Posts Tagged ‘excess’

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How To Distinguish Between Necessity and Excessity

Monday, March 28th, 2011

On April 15, EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Gotta Have It! Freedom from Wanting Everything Right Here, Right Now. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from the Introduction….

In 1986, the self-proclaimed president of the Philippines, Ferdinand Marcos, was deposed in a coup because he was more dictator than president. Ferdinand and his wife Imelda were unceremoniously flown from the capital city of Manila aboard a U.S. government helicopter, barely ahead of a horde of angry citizens.

Amid the remarkable events of that day, people took notice of the black espadrilles Imelda Marcos worse as she boarded the helicopter. Why would anyone focus on footwear when an entire country was enmeshed in such momentous events? It turns out the concern wasn’t over a single pair of shoes, but rather on the fact that Imelda Marcos had over one thousand pairs of shoes.

When the dictator’s palace gates were breached and Imelda Marcos’ private closets thrown open to thew world, news of her shoes hit the media. There were rows upon rows of shoes, in an astonishing display of color and style. Why would anybody have so many? Some would say she had a shoe obsession. I think we can all agree that Imelda regularly, extravegently, excessively binged on shoes.

Any reasonable, rational person could conclude that having over a thousand pairs of shoes is unnecessary. However, Imelda Marcos was hardly reasonable or rational about her shoes. To Imelda, her shoes were a necessity. She justified her behavior by saying she was merely helping the Philippine shoe industry. She refused to accept any concept of excess where her shoes were concerned. One pair of shoes, possibly even a couple of pairs, is a necessity. A thousand pairs of shoes, I hope you’ll come to recognize, is an excessity.

LOOKING AT OUR OWN DESIRES, WANTS AND NEEDS

It’s quite easy to shake our heads and joke about Imelda Marcos’s shoes. And the world did that for a brief moment in time in the late eighties after going through the closets of her life. Even today, we can look at her behavior from a safe distance of time and place and comment on the woman who was out of control where her shoes were concerned.

When we start looking at our own behavior, however, that zone of safety shrinks. Yet the point of Gotta Have It! is to learn to distinguish between true needs and wants. We’ll talk about life’s excessities — a made-up word for a very real situation for many people, when excesses become necessities. This book is about the compulsion to overindulge in any number of everyday behaviors, including the bizarre, comical, and not so funny. Excessity is the impulse that throws caution to the wind and demands immediate satisfaction. It is the blindness that occurs when comfort becomes more important than consequences.

Excessity is about feeding our wants and desires, while at the same time starving our true needs. The more we starve what we really need, the greater our hunger grows, causing us to stuff ourselves with more and more of our wants. After stuffing ourselves full of our wants, we find that we’re still starving, empty, and desperate — and the mad cycle repeats.

Excessities show up in a variety of styles, just like Imelda’s shoes. But when we look at this behavior here, it won’t be from the safety of a front-page story or a past time or a faraway place; it will be close up, right now, in our own lives and the lives of those we love.

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How God Provides Hope: Kevin’s Story

Monday, September 27th, 2010

“A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strenght it cannot save.”~Ps. 33:17

Every time you reach for one of your excessities, you saddle up a horse of hope. You mount up and ride off toward deliverance. You think that horse of hope is going to help you outrun whatever it is that fuels your excessities, whether it’s loneliness, fear, guilt, anger, discomfort, or anxiety. You hop into the saddle and hope maybe this time it will work. The more often you saddle up, the stronger the excessity becomes in your life, but as the verse above says, despite all its strength it cannot save.

Excessities gain their strength, their hope, from you; you infuse the excessity with hope. Your hopes are only as strong as you are, and the more strength you point into your excessity, the weaker you become. Just as you can run a horse into the ground, your excessities can run your hope into the ground.

