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________________

"A SYSTEM OF DISCIPLINE EVERYONE CAN LIVE WITH"

Adapted by Mike Weiford, M.S.W., A.C.S.W.
The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Here are the definitions of concepts that highlight the healthy approach to discipline as part of the parental role (*).

Definitions (per Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary):

1) Punish: penalty, pain, retribution/retaliation, hurt, to deal with harshly.

2) Punishment: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution.

3) *Discipline: train or develop by instruction; training that corrects, molds or perfects the mental faculties of moral character; self-control; a rule or system of rules governing conduct.

The following Bible verses are designed to promote wholeness and true peace between us and our children:

Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land of the Lord your Cod is giving You.

-Exodus 20~12 (NIV)

Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Lord. –Ephesians 6:l-4, The Message

Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it. -Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)

Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits (The Message), and they will become discouraged! -Colossians 3:20-21 (NIV)

The following is an outline of a discipline system that is able to be adapted for use with children 2 years - 17 years of age.

The foundation of this discipline system is a balanced and current list of the parents’ house rules:

EXAMPLE

OKAY	NOT OKAY
1.Gentle hugs and ok touch with permission.	1.No hitting, kicking, biting, or other physical harm.
2. Talk honestly, politely kindly to others.	2. No yelling, swearing, name calling or put downs.
3. Wait your turn.	3. No interrupting.
4. Listening to and following parents direction.	4. No ignoring or refusing parents directions.
5. Etc.	5. Etc.

Once the balanced list of the agreed upon house rules has been verbally reviewed with the child (with special emphasis/demonstration of the "OKAY" list), the stage is set for implementation of the following system of discipline when a serious or repeated violation occurs. When both parents are present, only one is the designated spokesperson through-out from start to finish. It is best for both parents to take turns with spokesperson role.

I. CONFRONTATION

A. "I need you to come with me and have a seat". (neutral place - not the child’s room)

B. "Your mistake was that you _________"

C. "I need you to sit here to think about your mistake (30 seconds -3 minutes depending on age and attention span), and when I come back I want you to tell me what your mistake was".

II. 1st TIME OUT

A. For young or impulsive children, it is fine for the parents to sit down near the child during the "time out".

III. CONFESSION

A. "Thank you for sitting for the time out".

B. "What was your mistake?" (this assists in activating the young child’s conscience)

C. If child takes responsibility by verbalizing the original mistake:

1. "Thank you for telling me your mistake".

D. If child refuses to verbalize the original mistake:

I. "It looks like you need a few more minutes to sit and think about your mistake".

2. Repeat what the mistake was (statement by parent).

3. Repeat Step II. Parents need to be able to demonstrate that they are willing and able to "outlast" the child. Only proceed to next step when Step III is completed.

IV. 2nd TIME OUT

A. "Now I want you to sit for a couple of minutes (same length of time as 1st time out) to think of a ‘positive job’ you can do".

B. A constructive/non - shaming chore/task is similar to "community service" of contributing back to the family community, while re-building the child’s self esteem after being "humbled".

V. HUDDLE

A. "What ideas do you have for a positive job’?"

B. It is fine for parents to incorporate child’s ideas. The "rule of thumb" is that the task is most effective when:

1. It is not directly related to the original mistake. If there is a mess that needs to be cleaned up as a result of the original mistake, it is best for the parent to offer to help the child clean up the mess after the last step of the system of discipline.

2. The task is age appropriate and approximately l-2 minutes for every year of the child’s emotional age. Example: 7 year old impulsive/immature child = 10 minutes.

VI. POSITIVE JOB

A. Parent gives clear direction on what task is assigned, how it is to be completed if necessary, and what the expectations are for the end result. Example: Pick up all toys from child’s bedroom floor and put them away where they belong (show where they go).

B. Have the child come and get the parent when the task is finished.

VII. REJOIN TO REVIEW POSITIVE JOB

A. Child gets parent when task is finished.

B. Parent: "Show me what you did".

C. Inspect task, if not fully completed: "Do you need me to help you finish, or can you finish this part yourself?"

D. When task is completed: "Thank you for doing this job, you did a good job!"

VIII. FORGIVENESS

A. Give child a hug at their eye level.

B. While giving hug, say: "I forgive you".

C. If the original mistake involved harm to another person or destruction of property make a plan for the child to make amends and any age appropriate restitution.

D. Once the original mistake is forgiven and done with, do not bring it up again.

E. Work through multiple significant mistakes singularly: going through steps I - VIII for each one.

When first implementing this system, look for opportunities for helping the child "catch him/herself" regarding minor infractions: "Paul, what is the rule about that?" "Thank you, please follow the rule"

Roles of Parents

The following is a list of the key elements of the job description for the role of PARENT. Under the column marked “Limitations”, list factors that may limit the completion of the parental responsibilities. You may also want to list the individuals in your family’s support system who help with certain responsibilities that you have delegated.

