8. Get the secrets out. Use your sponsor or a therapist. Place you secrets in a place that feels safe for you, so that you may begin to decrease feelings of shame.
9. If you are in a relationship with another recovering person, be sure to keep your programs separate.
10. Avoid the possibility of romance with sponsor. Choose a sponsor who is not the gender of preferred sexual partners.
11. Work the 12 Steps of recovery.
12. If sexual addiction is very serious, obtain Intensive Sexual Recovery Treatment.