KEVIN’S STORY

Kevin was exhausted. It was a struggle just to get up and function every day. Sleep was elusive and often seemed more trouble than it was worth. He’d wake up in the morning — whatever the hour — apprehensive and anxious for the day ahead. The weight of work responsibilties and the financial realities of his current situation chained him to a sort of emotional and physical lethargy. Kevin felt like all eyes were watching him — his wife, his kids, even his employees seemed to be watching to see what he was going to do and how he was going to make things better. Yet the weight of trying to make things bearable had become unbearable to Kevin. Life was heavy and hope harder to find.

At first, his secretive forays down the interstate to the casino were sporadic, but Kevin soon found he only felt invigorated and alive during these times. Even when he lost money, he still felt the pull of an anticipated win. Afterward, though, on too many drives home, the guilt descended. It just didn’t seem right, somehow, that the only time he felt energized and relieved should be doing something he knew was wrong.

Slowly, Kevin began to equate that weight of guilt with the rest of the burdens he felt, the burdens he resented and had turned to gambling to forget. Kevin began to see his time at the casino as necessary, as a coping mechanism, and, frankly, as the true highlight of his week.

Kevin found himself heading off to gamble more often during the week, sometimes even during the workday. He kept hoping that it would get him through this rough patch in his life and that as soon as things calmed down he wouldn’t need to do it as much. He kept hoping…right up until the day it all crashed around him and he found himself in danger of financial ruin and losing his family.

THE POWER OF HOPE

To understand the true power of hope, I think it’s a good idea to contemplate what the world would look like without hope. It is a world without anticipation, without desire or expectation — a flat, monochrome world with only a single what-is view. First Chronicles 29:15 calls it a shadow world.

Over my time in counseling, I have seen too many people trapped in this shadow world without true hope. I have seen them desperately reach for something — harmful, dangerous, destructive, false — to try to provide some sort of hope in the shadow. Imagine my position — within their world without hope I have to tell them that the one thing they cling to for a modicum of hope really isn’t hope at all. I have to point out the painfully obvious: The hope they cling to — whatever it is — is false hope.

If this is all I did and all I could offer, I wouldn’t do it. It would be too bleak. I praise God, however, that my job isn’t just to point out false hope but to point toward true hope. This is hope that sings with a symphony of desire, expectation, trust, sweet anticipation, and even sweeter fulfillment. This is hope that sings with God’s voice. This is not a shadow world; it is quite literally heaven. And what I get to do is show people the way to find their own patch of heaven on earth, through an understanding and connection to true hope.

Now that’s a job I believe in. It’s why The Center I founded 25 years ago has become known as a place of hope. It is a place where people find the strength and courage to give up their false hopes to discover their true hope. Hope has come to color everything we do, from the name of our website to titles on my books to our theme verse of Jeremiah 29:11.

People come to us riding on the exhausted, failing horses of false hope and leave soaring on the wings of true hope.

Source: Chapter 12, “God Provides Hope” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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How God Provides Wisdom: Brad’s Story

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has. (Prov. 21:20)

Wise people are deliberate and thoughtful. They take circumstances into account. Wise people know when to stop. Foolish people have no “off switch.” Once activated, they just keep going as the verse above says, devouring all they have. They live lives overrun by excessity. No one wants to be considered foolish, but if we are honest that’s exactly how we could categorize our Gotta Have It! behaviors.

BRAD’S STORY

Brad was a successful businessman. You might even say a wise businessman, since his professional acumen was sought after and highly prized in his community. After creating several lucrative companies, Brad was on the A-list for social funcitons, speaking engagements, and civic events.

As his notoriety spread, Brad began to travel more away from home. This put added pressure on his time in town as he continued to keep a handle on his businesses. Certainly, he had people running various aspects of them, but, being a wise businessman, Brad also knew the importance of “hands on” in managing and maintaining what he had.

He knew no one else would take care of his businsses the way he could.

To the business and social world around him, Brad was a wise man. However, there was an aspect of Brad’s life that fialed to exhibit the same measure of wisdom. In this part of his life, Brad was markedly unwise.

Brad, in his headlong rush to achieve, maintain, and increase his commercial success, was a fool at home.

