Posts Tagged ‘emotional abuse’

How We Perpetuate Emotional Abuse

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

Bill and his wife, Margaret, brought to our counseling center their teenage son, Kevin, who was becoming increasingly rebellious and hard to control. He was throwing things around in his room, staying out late with friends whom Bill did not accept, and coming home drunk. After running out of options, and on the advice of their son’s school, they sought professional help to sort out their differences.

Bill was convinced that a therapist would tell Kevin to clean up his act, learn to behave responsibly as a near-adult, and stop engaging in his destructive, disobedient behavior of staying out late and partying. Bill believed that a professional would help Kevin jettison his childish behavior and learn to accept the realities of the adult world.

Bill thought the therapist would deal only with Kevin’s behavior. He’d pretty much had enough of trying to talk to his son. Their talks always seemed to end with them yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. Bill was determined to bring Kevin’s behavior under control, and Kevin was just as determined not to be ruled by his father anymore. Bill was looking to the therapist to provide weight and a second opinion to his attempts to reason with Kevin. Bill had prepared himself for being told about all the problems Kevin had. Although they would be difficult to face, these problems were a fact of their life. They had to be faced squarely and dealt with in an adult and responsible way.

Instead, Bill was challenged by Kevin’s therapist to take a hard look at the way he was treating his son and the messages he was transferring to him. Bill had to turn his view around from the adult he expected Kevin to be to the child Kevin actually was.
Bill discovered that Kevin really did want to please him but felt he never could hit the mark. Frustrated after years of trying unsuccessfully, Kevin not only had given up but in anger had rebelled against everything he knew his dad wanted him to be. Bill learned that the anger Kevin was feeling had been brought on by a deep sense of loss that he could never gain his father’s approval.

Kevin discovered that Bill really did love him – so much so that he wanted him to be perfect so that nothing bad would ever happen to him, and so that if it did, he would be tough enough to handle it. Kevin learned that Bill was raising him just the way Bill himself had been raised.

Bill realized how powerful his words and messages were in Kevin’s life and how much Kevin needed positive, affirmative messages from his dad in order to grow and function. Bill learned it was okay to show Kevin his love, his fears, his hopes, his emotions.

Kevin learned to begin to trust his dad.

As with other types of abuse, emotional abuse can be self-perpetuating. You accept the abuse, deny its impact, and ignore your inner self so much that, if you are not alert and careful, you end up continuing the cycle within your own relationships. Either you again take up the role of the abused in your new relationship or you switch roles and become the abuser.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 2 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

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Emotional Abuse: The Goal of Control

Friday, January 27th, 2012

Not all relationships are perfect, and people say or do things in anger that they regret later. But if those things are a pattern, and if they are used to degrade and control, no matter how subtle they may seem or how much the other person tells you they are really for “your own good,” in truth they are abuse . You may be asking yourself, “Where does constructive criticism end and abuse take over?”

Emotional abuse by itself or used in conjunction with physical or sexual abuse is easily recognizable if you know what to look for. Many types of emotional abuse will take the form of a message – the spoken and unspoken messages of your self-identity and self-esteem. These messages, either positive or negative, have become incorporated into how you feel about yourself.

Whether you were emotionally abused as a child or an adult, the messages were meant to belittle, devalue, shame, and ultimately control. Additionally, if those messages were given by the very people you looked to for love and guidance, the very one whose opinions you trusted, they have been given the appearance of validity and have added weight.

Emotional abusers have very select ways they use to control those they are abusing. The messages may differ slightly, but the ultimate goal of emotional abuse is control. By controlling those around them, abusers are attempting to control their circumstances and situations. By belittling those around them, abusers are attempting to make themselves feel better
The tragedy is that while sometimes these abusers are aware of what they are doing, often they are not. A habit of abuse has become a life pattern that is so comfortable, so normal for them, that they have stopped questioning the reasons behind their words and actions. As is so often the case in abuse, many abusers have a history of abuse in their own past and are acting out behavior that seems normal to them.

Whether it is a long-term abusive relationship or a onetime traumatic event of rejection that created a later resentment and unresolved anger, it is still damaging. It is vital that you identify it and learn how to deal with its consequences.

