Posts Tagged ‘Gregory L. Jantz’

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R is for Responsible for My Emotions

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Just as children come in all body types, they also come in all emotional types. Some children are natural stoics. Some children have a seemingly endless supply of pendular emotions. Other children are one-sided emotionally, reacting to a variety of situations with a specific emotional response, such as anger or disappointment. You may have emotionally different children but one desired outcome — for each child to become responsible for his or her emotional response.

KNOWING YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL STATE

Before we begin to talk about your child, we need to talk about you.

As the adult role model, you need to have your emotional act together. Just as your own poor food choices can make it difficult for your children to eat responsibly, your poor emotional choices can make it difficult for your children to react responsibly. Your emotional stability, or lack thereof, provides an environment for your child’s emerging emotions.

Think for a moment how you usually respond to the following situations with your child — not what you hope you’ll do or what you think you should do but your standard response.

  1. How do you respond when your child whines?
  2. How do you respond when your child is excited?
  3. How do you respond when your child is angry?
  4. How do you respond when your child is happy?
  5. How do you respond when your child is defiant?
  6. How do you respond when your child is hopeful?
  7. How do you respond when your child is sad?
  8. How do you respond when your child is right?
  9. How are your responses to others different from how you respond to y9ur child?

The way you respond to your child, and to others, speaks volumes. As the adult, you set the emotional tone for your child, affecting his or her own emotional response. So now take the time to go through the same nine questions again, this time answering with the healthy responses you would like to emulate in the future.

ASK FOR HELP

Father, thank you for making us as  diverse emotionally as we are physically. Help me to know and understand my child’s emotions. I confess I’ve allowed the sun to go down on my own anger. I accept that my emotional stability is a model for my child. Help me to allow my child to experience and express emotions. Alert me to any difficulty my child has with emotional stability, and help me to subdue my pride in order to get needed help. Amen.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “R is for Responsible for My Emotions,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Learned Invisibility: Are You In Hiding?

Monday, March 29th, 2010

“I don’t know who I am,” Kevin said softly to himself. It was as if he had amnesia, except he realized he hadn’t forgotten his past; he had just never really known who he was. Kevin thought about his childhood and teenage years and realized he had never felt fully present or actively engaged. It seemed to him that he was always moving on the edges of life.

When Kevin was a small child, he was just Danny’s younger brother.

Danny was older and smarter and stronger. Danny was larger than life — at least larger than Kevin’s life. When he was in junior high, he’d relished his intentional ability to seem invisible — it had been an excruciatingly awkward time when anonymity was often a blessing.

In high school, Kevin blended in as one of a group of guys, unremarkable individually, but who found solidity in numbers. Adrift after high school, he never finished college and instead found his identify in managing a fast-food restaurant. Adulthood meant recognition as a uniform and a nametag not as an individual.

When Kevin got married, he became Sheryl’s husband, she being much more outgoing than he. It was the same after the kids came. His identity expanded to Heidi and Steven’s father. But the older they got, the less they seemed to need him.

As he thought about it, Kevin realized his sense of self always came as a corollary to someone else.

“If  I’m going to get over this,” he said, “I’ve got to learn who I am.”

LEARNED INVISIBILITY

When Kevin came to us, it wasn’t because of any major trauma in his life. Yes, his kids were teenagers, but they were doing fairly well with the adolescent transition. He’d settled into a comfortable relationship with Sheryl and his job was stable. Yet Kevin was battling a profound depression. He didn’t understand why and couldn’t see any way out of it.

What began as a couple of sessions of counseling through his employee assistance program at work became a yearlong journey through his young adulthood, into early middle age. Through this journey, Kevin became acquainted with someone he’d never really taken time to know before — Kevin.

In Kevin’s household there was only room for one dominant personality — his mother. She ran the household, her husband, and her children. Opinionated and vocal, her personality permeated the entire house. She did not allow others to express strong feelings, either positive or negative. She was the conductor of all thoughts, feelings, and opinions in the house. Others could attempt to express themselves but only at her direction. Kevin’s older brother, Danny, waged a constant battle, chafing against these restrictions. As he watched the fallout between this clash of wills, Kevin determined never to be put in that position.

Unlike Danny, Kevin was afraid of his mother.

Over the years Kevin developed a pattern of withdrawing into himself, of becoming “invisible” around his mother, forcing himself to merge his identity and personality into hers. What she liked, he liked. What she didn’t, he didn’t. If he had a different feeling or reaction, he did not express it. He came to understand that this was the tactic used by his father, who seemed to “click” himself off whenever Kevin’s mother entered the room, retreating to the television or the newspaper.

