Posts Tagged ‘Self-Esteem’

How to Claim Validation, Your Gift from God [1 of 2]

Saturday, September 4th, 2010

People who lack validation in their lives fail to understand their own value and worth. Without validation, it is difficult to have a concept of self-worth. Without an understanding of intrinsic value, a person will often look outside of self to find that validation. Instead of looking inside to anchor your belief in your value as a person, you hook that belief to the passing whims of circumstance, culture, and conditions.

Your belief in your value as a person can be ripped from you, leaving you grasping for the next handhold to come along. This was Megan’s life. Her hold on self-worth was only as strong as whatever relationship she was in. When that relationship ended, her sense of value as a person evaporated, leaving her frantic and desperate to begin another relationship. Within any relationship she had, she kept looking to the wrong party to anchor her sense of self.

She chose the person who always left instead of the person who was always there — Megan herself.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking your worth as a person comes from what you do instead of who you are. It is also easy to see your worth as being reflected off others instead of shining out from inside. When you allow other people or outside situations to provide your validation, you make yourself hostage to them.

When we validate ourselves, we recognize our worth. Notice I didn’t say we generate our worth or create our worth or cause our worth. Each of us has a worth, a value that we did not generate, create, or cause for ourselves. This value is inherent in us as people; this value is a gift from God.

IT’S WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHAT YOU DO

Each person is unique, looked over and loved by God. One of my favorite psalms in Scripture is Psalm 139 because it speaks of the intimate and loving relationship God has with each one of us. God knows us as individuals, not just as an anonymous blob in the mass of humanity. He knows nour name and everything about us.

Jesus in Luke 12:6-7 explains that we have great value to God and that “the very hairs of [our heads] are all numbered” (v.7). Do you know yourself well enough to know how many hairs you have at any given time? This may seem like rhetorical hyperbole, but it is meant to illustrate that God, your loving Father, knows who you are.

God knows you and loves you, as you. Your value and worth as a person do not derive from what you do or who you’re in a relationship with. It doesn’t spring out of how much money you make or how attractive you are or how many times you can get an answer right. Your value is deeply rooted in your identity in God.

Genesis 1:27 clearly says that God made you in His image. You are, as Psalm 139:14 says, “fearfully and wonderfully made.” This isn’t talking about that part of you that comes directly from God, who verse 13 says crafted your creation.

God made you who you are and loves you for who you are. This is the bedrock foundati0n for self-worth. This is self-worth anchored in God; this is your special identity safe and protected in God’s hands. You can validate yourself by recognizing your worth in Him.

Source: Chapter 6, “Our Need for Validation” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 

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Fame, Status, Success: Real or Imagined?

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

There is a corollary to money and power that I have seen people cling to as a way to security. It is the desire for fame, status or success as a bulwark against feelings of marginalization and lack of self-esteem. These people often feel that they are outside the rules that control the rest of society.

Special status bestowed by others is precarious because it is usually based upon the current popular culture.

Popular culture is not stable. There was a time when politicians had status; now they are thought of more as infamous than famous. There was a time when the bankers on Wall Street with million-dollar bonsues were looked upon with something akin to reverence; now it’s more like revulsion. The special people in a society can change overnight.

 When the winds shift and you’re not considered special anymore, your world can come crashing down. Just ask past-their-prime athletes, last year’s beautiful people, or former child-star actors relegated to third-rate reality shows.

I have known a few people who were famous because of their achievements or position. I have known far more people who assigned themselves their own special status. Often they considered themselves to be special and outside of the rules, not so much because of what they had but because of what they didn’t have.

This is not popularitity through the positive but notoriety through the negative.

Their special status was because “no one else has suffered like I have” or “I am owed because of what I’ve lacked in my life” or “because of what I’ve suffered I can’t be held responsible.” This attitude produces a sense of entitlement. Yet this sense of entitlement isn’t bestowed upon the person by popular consensus. Rather, it is that person who has elevated himself or herself to a special status.

When you have declared yourself special and demand special treatment because of it, you create a false sense of security. After all, you are in control because you have declared yourself the sole artiber of your specialness. The instability of this platform arises because others may not be of the same opinion. They may interpret your specialness as rude, aggressive, argumentative, insensitive, arrogant, or unrealistic. The more you loudly demand your specialness, the deeper their negative reaction is driven. The more you demand to live outside the rules, the more others may desire for you to simply live outside of their proximity.

It is seductive to want to live outside of the rules and the natural consequences of life. Rules so often have to do with limits and restrictions. Natural consequences can seem harsh and unfair. The Gotta Have It! of claiming a special status yells out, “That doesn’t apply to me!”

When we get to avoid the rules of others and make up our own rules, we feel a sense of control over our world. When we are in control, we feel more secure.