RESPONSIBILITIES	LIMITATIONS
1) Provide basic needs: Food Clothing Adequate shelter	1)
2) Provide safety and security Teach personal safety Prevent Victimization	2)
3) Coordinate educational needs	3)
4) Teach personal grooming/hygiene Sexual development information	4)
5) Ensure medical & health needs Physical Emotional	5)
6) Teach right and wrong Spiritual care	6)
7) Teach discipline/reasonable limits Using good judgment, not discipline out of anger or rage.	7)
8) Teach social skills	8)
9) Provide/coordinate recreational needs	9)
10) Teach/model communication Language skills	10)
11) Teach/model appropriate problem-solving Prevent drug abuse	11)
12) Care/nurturing Hugs and kisses Comfort Encouragement	12)
13) Coordinate 24 hour adult Supervision up to age 18 or legal emancipation	13)

Ten Steps For Resolving Couple Conflicts

1. Set a time and place for discussion.
2. Define the problem or issue of disagreement.
3. How do you contribute to the problem?
4. List things you have done in the past which have not been successful.
5. Brainstorm and list all possible solutions.
6. Discuss every one of these solutions.
7. Agree on one solution to try.
8. Agree how each person will work toward the solution.
9. Set a time for another meeting to review your progress.
10. Reward each other as you contribute toward the solution.

Every couple has differences and disagreements, but healthy couples find ways to resolve marital disputes without turning them into marital wars. These couples accept and appreciate the fact that each person has independent opinions. They encourage open expression and work together to reach a settlement.

If you have difficulty resolving differences without serious arguments, try the following exercise. It will boost your problem-solving success rate.

This is not a game. As simple as the exercise looks, it may be hard for you to complete. If you cannot finish it, try again at a future date.

1. Schedule a specific date, time and place for a couple meeting within the next week. Allow at least 30 minutes.

Meeting Date:
Time:
Place:

2. Select one important issue that you would like to resolve and list it for discussion:

3. How do you each contribute to the problem? Without blaming each other, list the things that you each do that has not helped resolve the problem.

Male:
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.

Female:
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.

4. List things you have done in the past which have NOT been successful.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.

WHAT IS A HEALTHY FAMILY?

Non-Enduring Traits
Frantic living
Extremes/addictions
Insecurity among leaders and children
Lack of consistency
Unrealistic fears of abandonment
Low self-esteem
Loneliness
Physical ailments
Emotional drain
Fighting for control
Loss of comfort
Excessive guilt/control
Lack of freedom for personal decision-making
Deception, lying, hidden information
Taking sides ― power-plays
Allowing children to create divisions between parents
Spoiling
Rules without meaning or reasonable foundation.
Religious rigidity
Step-parenting conflicts or boundary issues
Lack of fun activities
Making comparisons between family members
Shame-based punishments vs. appropriate discipline
Unrealistic expectations

Enduring Traits of a Healthy Family
Respect for individual differences/personalities
Consistency in word and deed
Security and comfort
Open-mind and open-door for problem-solving
Belief in positive outcomes
Unity among leaders
Acceptance in disagreements
Pre-understanding of repercussions
Planned bonding activities
Give and receive opinions
Clear boundaries
Self-confidence; trust and assurance in one's own abilities and judgments
Freedom to develop and express one's own gifts
Enduring component of hope
Forgiveness practiced
Not using the past as a reference point for the future

Comparison Between

CULT	DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
Distorted view of God, others, self, and authority	Distorted view of God, others, self, and authority
Closed system.	Closed system.
Rigid, unspoken rules with serious penalties which guarantee control.	Rigid, unspoken rules with serious penalties which guarantee control.
Restriction/control of all choices by members.	Restriction/control of all choices by members.
Undue influence, thought control, manipulation.	Undue influence, thought control, manipulation.
Cult important; individual unimportant.	Family important; individual unimportant.
Uncertain boundaries.	Uncertain boundaries.
Control by physical abuse.	Control by physical abuse.
Control by verbal abuse.	Control by verbal abuse.
Control by sexual abuse.	Control by sexual abuse.
Control by ritualistic practices, fear.	Control by ritualistic practices, fear.
Dependency on group; independent functioning discouraged/sabotaged.	Dependency on family; independent functioning discouraged/sabotaged.
Rigidity; security by stable sameness.	Rigidity; security by stable sameness.
Exploitation of individual industry/resources	Exploitation of individual industry/resources
Relentless shaming, guilting.	Relentless shaming, guilting.
Rules about emotions.	Rules about emotions.

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