The Center Internet Addiction     

INTERNET ADDICTION

The Center for Counseling & Health Resources, Inc. and Dr. Gregory L. Jantz has worked with individuals from around the world who struggle with all types of addictions, including Internet Addiction. The Internet can be a very helpful tool, but it can also be very detrimental and damaging to individuals and families.  People of all ages and walks of life can struggle with various types of Internet Addiction including internet gambling/gaming, unhealthy internet relationships, and internet pornography. 

At The Center we practice the "Whole Person Approach" to counseling for those who struggle with internet or internet pornography addiction. There are times when there are health or nutritional problems that can have an affect on emotions and decision making. If there is a void in a person spiritually or in relationship with others, individuals can become involved in inappropriate or unhealthy behavior. By treating the whole-person (emotional, intellectual, relational, physical, nutritional, and spiritual), our clients can achieve long term success since we are doing more than just helping clients stop inappropriate behavior.

On this web page we will discuss three types of Internet Addiction:

• Cyber-Kids: The Computer as Cyber-Pal

• Cyber-Affairs: The Computer as an Emotional Conduit

• Cyber-Porn: The Computer as a Willing Partner

There are also times that those who have an addiction are also experiencing depression. We encourage you to take our Depression Survey to help determine if you are living with depression. We want you to know there is a way out of depression. There is Hope! Give us a call.

Listen To Audio From Dr. Jantz "Moving Beyond Depression"
 

Cyber-Kids: The Computer as Cyber-Pal

When Jeremy was an infant, Helen swore to herself she wasn’t going to be like other parents who just let their children “veg” in front of the television for hours on end.  She truly intended to spend hours herself with Jeremy, reading books, making hand-crafts and enjoying “quality time” together.  She envisioned long, happy hours taking walks together every day and making collages out of the flotsam and jetsam they found on their journeys. 

But because of her work schedule, Helen found she needed time to get caught up on housework or small tasks.  More and more, she found herself plopping Jeremy in front of the television, “just for an hour or so” while she got caught up on her chores and occasionally so she could get a quick nap in.  The daily walks, collages, all the plans, kept getting pushed forward to “tomorrow” because Ed needed clean shirts for work or they were out of milk and bread or she was just to doggoned tired. 

By the time Jeremy was seven, he’d advanced from/i> watching television to working television, through the controller of the Nintendo system they’d gotten him for Christmas.  Jeremy was in love.  Little did she realize, it was just a taste of what was to come.

Each new system Jeremy snatched up with barely concealed desire.  Christmas, birthdays, allowance money all went to fuel this electronic drive.  Helen felt increasingly guilty over allowing Jeremy to indulge in all of these games, but he seemed so happy playing.  It was the same with the computer and the Internet.  Besides, she rationalized to herself and later vocalized to Ed, computers and the Internet are everywhere.  Everyone used them, at work and at home.  It was an edge for Jeremy, career-wise, to be able to operate one so well.  Sure, he was spending a lot of time on it, but think of all he was learning.  One day he’d be able to put all of that knowledge to good use. At least, she thought to herself, he wasn’t out standing on a street corner somewhere, doing drugs like other people’s kids.  He was home.  He was safe.

Children are not the definitive authority on what is good for them.  If left to their own devices, they could wind up eating pizza, candy and pop for every meal, never going to school and refusing to take medicine of any kind.  Not exactly a prescription for making it successfully into adulthood and beyond.  They need loving guidance to help them learn to make proper choices in life.  They do not come into this world with an inbred instinct for exemplary, correct behavior.  But they should come into this world within the context of a loving family, with parents who are concerned enough about their welfare to tell them to go to bed when they should, eat their vegetables, brush and floss daily.  And to turn off the computer when they’ve been on too long.

If you are a parent who is concerned about your child’s use of the computer and the Internet, you need to understand ultimately the issue with your child is not about how long (s)he is on the computer but who’s really in control.  Your child is determined to “win” this battle over the computer.  You need to be even more determined.

But does that mean a continual battle of wills, an “all or nothing” confrontation?  That depends on the level of dependency your child has developed with the computer.  The more emotionally tied they are to what they do while on-line, the harder it will be for you to extricate them from the keyboard and show them the brave new world outside. 

