Printer-Friendly Document Printer-Friendly Version
About Us Center Facts Treatment Services Client Testimonials Office Hours Office Locations Helpful Reports Anger Communication Depression Eating Disorders ED-Helping Others Family Relationships Gambling Internet Addiction Internet Addiction Nutrition Relationships S.A.D.S. Sexual Issues Stress

Articles and Reports on Relationships

| Resolving Couple Conflicts | Loving Relationships |
| Traits of a Dysfunctional Family | Co-dependent Person |
|  When Someone Has Hurt You | Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse |
| Description of Boundaries | Assertiveness |

16 Relationship Essentials

 


Dr. Phil recommends
The Center, Inc. to one of his
TV counseling couples in regards
to Anger Management Counseling.
Click here to see Video Clip

Reports on Anger, Communication and Family Issues

| Articles/Reports Home Page | Download Articles/Reports  |

'Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse' by Dr. JantzHealing the Scars of Emotional Abuse
In this helpful guide, Christian therapist Gregory Jantz examineswhy emotional abuse is so common and damaging. He reveals how those who have been abused by a spouse, parent, employer, or minister can overcome the past and rebuild their self-image. Also good for those who have been emotionally abusive. There is hope!

 

 

Ten Steps For Resolving Couple Conflicts

1. Set a time and place for discussion.
2. Define the problem or issue of disagreement.
3. How do you contribute to the problem?
4. List things you have done in the past which have not been successful.
5. Brainstorm and list all possible solutions.
6. Discuss every one of these solutions.
7. Agree on one solution to try.
8. Agree how each person will work toward the solution.
9. Set a time for another meeting to review your progress.
10. Reward each other as you contribute toward the solution.

Every couple has differences and disagreements, but healthy couples find ways to resolve marital disputes without turning them into marital wars. These couples accept and appreciate the fact that each person has independent opinions. They encourage open expression and work together to reach a settlement.

If you have difficulty resolving differences without serious arguments, try the following exercise. It will boost your problem-solving success rate.

This is not a game. As simple as the exercise looks, it may be hard for you to complete. If you cannot finish it, try again at a future date.

1. Schedule a specific date, time and place for a couple meeting within the next week. Allow at least 30 minutes.

Meeting Date:
Time:
Place:

2. Select one important issue that you would like to resolve and list it for discussion:

3. How do you each contribute to the problem? Without blaming each other, list the things that you each do that has not helped resolve the problem.

Male:
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.

Female:
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.

4. List things you have done in the past which have NOT been successful.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.

Sixteen Essentials For Building Loving Relationships

1. STRIVE TO CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT CONDUCIVE TO THREE (3) CRITICAL HUMAN NEEDS:

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:36-39

2. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE MORE VULNERABLE:

"One thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3: 13-14)

3. FREE YOURSELF AND OTHERS TO EXPRESS FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS WITHOUT ATTACHING NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES:

4. PRACTICE BEING A HEALTHY PROBLEM SOLVER:

'When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble and give more honor to others than yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others." (Philippians 2: l-4)

5. MAKING A PRACTICE (LIFESTYLE) OF LOVE, ACCEPTANCE AND FORGIVENESS:

"Love patiently accepts all things, always hopes and always remains strong." (I Corinthians 13:7)

6. BUILDING MUTUAL RESPECT AND ESTEEMING EACH OTHER:

1. Encouraging each other
2. Honoring each other
3. Beholding each other
4. Serving each other
5. Greeting each other in Love

"The whole body depends on Christ and all the parts of the body are joined and held together. Each part does its own work to make the whole body grow and be strong with love." (Ephesians 4: 15)

7.CREATING AND RESPECTING "INTELLIGENT BOUNDARIES":

8. COMMITMENT TO LISTENING TO EACH OTHER:

9. CREATE ONGOING BONDING EXPERIENCES:

10. WILLINGNESS TO EXERCISE MUTUAL ACCOUNTABILITY:

"He who walks with the wise will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed." (Proverbs 13:20)

11. PRACTICE MUTUAL SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT:

12. CARRY AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE AND CONTENTMENT:

" . . .comparing themselves among themselves, they are not wise." (II Corinthians 10: 12)