Kevin continued this pattern by aligning himself with other, more dominant, personalities. He allowed himself to take his sense of identity from other people in his life. It seemed safer that way.

This pattern produced a perception that Kevin was unremarkable, that he had few thoughts and opinions, that he was a follower and not a leader. He became the type who would be chosen by a leader, but not chosen to lead. By the time he reached middle age, Kevin was no longer content to be considered unremarkable. He longed for others to see him as a person of value and worth. But he was afraid it was too late. Kevin was afraid he would spend his whole life hiding in the shadows.

In order to overcome depression, Kevin needed to understand that it was safe to come out of hiding.

Are you depressed? Though no replacement for a formal diagnosis,  this survey can help you recognize the signs.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Family Dynamics,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Blooming Hope and Healing: Pam’s Story

Friday, March 26th, 2010

In a fallen world, the path to healing can be long. Therefore, perseverance and stamina are essential. Because anger, fear, guilt, blame, and shame drain us and make our life seem dark, exhausting, and fraught with problems, it is vital for us to remember that while we are on the path to healing, our minds show us the way, but our spirit energizes us, and our bodies get us there.

Negative emotions sap us of our mental and physical strength, but the opposite is also true: Positive emotions invigorate us, giving us the boost we need to continue on through difficult stretches.

PAM’S STORY

Grief crept up on Pam in the middle of a sunny afternoon, with flowers all around. Staying inside just wasn’t an option on such a beautiful day, so she’d gone out in the backyard to weed.

As she worked her way through the warm, damp garden beds, she came upon the calla lilies. Peeking up through the broad green leaves was the first blossom. Grief slammed down hard as Pam remembered this was her father’s plant. He’d painstakingly transported it from family home to family home across three states. When she’d moved into her first house, her father’s calla lily went with her.

Pam sat back on her heels, tears springing to her eyes. It wasn’t fair that her father was dead; he was too young. It wasn’t his time to go. He should have taken better care of himself. Look at all she and her family missed because of his death. Her children would grow up without knowing their grandfather. No more holiday celebrations. No more vacations to see grandma and grandpa. No high school graduations. No sharing college plans. No weddings. No great-grandchildren. The only interaction left for her children was with a memory, fast fading as they grew up, and pictures in frames on the piano in the living room. Not a living, breathing, laughing, loving grandfather.

Anger welled up inside her, causing even more tears. It just wasn’t right. It just wasn’t fair.

“Stop,” she told herself firmly. “It’s not his fault he’s dead. It’s not God’s fault either.” Pam’s father had died of congestive heart failure after a series of heart attacks, beginning when she’d still been in school and living at home. He’d done what he could to moderate the damage — he lost weight, quit smoking, and became more active. The damage was done, though, and it eventually caught up with him.

“Don’t dwell on this death,” she told herself, gently working the weeds away from the base of the plant. “Concentrate on his life!” As soon as her daughter got home from school, Pam took her out in the yard, showed her the beautiful new blossom coming up, and reminded her about her grandfather.

SOURCE: Chapter 5: “Transformation,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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From Guilt Cycle to Bicycle: Lose the Rules & Just Exercise!

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

What are the first three words that come to your mind when you think “exercise?”

Many people would write words like, boring, time-consuming, expensive. But when it comes to exercise, the most important questions people ask are, “How can I make exercise fun? What can I do that is so enjoyable that I’ll look forward to doing it day after day, week after week, year after year?

Exercise must be fully compatible with you and your personality. If you hate to run, don’t run, because if you hate it, you won’t do it. If a sweaty, inconvenient five-day-a-week regimen in a local fitness club is not for you, don’t do it.Exercise is not about feeling guilty for what you can’t — or choose not to — do.

The guiltier you feel, the less exercise you will do, and the less exercise you do, the guiltier you will feel, and your guilt cycle will produce depression, confusion, and anger to the point where your entire system may simply close down. The solution: Do what is right for you.

Choose an activity that is fun. For many people, the best initial exercise program is simply to walk. Walking requires no expensive club dues, no unique clothing or special shoes, no time limits, no stop watches, no subscriptions to fitness magazines, no nothing. With walking there are also no excuses. If it’s hot, walk early. If it’s raining, wear a raincoat or carry an umbrella, then come home and take a hot shower. It’s one of the most invigorating feelings ever. Try it.