With all of his time and energies diverted into business, he was devouring the stores of natural affection and goodwiill of his family. He failed to discuss the inner qualities of his children because he was rarely home and seldom spent any meaningful time with them. He failed to recognize the value of his relationshiop with his wife because he so consistently took it for granted.

Brad told himself that all of his hard work was providing and securing a future for his family. He thought his wife would appreciate his sacrifice and understand the time away as a necessary “evil.” Brad didn’t undersatnd that what he was really securing was a future wihtout his children, as they painfully disengaged from his life and found substitutes — though sometimes very poor ones — for his presence. Brad didn’t understand when his wife began to think of his time away not as a necessary “evil” but as just plain evil, when she came to view his work as his mistress.

For all of his understanding of the need to be hands on at work, Brad failed to understand the need to be hands on at home. When it came to his family, Brad was a fool to jeopardize something so valuable for monetary and social success.

WISDOM 101

Wisdom is about feeding your inner part, your soul. Excessities are about satisfying the outer, surface parts. Wisdom is about making a choice to deny the outer in order to truly nourish the inner. When you are able to make this difficult choice and feed your soul instead of your excessity, you will prosper. This is a promise, a true promise — not the false, deceptive promises made by any one of your Gotta Have It! behaviors.

Source: Chapter 11, “How God Provides Wisdom” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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How God Provides Endurance: Steve’s Story

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ~2 Tim. 4:7

Excessities, are, by nature, a here-and-now phenomenon. They are tied to the needs, wants, desires, anxieties, pleasures, and concerns of this life. But there’s more to you and me than just the here and now; there is a hereafter waiting for us. Who wouldn’t want to be able to say the same thing as the apostle Paul — that we’d fought the good fight, finished the race, kept the faith? This is a statement of victorious completion. It is a statement of confidence and peace.

Saying the statement is one thing; living the statement is quite another. What is implied in this statement is there was a fight going on; there were the possibility of not finishing and the potential of losing something vital. The statement is rock solid; the experience it’s based on, upon reflection, appears somewhat precarious. The experience it’s based on is called life.

It takes endurance to be able to make Paul’s statement.

In the midst of struggle, patience is what you have and endure is what you do.

Endurance is an interesting word. It means to undergo even something unpleasant without giving in. It means to accept or tolerate even something irritating. It means to continue in the same state such as a monument enduring for centuries. It means to remain steady without yielding even under suffering.

When I think of endurance, I think of long-distance running. I think of a runner at the end of the race, breathing hard, sweaty and tired. If you’ve had to endure, you know you’ve been through something long and difficult. I think most people would agree that running, especially distance running, reuires endurance. What you might not realize, however, is that while running requires endurance, it also provides it.

I started running several years back, and I’ve kept up with it, even as situations in my life have changed. When I first started running, I was dismayed at how quickly my body would tire. I couldn’t gulp in air fast enough; even going a short distance was a test of endurance. But, as I kept up with it, I got better. I could go longer distances more easily. Running required my endurance, but it also increased my endurance.

I used endurance to gain even more.

Whether or not you’ve articulated it as such, you’re in a race. It’s going to take endurance to get over your excessities, to turn down the volume on your Gotta Have It! demands. At first it will seem like turning aside from that desire takes all the energy you’ve got in your body and that saying no will leave you breathless. This a battle of the wills — yours against the excessity. You will need endurance to undergo without giving in, to stay firm without yielding.

STEVE’S STORY

When Steve first came to counseling, he was losing the race and about to give up. His battle was a secret one, a contest of wills that threated to overwhelm his life and drown him in shame. Steve’s excessity, his Gotta Have It! activity, was internet pornography.

At first, he thought he could outrun his enemy. He was very careful about when he accessed the pornography and how much he allowed himself to indulge. He kept one step ahead by always blaming someone or something else for the push to porn. His wife provided an almost endless supply of reasons, real or imagined. The stresses at work and the foibles of life billowed the sails of his excuses and kept him out in front of his excessity, or so he thought.

