Resources for Communication

Confrontation is most often necessitated when the behavior of one person negatively impacts the feelings/attitudes of another. The pain caused by the initial behavior creates a barrier in a relationship if it is not shared openly. Stored pain eventually explodes and ultimately can destroy a relationship.

Caring confrontations are usually well thought out and are best structured in the following manner:

1. Introduction:
   "I am having a problem and I want to share it with you."
2. Affirmation:
   "I value our relationship; and I know keeping this problem to myself might damage our relationship."
3. Agreement to Discuss:
   "Can I share my problem with you now, or at a time that's better for you?'"
4. Behavior Description: (Do not make inferences about the other person's motives, attitudes or character. Be specific and objective.)
   "When you make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute......"
5. Disclosure of Feelings: (Use 'I' statements and share your feeling(s).)
   "I feel hurt and angry..."
6. Describe Effect:
   "Because it is often too late for me to make plans with others."
7. Active Listen for the Response: (Wait for a response and demonstrate your love for the other person by using your Active/Reflective Listening Skill.)

Avoid Certain Pitfalls

The following practices prevent meaningful communication from continuing.

1. Command (give orders, issue directives)
2. Warn (threaten, admonish)
3. Preach
4. Give advice
5. Teach (give lectures and arguments)
6. Judge (criticize, blame, disagree)
7. Praise (offer premature, positive judgment)
8. Shame
9. Analyze (diagnose, interpret)
10. Console (reassure, sympathize, talk them out of it)

Confrontation

The word confrontation stirs up negative thoughts and feelings for most of us. This is primarily true because so many confrontations have been fueled by destructive, suspicious and hateful motives. Where this occurs there are injuries and broken relationships. Confrontations attempted when feelings are intense are invariably destructive efforts.

1. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication is more powerful than verbal communication.
2. Define what is important and stress it. Define what is unimportant and ignore it.
3. Make your communication as realistically positive as possible.
4. Be clear and specific in your communication.
5. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements.
6. Test all your assumptions verbally. Get your partner's OK before you act.
7. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view.
8. Recognize that your family members are experts on you and your behavior.
9. Do not allow discussions to turn into destructive arguments.
10. Be open and honest about your feelings. Bring up all significant problems, even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb your partner.
11. Do not use unfair techniques: do not engage in 'dirty fighting.'
12. Let the effect, not the intention, of your communication be your guide.
13. Accept all feelings and try to understand them: do not accept all actions, but try to understand them.
14. Be tactful, considerate and courteous: show respect for your partner and his/her feelings.
15. Do not preach or lecture; ask questions instead.
16. Do not use excuses and do not fall for excuses.
17. Do not nag, yell or whine.
18. Learn when to use humor and when to be serious. Do not subject your partner to destructive teasing.
19. Learn to listen with heart and mind.
20. Beware of playing destructive games

Unfair Communication Tactics

1. Pretending that the other person has made an unreasonable statement or demand.
2. Mind-reading, using psychology, jumping to conclusions. Pretending that one single motive constitutes complete motivation. Divination.
3. Bringing up more than one accusation at a time. (Trying to overwhelm the person with numerous accusations.)
4. Bragging.
5. Using logic to hide from emotional reality.
6. Interrupting.
7. Intimidating, threatening, yelling, screaming or exploding in anger.
8. Blaming the partner for something that he/she cannot help or cannot do anything about now.
9. Blaming the other person for something you do yourself.
10. Refusing to forgive.
11. Humiliating the partner. Using insults and epithets. Unfavorable comparisons. Rubbing it in. Exposing sensitive information about the other person to others.
12. Constantly badgering the other person in order to evolve a negative reaction.
13. Expressing hurt feelings without adequate reason.
14. The use of sarcasm and ridicule.
15. Silence, ignoring, sulking, pouting.

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