Acknowledging and becoming aware of abusive patterns in your life will lead to healing and the recovery process.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 1 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

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Paying Attention to the Emotional Abuse of Neglect

Monday, March 14th, 2011

Tomorrow EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 6, “Emotional Abuse Through Neglect”….

None of us likes to be ignored, treated as if we simply aren’t important enough to notice. The person who has suffered this type of emotional abuse is saddled with the realization that his or her presence doesn’t even cause a ripple in the world of the abuser. What is so damaging is that usually the abuser is someone from whom the person desperately wants to receive love and attention.

Children know and understand that the things with which adults concern themselves are important. When parents are involved in the life of their child, they communicate to the child that he or she is important. When parents fail to become involved, they communicate to the child a sense of rejection.

The tragedy of emotional abuse through neglect is that it can take place in homes where physical needs are met, even extravagantly met. Children need more than food on the table and a roof over their heads. They are designed to need nurturing physical and emotional emotional relationships with their parents. When emotional needs are not met, children have difficulty progressing developmentally. It is as if they become “stuck” at a certain stage and progression is retarded. Emotionally neglected children are so hungry for emotional attachment that they may cling to strangers or other adults, displaying little natural caution around people they don’t know.

In my work with eating disorders, I found a tie between disordered eating and childhood emotional neglect. Food or control of food becomes a substitute relationship for the one missing; it becomes friend, comforter, lover. This is often tied to unusual comforting behaviors, such as head banging, biting, scratching, or cutting. So fundamental is an emotional bond for connection, comfort, and stability that neglected children turn to inappropriate, damaging behaviors as a way to substitute and cope.

Neglect may be found in the:

  • MIA parent who emotionally and physically abandons his or her responsibility as a parent
  • Distant caregiver who is physically present but emotionally distant and withdrawn from his or her children
  • Emotionally detached parent who provides for his or her children in every way except for emotional bonding and attachment

If neglect or abandonment has depleted your emotional life, it is possible to restore emotional strength. You do so by believing and internalizing the following truths:

I have value because God has given it to me.

Through the mistreatment of others, I have developed a faulty sense of self. I accept this truth and am learning more about who I really am and who I am meant to be every day.

My self-respect and innate dignity are a gift from God that can never be taken away.

I am learning to treat myself with dignity and respect, even if others have not done so in the past.

I am no longer a victim. Today I celebrate being a victor!

SOURCE: Chapter 6, “Emotional Abuse Through Neglect,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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Is There an Emotional Abuser in YOUR Life?

Friday, February 18th, 2011

On March 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words”….

Conventional wisdom may teach that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” but we know better. We know that words have the power to hurt or help, wound or heal. God, who spoke the first word, reveals this clearly through Scripture, where words are compared to everything from sharp swords to smooth oil, from being harsh to being sweet as honey.

As we think about the power words have had in our own lives, let’s first take a look at God’s truth about the power of words.

Psalm 55:21 speaks of how people can say one thing with their mouths but mean something completely different in their hearts: “His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords” (NASB). This is so true when pronouncements of comfort and love are in word only and are followed by deeds that testify to anything but.

In Psalm 57:4 King David articulates the plight of those who are trapped under the influence of verbal abuse when he says, “I am in the midst of lions; I live among ravenous beasts – men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.” This is especially haunting to me, as I have heard these thoughts and fears expressed by verbally abused children. These children and adult children truly feel devoured in spirit by the verbal abuse suffered – sadly, too often by those given to them by God with the charge to love and protect them.

Psalm 64:2-3 reveals the power of words and the true nature behind the motivation to harm with words: “Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the noisy crowd of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows.”

In the hands of the wicked, words become the weapons they use to launch harm against another.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Verbal emotional abuse is the harsh use of the words that produces anger. It is this built-up , unresolved anger that festers inside a person, damaging self-esteem and poising relationships.

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” When honest affection and love are expressed through words, they bathe the soul in comfort. This comfort is desperately needed in this world and in all our relationships – and it is what emotional abuse utterly destroys.