What Steve failed to realize was the relentless nature of his Gotta Have It! It grew stronger and began to intrude into other areas of his life. Images and feelings once relegated to secret settings began to surface and interrupt and complicate his day. The pull of the pornography began to take him further and further away from his wife and his family.

After a close call at work, where using company computers to view pornography was grounds for immediate termination, Steve realized his excessity was controlling him. It appalled him that it was his fear of losing his job — not the betrayal of his marriage or the damage to his relationships, especially with his teenage daughters — that finally woke him up to how close he was to losing it all. He realized how out of balance his life had become, and he knew he needed to make a change.

He knew what he wanted the ending to be; he just didn’t realize how much he’d have to endure in the middle.

Steve had to endure his wife’s moment of discovery and the subsequent devastation and loss of trust. He had to endure the physical and psychologcal drive to return to the pornography. He had to endure the realization that he was not as in control of himself as he’d always taken pride in. He had to endure peeling back the layers of his false assumptions, unmet desires, and self excuses in order to refute the lies and deceptions of the excessity.

Simply put, Steve had to endure exposure. For a private and personal man, this was hard. At one point, he almost gave up, rebelling against any outside accountability to his behavior.

He almost gave up — but he didn’t. When he thought he couldn’t say no one more time or withstand the growing pressure to succumb to his excessity, he did. When he thought he couldn’t stomach one more intrusion into the privacy of his past and present life, he did. When he thought he couldn’t endure one more moment of vulnerability, he did. He endured and refused to yield. Steve found his second wind in the race against pornography.

Source: Chapter 9, “God Provides Endurance” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc

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What Patience Is, and What It’s Not

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

The world does not see patience as a position of strength but rather as a position of weakness, of wanting, of lack. Powerful people don’t have to wait; powerless people do. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of patience. Patience allows you to take back control over a capricious and unstable world and plant that control firmly within yourself.

Patience does not give you the power over circumstances; patience allows you to control yourself in the midst of circumstances.

Because of the misconceptions about patience I’ve run into over the years as I’ve helped people develop the capacity for patience in their lives, I’d like to go over some of the realities and truths of patience.

Patience is not apathy. Apathy is a lack of interest or concern. Being patient does not mean disengaging or disconnecting from your feelings or emotions. Being patient means accepting both how you feel about a given situation and what you can realistically do about it.

Patience is not surrender. A decision to exercise patience is not the equivalent of waving the white flag. When you surrender, you place yourself under the control of the situati0n and remove yourself from the equation. Patience is not surrendering your power to the circumstance; patience is redeploying that power back to you.

Patience is not static. Thre is a misconception that patience, or the act of waiting, is just sitting there, doing nothing. In this, patience is a little like sleep. When we’re sleeping, it can appear that we’re doing nothing — we’re just sleeping. Sleep, however, is a highly dynamic process where the body is actively engaged in repairing itself. The mind is filtering and collating and processing the events of the day. In the same way patience is an active time of remembering, reexamining, and recommitting to those things you know are true. Patience, like sleep, is the act of preparing for the new day to come.

Patience is not impossible. One of the biggest lies of your excessity is that you must give in to it right now. This lie says you do not have the capacity to be patient and to wait — and it would be foolish to even try.

Patience is optimistic expectation. The engine of patience is hope. Romans 5:3-4 is a wonderful passage that shows the connection between patience and hope: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Patience is based on the end, not the beginning. Ecclesiastes 7:8 says, “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.” You won’t know that the end of the matter is better than the beginning if you’re not patient enough to get there.

Patience is based on the long view. The view of patience is not a few steps in front of us. The view of patience is out over the horizon, around the bend, through the hills and valleys of life. Patience is not thwarted by the immediate; it is sustained by the eventual. When you are assured of the eventual, you can patiently endure the immediate.