Step One:  Don’t Overreact.

Your perception of how much time your child spends on the computer may be skewed by your feelings, by your fear of what could happen.  You may not feel in control when your child is on the computer if (s)he is much more skilled than you.  You don’t like feeling out of control where your child is concerned, so every time (s)he gets on the computer, your inclination may be  to take back control and pull the plug. 

Everyone has hobbies.  Things they do to relax and take a little mental vacation.  Children are no different.  In fact, children spend a lot of time in alternate worlds.  Years ago, it was the gunfight at the OK Corral with a red felt hat, a metallic star and a pair of molded plastic six-shooters in a vinyl holster.   Even today, it can be a pile of dress up clothes, a box for a stage and a toy microphone.  What parent ever interrupted their child’s imaginary gunfight or the hours spent composing song-and-dance routines, saying they were spending too much time in that other world? 

A child can sit down and watch a video for almost two hours and the parent is probably the one who set up the DVD.  Or imagine a parent complaining about a child who is too engrossed reading a classic children’s story. The amount of time your child is on the computer needs to be placed in context with their attitude and other activities. 

Step Two:  Keep Track.

Before you confront your child with their out of control computer use, do your homework.  Keep track of how much time they are actually on the computer.  When you are home, be aware of when they log on and when they log off.  Too much trouble, you say?  By keeping track, you can determine whether or not your child’s computer time really is unreasonable.   By keeping track, you can show your child the proof of time spent on-line.  You’ll have something concrete to back you up when your child tries to invalidate any decision about modifying their on-line time.

Step Three:  Set Up A Schedule and Be Consistent.

Sometimes the way to avoid having this constant struggle over the computer is to mutually agree on a set period of time when your child can enjoy the computer.  Consider it a type of contract where you agree regarding computer use.  The contract removes your tendency to want to play Cyber Cop every time your child goes on-line and keeps them from the constant tension of wondering whether you’re going to come in, angry and demanding that they GET OFF THAT COMPUTER just as they’re about to engage the evil Zarcon for supremacy of the inter-galactic hegemony. 

Work together to decide what would be an appropriate time span for this hobby of theirs, taking into consideration other activities and responsibilities.  Once the schedule is agreed upon, stick to it, realizing a little give-and-take flexibility will probably be necessary.  After all, only the military runs on strictly regimented time.  But be aware of overall time spent and keep to the schedule as much as possible.  Mess around with it too much and it becomes meaningless.

Be prepared for your child to try to manipulate you to change the schedule to their advantage.  (What?!  My child try to manipulate me?!  A shocking concept, true, but entirely possible, so be prepared.)  Don’t take it personal.  Do stand your ground.  Being consistent also means you may need to take a second look at your own behavior.  If you are chastising your child for spending hours on end sitting in front of the computer while you yourself are spending hours on end sitting in front of the television, be fully prepared for your child to point out this obvious discrepancy.  They will most probably want to know why they are expected to give up their computer time while you are allowed to continue your hours of television viewing.  Perhaps you could arrange for both of you to get off and get out of the house together or with the whole family.   

Step Four:  Be Prepared to Intervene, If Necessary.

If, through the process of trying to come up with a schedule, your child is adamantly opposed to any reduction in time, you could well have a problem.  Any schedule you work out will probably mean less time than your child wants and more time than you’re perfectly comfortable with.  If you are being reasonable, but feel your child is not, get another opinion.  Try talking to other parents about how they set up the computer use in their home.  Find someone you trust to give you some objective feedback. 

If you determine your child is not being reasonable, or exhibits any excessively angry, violent or abusive behavior in response to your putting boundaries on the computer, seriously consider getting professional help.  If you have allowed your child free reign on the computer and then, to her/him, inexplicably change the rules, (s)he may not respond well initially.  But if anger or excessive behavior persists, it could be pointing to a problem more involved than just whether or not (s)he can go on-line for an extra thirty minutes.

You know your child and your family.  If you feel your child is acting in a completely inappropriate way or has taken on a substantially different personality, seek help.  It’s really not about the computer, anyway.  The computer use is pointing to the real problem.  If you’re convinced there is one, don’t stop until you’ve found out what it is and gotten help.

