Posts Tagged ‘teenagers’

Parenting: Immersion Into the Divine

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

In some ways, raising kids is an immersion into the divine. I don’t know about you, but the first thought that comes to my mind when I see pictures of a new little human being formed is miraculous. The second thought that comes to mind is Psalm 139:13; “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” To experience life and birth is to experience the miraculous, the divine.

And once you know that this child you’ve been given is part of the divine, there comes a sense of immense responsibility. You haven’t been given a thing, an object, to take care of or money to steward; you’ve been given a human being, a soul, to love and cherish and nurture. As Psalm 139 also says, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.”

But when that child is new and small and malleable, the responsibility seems easier. After all, you’ve got some time to work into this parenting thing, this “raising them up in the Lord” thing. By the time that child hits adolescence, as a parent, you realize how quickly you’re running out of time.

The book of Ecclesiastes says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” You are in the season of adolescent parenting; it’s a season that’s here for only a short amount of time, with an expiration date. So why is it that just when you figure out the clock is winding down on your parenting years and time is short, it seems like it’s harder than ever to pass your faith on to your teenager?

As your teen moves from dependence on you to independence, you want to direct him or her to voluntarily choose both independence from you and dependence on God. And you want all this, preferably, before age eighteen so you can have just a small vision of it to rejoice over and hang on to when your teen is out of the house. Talk about pressure.

As I said earlier, parents in general have a lot to worry about where their kids are concerned. Christian parents have an added spiritual dimension of eternal proportions. The only way, I think, to be able to manage this pressure is to remember back to that feeling you had at your teen’s birth — with your recognition of the miraculous and the divine.

Be honest; you knew when you held that baby for the first time that you were out of your league. You still are. Your child’s life, including salvation, has always been in God’s hands; it was just easier to see it back then when your son or daughter was small and cuddly, without all that adolescent attitude and teenage hormones. That precious little soul is still in there, still incubating, still being woven together by God just as surely as sinew and muscle and bone.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 10 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House.

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Should You Have ‘The God Talk’ With Your Teen?

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011

Judy kept looking at the clock, wondering how closer Jeremy was going to cut it to curfew. For 16-year-old Jeremy, curfew was midnight on a Saturday, though moving it to the a.m. hours had been a long, hard-fought battle. The only way she’d given in to a time she continued to consider too late was because Jeremy had promised he would still be up and ready for church on Sunday. The closer he cut it to midnight, though, the harder it was for him to get up in the morning. Even when he did get up, he wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around, especially when she was trying to prepare herself spiritually to worship. Less-than-loving thoughts tended to invade her mind when she had to deal with a grumpy, grouchy, resistant teenager.

Regardless of how difficult it was, Judy determined they were all going to go to church as a family. It was what she did growing up, and it was what she wanted for her family. Church was important. Jeremy might not appreciate it now, but Judy was sure he would later. She didn’t know how she’d have survived young adulthood without God in her life. That’s when all of it had become real to her – when God had intervened and rescued her, more times than she could keep count. Judy believed, and she wanted Jeremy to believe, as well.

Sometimes, she questioned herself. Should she continue forcing him to go to church, or did that imply that having him go through the motions was good enough? Should she allow him to decide for himself and let his faith and desire to come be authentic? It was 11:52 at night, Bob was already asleep, and she found herself going over the argument again. No, she wasn’t going to let him decide because she was afraid of how often he’d decide not to go. Bob had already weighed in with his opinion on the subject – his house, his food, his rules; everyone goes to church.

More than anything, Judy wanted to see signs that Jeremy was coming closer to a decision for God himself. She didn’t want to pressure him into anything more than Sunday-morning church attendance, afraid she’d drive him away. Afraid if she did; afraid if she didn’t. Without answers, Judy did what she normally did; she prayed. She prayed and watched the clock turn over to 11:59.