NO EXCUSES PLEASE

People who lose weight permanently are realistic, and they make their activity program work for them. Exercise is their slave, not their master. When they walk, they know it directs a hefty supply of oxygen to their lungs, gives them a chance to be away from their busy life for a few moments, helps them think about their progress toward permanent weight loss, gives them a few moments to listen to the birds, smell the flowers, and spend quality time with their spouse, a neighbor, or a friend as they take on the familiar and unfamiliar streets and lanes of their neighborhood.

An exercise you choose to do because it’s right for you makes you feel good. Before long you begin to experience a wonderful freedom from depression and guilt. The right kind of exercise — that you choose — can actually put joy back into your life, while diets — or expensive health clubs you join because you feel guilty for not working out — invariably rob you of your job.

Bottom line: There are no rules for exercise, absolutely none! Cliche as it sounds, just do it!

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “From Guilt Cycle to Bicycle,” in Losing Weight Permanently: Secrets of the 2 Percent Club by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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R is for Responsible for My Body

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

In recent weeks I have introduced you to the SOAR concept when it comes to raising healthy, happy kids — Supported, Optimistic, Active and Achieving, and today’s focus, Responsible.

Scripture tells us that we are responsible to offer our bodies to God as a living sacrifice. We need to view our bodies as a valuable resource for God’s purposes in the world. In addition, we are to align our thoughts, priorities, and values not according to the pattern of this world but according to God’s will. These are lofty goals. We need to model them as adults so we can teach them to our children. We must show our children — not merely tell our children — how to act as responsible citizens in God’s kingdom.

Our bodies are complex systems that God has designed to operate optimally under some pretty straightforward, simple rules, applicable to every child:

  • Eat healthy — natural fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and proteins should be the staples of your child’s diet.
  • Get proper supplementation – begin in childhood to set the pattern of taking a good, absorbable multivitamin and mineral formula.
  • Drink water — growing bodies needs lots of clean, pure water.
  • Play hard — physical activity in childhood prepares the body for an active adulthood.
  • Rest well — children need good sleep and a soothing restful environment in which to rest and fall asleep each night.

Yes, they are simple, common-sense directives that all of us know, but the vast majority of us do not make good on these promises to our bodies and, in turn, the growing bodies of our children.

Remember that for the optimum health of your child, you need to actively partner with a pediatrician, ideally one who appreciates the whole-person approach to wellness. This partnership is invaluable! I realize many people move from place to place or even state to state, which can make health care continuity difficult. If you do not have a primary care physician for your child, I urge you to locate one and commit to regular checkups. Again, this is especially important if your child is significantly overweight and/or underfit. Your child needs medical supervision, and you need emotional and intellectual backup for the positive changes being implemented within your family.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.” ~Romans 12:1-2

SOURCE: Chapter 6, “R is for Responsible for My Body,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Are You Doing Too Much, Or Too Little? How Activity Level Causes Depression

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

Over the years it is possible for the activities and responsibilities of life to layer, each on top of the others. The combined weight of all these activities and responsibilities can be crushing. One of the first steps in taking stock of your life is to look at what you are doing.

Depression can occur when your activities are out of balance in the following ways:

  • You have too many activities, and the sum of them outweighs their individual value. When you’ve got too many things going collectively, you’re too busy to enjoy any of them individually.
  • You have many activities but too few worthwhile ones. When the sum of your activities is draining, it interferes with the worthwhile ones.
  • You have too few activities in your life. When your biggest activity is inactivity, you rob yourself of the stimulation and engagement of purpose and people.

If you have developed a pattern of tying self-worth to activity, you may find it difficult to let go of some of the things you are dong. If you have developed a pattern of believing in your own incompetence, taking on new pursuits may frighten you with their potential for failure. If you have developed a pattern of being afraid of making mistakes, an honest appraisal of why you are engaging in an activity may be uncomfortable because of needed changes it might reveal.

ALTERING PERCEPTIONS

Your life patterns are the result of your perception or view of life and what you believed would happen. They are often forged in childhood. Once you understand your personal life patterns, you will be better equipped to discover certain perceptions and expectations that led you to either negative or positive actions.

If you have the perception that your life is always supposed to be smooth sailing, the inevitable ups and downs can cause great anxiety. Down times are not put into proper perspective, because you don’t consider them to be legitimate in your life. Down times are supposed to happen to other people but not to you. If you are unprepared to deal with these down times, then confusion, frustration, and depression can result.

If you have the perception that you don’t deserve to be happy, you will filter the events of your life to make sure you aren’t content. Good things will be met with suspicion, and bad things will be welcomed as old friends.