Patience is a wise response to life. This life is offensive in so many ways. People can be mean, cruel, and hurtful. Circumstances can be sudden, unpredictable, and damaging. We may feel as if we live under siege from something or someone most of the time. But patience provides a calm counterbalance to the frenzy of such a threat level. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

Patience is a calm response to life. Patience is seen as a way to diffuse tension and calm an emotional storm. Proverbs 14:29 says, “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.” And as Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.” Excessities are often quick to strike within tense situations. They promise relief and reward in the midst of such emotional storms. Patience has a way of de-escalating the situation and reducing the pull of escape into an excessity.

Source: Chapter 8, “God Provides Patience” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc

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God Provides Patience: Lori’s Story

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone. ~Prov. 25:15

In today’s society, we have come to expect the instantaneous, the rapid, the quick, the get-it-done-now. We are simply impatient people. We used to have a higher capacity for patience, but it keeps getting whacked off — primarily as a result of advances in technology. Cell phones, email, texting, and twittering create their own expectation momentum. What used to be considered just waiting now must be endured with patience. Patience really means being put off. Nobody likes being put off.

Excessities are at war with patience.

The Gotta Have It! cry of an excessity is generally followed by the unspoken command of Now! The longer you are required to wait, the louder that command becomes until it’s so shrill that it’s all you hear. The internal clamor of the excessity creates its own urgency. What was a desire becomes a ncessity. And a necessity deferred becomes an emergency. Once you’ve declared your own emergency, you have provided built-in justification for whatever measures are required to satisfy your Gotta Have It! At this point, patience is a hindrance, a barrier between you and your excessity.

LORI’S STORY

Lori didn’t like barriers to what she wanted. She never had.

she saw what she wanted so clearly and perceived her need so acutely, Lori took barriers personally. Her family learned it was never a good idea to get between Lori and something she wanted. They tended to scatter whenever she was in one of her “moods.” Her work subordinates learned to keep their heads down, their mouths shut, and their hands busy doing whatever Lori wanted.

Capable and driven, Lori was able to accomplish a great deal in a small amount of time. It was something she was known for and something she took a great deal of pride in.

If you asked Lori, she’d say she had a great deal of patience.

She would relate numerous occasions where she’d patiently endured the incompetence, inattention, and lack of caring of people around her. She could be patient long enough for the microwave to heat up her food. She could be patient long enough for her computer to boot up. She could be patient long enough for her gas tank to fill. These were Lori’s ideas of patience, and she bore them with stoic, if resentful, patience.

Then the ground underneath Lori shifted. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer, and Lori learned she really wasn’t patient after all. Cancer taught her how to wait. She had to wait for test results to be done. She had to wait for doctors and medical personnel to do their work. She had to wait for her husband’s strength to return after each agonizing round of chemotherapy or radiation. She had to wait for hope to return after each setback.

When it became clear he would not revcover, Lori had a decision to make.

Before, Lori had always traded time for results. Now, the only result time would yield was the loss of her husband. Before, Lori couldn’t wait for life to move fast enough. Now, all she wanted to do was slow it down. Before whatever was happening right now in Lori’s life was overshadowed by what could or would happen in the future, with what needed to be done. Lori’s life before was a relentless race from the now to the next.

With the next thing being the impending death of her husband, Lori’s life came to an abrupt halt.

She cut back at work so she could spend more time with him. As a result, she spent more time with her children, who desperately needed her. It was impossible for her to stop the clock, to slow the progression of the disease, to keep her husband alive longer. So instead, Lori learned to wring every possible drop of value and joy out of each moment they were together. She stopped being resentful of time and began to live within it.

Lori had always lived impatiently for what she wanted. Now, she learned to live patiently for what she didn’t.

Source: Chapter 8, “God Provides Patience” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc

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The Difference Between Control and Self-Control

Saturday, September 11th, 2010

 THE POWER OF YES

Strangely, the way we often choose to demonstrate our sense of control is by our ability to say yes to something. We think that because we choose to engage in the activity, we show control over that activity. This often happens at the time children turn into teenagers and young adults. They think their “adulthood” is manifest in how many places and ways they get to say yes to things parents and other authority figures previously told them to say no to.

