Resources for Family Relationships

Articles, Reports, and Other Resources

Roles of Parents

The following is a list of the key elements of the job description for the role of PARENT. Under the column marked “Limitations”, list factors that may limit the completion of the parental responsibilities. You may also want to list the individuals in your family’s support system who help with certain responsibilities that you have delegated.

RESPONSIBILITIES	LIMITATIONS
1) Provide basic needs: Food, Clothing, Adequate shelter	1)
2) Provide safety and security, Teach personal safety, Prevent Victimization	2)
3) Coordinate educational needs	3)
4) Teach personal grooming/hygiene, Sexual development information	4)
5) Ensure medical & health needs, Physical, Emotional	5)
6) Teach right and wrong, Spiritual care	6)
7) Teach discipline/reasonable limits, Using good judgment, not discipline out of anger or rage.	7)
8) Teach social skills	8)
9) Provide/coordinate recreational needs	9)
10) Teach/model communication Language skills	10)
11) Teach/model appropriate, problem-solving, Prevent drug abuse	11)
12) Care/nurturing, Hugs and kisses, Comfort, Encouragement	12)
13) Coordinate 24 hour adult, Supervision up to age 18 or legal, emancipation	13)

Ten Steps For Resolving Couple Conflicts

Set a time and place for discussion.
Define the problem or issue of disagreement.
How do you contribute to the problem?
List things you have done in the past which have not been successful.
Brainstorm and list all possible solutions.
Discuss every one of these solutions.
Agree on one solution to try.
Agree how each person will work toward the solution.
Set a time for another meeting to review your progress.
Reward each other as you contribute toward the solution.

Every couple has differences and disagreements, but healthy couples find ways to resolve marital disputes without turning them into marital wars. These couples accept and appreciate the fact that each person has independent opinions. They encourage open expression and work together to reach a settlement.

If you have difficulty resolving differences without serious arguments, try the following exercise. It will boost your problem-solving success rate.

This is not a game. As simple as the exercise looks, it may be hard for you to complete. If you cannot finish it, try again at a future date.

Schedule a specific date, time and place for a couple meeting within the next week. Allow at least 30 minutes.

Meeting Date:
Time:
Place:

Select one important issue that you would like to resolve and list it for discussion:
How do you each contribute to the problem? Without blaming each other, list the things that you each do that has not helped resolve the problem.
- Male:
- Female:
List things you have done in the past which have NOT been successful.

WHAT IS A HEALTHY FAMILY?

Non-Enduring Traits of a Healthy Family	Enduring Traits of a Healthy Family
Frantic living Extremes/addictions Insecurity among leaders and children Lack of consistency Unrealistic fears of abandonment Low self-esteem Loneliness Physical ailments Emotional drain Fighting for control Loss of comfort Excessive guilt/control Lack of freedom for personal decision-making Deception, lying, hidden information Taking sides ― power-plays Allowing children to create divisions between parents Spoiling Rules without meaning or reasonable foundation. Religious rigidity Step-parenting conflicts or boundary issues Lack of fun activities Making comparisons between family members Shame-based punishments vs. appropriate discipline Unrealistic expectations	Respect for individual differences/personalities Consistency in word and deed Security and comfort Open-mind and open-door for problem-solving Belief in positive outcomes Unity among leaders Acceptance in disagreements Pre-understanding of repercussions Planned bonding activities Give and receive opinions Clear boundaries Self-confidence; trust and assurance in one's own abilities and judgments Freedom to develop and express one's own gifts Enduring component of hope Forgiveness practiced Not using the past as a reference point for the future

Non-Enduring Traits of a Healthy Family

Enduring Traits of a Healthy Family

Frantic living
Extremes/addictions
Insecurity among leaders and children
Lack of consistency
Unrealistic fears of abandonment
Low self-esteem
Loneliness
Physical ailments
Emotional drain
Fighting for control
Loss of comfort
Excessive guilt/control
Lack of freedom for personal decision-making
Deception, lying, hidden information
Taking sides ― power-plays
Allowing children to create divisions between parents
Spoiling
Rules without meaning or reasonable foundation.
Religious rigidity
Step-parenting conflicts or boundary issues
Lack of fun activities
Making comparisons between family members
Shame-based punishments vs. appropriate discipline
Unrealistic expectations

Respect for individual differences/personalities
Consistency in word and deed
Security and comfort
Open-mind and open-door for problem-solving
Belief in positive outcomes
Unity among leaders
Acceptance in disagreements
Pre-understanding of repercussions
Planned bonding activities
Give and receive opinions
Clear boundaries
Self-confidence; trust and assurance in one's own abilities and judgments
Freedom to develop and express one's own gifts
Enduring component of hope
Forgiveness practiced
Not using the past as a reference point for the future

Comparison Between

CULT	DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
Distorted view of God, others, self, and authority	Distorted view of God, others, self, and authority
Closed system.	Closed system.
Rigid, unspoken rules with serious penalties which guarantee control.	Rigid, unspoken rules with serious penalties which guarantee control.
Restriction/control of all choices by members.	Restriction/control of all choices by members.
Undue influence, thought control, manipulation.	Undue influence, thought control, manipulation.
Cult important; individual unimportant.	Family important; individual unimportant.
Uncertain boundaries.	Uncertain boundaries.
Control by physical abuse.	Control by physical abuse.
Control by verbal abuse.	Control by verbal abuse.
Control by sexual abuse.	Control by sexual abuse.
Control by ritualistic practices, fear.	Control by ritualistic practices, fear.
Dependency on group; independent functioning discouraged/sabotaged.	Dependency on family; independent functioning discouraged/sabotaged.
Rigidity; security by stable sameness.	Rigidity; security by stable sameness.
Exploitation of individual industry/resources	Exploitation of individual industry/resources
Relentless shaming, guilting.	Relentless shaming, guilting.
Rules about emotions.	Rules about emotions.

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