If you have the perception that the only way for you to be safe is to be in control, you will have a heightened sense of anxiety over life events. Since people are rarely in total control over their environment, and never in control of other people, this perception leaves a persistent, nagging feeling of insecurity. This perpetual sense of unease can lead to anxiety and depression.

By acknowledging negative perceptions, you can move forward toward a view of life that is neither unrealistically rosy nor unrelentingly gray. Acknowledging your pace, patterns, and perceptions allows you to control and alter them to support your optimism, hope, and joy, even when life throws you a curve.

Are you depressed? Though no replacement for a formal diagnosis,  this survey can help you recognize the signs.

SOURCE: Chapter 4, “Living Life On Purpose,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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What You Think is What You Are: Feeding Your Subconscious Mind

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

The philosopher Jose Ortega y Gassett once wrote, “Tell me to what you pay attention, and I will tell you who you are.”

The subconscious mind never stops working, never gets tired, and never says no to any input it receives from you. It believes everything it hears and trusts everything you say or feel. It even responds to your most innocent thoughts, especially those thoughts which are highly emotionalized with either faith or fear. It is even more susceptible to repetitive thoughts (Remember: “Tell me to what you pay attention, and I will tell you who you are.”)

Your mind cannot distinguish fact from desire. That’s why daily affirmations are so effective. Try these:

1) I can lose all the weight I want, and still keep my cherished values.

2) I now believe that weight loss = power = sexual energy = fear + guilt, BUT emotional health = weight loss = physical vitality.

When you say, “I care about myself, and I am becoming the person I was meant to be; I like what God has created, and I am a person who is losing weight permanently,” then a wonderful world of self-acceptance begins to unfold.

The book of ancient wisdom reminds us that as a person thinks in his heart, so he is.

That’s a very old saying, but no less true today than when it was written. Thank good thoughts of yourself. Never put yourself down. What you think, you are. Your subconscious hears it all and believes it all. Treat it with respect. It is one of the most important parts of something called you.

SOURCE: Chapter 4, “The Dance of Sex and Weight,” in Losing Weight Permanently: Secrets of the 2 Percent Club by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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A is for Active: Tips for Time-Crunched Parents

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

Helping your family to be active and achieving helps them to find and fulfill their purpose in God. As we look at the specifics of how to increase the activity of your family, please be aware that it will come with a cost. The cost will come in the form of your time and commitment. You must spend time with your children, with your family, implementing the changes that need to be made. This will require you to look at what you’re currently doing and how you’re spending your time and to restructure your day so you can support these changes.

Let’s take a look at how a typical time-crunched parent, using a father in a two-income household as an example.

He gets up early (earlier, in fact, than he’d really like, given when he got to bed the night before) to get ready for work and help get the kids ready to go off to day care or school. With moments to spare, he’s dropping off kids at the bus stop or day care. All day is taken up with work, and before he knows it, it’s time to go home. If he gets off work earlier than his wife, he’s probably the one who picks up the kids. If not, they’re already home by the time he arrives. Dinner is eaten, homework is done, and all he wants is just a little bit of time to himself to unwind. In fact, he looks forward to when the kids are finally in bed so he’s able to spend some time with his wife.

When life is like this, finding ways to become more involved and spend more time with your children is hard. Hard, but not impossible. Here are a few suggestions I have for this dad:

  • Get up early enough to sit down and have breakfast with your children.
  • Take time the night before to choose a particular verse of Scripture to share with them as you eat together.
  • Use the time you have in the car with them to reaffirm your love and your desire for them to have a good day and to pray with them.
  • After work, take part in an organized activity with your children.
  • Take your children to the library on another day of the week.
  • Participate together in a midweek church service or Bible study.
  • Walk the family dog to a local park.

In other words, get out of the house and commit time to what makes your children happy. Sure, the easy thing to do is to come home each evening and determine, based upon your day, that the best thing to do is sit on the couch or in front of the television or computer doing just what you want to do. But your children need you to reserve time and energy and involvement for them, especially the younger the child.

What is the cost?

It means you won’t be able to watch that television show or get on the computer as much. It means you’ll need to reorient your focus from what you want to do in the evening to what’s best for your children. I think you’ll find, however, that the rewards of this connected, involved, and active time with your children will far outweigh the costs.

“Jesus said unto them, ‘My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working.’” ~John 5:17

SOURCE: Chapter 4, “A is for Active,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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4 Steps to Healthy Anger Management

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

If someone steals your wallet, you feel anger. If you come home after a much-deserved vacation and discover your house has been ransacked and burglarized, you feel violated and angry. If someone says something insulting to a member of your family, your anger may be so intense that you want to punch that person in the mouth. These are all understandable emotional responses.