While each person is different, there are several distinct methods the emotional abuser can use to dispense his or her abuse. It may be a single form or a combination of forms; however, most are recognizable:

  • The overbearing opinion – whose intensity of opinion overshadows everyone else
  • The person who is always right – who turns the words “I told you so” into a verbal indictment
  • The judge and the jury – who reserves the right to pronounce judgment on all actions on any given day in any given mood
  • The put-down artist - who uses words to crush the spirits of others
  • The stand-up comic – who laughs at you, not with you, and encourages others to do the same
  • The great guilt-giver - who burdens others with false guilt for all of his or her own problems
  • The preacher - who has a long-winded sermon, full of fire and brimstone, for ever occasion
  • The historian - who has a photographic memory for the lapses of others but a blind eye to his or her own shortcomings
  • The silent treatment abuser – who transmits volumes of negative thoughts without saying a word

The words and phrases we use are very important, as is the way they are delivered. Yet often we are the most careless with this vital form of communication. Now take some time to consider the type of communication you have with other people in your life:

1. As you think over your life, how have words been used as weapons against you?

2. Have you experienced a time when the words of another were “softer than oil” but ended up wounding you deeply, as with a sword?

3. In reading over the different types of verbal abusers, did one or more stand out to you? If so, why?

4. Were you able to identify yourself in any of these examples?

5. Do you have patterns of speech you’d like to change?

6. Identify the main types of verbal abusers you have dealt with.

7. What effect did their words have on you?

8. How do you feel about them today?

9. What lies have you believed because of their abuse? Be specific.

It’s time to begin to reclaim the truth and put the lies to rest. As you think about the lies you have believed, think about the truth. What is the truth about you?

Most of the time, words roll off our tongues without our thinking much about them. It’s time to consider our words carefully – what we say and how we say it. Perhaps the Golden Rule has no greater application than in the realm of communication. Internalize this statement: “I will strive to speak to other people the way I wish to be spoken to – with kindness, respect, and consideration.”

SOURCE: Chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse [TESTIMONIAL]

Saturday, August 7th, 2010

I recently received a touching testimonial from a woman who found help from Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse, a book I wrote several years ago, and revised last year. In her testimonial, she expressed a desire to help others who have suffered similar pain.

With her permission, I am sharing her story, in her words, below:

I filed for separation from my husband. There was verbal abuse, lack of empathy, stonewalling, and plenty of other warning signs. I was able to see abusive patterns that I had grew up with from my step-dad. He raised me from the age of 5 years. When I was 11 his job had him gone all week, I was left at home alone with my invalid grandfather who was in his 80’s. I was beginning to see the emotional damage that those actions might have caused me.

The step-dad was very verbally abusive. Calling me stupid, yelling at me, ignoring me, and put-downs.

I married at age 17. Now I can see that I did that to get away from the abuse. The first marriage lasted 14 years. Looking back now I cannot remember much detail of the bad. I do know it is there because when I remarried I had to go through this huge custody trial. In that trial, the ex-husband was vicious. It was a yearlong litigation. Any time I had to talk to him in that first year I would get triggered, my body would get heated and I would freeze. Which tells me that I had a history with this man that was negative. Within that yearlong trial, I healed and did not get intimidated by his threats and games any longer. I started to see him as an irritation and insecure to act that way.

Therefore, after I was having a hard time in this second marriage, I started to think that I was repeating my past. However, this time I chose somebody whom was worse to the extreme. It was a big burden to feel the guilt that I did not see a pattern. The treatment from the second husband was so much worse.

After four years of couples counseling, one separation, and a lot of pain, one day at counseling I mentioned to the therapist that I tried an idea. My husband works from home and some of the ideas why he was getting upset with me could have been that I was trying to interact when he was focused. I knew that this seemed off. One day I went a whole day without talking to him. The next day I did try to interact. He blew up. At counseling I mentioned this; that it was any time I would try to talk to him. I asked her what this problem was. She leaned over and gently told him that she has seen Asperger traits in him!

Whew, I did go through the emotions of healing. Finally it had a name. I was then able to take a load off my shoulders and let go of the guilt for thinking I was living in a generational cycle. It was a hard thing to go through which for a while made me angry at what I endured, then I thought of how it brought me through the deepest deep and made me look at my past.