13. PRACTICING AND ENCOURAGING SELF-CARE

14. CULTIVATE/ALLOW INTIMACY TO DEVELOP VS. DEMANDING/FORCING IT:

15. LIVE WITHOUT REGRET IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WHEREVER IT IS UP TO YOU:

16. CELEBRATE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS:

"I thank God everyday for you... " the Apostle Paul

Comparison Between

CULT DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
Distorted view of God, others, self, and authority Distorted view of God, others, self, and authority
Closed system. Closed system.
Rigid, unspoken rules with serious penalties which guarantee control. Rigid, unspoken rules with serious penalties which guarantee control.
Restriction/control of all choices by members. Restriction/control of all choices by members.
Undue influence, thought control, manipulation. Undue influence, thought control, manipulation.
Cult important; individual unimportant. Family important; individual unimportant.
Uncertain boundaries. Uncertain boundaries.
Control by physical abuse. Control by physical abuse.
Control by verbal abuse. Control by verbal abuse.
Control by sexual abuse. Control by sexual abuse.
Control by ritualistic practices, fear. Control by ritualistic practices, fear.
Dependency on group; independent functioning discouraged/sabotaged. Dependency on family; independent functioning discouraged/sabotaged.
Rigidity; security by stable sameness. Rigidity; security by stable sameness.
Exploitation of individual industry/resources Exploitation of individual industry/resources
Relentless shaming, guilting. Relentless shaming, guilting.
Rules about emotions. Rules about emotions.

Boundaries Survey

Common Characteristics Of The Co-Dependent

1. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This, in turn, has enabled us not to look too closely at our faults.

2. We "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too much.

3. We are isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.

4. We have become approval-seekers and have lost our identity in the process.

5. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

6. We live from the viewpoint of -victims and are attracted by that. Weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

7. We judge ourselves harshly and have a low sense of self-esteem.

8. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do anything, to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emotionally for us.

9. We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

10. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.

11. We have either become chemically dependent, married one or both, or found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our own compulsive needs.

12. We have become addicted to excitement.

13. We are reactors in life rather than actors.

 

WHEN SOMEONE HAS HURT YOU

Ways of being "Hurt"

1. Overt Rejection (in childhood)- "I don't want to have anything to do with you."

2. Emotional/Verbal Abuse - ,including affliction of false guilt, demeaning verbalization, demands, and general consistent, inexcusable rudeness.

3. Physical and/or Sexual Abuse.

The Ten Action Steps

1. Recognize what the offense was:

a) Listen with your "heart".

b) Write out verbatim what was said.

c) Write out what you are feeling- (anger)?
 

2. Resist the tendency to defend your position.

a) Offer only your point of view.
 

3. Give up the need to be right.

4. Apologize for anything harmful  you may have done.

5. Respond versus React. Responding allows you to pause and take an opportunity to think before you act.

6. Build a bridge versus Attack back or Retreat

7. Realize you may be the target of another's anger, but not the source.

8. Create your personal limits and boundaries.

9. Realize if someone has hurt you - the hurt does not need to take away your personal happiness.

10. Practice Forgiveness - resist the tendency to harbor resentment or bitterness.

a) Release expectations you may have for the person, knowing they could hurt you again.

Four Bonus Steps

11. Pray for those who have hurt you. It can be a short, simple prayer.

12. Move on! It happened. It happened and it hurt and may even haunt you but see yourself as getting past it.

13. Watch to see if the other person "hurts" others. If so,

a) Share your experience

b) Collectively work together.
 

14. Release FEAR - Respond by risking.

 Complimentary Article on the Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse.

E-mail:

If you enter your e-mail address above, this report will be sent to you automatically within 20 minutes, so that you can read it at your convenience.

Or you may read the article using Adobe Acrobat. Click on
"Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse"


'Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse' by Dr. JantzIn this helpful guide, Christian therapist Gregory Jantz examines why emotional abuse is so common and damaging. He reveals how those who have been abused by a spouse, parent, employer, or minister can overcome the past and rebuild their self-image. Also good for those who have been emotionally abusive. There is hope!