Hobbies are wonderful “mini-vacations.”  You have them.  Your child has them.  Use common sense in determining whether or not a problem exists with the computer.  Use your parental authority to place reasonable limits on your child’s use.  Stick with it, even in the face of determined resistance.   You’re not just thwarting a child, you’re molding a responsible adult.

Cyber-Affairs:  The Computer As Emotional Conduit

It wasn’t like I started out to do anything wrong.  Things just kinda got out of hand. That may be true, but you had plenty of opportunities to stop it. You didn’t.

Well, why should I?  After all, it wasn’t like he was totally innocent himself!  If he hadn’t had an affair, I wouldn’t have even thought about it! You chose to forget what you learned as a kid - Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right.

But he started it!  And with someone from his work!  All that time I thought he was working . . . he was with her!  All those nights, falling asleep alone while he was supposed to be closing the restaurant! You told him you forgave him.

Well, what was I supposed to say?  He looked so miserable.  Said it was over with her.  Said he’d never cheat on me again. You told him you believed him.

But I was so lonely.  He was always working and never had any time for me!  And I always kept . . . wondering if he was really where he said he was.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with calling him at the restaurant, just to be sure.

You were calling him five and six times a night. I stopped doing that after a while. After you started doing the other.

Well, he was working nights!  What else was I supposed to do?  Sometimes the wondering would drive me crazy, but I promised I wouldn’t call and check up on him.  Getting on the computer was just a way to fill up my evenings and take my mind off of what he’d done.  I probably wouldn’t have been even interested in going on-line, if he’d been home.

You liked all that free time in the evening.  It allowed you to spend guilt-free time on-line.  You never talked to him about how you were feeling or asked if he could trade for a day shift at the restaurant.  Doing what you were doing and blaming him for it was just too convenient.

But I never meant for it to happen!  It started out just as correspondence!  Harmless messages!  I never meant for it to become anything more than that!

But when it was obvious the messages had taken on a different tone, you kept answering them.

I didn’t want to sound like a prude.  We were just talking, after all.  He wanted to know about me, about my life.  We had so much in common!  We could talk to each other about anything! And did.

I didn’t think anything would come of just talking to him.  It just seemed kind of different, harmless - typing it instead of actually saying it - and certainly different than seeing pictures or anything.  And it’s not like that’s all we talked about!  If we both hadn’t had problems with our marriages, it probably never would have come up.  He was just looking for a woman’s perspective on things.

Those “things” were the intimate details of his life and marriage.

It didn’t seem right for him to be sharing that sort of stuff with me and for me not to respond in the same way.  He seemed so interested in what my marriage was like, to know if his was just sort of different, somehow.

And you became very interested in what his marriage was like.  It was your own little soap, with you as one of the characters. 

On-line, it was . . . I don’t know . . . exciting, mysterious. And destructive.

Imagine being able to say anything you want, about anything you want, using whatever words you want, without any repercussions.  Total honesty, total candor, total distance.  Imagine being able to reconstruct the details of your life, of yourself, as you’ve always wanted, as you’ve always thought it should be.  Positive visualization meets the power of the written word meets a positive reception.  Imagine corresponding with someone who enjoys the thrill of an answered hail, whose on-line discussions encourage you to even greater levels of personal reflection and introspection.  Verbal give-and-take carried on with the added spice of discovery.

Imagine being home alone, in that vulnerable moment, when a decision has to be made whether or not to continue or even to start at all.  Add injury, real or illusory, fueling a desire to cast caution to the wind.  (The lure quivers.)

Imagine the rationale of the unknown providing enough of a wall to feel protected, to feel safe, to take the risk.  (The pole jerks.)

Imagine the heart-racing realization that you’ve gotten away with something, that you’ve shared something you’ve never ever shared with anyone else or, maybe, with only one other.  (The line is set; you’re hooked.)

With the electronic wizardry of the computer, it is now possible to make your marriage disappear with the click of a keystroke.  As more and more people access the Internet for all sorts of reasons, some are finding a place to form emotional connections to people they meet on-line.  And for some of those people, the relationships they develop become more compelling, more emotionally satisfying, than the ones they have at home.