Among the many other changes in your teenager’s life, they are coming into their own spiritually. For Christian parents, this spiritual emergence is an added source of joy and anxiety. It’s an added layer of anticipation and expectation. Everything else has here-and-now consequences, but spirituality, faith, and belief have hereafter consequences. Christian parents worry not only about how their kids are going to do in this world, but also about how they’re going to fare in the next. Complicating this, of course, is that teens can be even more tight-lipped about how they’re feeling spiritually than how they’re feeling sexually.

Some parents decide it’s just to hard to have The Sex Talk with their kids, so they leave it up to teachers and the middle-school health curriculum. Some parents find it just too hard to have The God Talk with their kids, so they leave it up to ministers and youth pastors. Your kids need to know and hear about sex from you, and they need to know and hear about God from you.
In some ways, faith can be even more personal than sex. Sex can be approached from a physical point of view – what, where, how – body parts, dos and don’ts. If you do X, then Y happens. It’s quantifiable, concrete, explainable in its physical formats.

Faith is something altogether different. It is not physical; it is spiritual. It is concrete, but its foundations lie in a different realm. The Message puts it this way in Hebrews 11:1: “The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see.”

As a Christian parent, you’re trying to pass off a handle to your teenager that you know is there, that you desperately want your teen to know is there, that you desperately want your teen to know is there, and that neither of you can see. This faith baton is tricky. But, like every baton pass-off, it works better if you’re actually running the race, you’ve got a firm grasp on what you want to pass on, you pace yourself to the person you’re passing off to, and you get out of the way after it’s passed.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 9 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House.

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Watch for Signs of Depression in Your Teen

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Teens can get depressed without being depressed. But even getting depressed is a challenge in their lives where you can offer guidance and support. Do any or all of the following conditions describe your teen?

  • Negative feelings or behaviors lasting more than two weeks
  • Loss of enjoyment in established activities
  • Restlessness, fatigue, or a lack or motivation in school
  • Marked increase in irritability or impatience
  • Feelings of being weighed down
  • Loss of physical and emotional energy
  • Marked changes in appetite or weight, lapse in personal hygiene
  • Social isolation from family or friends
  • Taking up with a new set of friends
  • impulsive thinking or rash judgments
  • Inability to make decisions, concentrate, or focus
  • Marked increase in frustration or anger
  • Feelings of sadness and worthlessness
  • Expressing feelings of stress and inability to cope
  • Ongoing complaints of headaches, stomachaches, bodyaches
  • Marked change in sleep patterns
  • Avoidance of added privileges

Think also about the pattern to each behavior.

Have you noticed an increase or a decrease in the severity or frequency? Also, do several of these conditions tend to run together? Do you notice an increase in feelings of sadness or worthlessness when there is more social isolation? Are there fewer complaints of bodyaches when there is a more normal sleep pattern? Be aware of these conditions individually, but also consider how some of them may be linked together with your teen.

Now, I’d like you to think about the top concerns you have. What worries you the most? Why is that? Is it something you can relate to from your own adolescence? Can you determine what seems to distress your teen the most out of any on the list? What you determine to address first may not be what your teen would identify. As much as possible, follow your teen’s lead on what is the most problematic.

You should not make it a goal to “fix” your child or take over whatever difficulty he or she is going through. One of the main benefits of adolescence is learning how to being to handle adult-sized life challenges while still supported by caring adults. If you remove all of their obstacles, they will fail to develop their adult-needed muscles and will constantly be looking backward, as a child, to you to save them. Instead of looking backward, their eyes should be firmly forward, toward their future as adults.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 7 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House.

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Bumpy Ride: When the Wheels of Adolescence Veer Off Track

Saturday, December 10th, 2011

She couldn’t care less about anything; it’s as if, in an attempt to conceal everything about herself, she covers up even what interests her. In order to stay anonymous, she seems to work so hard at giving nothing of herself away. With her apathetic attitude, she’s hiding in plain sight. It didn’t used to be that way, but it definitely is now.

He’s missed another three days of school with vague complaints about not feeling well. First it’s his stomach; then it’s a headache. The only thing that seems to help is to shut himself up in his room. He doesn’t want to eat anything; he doesn’t want to do anything but listen to his iPod or be on the computer all night, which he must be since it’s impossible to wake him up in the morning.

