Relationships: The Secure Attachment Style

The secure attachment style is the stable platform, the safe base, of relationships.  A person has a secure attachment style if they can answer yes to the following statements:

1. Yes, I am worthy of being loved.
2. Yes, I am able to do what I need to do to get the love I need.
3. Yes, other people are reliable and trustworthy.
4. Yes, other people are accessible and willing to respond to me when I need them.

Obviously, no parent is perfect, and no child correctly interprets everything that happens to them.  The secure attachment style is not based on perfection; it is based on a pattern in which the parent provides the child with confidence in their self-worth by demonstrating love and acceptance. 

The attachment style is based on the parent instilling in the child an understanding that they are able to get the love they need by demonstrating that love on a regular, consistent basis.  The child learns that other people are reliable and trustworthy when the parent exhibits those characteristics, providing structure and security.  Finally, the child becomes secure in relationships when the parent is accessible to the child and willingly responds to the child’s needs. 

How do you know if you have a secure attachment style?  People who have this attachment style exhibit specific characteristics and personality traits.  Here is a list of statements for those with a secure attachment style:

• I find it easy to share my feelings with people I’m close to. 
• I like it when my partner wants to share their feelings with me. 
• I am comfortable getting close to others, but I also feel comfortable being alone. 
• I expect my partner to respect who I am.
• I expect my partner to respond to my needs in a sensitive and appropriate way.
• Building intimacy in relationships comes relatively easy for me. 
• I let myself feel my emotions, but I’m rarely, if ever, overwhelmed by them.
• I am able to understand and respond sensitively to my partner’s feelings.
• I do a decent job of balancing my need for intimacy with my need for achievement and success. 
• When I get stressed, I feel comfortable seeking comfort from my partner and/or close friends.

The more you are able to agree with each of these statements, the more secure your attachment style.  In our experience, many people are able to agree with several of these statements but not all.  If you are unable to agree with all of these statements, don’t be discouraged.  Each of us can work toward a greater fulfillment of the benefits of secure attachment. 

If you are struggling with relationship dependency, our team at The Center • A Place of HOPE is skilled at addressing the symptoms today, but also unearthing and healing the root of the issues. For more information, fill out this form or call 1-888-747-5592 to speak confidentially with a specialist today.