Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

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How We Perpetuate Emotional Abuse

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

Bill and his wife, Margaret, brought to our counseling center their teenage son, Kevin, who was becoming increasingly rebellious and hard to control. He was throwing things around in his room, staying out late with friends whom Bill did not accept, and coming home drunk. After running out of options, and on the advice of their son’s school, they sought professional help to sort out their differences.

Bill was convinced that a therapist would tell Kevin to clean up his act, learn to behave responsibly as a near-adult, and stop engaging in his destructive, disobedient behavior of staying out late and partying. Bill believed that a professional would help Kevin jettison his childish behavior and learn to accept the realities of the adult world.

Bill thought the therapist would deal only with Kevin’s behavior. He’d pretty much had enough of trying to talk to his son. Their talks always seemed to end with them yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. Bill was determined to bring Kevin’s behavior under control, and Kevin was just as determined not to be ruled by his father anymore. Bill was looking to the therapist to provide weight and a second opinion to his attempts to reason with Kevin. Bill had prepared himself for being told about all the problems Kevin had. Although they would be difficult to face, these problems were a fact of their life. They had to be faced squarely and dealt with in an adult and responsible way.

Instead, Bill was challenged by Kevin’s therapist to take a hard look at the way he was treating his son and the messages he was transferring to him. Bill had to turn his view around from the adult he expected Kevin to be to the child Kevin actually was.
Bill discovered that Kevin really did want to please him but felt he never could hit the mark. Frustrated after years of trying unsuccessfully, Kevin not only had given up but in anger had rebelled against everything he knew his dad wanted him to be. Bill learned that the anger Kevin was feeling had been brought on by a deep sense of loss that he could never gain his father’s approval.

Kevin discovered that Bill really did love him – so much so that he wanted him to be perfect so that nothing bad would ever happen to him, and so that if it did, he would be tough enough to handle it. Kevin learned that Bill was raising him just the way Bill himself had been raised.

Bill realized how powerful his words and messages were in Kevin’s life and how much Kevin needed positive, affirmative messages from his dad in order to grow and function. Bill learned it was okay to show Kevin his love, his fears, his hopes, his emotions.

Kevin learned to begin to trust his dad.

As with other types of abuse, emotional abuse can be self-perpetuating. You accept the abuse, deny its impact, and ignore your inner self so much that, if you are not alert and careful, you end up continuing the cycle within your own relationships. Either you again take up the role of the abused in your new relationship or you switch roles and become the abuser.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 2 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

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The Story of a Woman’s Anger

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

On February 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger. For a preview of what to expect, here’s a collection of blogs I ran a few months ago featuring case studies of four women whose stories are shared in the book:

Pamela Under Stress: A Busy Mother’s Siege Mentality

Pamela really felt under siege by the pressures of her life. Every task, every demand on her time — even those she agreed to — began to feel like an attack against her peace of mind, her emotional stability, her physical stamina…. Read more.

Paralyzed by Anger: Jenny’s Story

Jenny listened to the voice message from Colin with mixed emotions. Part of her wanted to smile at how sweet he sounded over the phone. The other part of her counseled to avoid being swayed by the sound of his voice. She had already made up her mind not to continue going out with him. Her reasons were very specific and justified. He wasn’t serious enough. He lacked motivation. He wasn’t sensitive enough to her needs. For each reason, she could relive a detailed example of that failing…. Read more.

Anger In Waiting: Connie’s Story

Connie glanced at the clock on the dresser, agitated by how late it was. Almost simultaneously she heard her husband call up to the bedroom from downstairs. Rob wanted to know when she’d be ready to leave, and it was obvious by his tone of voice he was irritated at her tardiness. He’d said to be ready at 5:30, and she still had six minutes left, according to the clock…. Read more.

Resolving Relationships: Katie’s Story, Part I

Katie came to work with me originally because of depression and an eating disorder. Her mother was concerned because, at twenty-three, Katie was obese. She had a good job but was plagued by high absenteeism that threatened her employment. When she was at work, she was meticulous and thorough. But there were just too many days when she couldn’t seem to make it in. Her weight never seemed to go down. It would plateau for a time, but then Katie would have a “down time” and up it would creep…. Read more.