She seems to have only two prominent emotions: anger and despair. When confronted about her anger, she just shuts down and says it doesn’t really matter anyway. She’s started making sarcastic, under-her-breath comments that are really scaring you. When you ask her to repeat them, she just shrugs, says, “Never mind,” and walks away.

He’s doing something; you know it, but you can’t put your finger on it. You keep saying you’re going to start searching his room, if he’s ever out of it, which he rarely is. He doesn’t hang around with his friends anymore, and when he does go out, it’s to meet kids whose named you don’t know. A half dozen times you’ve stood at the doorway to his room, trying to decide whether to cross over that threshold; you haven’t yet.

Everything is a big deal to her these days. Everything is a catastrophe, a disaster. Any little thing that happens mushrooms into a huge crisis with you either squarely in the way or squarely to blame. She’s always been a little dramatic, but that behavior has just gone off the proverbial deep end. It feels like she’s drowning in her own tears and she’s dragging you under with her.

He used to proudly show you his progress reports and report card. Now, it’s nearly impossible to get any intelligible response about his grades, which are in a steady, if not swift, decline. You know; you’ve gone online. When pinned down, he’s come up with a variety of excuses, non of which really seem to ring true. You’re worried because these grades count, putting future collect plans in jeopardy, to say nothing of the future itself.

She’s dropped at least fifteen pounds in the last several months. At first you were pleased, thinking she was finally dropping the last of her baby fat, but now you’re worried. She absolutely refuses to discuss it with you. Family meals have become either all-out war zones when it’s just the family or silent no-fly zones when others are present. The more you express your concern, the more weight she seems willing to lose.

It’s like his mind is made of Teflon – nothing sticks. You can tell him a million times to do something, but when you confront him about it, he looks like a deer in the headlights, befuddled by your frustration. You feel like you’ve ben transported back in time to when he was a toddler and you needed to speak clearly and slowly, making sure his eyes were on you. This, of course, doesn’t really go over well now. But you’re at a loss to explain this inability to focus. Is it just you he’s tuning out, or everything?

You could swear you smelled alcohol on her breath the other night when she came in, but she went upstairs so quickly to get ready for bed, you weren’t sure. By the time she came back down to wish you a good night, come to think of it, was kind of strange in itself, she’d taken a shower and brushed her teeth. The only things you smelled then were her usual shampoo and the mint toothpaste. By that time, it was too late, and you just let it go.

You can see it in his face, which is strange because usually his face is devoid of any emotion. That’s the problem – where is he? Where has he gone to? What is he thinking about? If he’s in trouble, why doesn’t he come to you for help? When did you become some sort of enemy, to be kept oh so carefully at arm’s length? You’ve done nothing but love him his entire life. When did that become not enough?

If any of these scenarios ring true for you and your teen, a frank, realistic discussion is probably in order. Be alert; be wise; be real as you consider what these behaviors may may or may not mean to your teen.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 7 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House. I’ll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a FREE copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To participate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers – in the comments section of this or future blog posts, or on the Facebook or Twitter pages linked to below.

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Is Your Teen a Worrier?

Thursday, December 1st, 2011

Teens have been described as tightly wound springs, kept at constant tension by their phase of life and physical development. Navigating adolescence is challenging, but some teens have a way of piling on additional pressures. On the one hand is the overachieving teenager who is determined to grab as much of life as possible in as short a time as possible. These teens have incredibly high expectations for themselves; they are perfectionists. Failure is not an option, and when failure happens, as it inevitably does, it is greeted as a catastrophe.

These teens have the type of schedule it takes a computer to calculate, plotted out to the minute, in order to shove in as many activities as possible. They gobble up responsibilities, tasks, and duties with abandon today, heedless to the overindulging consequences tomorrow. They cheat sleep, nutrition, relationships, peace and quiet, and a chance to recharge and reset. They are adolescent Energizer Bunnies; and, as long as they get juiced with whatever they can find or devise, they’ll just keep going and going, doing and doing, until something breaks.