Growing up, Denise was constantly told no. No, she couldn’t have that toy. No, she couldn’t have that candy. No, she couldn’t have that dress. Her family wasn’t poor; her father just ruled the family like that was the case.

As far as Denise could tell, he didn’t keep the money to pay for personal extravagences. He was as austere with his own life as he demanded of everyone else. It wasn’t that he wanted more for himself, Denise came to believe, but that he didn’t want it for anyone. When she realized that’s the way he was, Denise began to take it personally. She decided the issue wasn’t really about the money — it was about control.

Her father controlled money as a way to control her and the rest of the family. Over time, her resentment grew.

Fortunately, Denise was able to get a scholarship to help with tuition in college, along with student loans, because her father woud never have paid for any of it. But she was smart and landed a good job after college. Having paychecks with her name on them made Denise feel liberated. This was her money; she earned it. Nobody else had a right to tell her what to do with it.

She reveled in the ability to hand her credit card over. It was her way of saying yes, and it felt marvelous.

Marvelous, that is, until Denise began to have difficulty  even meeting the minimum monthly payments on her collection of credit cards. A friend at work casually asked if she’d ever considered putting together a budget. Even the word sounded distasteful. That’s all Denise remembered growing up: how all of them were supposed to be living within “the budget.” Every end of the month, as she sweated and worried about being able to pay her bills, Denise promised that the very next month she’d start saying no to things and get her spending under control. That’s all she needed to do, just get her spending under control.

Of course, to get her spending under control she’d have to get herself under control.

THE POWER OF NO

So many people hit their young-adult years believing control is all about saying yes to those things they were previously denied. I think it takes us a bit longer to figure out that often the best way to exhibit our control is by choosing to say no to those same things. I guess you could call this the difference between control and self-control.

So often we think control is about finally making sure we get what we want. Self-control, however, is more about making sure we get what we need.

Self-control is not easy to come by, requiring the long view over instant gratification and initially appearing harsh, unpleasant, and virtually impossible to employ. It requires practice, patience, and perseverance. Self-control presupposes an intimate knowledge of self, knowing what is and is not good and appropriate for you.

It’s that person at the buffet who is able to cheerfully say, “No, thank you,” to that big piece of chocolate layer cake (when you’ve gone back for seconds). It’s the oddity of someone who is able to say no to 30 more minutes of sleep in order to get up to jog in the rain and the cold (when it’s all you can do to crawl out of bed 30 minutes late). It’s the anomaly of the person who is able to put down work and go home at the end of the day, saying no to the urge to stay another hour (when you consistently find yourself — once again — being the last one in the office to lock up). Self-control is that and so much more.

THE OTHER IN SELF-CONTROL

It is obvious that self-control is a virtue and a value. It can also, sadly, be in very short supply in life.

You know it is good. You want to be able to exercise control over self. None of us want to admit we aren’t able to control ourselves. So how do you develop a better grasp of saying no? The answer, of course, lies within each person — and outside of each person.

In the paradoxical way of Scripture, one way to control self lies completely outside of self. The work certainly is within you, but your help and your hope to gain and mature in this self-control, thankfully, are not totally up to you.

Titus 2:11-13 says:

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope — the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

Self-control, then, is a gift of God — not some divine zap but rather a process taught by God. Self-control is your control over self, but it’s a joint effort between you and God.

We, frankly, need help in this department. The Bible says:

“I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway…. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time” (Rom. 7:17-20)

Taken individually, many of the Gotta Have It! behaviors we’ve talked about aren’t bad or wrong. Our excessities go wrong when they get the better of us every time, when they are in control, not us. The only way to get back control is to develop and strengthen our self-control.

When dealing with our excessities, we need to ask, “Who’s in charge?”

Source: Chapter 7, “Our Need for Control” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc

 

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Is Worry Your Default Position?