Source: Chapter 5, “Our Need for Security” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 
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When Exercise is Exorcise: Carla’s Story

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

We live in an anxious world, and one of our deepest needs is to be reassured in the midst of our anxiety. Paul, in Philippians, tells us we should quell our anxiety through prayer and petition. Instead, however, we have reached for everything from pills to pasta, working to workouts, pull tabs to Prozac — without any lasting reassurance.

In our anxious world, we cry out, “It’s not going to be okay!” as we come face-to-face with our fears, worries, and anxieties. In this world, we can feel vulnerable or at risk, often without being able to clearly identify why. We feel in danger, and the higher the sense of danger, the greater the need for reassurance.

Often, reassurance comes through an excessity. Is fear, worry, or anxiety at the root of any of your Gotta Have It! behaviors?

CARLA’S STORY

Carla could feel that tinge of panic starting. Because of an amazingly busy week, complicated by a persistent head cold, she had gone three days without exercising. She was starting to feel jumpy, irritable, like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. She needed to excercise; things weren’t right in the her world if she didn’t.

Exercise kept the monsters at bay.

Carla had lived intimately connected to the monster of low self-esteem, poor body image, and fear of fat for years. She relied on the feeling of pushing herself to the limit, giving herself an edge over those insecurities.

Exercising, for Carla, had become exorcising; when she exercised physically, she emotionally exorcised her emotions, her anxieties. Nothing else she did kept the panic under control. If she could just get back to exercising, everything would be fine — or at least back at status quo.

She never felt she was really accomplishing anything by exercising, but at least she wasn’t losing ground to the monsters. After three days, she could feel that ground start to shift.

For Carla, exercise was an excessity, truly a Gotta Have It! activity. Exercise soothed her worry and panic. After she exercised, she felt reassured that the disaster she lived with every day, lurking on the sidelines, would not happen — at least not today.

Carla lived in fear of becoming fat. At the root of this fear was a tremendous insecurity about who she was a person. Carla worked very hard to keep her outside “perfect” becuase she felt so imperfect on the inside. If she ever became fat, then the worst would happen — her outside would mirror her inside, and she would no longer be able to hide. Carla lived in fear of exposure. Being thin was her defensive barrier and she was willing to do just about anything to shore up that defense.

Some of you can immediately identify with Carla. For the rest of you, however, before you autmoatically say, “Whew! That isn’t me,” I want you to take a moment to reconsider. Sometimes your Gotta Have It! behavior isn’t meat to usher in things that make you feel good, but rather that behavior is meant to keep out things that make you feel bad.

Fear worry, and anxiety can make you feel bad — and they can become all-consuming, fueling those particular excessities tied to them. If you want to defuse the power of your excessities, you need to determine what negative feelings are at the heart of any of them.

Source: Chapter 4, “Our Need for Reassurance” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 
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Do You Have Healthy Self-Esteem? 8 Telling Traits

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

As you recognize and use your gifts, you develop a better self-image, higher energy, and increased good humor. Part of developing self-esteem is making a commitment to yourself not to try to please the world. If you wish to live out your giftedness and become strong — strong enough to take you from exhaustion to emotional health — then it’s critical that you make the time to learn and adopt the vital skills of a person with healthy self-esteem

8 TRAITS OF THOSE WITH HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

1. They live with an attitude of humility. When our gifts and talents are discovered by others, our self-esteem immediately feels the positive thrust of that affirmation.

2. They speak the truth as they see it, without fear of rejection and with no intent to harm others. Speaking the truth lovingly is not dependent on whether the recipient is able to hear it. It is never part of our life’s assignment to mind other people’s business.

3. They know how to separate feelings from the message being delivered. Those with good levels of self-appreciation will find it progressively easier to separate emotions from the content of another’s communication and will recognize the importance of differentiating between the two in their own communications.

4. They recognize the role that emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt play in people’s lives. They no longer take their anger, fear, or guilt at face value but instead learn to look beneath the surface to determine the reason for and source of those emotions.

5. They don’t simply follow the followers. It’s like the timekeeper setting his watch by the clock in a jeweler’s window so that he can blow the lunch whistle exactly at noon, only to find out that the jeweler was setting his clock by the timekeeper’s noon whistle. This is another example of followers following followers.

6. They look for reasons to release others and believe in the ability of others to make decisions. We can help those we love by believing in their abilities and encouraging them to use their gifts. Persons who have healthy self-esteem themselves are better able to respect and appreciate the abilities and skills of others.

7. They are accountable in word and deed for what they say and do. Can people count on us when we say we’re going to do something? When we make a promise do we do our best to keep it? Becoming strong again means taking full responsibility for our actions, which quickly builds self-esteem.

8. They know the past is the past and the present is the present. They recognize that to be emotionally healthy they must move from victim to victor. The strong person with a growing self-esteem is the one who refuses to let the past control what happens today.

Rather than chasing temporary emotional rewards by playing games with the truth, you can learn to stand up for what you believe, speak the truth in love, live through the stormy times with energy and joy, and little by little rewrite your life script.

SOURCE: Chapter 2: “The Long Journey from Darkness to Light” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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