That’s the worker teen. On the other side is the worrier teen. These are the teenagers who can’t seem to finish anything. They worry about everything — whether it will be good enough, whether they should have tried it in the first place, what it will mean if they can’t get it done. They constantly worry about girlfriends, boyfriends, the lack thereof, tests, how they look, what they wear, what other people think. They hesitate starting things or taking risks because they’re worried about how it will turn out. You can’t get them to make a decision to save their life. Even after a decision is made, it’s constantly reevaluated and second-guessed.

The overriding theme for both of these types of teens is anxiety. The worker teen creates a life of anxiety by demanding an extraordinarily high level of personal achievement and perfect outcomes. This state of anxiety, whether manifested in the compulsion to go-go-go or in the hesitation to wait-wait-wait, can result in an anxiety disorder. Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and is a state of being anxious all the time about nothing in particular. GAD is living life tightly wound. this isn’t being worried about the test on Tuesday or what to where to the dance on Saturday. Instead, this is waking up day after day with a sense of impending disaster, without really knowing why. It’s just a sure feeling that something terribly wrong is going to happen and being worried about it, tense and alert. The symptoms of GAD include:

  • Living in a state of constant worry, jumping from little thing to little thing, without any relief
  • Trying to stop worrying but unable to
  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Feeling fatigued, sweaty, light headed, irritable, nauseated, out of breath, shaky, having trouble swallowing, getting headaches or bodyaches

GAD is a diagnosable and treatable disorder, determined by severity and duration of symptoms as well as impact on daily functioning. Overly anxious teens can be taught skills to combat persistent negative thoughts and coping strategies for mitigating worry and fear. This is a pattern of thinking or behaving that neither you nor your teen wants perpetuated into adulthood.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 6 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House. I’ll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a FREE copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To participate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers – in the comments section of this or future blog posts, or on the Facebook or Twitter pages linked to below.

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Know Yourself, Know Your Teenager

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

In relationships, the only person you really have control over is you. To paraphrase Scripture: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with your teenager (Rom. 12:18). You establish the peace, and you do that through stabilizing the relationship from your end regardless of what your teen does. You must become the port in the storm for this sometimes turbulent relationship. You take charge over yourself first by understanding and accepting the ways you’ve contributed to any difficulty in your relationship. You take charge by apologizing and making an honest effort to do better. You model by removing your own plank first and then bringing up specks. Teens don’t expect you to be perfect, but they’d appreciate a little honesty, especially where your faults are concerned.

The firm foundation your teenager needs is you as a parent to be clear about who you are and what your role as a parent is, even when that role is confusing and frustrating. There is a real danger here, if parents decide to abdicate their role as parents during the adolescent years for something else that feels more comfortable. Many of these situations, taken to extreme, are outlined in my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. Teenagers who are cheated out of that childhood role and thrust into another by a parent suffer a form of abuse.

The parent-child relationship can become warped during adolescence, especially creating a role reversal where the parent begins to look to and expect the teenager to fill the parent’s needs. It is not healthy for you to begin to look to your growing teenager as someone to fill your adult needs. These can be adult needs for companionship or camaraderie, even advice and protection. Adolescence is meant to be a process for teenagers to grow and mature into their own person, filling their own needs, not yours.

I have seen mothers, afraid of their own aging, being to morph into older, distorted images of their teenage daughters, even wearing similar clothing and adopting similar hairstyles.

I have seen fathers, fearful of their own aging, treat their sons as peers and demand their sons reciprocate, requiring time and attention to the detriment of same-age friends.

I have seen mothers, fearful of the coming empty nest, bind their teenagers to them through increasing demands and intentional displays of incapacity.

I have seen fathers, troubled and discontent with their own lives, transfer that negativity onto their teenagers, dragging them down just at the point of launch in order to experience companionship in failure.

I have seen parents burden their teenagers with the weight of their own fading dreams of accomplishment.