You would hardly be a responsible human if you allowed these events to pass as if nothing had happened. However, we are also capable of doing irreparable damage to ourselves while we’re intent on attacking others. The missile of anger and hate that we launch will return to us every time.

Here are four useful ways to rethink your situation when you start to get angry:

1. Be your own person. Even if your anger has festered for yeas, you don’t need to let the actions of others dictate how you feel. Determine what you want out of the encounter. The old idea of counting to ten is still a good rule of thumb before saying anything at all. It will give you time to think about the situation and your response.

2. Don’t intimidate, and don’t be intimidated. Isaiah 1:18 says, “Come now, and let us reason together.” What a great idea. Be assertive by asking the person to be reasonable in your debate, even as you promise to return the favor.

3. If the shoe fits, wear it. There may be times when you will be confronted with the truth, but you may not want to hear it. That’s when your defenses may rise up like a ten-story building. Again, take a moment and listen to what’s being said. If you need time to think about it, say so. Then ask God to give you the courage to accept the truth and confess your fault if necessary.

4. Practice intentional kindness. God’s Word says that a kind word turns away anger (Prov. 15:1). Think of something positive to say to the person — even if it’s, “I hear what you are saying, and I need to take your comments seriously.” Take the offensive in praising the accomplishments of others. Edify those with whom you work and live. Tell them when they do good work. Anger and honest praise have difficulty living together. Be known as someone who sees the best in those around you.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “The Poisons of Anger, Fear, and Guilt” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Food Quiz: Are You Obsessed?

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Everything you have tried up to this point has not worked when it comes to losing weight permanently. Diets have not worked, powders have not worked, diet pills have not worked, and obsessively exercising has not worked. Every method of weight loss has been flawed. Each has promised you something it could not deliver. That’s why it’s time to ask yourself some personal questions.

RATING THE ROLE OF FOOD IN YOUR LIFE

On the following quiz, grade each statement on a score of 0 through 5. If it’s true for you almost all the time, give yourself a 5. If you usually do it, score a 4. If you seldom do it, score a 1. If you never do it, record a 0.

1. I have to be on a diet all the time.

2. I feel guilty when I eat a dessert.

3. I wake up thinking about food.

4. I dream about my weight and/or food.

5. At parties, I hang around the snack table.

6. I am ashamed of my body.

7. I feel it’s wasteful if I don’t clean my plate.

8. I seldom sit down to eat.

9. At buffets, I feel I must try a bit of everything.

10. I skip breakfast.

11. I often eat the leftovers after a party at my home.

12. I am afraid of losing control with food.

13. I eat most of the cookies I bake while they are still warm.

14. I buy popcorn at the movies even if I’ve just eaten.

15. There are only a few safe foods I feel I can eat.

16. When I’m bored, I get out the snack food.

17. I can gain weight overnight.

How did you rate yourself? Do you see a pattern?

If you had a total score of 65 or more, I am especially glad you are reading this blog, because there is hope for you. If your score was around 50, then you may or may not need to take action. If your total score was under 25, congratulations. I can only assume you are reading this so that you can refer this as a resource to a friend.

DISSECTING THE OBSESSION WITH FOOD

Sometimes I think the reason we eat by candlelight is because we have elevated food to a cathedral-like religious experience. Our “places of worship” are the open-all-night pavilions dedicated to the sale of fat, calories, and cholesterol, and all-you-can-eat troughs of food consumed by people for whom three full plates are never enough.

Those with food obsessions believe that:

  • Food is relief from stress
  • Food is reward for pain
  • Food is the epitome of success
  • Food is the wafer and wine for the religion of the obese
  • ‘Food is comfort in a time of storm
  • Food is life!

When people with eating disorders come to see me I ask them how much time they think about food. They often say “about 110 percent of the time.” That’s one of the most honest statements they’ll ever make during treatment. They do spend the majority of the time thinking about food: about when they are or are not going to eat, what they are or aren’t going to eat, and where they are or are not going to eat. But the feelings of control these individuals think they have are nothing but a fraud. In fact, the eating disorder is controlling them, consuming their relationships, ruining their self-esteem, destroying their health, and wasting their time. Ultimately, attempts to control food are failing to control pain, anger and fear.

SOURCE: Chapter 3, “Eating as an Art, in Losing Weight Permanently: Secrets of the 2 Percent Club by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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