Posts Tagged ‘forgiveness’

Overcoming: Unforgiveness

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

The number one thing I see people bring into the new year year  – and it’s usually not on any resolution list – is the whole thing of unforgiveness, of others or maybe even of yourself.

One in four adults are diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And I think we’re onto something when we see people come in and they’re depressed and they’re anxious and don’t know the real source of it. It’s buried in their history, and the roots of bitterness have taken a strong hold. And they don’t realize it’s this area of unforgiveness that needs attention. Well, its time to talk about setting yourself free.

There are three things that can destroy us: 1) anger and hurt (untreated), 2) pride – and pride takes many different forms, 3) and unforgivness. That’s coming from me, a counselor who has been working with people for 27 years.

Through forgiveness, I’ve seen lives change and people have been set free.

I think of a gal who, for 40 years, suffered with an eating disorder. She was in and out of treatment facilities, struggling with anorexia one month, bulimia the next. And after four decades of living this way it was at The Center where she had a revelation.

She said her father told her, since she was a little girl, that she was never going to amount to much. That she was a chubby little baby and would always live that way. She identified that root, that seed, that poison in her life, and by understanding that root – and coming from a place of forgiveness of a father who is long deceased – she was able to let that go.

Are you struggling with forgiveness, of yourself or others? If so, please share your story and/or question in the comments section of this post.

The above is an edited transcript of Dr. Gregory Jantz’s podcast on Unforgiveness (1-13-12), as heard on his Monday radio show, Overcoming. It airs every Monday at 1pm (PT) on www.kcisradio.com. Click here to subscribe.

Why Nobody Wins the Blame Game

Monday, May 17th, 2010

Blame stops growth and traps you from going further.

Blame doesn’t want to move forward; it wants to dwell on the anger and pain.

You may blame yourself for decisions and actions you’ve made that contributed to a state of depression. You may be so hard on yourself for past mistakes that your depression sometimes feels like relief, you are finally getting what you deserve. Self-blame produces guilt and shame, and these may seem like fair compensation for what you’ve done wrong in your life.

You may blame others for the way their decisions or actions have hurt you and contributed to your depression. You may blame others for simply not doing enough to help you or for being too wrapped up in their own problems to know you were hurting. Circumstances, instead of people, can also be a focus of your blame. You feel the odds are against you or the breaks don’t fall your way:

“The cards are stacked against you,” or “Life just isn’t on your side.”

These are all rationales used to blame impersonal situations for personal problems.

It can appear that forgiving people who have hurt you leaves you open to more pain. Forgiving is an action of control. By forgiving that person, you acknowledge their hurtful action and put them on notice that you are now in control of the relationship. With that control, it is up to you to decide the parameters you feel safe operating within. You can forgive that person of something in the past without granting them permission to hurt you in the future.

Forgiving others has another helpful benefit — as you learn to forigve others, it becomes easier to forgive yourself. But how do you know if you’ve actually achieved forgiveness? You can think you have forgiven someone, only to realize you still feel the pain of their offense when you are with them. You haven’t enjoyed the freedom of true forgivness if the anger, hurt, and resentment are still there.

Seek to accomplish the following five goals as you work toward forgiveness:

1) I will not get even or do harm.

2) I have personal peace.

3) I will not engage in self-destructive behaviors because of this person or event.

4) I am able to put what has happened to me into the context of my present life.

5) I am able to accept myself and others.

On the road to recovery, blame is a dead end masquerading as a short-cut. Forgiveness, on the other hand, can appear to be a much longer, more difficult road to take. Forgiveness feels like a loss of personal control. But when you blame another person, or circumstances, you turn power over to that person or circumstance. Forgiveness returns power to you, because it puts you in charge. Forgiveness allows you to respond and not merely react.

Blame is reactive, but forgiveness is responsive.