Granted, these examples are extreme and produce an unhealthy attachment and enmeshment, a sort of relational strangulation. However, I say this as a reminder to all parents. Adolescence is a time of discovery and possibility for teenagers. It can also lcome at a time of disappointment and a sense of loss for parents, because of the juxtaposition of age. Aging parents can become fearful of advancing time and look to their teenagers to help slow the march. Solitary parents can become fearful of being left alone and look to their teenagers to fill the gap. Angry, embittered parents can look to teenagers as an outlet for venting and release. Maybe these examples aren’t you, but please be aware and willing to look inside yourself to see if any of them claim even the smallest place in your heart.

Teens are growing into their potential at a time many adults may feel their own potential waning. This can cause jealousy and envy and contribute to the tension and friction between teens and parents. These sorts of issues have the capacity to damage and sever your connection with your teenager, without you even really understanding why. As you enter into this pivotal time of transition, I encourage you to make sure you hang onto your identity as a parent so you allow your teenager to retain his or her identity as a child for a few more years.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 4 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House. I’ll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a FREE copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To participate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers – in the comments section of this or future blog posts, or on the Facebook or Twitter pages linked to below.

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Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster of Adolescence

Friday, November 4th, 2011

Veronica scanned the channel listings, automatically rejecting anything that looked like a drama; she had enough of that at home. Sitcoms are out; she simply couldn’t stand watching inane banter in a make-believe household. Same with sports; she was trying to get away from conflicts of any kind. Thank heaven for the Discovery Channel and the History Channel; she’d take the burrowing habits of mole crickets or the engineering feats of the Roman Coliseum any day of the week. She wanted escape and nothing remotely related to anything she was going through; although, she had to admit, burrowing had an odd sort of appeal.

She’d just hit her channel of choice when she heard the front door open and then quickly slam. Ahhh, Tyler was home. Let the drama begin. Veronica used to cringe at the thought of teen angst partnered with estrogen and menstruation. But her daughter, Robyn, had nothing on Tyler. Everything was either a crisis or a celebration with him; the roller coaster started when he was thirteen, a little later than with Robyn, but nothing had been smooth since.

When things are good in Tyler’s life — completely determined by him as opposed to mundane considerations like outside circumstances — Tyler was on top of the world. He operated at Mach 10, almost airborne. Of course, when he was down, he operated about an inch below the ground, slogging along at a snail’s pace, apathetic, dejected, and lethargic. She’d almost gotten used to the weekly mood swings, but, lately, he’d been careening back and forth, sometimes multiple times a day. Veronica couldn’t keep up; she was so tired of the whole thing, she could feel herself withdrawing from him.

With a sigh, she realized that just wasn’t an option. If he didn’t either fly down the stairs on elation’s wings or drag himself down within fifteen minutes, she’d go up and try to get a gauge on what was going on now. This was just exhausting. Where was neutral on that kid’s controls?

I said before that adolescence is a roller coaster your teen is on, with you along for the ride. Now, don’t get me wrong — I like roller coasters. They’re an awful lot of fun — if you can really use awful and fun in the same sentence. The nice thing about amusement-park roller coasters is that you get to choose whether to ride them. They’d have much less appeal if you were forced to ride them even if you didn’t feel well or if you were required to keep getting back on as soon as you got off. After a while, the body jerking and the stomach dropping and the head straining would become very old.

How do you think your teenager feels about the emotional roller coaster of adolescence? At least you can go read a book or channel surf or take a walk and actually get away for a bit, but teens gripped by adolescence don’t always have that option. They are in total reaction mode, and life serves as a huge trigger.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 3 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House. I’ll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a FREE copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To participate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers – in the comments section of this or future blog posts, or on the Facebook or Twitter pages linked to below.

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Teen Behavior: Like a Reptile Shedding Its Skin

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

I think the nearest comparison I could give to what I remember about being a teen and what I hear from teenagers about adolescence is that of a reptile shedding its skin.

When a snake or a lizard sheds its skin, the new growing skin cells separate from the old established skin cells, causing a marked change in appearance and producing an irritability that can result in increased snapping and hissing. Of course, reptiles shed their skin relatively quickly, so the analogy doesn’t carry too far. Still, I think it’s fairly parallel. Your teenager’s nascent adult is separating from the confinement of childhood, causing a marked change in appearance and producing an irritability that can result in increased snapping and hissing. I think it’s why teens often feel like their skin is crawling and fight against a sensation of being confined, wanting to burst free. And its why parents often look at their teens as though they’re something that just crawled out from under a rock.