For some, this new relationship is begun and carried on through e-mail.  Other relationships start in a bulletin board or group.  Relationships can form around a common interest or topic.  If privacy is desired, a personal chat room can be established.  The more private the conversation, the deeper the relationship.

What actually constitutes an affair?  What if the two people never actually meet each other in person?  What if it’s all about words, not actually “doing” anything?  Doesn’t that make it, somehow, harmless?

Ask yourself a question:  “What if it was my spouse on the other end of that conversation?”  How would you feel?

Marriage is proprietary, by nature.  Exclusive, by design.  It is a commitment to look first to your spouse, your mate, your life partner, for intimate connection.  Consciously pursuing another relationship which has that high level of intimacy could be called emotional adultery.  A Cyber-Affair.  Whether or not sexual intimacy has occurred, your spouse will feel betrayed because you’ve gone outside your relationship to provide for the very need which that relationship was created to fulfill.  It’s like saying to your spouse, “You’re not enough.  I’m going elsewhere.” 

The longer this continues, the more damage is done to the marriage relationship.  The more you attach to the on-line connection, the more you detach from your at-home one.  The ensuing distance creates resentment, anger and confusion in your at-home relationship and the more attractive the on-line one grows, creating a vicious circle. 

Not every on-line relationship will result in a physical affair.  In fact, most won’t.  The very anonymity of the on-line relationship, for many, is essential for providing the security necessary for “total” honesty.  The other person may have no desire to go beyond the parameters of the computer screen.  You may never know “real” information about a person you correspond with on-line. 

On the other hand, there is mounting evidence of people leaving their established relationships to begin new, physical relationships with those they’ve been corresponding with on-line.  People have left spouses, cities, even countries, to physically connect with those to whom they have already electronically connected.  All from the comfort of their own home, some with the person they will eventually leave unsuspecting in the next room. 

So, what is the answer?  Should you totally avoid any sort of relationship with anyone on-line?  Of course not.  Most people are able to handle their various relationships without causing damage.  All of us have more than one relationship in our lives.  We deal with other family members, co-workers, casual acquaintances, good friends.  These relationships can and should bring dimension and satisfaction to our lives.  No one person is going to be able to fill all of our needs.  But if we have made a marriage covenant with someone, we are committing to going only to that person for certain basic, fundamental needs.  We are saying, in essence, “you will be my source to fill this need, and no other.” 

The key to handling on-line relationships responsibly is basic common sense.  In any relationship, there are certain boundaries which define the limits of propriety.  The Internet is no different. 

Boundary Number One:  Read Everything With A Grain of Salt.  With text only communications, there are no physical clues to help you determine the veracity of what you are being told.  What you see (or read) is not necessarily what you’re really going to get.

Boundary Number Two:  Determine Never To Engage In Intimate Conversation.  The anonymous nature of on-line corresponding tends to fast-forward content toward the intimate.  Be prepared.  Like glancing in someone’s window without meaning to, reading intimate messages may cause you to take a “second look.” 

Boundary Number Three:  You Are In Control Of Your Responses.  Personal information, of an intimate nature or not, is compelling.  No matter how compelling a request for information is, you are still totally in control of what information you give out. 

Boundary Number Four:  Be Prepared to Disconnect.  No matter how compelling a relationship is on-line, if it becomes inappropriate, given your other established relationships, you need to end it. On-line relationships do not take on a “life of their own.”  Every word you write, every word you read, is done so based on a conscious decision on your part.  At any time, you can alter it, you can re-define it, you can end it. 

Boundary Number Five:  Always Give Precedence To Your Off-Line Relationships.  Don’t be fooled into thinking that going “elsewhere” to fill basic emotional, intimate needs will not be noticed by your significant other.  Be wise about your relationships on-line.  Give priority to your established commitments, including the one to your own personal integrity.

Cyber-Porn:  The Computer As Willing Partner

Sometimes, Daryl just wanted to pull his hair out.  He couldn’t believe it had gone this far.  He kept looking at the bill, hoping, futilely, he had somehow just misread the thing.  But each time he went over the figures, they added up the same.  A whole lot of money.  At first, the charges had been manageable, explainable.  He took care of the finances and with their dual incomes they had a cushion each month he could use to fudge things.  True, a part of him had known what the VISA bill was going to look like this month but the rest of him didn’t care, or chose not to think about it. 