Resolving Relationships: Katie’s Story, Part II

Katie hadn’t worried about it much while still in school because the sheer busyness and activity level of college kept a lid on her weight. As soon as Katie graduated and got a job, however, things started to unravel. Even though she wanted to lose weight, she couldn’t seem to. The heavier she got, she worse she felt. The more out of control her life and her eating became, the angrier she got. The angrier she got, the more despair she felt. The more despair she felt, the deeper her depression. The more depressed she became, the harder it was to go to work and the easier it was to eat…. Read more.

Click here for details on how to enter the book giveaway.

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The Excessity of Relationships

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Relationship excessities aren’t always of a sexual nature. Sometimes, the excessity relationship I see is between parent and child. It is a disturbing distortion of the natural bonding that should occur, where one appears unable to detach and function without the other.

Bonding becomes bondage.

This kind of enmeshment between mother and daughter often manifests itself in an eating disorder — the daughter’s symptom of the mother’s relational stranglehold. I have also seen it in opposition defiant disorder between a father and son, where the son assumes a constant position of hostility in order to avoid the suffocation of his father’s need for control over his life.

Relationships can also become an excessity when it is the fact of the relationship, not the face of the relationship, that matters most.

I’ve seen people jump from relationship to relationship, refusing to grow and learn from each other, in order to perpetuate a deep-seated pattern. For these people, the faces change but the circumstances do not.

He’s forever looking for someone who needs him so much she’ll be afraid to leave. She’s forever looking for someone who is wounded more than she is so her hurt won’t seem so bad. I’ve seen people who needed to be in a relationship so badly — who could not tolerate being alone — they compromised just about everything.

If you keep looking in the mirror when it comes to relationships and say to yourself over and over, “I can’t believe I keep doing this!” it’s time to determine if being in relationships has become an excessity in your life.

SOURCE: Chapter 2, “Examine Your Excess,” in Gotta Have It! by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Overworked: Tom’s Idea of “Success”

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

Tom didn’t realize it at the time, but his success in climbing to a top executive position with his company was achieved at the expense of his personal life.

He stayed at the office well into the evening each day, spent hundreds of hours on airplanes each year — always working madly on his laptop computer, of course — entertained clients over dinner, and took at least two full briefcaes home each weekend.

When Tom wasn’t working, work was working Tom.

Even when physically present at the family dinner table, his mind was still in the office, thinking of the current project, the next project, or past projects. When he’d go on vacations with his family, Tom would pack an extra box or two of business reports, books, and magazines. He never got to all of them but he was content to know that his security blankets were not far away.

This obsession with work was destroying Tom’s relationshp with his wife and children but that didn’t seem to matter much to Tom, because he continued to get reinforcement for his yeoman efforts from his boss and colleagues.

Peoplel in the office would say, “You know, Tom is just about the hardest-working guy I”ve ever seen in this place. I can’t believe it. How does he do it? He keeps his weight down, has energy to spare, works until seven every night, comes in on Saturdays more than anyone else, works at home. What a guy”

What a guy indeed. Although he says he loves his wife, Tom is now divorced, lives in a one-bedroom efficiency apartment, and misses his kids, but he is still nowhere near understanding what really happened. He tried to grow in one dimension only, and because of his physical endurance, business acumen, and the reinforcement he received from his colleagues, he figured he’d be able to pull it off.

Tom made his choice early on. He accepted the challenge to make work his life and life his work. He bought into reaping the benefits he thought he wanted, rewards he was sure would result from hard work and dedication: power, respect, money, and achievement.  As advancements came his way, along with greater responsibility, the pressure to produce even more only increased.

Tom mistook an organized, effective, well-paid, well-oiled economic situation for a relationship. It was not. It was an arragement for business purposes. Yes, Tom had to work and he was good at what he did. But there was no balance to his life. Tom had a loving wife and great kids who were dying to have a relationship with him. They needed to be recognized, uplifted, talked to, listened to. They needed — and still need — someone who regards their opinion as important and who will be there when they need him most.

Do you relate to Tom?