Shedding skin is uncomfortable, often disturbing, and absolutely necessary for growth – and it’s the same with adolescence. It makes it easier, however, when you know what to look for and what it all means. Teenager adolescent behaviors are stereotypical for a reason – they are fairly consistent across generations. If you haven’t noticed many of these already, you will, in varying degrees, depending upon your teen:

Moody and irritable. The same remark from you delivered without incident eight-three times can all of a sudden be met with a blast of condemnation and scorn on the eighty-fourth rendition.

Unpredictable. They vascilate between personas, leaving you constantly on edge and wary of which persona you’re going to encounter at any given time.

Manipulative. They will try various methods to gain their ultimate objective – to get what they want.

Argumentative. Often, parents’ relationships wtih our teens can be targeted for his or her own adolescent “challenge course,” where every boundary that gets unchallenged is yours.

Withdrawn. Where you were once Plan A on their list of favorite things, you’re no in the T and U category; in other words, way down the list…unless they want something, and then you’re back to A status – but only until they’ve obtained whatever it is they want or have conceded temporary defeat.

Self-absorbed. There is no “the world”; there is only “their world,” which is different form yours and which they are sure you couldn’t possibly understand.

Dramatic. You look at what’s happening and see one image, while your teen is experiencing that same image as something completely different. This is the teen world of extremes, and, as such, it’s a much scarier world than yours.

Dismissive. In order to disguise the intensity of emotions and feelings twisting around on the inside and outside, teens will often take a global whatever attitude.

Collectively independent. Seeking independence from you is designed to produce acceptance from the collective group of peers. It’s an odd dichotomy of seeking approval from one group by displaying disdain for approval from another.

Anxious. As much as the idea of being independent and away from you is exhiliarating, it’s also terrifying. On this roller coaster, they are firmly at the front of the car, even when they’d like nothing more than to crawl into the seat behind you.

Powerful. Teens can be physically larger and stronger than the adults in their lives. In a technology shifting world, they often find themselves more adept, more intuitive, and more savvy than many adults. Being in charge, as teens instinctively know, carries with it both a blessing and a curse. They are attracted to the power but intimidated by the responsibility that comes with it.

Exclusively inclusive. Teens are like pack animals, even when loudly proclaiming their fierce independence.

Physically awkward. Physical sexual development can run ahead of a teen being emotionally and cognitively ready to handle those changes. This leaves teens often feeling distinctly out of phase with their morphing bodies and the resulting emotional fallout.

Overwhelmed. Teens are short tempered, stressed, and at their wits end, all before school starts at seven fifteen in the morning – and the day doesn’t get any better from there.

Insecure. Nothing is secure when every day is fraught with worries, fears, and potential disasters waiting arouind the next corner, the next encounter, the next relationship.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 2 of my new book,

The Stranger in Your House. I’ll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a FREE copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To paricipate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers – in the comments section of this or future blog posts about the book. 

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The (Teenage) Stranger In Your House

Sunday, October 16th, 2011

He’s in his room for what seems like days, emerging periodically and answering questions with sullen, monosyllabic responses.

She’s moody, teary, and irritable, one minute demanding you drop everything to tend to her needs and the next minute demanding you just leave her alone!

He’s not going out for tennis this year, even though he did well last year. When you ask him why, he can’t really give you an answer, other than he’s not interested anymore. As you think about it, there are a lot of things he just doesn’t seem that interested in anymore. He seems to fill up his time somehow, but you’re not sure with what. When he was younger, his life was an open book; now, he’s closed the cover and locked you out.

She’s constantly negative – about everything. Nothing ever goes right; she never looks right; you never act right. She used to be a fairly happy kid, but now she’s just difficult to be around, which kind of works out because you hardly ever see her anyway.