He sat in the den of their home, his and Vicky’s.  She was going to kill him, that was all.  She’d look at him with those big, hurt eyes and ask the one question he adamantly did not want to answer.  The whole thing would open up an ugly Pandora’s box of stuff he rarely even admitted to himself, much less wanted to discuss with the one person, other than himself, it would hurt the most.  What was he going to do?  There had to be a way to answer the question without giving away, or giving up, too much.

It was work’s fault.  If the audit hadn’t been happening and his stress level hadn’t been going through the roof, it probably could have continued the way it was, well, indefinitely.  He’d been managing okay.  He’d always been careful before.  Never stayed on too long.  Parceled it out to himself as a reward for a job well done, an earned bonus at the end of a hectic week. 

Then there was the fact Vicky and Little Daryl had gone and visited her family for almost two full weeks.  Never even considered staying home, just this once.  What was he supposed to do with her gone?  Usually he groused about how long she took on her semi-annual trips “back home” as she called them.  Not this time.  He’d been almost eager to get her on the plane and out of the way.  He just should have been more careful.  What was he thinking? 

Besides, it wasn’t like there was anything “wrong” with him.  It’s just the way he was made.  The way men are.  Couldn’t help himself.  And it wasn’t like he was the only guy doing it, either.  Why, half the guys at work talked about it.  Well, maybe not half, but enough! 

Of course, he’d have to bring up the fact Vicky had been, well, a little slow starting up again after Little Daryl was born.  Half the time she didn’t even go to bed with him in the evening.  Because Little Daryl got up during the night so much, she’d had him move a twin bed into the nursery so she wouldn’t “disturb” him by getting up all of the time to look after the baby.  She was spending so much energy taking care of Little Daryl, “Big” Daryl was out in the cold. 

Oh, she had all kinds of cute excuses for putting him off, from the classic headache to the “understandable” fatigue of a new mom, to the tried and true dodge of “that’s all you ever want!”  Put all those together and things between them had been less than solid over the past seven or eight months.  What was he supposed to do?  Curl up and die?  He had needs.  How could she fault him for finding a creative way to take care of “his problem” as she always called it? 

Why, she ought to be grateful to him for his ingenuity.  And his concern for her.  It’s not like he was out cruising the streets, hooking up with someone unsavory, what with the kinds of disease out there today.  And it wasn’t like he had gone out and found someone at work or in a bar or something.  He’d really been pretty responsible about meeting his own needs, since she refused to, without actually involving another “real” person and all the risks that entailed. 

Now, how to convince Vicky.  What to say to the one question he didn’t want to answer.  “Why?”

Oh, he could give her all those reasons and more and it still wouldn’t satisfy her. (Not that she cared at all about satisfying him!)  It would be great if she would rant and rave, yell and scream like a banshee.  She’d get totally out of control, say stuff that was way out of line.  Then he could deflect the path of the conversation until she was having to defend her reaction to what he did instead of him actually having to defend what he did.  Worked before, many times.  And if there was anything that was going to get Vicky really mad, this was it. 

But somehow, sitting in that den, with pictures of Vicky and Little Daryl on the wall beside him, he didn’t think she’d really react that way.  Deep down, he knew she’d act as if someone had just died.  He could close his eyes and see her, sitting motionless on the couch, with all the color drained from her face and a look of total betrayal. 

It’s why he’d kept it from her in the first place.  That look.  Knowing how she’d feel about it.  He just wanted to protect her. 

Why Daryl and not Darlene?  An overwhelming percentage of those who view Internet pornography are men.  If you are a man, who compulsively uses the Internet to view pornography, this article is speaking to you.

But what is pornography?  What makes a certain image pornographic and another “art?”  Pornography is the use of imagery designed to create a state of sexual arousal.  As an industry and as an activity of choice, pornography is wrong.  It is the use of one’s own body chemistry as a drug.  The whole point of viewing pornography is to become sexually aroused.  The potent rush which flood the body upon arousal is a “high.”.  It is the feeling of being “super-charged,” invigorated, aroused.  Of somehow being more than you are when “normal.”  In all of these activities, there is the desire to transcend the “normal” status of life and enter into an altered state.  