I have been separated from my husband for 9 months now. He has since been officially diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I have done a great deal of healing. I am attending school working towards becoming a Registered Dietician. That is another thing to be thankful for – that the abuse and stress that goes with it pushed me to learn how to take care of myself with nutrition, diet, and exercise. I got into reading self-help books from Gottman, Dr. Weil, Dr. Mark Hyman and Dr. Amen. I found my passion for health. I knew that I was at risk if I drank to hide from my problems. I have several siblings who have heart problems, diabetes, and addictions from not coping with their problems. I made it through!

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How to Identify Family Patterns of Emotional Abuse

Monday, April 5th, 2010

Some of the most destructive family patterns and perceptions come from abusive situations.

The devastation of physical and/or sexual abuse is overt and terrible. Less visible, but still harmful, is the emotional abuse that can result from imperfect family relationships. So much emotional abuse is caused by the negative, destructive messages communicated to children while growing up.

THINK ABOUT IT

Family members can perpetuate emotional abuse without recognizing the amount of harm being done. The intentions of adults in a family may not be to pass along negative responses to their children, yet through their own inability to control these responses, they set up a negative pattern for their children to follow. As children follow these patterns, the negative perceptions that accompany them become grounded in their lives.

Without ever being told, children develop a working model for life based upon the suspicion, insecurity, perfectionism, self-centeredness, frustration, or oppressive behavior of their parents. This model produces feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, all of which suffocate optimism, hope, and joy.

You may have a background where abuse of this type, or worse, was evident in your family. It will not be difficult for you to pinpoint how these negative experiences have affected your ability to balance yourself emotionally. Or you may look back at your childhood and conclude your family can’t be a source of your depression, because you didn’t have an abusive experience.

Whatever your preconceived ideas may already be, take the time to truly examine the patterns you learned from your family.

As much as parents and adults try to minimize the damage done to their children through their own mistakes and faulty behaviors, it is not possible to completely eliminate negative influences. A careless comment or unkind remark can be enough to plant a seed in a child’s mind that grows into a poor perception.

This is not a search through your past to assign blame, but rather a mature look at the learned responses from your family to discover those that might be contributing to the strength and longevity of your depression. It is so important for you to be able to identify the burdens from past relationships that may be slowing down your rate of recovery. Once you discover these hindrances, you will be equipped to develop an effective plan for moving forward.

WRITE IT DOWN

Use the following statements as a starting point for writing down your recollections:

  • Good things my family taught me about life
  • Negative things my family taught me about life
  • Good things my family taught me about myself
  • Negative things my family taught me about myself

It is important for you to remember the good and positive responses to life you learned growing up. Most likely, your experiences with your family will be a mixed bag of good and bad, positive and negative, uplifting and deflating. While you want to be cognizant of the negative, don’t forget to highlight positive things you learned. For each negative life response, write a new positive one. These will help you celebrate the good patterns your family has brought to you.

You might want to write down the members of your immediate family — parents, siblings, and grandparents. (If you have nontraditional family experiences, use those individuals you consider to be significant mentors.) Think about how you related to each of these family members and what you learned about yourself from them. How did they treat you? What were some ways they hurt you? What were some ways they made you feel valuable and special?

Remember that negative responses may come easier than the positive ones. Be patient and allow the positive ones to rise to the surface of your memory.

Write at least three examples of both negative and positive statements that you remember your family member saying to you. Feel free to write down more as they come to you.

MOVE FORWARD

As you recover from depression, you may find that your circle of support will not come from members of your family. It may be necessary for you to use other relationships to provide the support you need. Your family may be too close to objectively  view your recovery. Members of your family may not be prepared to accept the truth you’ve uncovered through this process. Don’t allow their lack of acceptance to deter you in seeking the truth.

The goal is not to protect the family; the goal is to recapture a life filled with optimism, hope, and joy. If you need to discard flawed family patterns and perceptions, it is your perogative as an adult to do so.

Are you depressed? Though no replacement for a formal diagnosis,  this survey can help you recognize the signs.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Family Dynamics,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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