Saturday, August 21st, 2010

For some people, worry itself can almost be classified as an excessity — as a Gotta Have It! behavior — because of how quickly they default to a worry position. For them, a state of worry is a state of familiarity. Perhaps for you, worry allows you to prepare for any possible eventuality — and because there’s no real need to prepare for something positive, the eventualities you prepare for always range from bad to worse.

Because you are so familiar with and so good at the worry game, your range is broad and all encompassing:

A negative comment from your boss today means you’re going to be fired tomorrow. A stomachache today means an ulcer tomorrow. A headache is a brain aneurysm. A gained pound is obesity. And on and on it goes.  When anything’s possible, there’s no limit to the possible calamity. In some ways, worry is like watching a movie — except it’s your own private disaster film. That internal viewing can be so compelling, you’re blinded to the reality. The what-ifs crowd out the what-is.  Worry is a real scene-stealer, and the scenes being stolen are bits of your life.

When worry is your default setting, you will often turn to excessities in order to provide just a little white noise to drown out worry’s drumbeat. Often, the excessity is food. I have known people who could eat to their feelings of worry the same as someone mindlessly munches popcorn at the movie theater or a bag of chips while watching television. Eating and worry go hand in hand, like drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette.

Worry, with its constant “on” switch, negatively impacts health. Every week it seems, we are inundated by another study showing the deleterious effects of worry and stress on our lives. Generally, these are followed up by advertisements touting the latest thing to magically ease our worries and make all that stress melt away. But if any of these things actually worked in the long term, our collective worry would be decreasing, not increasing, along with our need for the latest deworrier.

One of the reasons Jesus came to earth was to help explain to us the way things really are. Remember what Jesus said about worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink: or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the bids of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are y0u not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splender was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you? O you of little faith. So do not worry saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matt. 6:25-34

Every time I read this passage, I am struck by the types of things Jesus says not to wory about. He says not to worry about what you’ll eat, what you’ll drink, or what you’ll wear. These are definite needs; they are even identified as such. Yet Jesus says you’re not to worry about them. That would seem like a flippant, “just don’t'” kind of response to a very real concern if it weren’t for the reason Jesus gives. He says you’re not to worry about them because God already knows you need them. Worry, it appears, takes far too much time and energy away from more important things, like seeking God’s kingdom and His righteousness.

Worry is like an illustration I remember seeing of the levee system in New Orleans during Hurrican Katrina.

On the top of the water, the concrete walls of the levee looked so massive and strong. However, under the water the relentless wave action of the water was gradually eating away at the earthen berm upon which the concrete wall stood. Wave by wave, a little more of the earth was gouged out and exposed to the corrosive power of the water. Eventually, the foundation upon which the levee wall stood was completely undermined — and it failed, allowing the water to rush in and flood the area.

I think worry is like that. Wave by wave, gradually over time, worry eats away at the foundation of our lives, at our emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual foundations. Jesus says the answer to worry is to choose not to and instead put your efforts and time into concentrating on the things of God. This activity, by its very nature, will shore up and strengthen your foundations.

Source: Chapter 4, “Our Need for Reassurance” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 
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Are Your Excessities Fueled By Anxiety?

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

Many of the people I work with are burdened by fear, worry, and anxiety affecting their ability to live productive and happy lives. These same feelings propel them headlong into excessities. Often, they are focsed on the negativity associated with their excessities, such as obesity or alcoholism or addiction to pornography. They want help to “just stop” whatever those things are that has taken control over their lives, as if those things were merely actions. It is a deeper issue, however, to work through their fear at the heart of those actions. Often, the source has been blown completely out of proportion. They are consumed with the what-ifs and what-abouts instead of recognizing the what-is.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, almost 7 million adults will experiencea condition known as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) in any given year. GAD is a chronic condition where a person lives with anxiety, worry, and tension, even when there is little outside reason for it. This fear is accompanied by a variety of physical symptoms, such as fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle-aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating and hot flashes. It’s as if you’re all ready for the fight of your life but can’t really see who your enemy is. The true enemy is fear.