Question:  What is wrong with “normal” and why are you actively engaged in trying to carve out a section of time when you can avoid it?

Part of the answer will be particular to your situation but part of it will be universal.  Everyone experiences stress in their day-to-day lives and most have developed ways to relax, to diffuse this stress.  The ways chosen are as varied as the individuals and their personal preferences.  As in most things, there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to vent off this stress. 

Just as there are acceptable and unacceptable forms of “relaxation,” there are also acceptable and unacceptable amounts of time spent pursuing those diversions.  The man who comes home at the end of each day and plays for hours with his model railroad set to the exclusion of the members of his family has chosen a perfectly acceptable type of activity within an unacceptable time frame.  Quite correctly, that man’s family could begin to wonder if the world of the train set was more important to him than spending time in their world. 

People who choose to engage in activities that consistently bring them “out of themselves” are often indirectly indicating how dissatisfied they are while “in themselves.” 

But this is not just taking a “mental vacation” after a tough day at work as a way to deal with stress.  It’s not like taking up woodworking in your garage after dinner to unwind.  Pornography can, in no way, be viewed as just another harmless “hobby.”  The hook in pornography is the desire to create sexual arousal.  Yes, woodworking is an “escape” but it doesn’t give most guys an erection.

Question:  How much are you relying on others to curb your own behavior?

  The number of pornographic sites on the Internet is immense.  One of the primary reasons for the popularity of Internet pornography is the removal of an important social inhibitor - the threat of being discovered.  No more parking in the back of the adult bookstore, hoping Fred from down your block doesn’t drive by with his wife.  No more worrying that your wife will discover your stash of pictures stuffed back in behind the dresser when she’s vacuuming.  The Internet is private, accessible, seemingly without risk. 

Over the past fifty years, many social inhibitors have been removed which once were in place to dissuade men from engaging in “unwholesome” behavior.  But society has changed and what was considered totally inappropriate back then can now be found regularly on day-time television on every major channel.  The standard “men’s magazines” of their day are now considered antiquated by their newer, more graphic competitors. 

With many social inhibitors removed, people must rely on their own moral sense of right and wrong to guide their actions, even in the face of persuasive temptation.  No more relying on someone or something else to stop them before they falter.  To pull them back from the edge.  Today you need to learn to stay away from the edge in the first place.  The phrase to describe this new strategy is an old one:  self-control.  Often times the only one out there to pull you back for the edge is you.

Question:  If habitually viewing pornography  is “just the way men are,” why is it that most men don’t? And how come you do?

Many men who become addicted to Internet pornography never intentionally set out to discover an explicit website.  Instead, they opened up an innocuous email message or went onto a harmless-sounding website and, before they knew it, a pornographic image appeared.  The image appears and they looked.  They looked once and then looked again.  It is the classic scenario of the chocolate eclair in the frig.  You go past a bakery on your way home.  You weren’t planning to buy an eclair but, all of a sudden, there it is.  It looks really good so you go in and buy it. 

You stare at the eclair on the seat beside you on the ride home.  You know you really shouldn’t eat the eclair.  It’s not good for you.  It’s loaded with calories and artery-clogging fat.  You convince yourself you shouldn’t have bought it in the first place and you’re not going to eat it.  When you get home, you put it in the frig and say to yourself, “I have the willpower to say no to that eclair.”

You have dinner, you’re busy with whatever until late evening.  Everyone else in the house goes to bed.  You’re watching the news, a little hungry.  After all, it’s been almost four and a half hours since dinner.    It’s been in the back of your mind for a while now.  The chocolate eclair in the frig.  No one even knows it’s in there, besides you.  The bakery wrapped it up nicely in a small brown bag and you tucked it in the frig on the second shelf behind last night’s broccoli. 

You told yourself you wouldn’t eat it.  In fact, for most of the evening you didn’t even think about it.  But now you’re hungry and no one else is up, and you know it’s in there. What do you do? 

