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| Confrontation Guidelines | Communication Rules | Healthy Communicator |
| Listening |  Healthy Problem Solver |
| Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse |

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CONFRONTATION GUIDELINES

Confrontation is most often necessitated when the behavior of one person negatively impacts the feelings/attitudes of another. The pain caused by the initial behavior creates a barrier in a relationship if it is not shared openly. Stored pain eventually explodes and ultimately can destroy a relationship.

Caring confrontations are usually well thought out and are best structured in the following manner:

1. Introduction:

2. Affirmation:

3. Agreement to Discuss:

4. Behavior Description: (Do not make inferences about the other person's motives, attitudes or character. Be specific and objective.)

5. Disclosure of Feelings: (Use 'I' statements and share your feeling(s).)

6. Describe Effect:

7. Active Listen for the Response: (Wait for a response and demonstrate your love for the other person by using your Active/Reflective Listening Skill.)
 

Avoid Certain Pitfalls

The following practices prevent meaningful communication from continuing.

1. Command (give orders, issue directives)

2. Warn (threaten, admonish)

3. Preach

4. Give advice

5. Teach (give lectures and arguments)

6. Judge (criticize, blame, disagree)

7. Praise (offer premature, positive judgment)

8. Shame

9. Analyze (diagnose, interpret)

10.Console (reassure, sympathize, talk them out of it)

Confrontation

The word confrontation stirs up negative thoughts and feelings for most of us. This is primarily true because so many confrontations have been fueled by destructive, suspicious and hateful motives. Where this occurs there are injuries and broken relationships. Confrontations attempted when feelings are intense are invariably destructive efforts.

RULES FOR COMMUNICATION

1. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication is more powerful than verbal communication.

2. Define what is important and stress it. Define what is unimportant and ignore it.

3. Make your communication as realistically positive as possible.

4. Be clear and specific in your communication.

5. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements.

6. Test all your assumptions verbally. Get your partner's OK before you act.

7. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view.

8. Recognize that your family members are experts on you and your behavior.

9. Do not allow discussions to turn into destructive arguments.

10. Be open and honest about your feelings. Bring up all significant problems, even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb your partner.

11. Do not use unfair techniques: do not engage in 'dirty fighting.'

12. Let the effect, not the intention, of your communication be your guide.

13. Accept all feelings and try to understand them: do not accept all actions, but try to understand them.

14. Be tactful, considerate and courteous: show respect for your partner and his/her feelings.

15. Do not preach or lecture; ask questions instead.

16. Do not use excuses and do not fall for excuses.

17. Do not nag, yell or whine.

18. Learn when to use humor and when to be serious. Do not subject your partner to destructive teasing.

19. Learn to listen with heart and mind.

20. Beware of playing destructive games
 

Unfair Communication Tactics

1. Pretending that the other person has made an unreasonable statement or demand.

2. Mind-reading, using psychology, jumping to conclusions. Pretending that one single motive constitutes complete motivation. Divination.

3. Bringing up more than one accusation at a time. (Trying to overwhelm the person with numerous accusations.)

4. Bragging.

5. Using logic to hide from emotional reality.

6. Interrupting.

7. Intimidating, threatening, yelling, screaming or exploding in anger.

8. Blaming the partner for something that he/she cannot help or cannot do anything about now.

9. Blaming the other person for something you do yourself.

10. Refusing to forgive.

11. Humiliating the partner. Using insults and epithets. Unfavorable comparisons. Rubbing it in. Exposing sensitive information about the other person to others.

12. Constantly badgering the other person in order to evolve a negative reaction.

13. Expressing hurt feelings without adequate reason.

14. The use of sarcasm and ridicule.

15. Silence, ignoring, sulking, pouting.

RAITS OF A HEALTHY COMMUNICATOR

1. Attitude of gratefulness

2. Spirit of problem-solving

3. Ability to speak truth

4.Ability to separate feelings from the message (content)

5. Recognizes the role of anger, fear, guilt

6. Understanding of "Male-Female brains"

7. Allows for difference of opinion

8. Operates from a position of acceptance and love

9. Motivations are to enhance and improve the relationship vs. destroy it

10. Releases another and believes in his/her ability to make decisions

11. Inspires trust by giving understanding, and responding in honesty

12. Seeks forgiveness when mistakes are made

13. Accountability

PRINCIPLES OF GOOD LISTENING

1. Practice and model good listening by paraphrasing, checking, using "I" statements, etc.

2. Learn to communicate clearly what we mean by checking what others heard us say.

3. Check to see if our perception matches that of the ones we are talking to by asking for feedback and clarification.

4. Learn to negotiate from time to time and not require something to be just as we have decided in advance that it should be.

5. Demonstrate empathy-by using expressions that show people that we do understand what they are feeling (rather than assume it away because we are uncomfortable with it).

CHARACTERISTICS OF A HEALTHY PROBLEM SOLVER

DEFINITIONS:

Problem - a question raised for inquiry, consideration or solution, usually with human conduct

Solution - an action or process of solving a problem, or an answer to a problem.

1. Motivation is to resolve, or deal successfully with the problem, instead of be "right."

2. Faces conflict instead of avoiding it.

3. Allows for and agrees to differences of opinion, understanding that people have different points of view.

4. Is clear about what is acceptable and what is not (Boundaries).

5. Knows that human beings make mistakes and so grants forgiveness.

6. Initiates forgiveness- Forgiveness: to give up resentment.

7. Allows God to have His vengeance, rather than taking his/her own.

8. Understands that the world is imperfect, and at times one will be a victim.

9. Uses a multi modal approach incorporating the intellect, the emotions, and the Spirit.

10. Singular in focus - deals with one problem at a time.

11. Able to anticipate positive outcomes instead of "doom and gloom."

12. Consistent in effort without forcing a predetermined solution.

13. Understands his/her God-given personal power of self-esteem.

14. Maximum use of "common sense."

15. Exercises wisdom and good sense and an ability to discern inner qualities.

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