You may have been on one end of the spectrum or the other. You may even now be so preoccuped with business success, travel, and the next deal that you are forgetting what may be most important in your life. Or you may be the one at home who wonders if your husband or wife will ever see the need for the kind of relationship you are eager to share.

Remember that the most effective way of establishing a healthy relationship with others is to become emotionally healthy yourself. It may involve some serious challenges as you move through the process, but you must not forget the importance of your own emotional well-being.

The following questions can help you recognize if you are creating and maintaining healthy relationships:

Am I able to slow down? Can I get rid of my dysfunctional attitudes about time that tmake me think I need to do everything now, in a hurry, at all costs, to the detriment of the relationships I say are important to me?

Am I looking at the bigger picture? Is what I do really what I want to do and be? Am I engaging in the kinds of activities that encourage or inhibit my relationships?

Am I equating work with my worth? It’s been said that we’ve become walking resumes, meaning that we are what we do — no more, no less. Am I able to do something like walk on a secluded beach and enjoy a sunset with my spouse or a friend (without my cell phone or pager) and still feel I have value?

Do I take breaks during the day to do something besides work? Do I take the time to call a friend, take a 5-minute vacation, write a love note or postcard to a son or daughter in college, or pick up some flowers for a loved on on my lunch break?

If your answers to these questions are generally no, it may be wise to share your concerns and observations with a friend, your pastor, or a professional counselor.

SOURCE: Chapter 9 “Living Right-Side Up in an Upside-Down World” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Healthy Relationships: Refilling Your Bucket

Friday, April 30th, 2010

Sometimes unhealthy relationships need to be severed or severely restricted. While this can be perceived as another loss, it is also an opportunity. It is an opportunity to seek out a healthy, beneficial relationship to take its place. Don’t be in a hurry. Allow the relationship to reveal its true nature over time. Be open about the pain in your past and your desire for healing. New friendships are a wonderful time to start fresh, not only with a new person but also with yourself. Each new friendship allows you to rewrite the definition of what it is to be your friend.

Recognize also that there are many types of relationships. There are acquaintances, friendships, romantic connections, and lovers. Depending upon where you are in your healing journey, some may not be wise or suitable. This doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of the others.

But in all your relationships, God must be the guide.

Ask yourself, “Is this a person God wants me to be in a relationship with? Do the goals of this relationship match God’s goals for me? If God was my earthly parent, is this someone I would take home for him to meet?” Our heavenly relationship must govern our earthly ones. They do not and cannot exist apart from each other. God cares about us, so it matters to him with whom we are spending time. It matters to him how we are treated and how we treat others. It’s put this way in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light an darkness?”

In your new relationships, choose people who practice doing right. Choose people who follow the light. If you’re not sure, watch their deeds. Who they are will become evident. If you’re still not sure, ask the Lord for wisdom and guidance. Ask him to reveal the person’s heart to you. Ask God to reveal your own heart.

When we let go and let God guide our relationships, we demonstrate our love for and trust in him.

Within the folds of a God-directed relationship, we are able to mend our broken hearts, exchange companionship for loneliness, and participate in the double blessing of helping others to heal and being healed ourselves. God sends us precious companions on our journey to healing. We were not meant to be alone. God can send each of us to encourage, rebuke, motivate, help, and love another person. Find this type of friend for yourself. Be this type of friend to others.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Connections,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Building Intimate Relationships: 6 High Dive Principles

Thursday, April 22nd, 2010

A new adventure starts the moment you allow yourself to love the person you are inside — that good person with the great, compassionate, overflowing heart — even as you recognize there will still be great challenges as you keep growing toward emotional health.

6 HIGH DIVE PRINCIPLES

1) Face your challenges head-on. If you choose to, your compulsive behaviors will remain. Overeating, secretive spending, an obsession with television, hiding food, lying, and whatever behaviors you may be engaging in may seem innocent enough. In fact, they are a chain on your body and a tether to your soul, dragging you to places you do not wish to go. Become aware of what is happening to you, in you, and around you.

2) Put yourself in the company of a variety of people, difficult though it may be. It could be a small Bible study, a support or therapy group, a community project, fellowship group, the choice is yours. But choose something to join now. There’s a saying that you can’t get to second base with one foot on first. It’s the same challenge you face in moving closer to others. Move quietly away from your past isolation and get involved at the basic level with other people. Even if you do not participate fully in the event, at least have the courage to be present. You can’t learn to swim by reading a book, and you will never achieve intimacy with others unless you take the risk of being in their presence.