Don’t get me wrong, viewing pornography is not like eating a donut.  But the solution to the problem of one has application to the solution of the other.  What’s the one way to be sure you don’t eat the eclair?  Well, first, you could say you shouldn’t have bought it in the first place.  That’s true.  But we’re sometimes creatures of impulse.  We leap before looking and often go splat. 

The answer to your late night dilemma is simple.  After you made the decision not to eat the eclair on the way home in the car, why did you put it in the frig?  Why didn’t you just throw it away?  You might have said to yourself, “I just won’t eat it,” but if you really had no plans whatsoever to eat the eclair, you would have immediately thrown it out when you arrived home.  Your might have said you weren’t going to eat it, but by putting it in the frig, you’re actions indicated you had every intention to.  

Ask yourself if you’re one of those men who put eclairs in the frig when it comes to pornography.  Your words to yourself, and perhaps to others, indicate you have every intention of controlling yourself in regards to the Internet and pornography, but your actions indicate the opposite.  You may say you can control yourself, but what your actions are saying is it’s the timing you’re able to control.  You are able to put off the when but not the whether.  When you feel it’s safe, then you’ll take the eclair out of the frig, carefully, with anticipation, coax it out of the bag and closing your eyes, put it up to your lips and indulge in the soft, sweet filling exploding out of the dough and into your mouth. 

If you can’t go on the Internet without the desire to view pornography, seek professional help for this sexual addiction and stay off the Internet. The only way you’re going to get control over the éclair is to be honest with yourself and admit you can’t even go into a bakery. 

Question:  Has the personalized nature of Internet pornography made real sexual interaction pale by comparison?

Take the technologically sophisticated prowess of the Internet.  Add visual, auditory and networking capability.  Throw in entrepreneurial spirit and a consumer driven approach.  What do you get?  Internet pornography in the 21st century.  While some sites remain a static montage of pornographic images, the more sophisticated sites are combining a variety of methods to ensure continued use.  With digital technology, a man can log onto a pornographic site and let the woman at the other end know exactly the type of behavior he finds most stimulating.  And through the anonymity of the computer, he can even join in and chat with other men watching the same woman at the same time.

Pornographers have always counted on the visual nature of male sexual arousal.  That biological trigger is hard-wired into a man’s anatomy.  They know it and exploit it.  But to insure an overwhelming assault on a man’s hormonal response, they now have the capacity to incorporate other senses to cement and enhance the sexual experience.

Sophisticated cyberporn today consists of a tailored-to-you sexual fantasy, scripted by you and broadcast by advanced data link, played out on the other end by a 21 year old nubile college student reacting to your whim, performing according to your desires in an overheated warehouse.  With connection capacity you can even spice that up with a dash of communal voyeurism thrown in, to boot, if you prefer. 

After all, it’s all about what you prefer, what you like.  No need to compromise.  No need to adjust your responses to accommodate someone else’s physiology.  It’s the fast-food approach to sexual satisfaction.  Go ahead, have it “your way.”  Only have fifteen minutes on your break?  All the time in the world when it comes to the mind-numbing speed of the Internet and the heightened anticipation of your sexual response.

But what happens if you get used to the personalization?  What happens if your partner isn’t a 21 year old college student, chosen for certain physical attributes?  What if you’ve gotten used to being totally in charge of the sexual situation?  Real life sex could seem pretty mundane after all of that. 

You might find yourself relying more and more on the web and less and less on the wife. 

What if things are not going the way you want in your relationship?  What if she’s always seemed to be less interested in sex than you?  What if she’s in a phase in her life when she’s more distracted than usual and not as responsive as she once was?  What’s the harm in satisfying yourself through an alternate method?

The harm is in your relationship with yourself and with the person you are committed to loving.  Using an on-line service to stimulate sexual arousal is nothing more than augmented auto-eroticism.  The computer, even the woman on the other end, are simply means to an end - your autonomous sexual gratification.  High tech wizardry used to promote age old masturbation.  (That eclair should be looking pretty rancid about now.)

When you enter into a covenant relationship with a woman, you vow to look to her exclusively for the source of release of your sexual tension.  You vow to use sexual arousal and its fulfillment as a bond of intimacy in your union.  It is special and sworn to be self-limited to the woman you love. 