 

 

 

Descriptions Of Boundaries

| Personal Boundaries Survey |

RIGID BOUNDARIES:
Physical:
Stiff body posture
Stoic
Uncomfortable being touched
Avoids touching or showing affection to others
Avoids physical closeness
Does not react or under-reacts
 “Stone face”
Very predictable behavior

Emotional:
Appears insensitive to the feelings of others
Appears aloof and disinterested
Does not show feelings
Does not talk about feelings
Seems emotionally numb
Attempts to meet needs and wants by themselves
Has difficulty asking for or accepting help from others
Does not react or under-react emotionally
Has difficulty giving or receiving from others

NO BOUNDARIES:

Physical:
Does not like being alone
Touches other without asking
Allows others to touch him/her even when it is uncomfortable or inappropriate
Is not aware of own need for privacy
Imposes on the privacy of others
Allows physical space to be invaded
Over-reacts to the feelings and behavior of others
Personalizes
Behavior is influenced by others
Is unpredictable

Emotional:
Feels everything
Feels the feelings of others
Cannot contain feelings
Over-discloses, tells to much
Is dependent on others for emotional well-being
Gets too close too fast
Feels like a victim
Experiences prolonged resentments
Is overwhelmed and preoccupied with others
Says yes when he/she wants to say no
Feels responsible for the feelings of others
Identity tied to being in an intimate relationship
Overcompensates
Expects others to meet needs
Gives too much
Takes too much
Unable to respect the rights of others

PARTIAL BOUNDARIES:

Physical:
May have extremes in need for physical space
Shows characteristics of fluctuation in boundaries
May have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile boundaries in others

Emotional:
Has mood swings
Is indirect-Example: Shares feelings about marriage with mother rather than with husband
Is emotionally inconsistent - may have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile boundaries particularly in intimate relationships

 

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES:

Physical:
Makes physical boundary clear to others
Respects and is sensitive to the needs and rights of others
Is able to negotiate and compromise
Asks permission before touching others

Emotional:
Shares feelings appropriately and directly
Is assertive
Is interdependent
Identifies choices
Is able to make mistakes without damage to self-esteem
Has an internal sense of personal identity
Can allow “differentness” in others
Tolerates and accepts differences of opinion without altering their own
Is sensitive to feelings of others (empathetic)

 

OTHER SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Sexual:
Having sex when you do not want to
Falling in love at first sight
Intimate sharing on first meeting
Using sex as a reward or punishment
Inability to distinguish between love and sex
Manipulating another person through sex
Feeling a need to always be in a sexual relationship
Attaching self-esteem to sexual attraction
Forcing sex on someone who does not want it
Sexual abuse

Physical:
Touching others without asking
Physical intimidation
Not allowing other privacy
Not protecting your own need for privacy
Physical abuse

Emotional:
Verbal abuse
Making threats
Assuming I know what someone else feels
Assuming others know what I feel
Expecting others to know my needs and meet them
Assuming to know the needs of others
Over-reaction to feelings or behavior of others
Insisting others tell us how they feel
Not respecting the rights of others
Intolerance to difference in opinion
Dependence on others for my sense of well-being
Inability to ask for help
Personalizing
Need for constant reassurance from others
Going against personal values and morals to please others
Unclear about preferences
Accepting gifts that I don’t want
Making material gifts the measure of another’s caring
Over giving
Frequent advice-giving; with expectation that others follow it

 

MY BOUNDARIES

What kind of boundary do I have?

Where in my life is it the hardest to have a healthy boundary?

What changes would I like to make in my boundary?

What do I need to do to make these changes

Assertiveness

As a person I have a right to:

1. Be treated with respect

2. Have and express my own feelings and options. “When you _________, I feel ___________. I prefer that you (do) ___________.

3. Be listened to and taken seriously

4. Set my own priorities

5. Say no without feeling guilty

6. Ask for what I want

7. Make mistakes and be responsible for them

8. Be uncertain or uncommitted as to what I want, and need time to make decisions

9. Ask for information and/or support from professional, family, and friends when I feel I want it (even though I may be turned down)

10. Say “I don’t have the answer”

11. Say “I need some time to think that over”

12. Say "I don't understand"

13. Say "I don't agree"

14. Have my needs as important as others

15. Change my mind

16. Grow, learn, and change

17. Feel and express anger

18. Be competent and be proud of my accomplishments

19. Be myself

20. Choose not to assert myself

Assertive behavior meets standing up for what I think and feel while respecting the rights of others.

Boundaries Survey