3) Discover what kinds of people are a challenge to you. What types of individuals trouble you or seem to make you feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, or ill-at-ease? Who ar these people in your life? Are they neighbors, relatives, a boss? For instance, if you are a woman and are uncomfortable around men, put yourself in the presence of trustworthy men with whom you practice being the kind of perosn you are becoming without losing your personal power or identity.

4) Survey your past. Look at those relationships that have involved conflict, hurt, and pain, and therefore need to be resolved. You may have been the receiver of the hurt, or you may have been the giver. Whichever, look at the conflict squarely and determine to do something redemptive. People who lose weight permanently learn to do this on a regular basis. They see and feel the hurt, and they forgive.

5) Select two or three people and work on improving your relationships with them. These might be people you work with, live with, or come in close contact with on a regular basis. Write down three ways you would like to see your relationships with them improve. Then begin to work on enriching those relationships. Because you have been a food addict, you may have assembled a group of codependents who have not been honest with you about what was going on in your life. Now is your opportunity to take the offensive and begin to effect positive changes in your relationships. Be aware that your former compulsive eating has made an impact on others. Choose a few people with whom you want more honest, healthier relationships.

6) Look for creative ways to solve your interpersonal problems. Emotionally healthy people are problem-solvers and bridge-builders in relationships. They understand that we were never made to go it alone. No one is an island. Deep within each person with a weight problem is a big, loving heart that desperately wants to touch someone, hug someone, love someone, and be touched and loved in return. You may be off the scale when it comes to anger. But please never forget: the damage is not permanent. You are becoming free to be authentic again. You need no longer allow your addictions, unresolved anger, or compulsions to hide your big, loving heart.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “Developing Intimacy With People,” in Losing Weight Permanently by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Connections: The Healing Touch of Relationships

Friday, April 16th, 2010

What happens when you get your hand too close to a flame? Instantly, you draw your hand back. It’s immediate. It’s reactive. You get as far away from the source of the pain as you can. This reaction to physical pain is natural. And it also can be our reaction to emotional pain.

When emotionally wounded, we tend to draw back into ourselves. We become suspicious of other people. We even become suspicious of our own motives and decisions. And so, we withdraw from people.

As a result, left alone in our pain, we are cut off from the healing touch that comes from our relationships.

In the first book of the Bible, God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2″18). He was speaking in the context of the marriage relationship, but our need for connection is there, outside of marriage as well. We need extended family and good friends. Our connection to other people builds a closely knit community, and within the context of community, we are able to provide for the needs of others and to receive help for our own needs.

Why is it that just when we need people the most, we tend to withdraw ourselves? I believe there are several reasons, which either individually or in combination reinforce our belief that it’s better for us to be alone with our pain:

  • We think others won’t understand what we’re going through
  • We’re distrustful of others because of what we’ve suffered
  • We’re unwilling to forgive those who have added to our pain
  • We’re so depleted that we think we have nothing to give to another person
  • We don’t believe we deserve to be loved again

In each of the beliefs above, there is an element of truth. Yet it is only partial truth. Let’s look at each of these beliefs, expanding our understanding so we can see them from a broader perspective. Ultimately, the truth is that we need others. If we are not able to embrace that truth, we sentence ourselves to the torment of solitary confinement. Invariably, we hurt ourselves even more.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Connections,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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R is for Responsible for My Relationships: Teenagers

Wednesday, April 14th, 2010

Those of you with teenage children may nod your head enthusiastically at the topic of relational responsibility. After all, your children are developing their own friends — often inexplicable to you! You’re concerned about the influence of their friends and about potential sexual activity. This area of relationships for those with teenagers is a minefield, fraught with both anticipated and hidden dangers.

You have a right to be concerned.

Proverbs talks about friends in this way:

“A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Prov. 12:26) and “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Prov. 22:24-25).