Generalized anxiety disorder falls under the category of anxiety disorders, which also includes panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, social phobia, and other phobias (such as agoraphobia).

As you read through explanations of each of these conditions, I’d like you to examine whether or not it is possible one or more of them are fueling some of your excessities. You don’t need to be officially diagnosed as having one of these disorders to be able to recognize whether or not somehting about it resonates with you. Carla wasn’t ever diagnosed as obsessive-compulsive, yet her extreme need to exercise contains some OCD components. Keep that in mind as you read these exclamations from the National Institute of Mental Health.

Panic Disorder — this debilitating condition is when a person is seized suddenly by intense feelings of terror, fear, and impending loss of control. It is accompanied by a racing heart, feeling sweaty, weak, faint, or dizzy, and is often interpreted by the person as a heart attack.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder — this is a condition where a person is plagued by incessant unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). The person often develops the repetitive behaviors as a way to guard against or mitigate the unwanted thoughts. The repetitive behaviors can include things like hand washing, counting, cleaning, or checking things. The person hopes  doing these rituals will prevent or guard against the obsessive thoughts. While doing the rituals provides temporary relief, not doing the rituals actually adds to the person’s anxiety.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder — this reaction is the result of a terrifying event or situation where the person experienced or expected to receive serious injury. The clarity o fthe danger is so real, so immediate, it continues to intrude into the person’s life — producing feelings of stress and panic — even when there is no longer any danger. It’s as if, once activated, their fight-or-flight response refuses to shut off, leaving them feeling numb and detached from life and those they love. They may also experience trouble sleeping.

Social Phobia — a person with a social phobia views social situations as battlefields, places of extreme danger. It affects fifteen million adult Americans in any given year. In social situations, they are terrified of being watched and judged by other people. sure they will in some way be humiliated or embarrassed. Eating around or speaking to other people is sheer torture.

Phobias — social phobias can lead to other phobias, such as agoraphobia. People with panic disorders can also develop agoraphobia, as they seek to avoid any situation or place that produced a panic attack in the past. Their list of “safe places” becomes smaller and smaller.

All of these conditions have at their base fear, worry, and anxiety. These can be hard taskmasters when acceded to and given control over your life. When those negative feelings take on larger-than-life proportions, they produce feelings of panic and dread even on a day when the sky is blue, the air is clean, and the sun is shining. The more feelings of panic they produce, the more apt you are to seek out behaviors that produce reassurance that all is well — or, at least, all is well for right now.

Excessities can become a close-your-eyes, plug-your-ears, sing-la-la-la-la-la activity to drown out the drumbeat of fear, worry, and anxiety.

Source: Chapter 4, “Our Need for Reassurance” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 
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The Excessity of Money

Monday, July 26th, 2010

Money is a huge “never enough” for many people — and not just for our current materialistic culture. It was also an issue back in King Soloman’s day; he notes the following in his book outlining his search for wisdom and meaning of life: “Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless” (Eccl. 5:10).

Clearly, it’s possible to be head over heels in love with money. Jesus put it pretty bluntly when He said, ‘No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money” (Matt. 6:24). The writer of Hebrews warns, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have” (Heb. 13:5a). When you fail to heed this warning, money has the potential to become a powerful “never enough” in your life.

But is it really the jingle of coins or the snap of a crisp dollar bill that’s so gratifying? Is it money itself or what money represents that’s so compelling? In my experience, money is just an avenue to power and and control. Power and control are heady commodities, as seductive and addictive in their own ways as the most potent of drugs. Money is the conduit through which power and control flow. It’s been that way since Solomon’s time.

Just a word of clarification: You don’t have to be wealthy to be a lover of money. Nowhere in Scripture does it say it is only the wealthy who love money. First Timothy 6:10 says, “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” It is the attitude — not the amount — that is important. As you consider whether or not money is an excessity in your life, the answer will more likely lie in your heart than in your bank ledger.

SOURCE: Chapter 2, “Examine Your Excess,” in Gotta Have It! by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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