When you break that vow and engage in sexual activity outside of your spouse, such as a physical affair, the relationship suffers.  Trust is broken.  The exclusivity is shattered.  This applies also if your extraneous sexual relationship is, in essence, with yourself.  However you want to characterize it or explain it, using pornography to arouse yourself sexually is not about a relationship with anyone else but yourself.  Even if someone else is providing the image, the only person really involved in the sex act is you.  Instead of your wife competing with another woman, she has to compete with someone who knows precisely what and when and how to excite you - you, yourself.  That can be some pretty tough competition.

But what if you’re not married?  What if you’re single and haven’t entered into a marriage relationship?  You’re still engaging in sexual relations outside of marriage.  You are your own sex partner.  Intentional sexual arousal and gratification may not be intercourse but it is still engaging in sex outside of the sanctified, committed relationship of marriage. 

Question:  If you can do whatever you want as an adult, why do you feel guilty about what you’re doing?

Except for the most hardened pornography user, most people feel guilty about what they do on pornographic sites.  This may not stop them from coming back again and again to engage in the activity, but for most, guilt is a by-product of their on-line conduct when it comes to pornography.

Not you?  No guilt, you say?  Really?  When is the last time you included it in a letter to your folks?  Or brought it up while conversing with your twelve year old daughter at the breakfast table?  Or broached the subject while talking to your minister after services?  Or informed your wife you were going to go on-line for a little pornography before you joined her in your bed? 

One of the notions we sometimes carry over from childhood is I get to do whatever I want when I’m an adult.  Of course, it’s not true, but that doesn’t necessarily dilute its power.  Because we really, really, would like it to be true.  We would love adulthood to equate to total control. 

We suppose adults should be able to do whatever we want because, as adults, we assume we’ll be able to handle whatever the world throws at us.  We’re adults, we say to ourselves, and we can handle it.  Well, some of us never counted on the Internet.

There was a spiritual man, a minister who worked with teenagers.  He became concerned over the potentially damaging images his kids could have access to on the Internet.  He decided to investigate just how easy it would be to gain entry to pornography on line. He was doing it to keep up-to-date with the temptations and trials his teenagers were facing.  As an adult, and a spiritual leader, he assumed he would be immune from what he found.  He wasn’t.

Increasingly, he found more and more of his time being devoted to his “research.”  In the progressive nature of pornography, he started out in what he thought was a controlled manner.  He kept telling himself he could quit any time, but he never seemed to get around to it.  He began to visit more graphic sites and intensified his viewing. 

He thought he could control it.  He thought he was “adult” enough.  He kept refusing to discard the rubbish of pornography and ended up throwing everything of value in his life away.  In the end, he found himself having to pick through the trash of his life and work hard at redeeming the things of value he’d chosen to throw away.

Question:  Whose pain are you really trying to elude by avoiding exposure?

You really think your wife doesn’t know something’s going on?  She may not know what, but how long is that going to last?  How long before she finds out?  There’s no way to avoid the pain in this situation. 

Face it - your efforts to keep this a secret isn’t about protecting her, it’s about protecting you.  You don’t want her to know because you’re either too ashamed to admit what you’re doing or too involved to want to stop, or both.  Eventually, the truth will come out.  It usually does.  She deserves better than this.  And so do you.  Make the commitment, now, to get help to stop. 

But does that mean you have to give up the Internet completely?  That depends on you.  Try some simple tactics to give you limits and inhibitors.

Move the computer into a common area of the house, in full view of other family members.  Allow scrutiny to act as an inhibitor. 

Don’t use the computer when no one else is there.  Consider putting a lock on the hard drive and giving your wife the key.  If you can’t use it, you can’t abuse it.

Put systems in place that will provide a buffer against your impulses when you are weak.  Subscribe to an on-line filtering service that restricts access to pornographic sites.

Finally, if you are unable to control using the Internet without being drawn to pornography, don’t use it, period.  Go back to making phone calls and writing letters.  Go back to using the Yellow Pages and the local library. 

Get help.  Don’t make this your little secret or your family’s secret.  Find capable, trustworthy counsel and seek their advice.  Take some time to really think about the how's and the whys of your Internet pornography compulsion.  May God bless you for your honesty and direct you to the help you need.