SOURCE: Chapter 9, “Renewing Your Spiritual Connections,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Hear and Forgive: A Sovereign Act of Power

Friday, March 12th, 2010

In the Old Testament books of 1 Kings and 2 Chronicles, God gives us the “hear and forgive” example of his forgiveness. This is an easy example for us to identify with, for it involves hearing the plea for forgiveness and then granting it. In these two books, the people of Israel called out to God, who heard them from heaven and forgave their sin (1 Kings 8:30, 34, 36, 39; 2 Chronicles 6:21, 25, 27, 30, 39). Forgiveness follows a plea for the same. It makes sense to us that if someone does us wrong, that person should recognize it and ask for forgiveness.

Some of us desire nothing more than for the one who wronged us to cry out for our forgiveness.

We dream of being in the position of 2 Chronicles 7:14: “If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

We want the person to acknowledge a relationship with us (”if my people who are called by my name”), exhibit an attitude of submission to us (”humble themselves, pray, seek my face”), and show their remorse (”and turn from their wicked ways”).

If all these conditions are met, then we will consider following.

God, of course, restores the relationship broken by sin (”then I will hear from heaven:”), agrees to the request (”and will fogive their sin”), and goes even further to provide blessings (”and heal their land”).

That is what God does, but it doesn’t always work that way with us.

Even if the person does all of the above, we may still withhold forgiveness because of the depth of our own hurt. We may not have the freedom of forgiveness, but we’ll gladly settle for the satisfaction of their humiliation. The truth is, their humiliation is what we desire most.  Through it, we feel vindicated and powerful, especially if their sin against us made us feel powerless, vulnerable, and victimized. We want them to beg for forgiveness in order to exact revenge.

We want to dangle the carrot of forgiveness in front of them in order to wield the stick of retribution.

This is not the purpose of forgiveness.

For example, God does not need to forgive us in order to feel powerful; he is almighty. It is not being in the position to forgive that exhibits power but the expression of forgiveness that proves it. The psalmist said, “But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared” (Psalm 130:4, NIV). It doesn’t say that God is feared because he might forgive; it says he is feared because he does forgive.

The act of forgiveness is the sovereign act. It is not a submissive act; it is an act of power.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “Forgiveness,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How to Forgive Without Forgetting

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Gina could hear the frustration in her sister’s voice, mixed with incredulity and a dash of betrayal. “I don’t understand how you can stand to be around her! How can you forget what she was like growing up?”

“I haven’t forgotten what she was like,” Gina replied. “I’ve forgiven her for what she was like.” It wasn’t the first time Gina and her sister had replayed this conversation. It seemed to surface after major holidays. Patricia refused to engage in anything more than a yearly cursory visit while Gina made a point to spend time with their mother. Patricia clearly couldn’t stand to be around her mother for longer than was absolutely necessary, and she didn’t understand how Gina could. More than once, Patricia implied that Gina was taking sides against her and for their mother.

“Even if I could let go of the past, she’s still the same old Mom,” said Patricia, “negative, judgmental, and critical. She drives me nuts!”

“Once I forgave her,” Gina responded, “it took away a lot of her power to ‘drive me nuts.’ I’m not mad at her anymore over the past, so when she starts into that behavior now, I’m able to set really good boundaries.”

“How do you forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it?” Patricia asked.

“I can forgive her,” said Gina, “because it’s really my decision, not hers. I need to forgive her more than she wants to be forgiven. I just didn’t want to live with all that anger and bitterness inside anymore. The only way to let it go was to forgive.”

Some things cannot be mitigated. They cannot be fixed. They cannot be removed. They can only be forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a strategic, purposeful response to pain and injury — one that can be acted on even if you don’t feel like it. For some things, only the healing waters of forgiveness have the power to douse the flames of anger. Extending forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet, it brings you closer to the character of God.

SOURCE: Chapter 10: “Experiencing the Power of Forgiveness” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Prayer for Peace in the Face of Anger

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Father, you are always justified when you are angry. I ask forgiveness for the times I anger you. Help me to discern areas in my life where I am angry but shouldn’t be; help me to experience peace. Help me to discern areas in my life where I am not angry but should be; reveal my complacency. I ask you to help me use the anger you have designed within me to accomplish your will and purposes for my life. Prevent me from using anger in ways outside of your will.

SOURCE: Chapter1: “The Role of Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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