Friends have influence over us. Teenagers especially tend to be “pack animals” and adopt the attitudes, beliefs, and values of the group with whom they associate. Pointing this out to teenagers can be a dicey proposition, as they tend to cling tightly to the image of defiant independence. Take, for example, teenage styles of dress, hair, or ornamentation. Teens adopt these styles as a way to declare personal independence, without taking into account their desire to fit into a group mentality. This paradox is visible to you, as the adult, but not necessarily to your teen.

The teenage years are a time of personal formation; your teen is making decisions about what sort of a person he or she wants to be. That is why it’s vital he or she has been given the tools needed to navigate these tricky waters. These tools aren’t handed to your children at fourteen, fifteen, or sixteen. Rather, over the course of their childhood, these tools are given, refined, supported, and encouraged.

Relational responsibility should be taught from infancy in order to support positive choices in adolescence and beyond. However, it is never too late to start teaching and modeling these concepts. Teenagers are still teachable and will listen to loving, commonsense advice. If your children are young, begin to teach these principles now. With solid grounding, your child can better weather the inevitable storms of adolescence, especially in the realm of relationships.

SOURCE: Chapter 8, “R is for Responsible for My Relationships,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Rebuilding Relationships: Boundaries

Monday, April 12th, 2010

What do you do with relationships that you have tried to mend, but they remain broken? Once you honestly assess the relationship and realize you are neither magnifying nor minimizing your responsibility in the brokenness of that relationship, you may need to accept the reality that changes are necessary.

To assist you in honestly assessing a particular relationship, ask yourself the following 14 questions:

  1. Do you expect this person to protect you emotionally?
  2. Do you expect this person to hurt you emotionally?
  3. Do you allow this person to hurt you emotionally?
  4. Do you allow this person to manipulate you?
  5. Does a part of you feel safer whenever this person is in control?
  6. Does a part of you only feel safe when you are in control and not this person?
  7. Are you manipulating this person through your depression?
  8. Do you have a habit of discounting or minimizing your own needs to this person?
  9. Do you prevent this person from knowing and filling your needs?
  10. Do you derive your sense of self-worth from your ability to meet this person’s needs?
  11. Do you actively promote yourself as a martyr in this relationship?
  12. Do you avoid solving problems in this relationship?
  13. Are you unable to relax and have fun in this relationship?
  14. Are you afraid to be truthful in this relationship?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, this indicates an out-of-balance relationship that you should mend or modify.

Sometimes we are in relationships with extremely negative people. They are our primary drainers. Sadly, these individuals are often members of our family, who through family ties feel they have a right to act as an emotional, physical, or financial drain on our lives. If you continue in these same kind of draining relationships, your ability to overcome depression can be seriously compromised. When a draining relationship brings you to a continued state of depression, it is time to change that relationship for your health and well-being. This can be a significant decision, not to be taken lightly.

In order to help you determine if a relationship is one you need to modify, consider whether or not this person is at the source of, or contributes to, your negative patterns, perceptions, and deceptive self-talk. If this is the case, you will want to modify your relationship with this person, if not eliminate it altogether.

If this person is a member of your family, it may not be possible for you to cut off contact. Wherever possible, you should attempt to mend this relationship, hopeful of change from the other person. If you have tried and have made the changes you feel able to make, yet it still remains a significant drain on you, then you will need to modify the boundaries of that relationship.

Communicating these boundaries should not be done in a confrontational manner. Boundaries should be stated in a natural, matter-of-fact way. You do not need to apologize or feel guilty about setting boundaries. They are normal and healthy for all relationships. Generally, when you are mending a relationship, you are setting boundaries for your own behavior. When you are looking to modify a relationship, you are setting boundaries for the behavior of others.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Family Dynamics,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Prayer for Freedom From Anger

Monday, January 11th, 2010

You stand at the door to my heart and knock. You stand at the door to my anger and ask to be allowed inside. I confess I’ve been ashamed for you to see what lies inside that door. I confess I have wanted to keep what lies inside that door to myself.

I confess to you, Father, this anger is poisoning my relationships. Anger has become an idol in my life that I have worshiped and turned to for solace. Free me from my anger, almighty God. Release me from its chains. Drive out the mocker from inside my head. Help me to hear only your voice, as you sing over me with love and grace.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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