He complains about headaches and not feeling well. It’s hard to get him up in the morning to go to school. If he could sleep until noon every day, you think he would, and suspect he does when you need to leave early for work.

She’s rarely at the dinner table anymore. Instead, she says she’s already eaten, grabs a bag of chips and a soda, and goes to her room. When you ask her about it, she says she’s too busy to spend time with the family and prefers to work in her room, but you’re not exactly sure what she’s doing in there.

He used to spend hours chattering away about all sorts of things; you used to spend time together. Now, having a root canal seems higher on his priority list than spending any time with you.

As sure as she is that she’d really rather not spend time with the family anymore, that seems to be all she’s sure about. It takes her what seems like hours to get dressed in the morning, her chair piled high with discarded outfits. She doesn’t know what she wants to do or what she wants to eat, and getting her to sit down to do her homework is almost unbearable.

You know he’s got clean clothes because you do the laundry, but he seems to constantly wear the same clothes you could swear he went to bed in. His hair is never combed, and you’re worried about how often he’s doing things like brushing his teeth and wearing deodorant. He never seems to stand still long enough for you to really tell. Instead, you see more of his backside leaving than anything else about him.

You’re living on pins and needles, wanting to maintain family rules and responsibilities for the sake of the younger kids, but it’s sheer torture to get any sort of commitment from her to do her chores. She always promises to do them later, but, somehow, that later never seems to happen. It’s often more tiring to keep asking her to do her chores, so you just end up doing them yourself.

Sunday mornings are even worse than weekday mornings. Getting him up and ready for church hardly sems worth it. He used to go willingly, but now there’s always a reason why not. Just getting him in the car is a 30-minute argument.

All of this wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t get that sense in your gut that your teen is unhappy. It’s as if he or she walks around in a swirling cloud of discontent, frustration, and irritation. Sometimes it’s so thick you have trouble making out the person inside. It hurts because that person is still your child, no matter the age.

None of us want our kids to be miserable as they’re transitioning from child to adult. And none of us, frankly. want to be miserable ourselves, weathering an incessant barrage of teenage moods and behaviors. Navigating this time of life can be complicated, and it’s perfectly reasonable to reach out for some answers and some help.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 1 of my new book,

The Stranger in Your House. I’ll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a FREE copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To paricipate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers – in the comments section of this or future blog posts, or on the Facebook or Twitter pages linked to below.

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R is for Responsible for My Relationships: Teenagers

Wednesday, April 14th, 2010

Those of you with teenage children may nod your head enthusiastically at the topic of relational responsibility. After all, your children are developing their own friends — often inexplicable to you! You’re concerned about the influence of their friends and about potential sexual activity. This area of relationships for those with teenagers is a minefield, fraught with both anticipated and hidden dangers.

You have a right to be concerned.

Proverbs talks about friends in this way:

“A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Prov. 12:26) and “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Prov. 22:24-25).

Friends have influence over us. Teenagers especially tend to be “pack animals” and adopt the attitudes, beliefs, and values of the group with whom they associate. Pointing this out to teenagers can be a dicey proposition, as they tend to cling tightly to the image of defiant independence. Take, for example, teenage styles of dress, hair, or ornamentation. Teens adopt these styles as a way to declare personal independence, without taking into account their desire to fit into a group mentality. This paradox is visible to you, as the adult, but not necessarily to your teen.

The teenage years are a time of personal formation; your teen is making decisions about what sort of a person he or she wants to be. That is why it’s vital he or she has been given the tools needed to navigate these tricky waters. These tools aren’t handed to your children at fourteen, fifteen, or sixteen. Rather, over the course of their childhood, these tools are given, refined, supported, and encouraged.

Relational responsibility should be taught from infancy in order to support positive choices in adolescence and beyond. However, it is never too late to start teaching and modeling these concepts. Teenagers are still teachable and will listen to loving, commonsense advice. If your children are young, begin to teach these principles now. With solid grounding, your child can better weather the inevitable storms of adolescence, especially in the realm of relationships.

SOURCE: Chapter 8, “R is for Responsible for My Relationships,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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