Posts Tagged ‘angry’

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19 Signs You are Venting Anger

Monday, November 16th, 2009

On Friday I talked about 14 ways your hidden anger may be manifesting itself. So what can be said of anger that is vented and released?

Vented anger, because of its “out there” nature, can be much easier to identify. However, many people still attempt to diffuse it by calling it other names, as you saw briefly in the earlier chapter. I’d like you to take a look at the following list of words and mark any you identify as part of your anger repertoire. Again, be honest and bold. If you have a loved one or close friend, consider asking him or her to look over the list and discuss it with you. Other people are a good barometer of what you aren’t able to recognize in yourself.

Do you often feel …

1)      Disappointed

2)      Bitter

3)      Resentful

4)      Critical

5)      Controlling

6)      Hostile

7)      Mean

8)      Sarcastic

9)      Frustrated

10)  Insecure

11)  Victimized

12)  Destructive

13)  Anxious

14)  Irritable

15)  Impatient

16)  Blaming

17)  Manipulative

18)  Selfish

19)  Prideful

All of these can be ways of expressing anger. Look over your list and answer the following questions:

  • What do you tell yourself when you feel this way?
  • Does your thought life escalate or deescalate your feelings?
  • How do you feel after you express these feelings?
  • How do you feel about yourself?
  • How do you feel about anyone else involved?
  • How do you feel physically?
  • How long does it take you to get over the feelings?
  • Do you “replay” the event and the feelings inside your head?
  • Are you ashamed of how you reacted?
  • Are you remorseful over how you reacted?
  • If you could get rid of one of these reactions, which one would it be and why?

Be aware of your anger levels over the next several weeks. Again, write down, if you’re able, what you feel and any reasons you determine for feeling that way. Note any out-of-line or extreme reactions or feelings. Be sure to write these down for more examination, thought, and prayer.

SOURCE: Chapter2: “The Root of Destructive Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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14 Ways Your Hidden Anger May Be Manifesting Itself

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Even if you hide your anger, you are still spending time and energy on it. Following are some ways I’ve observed hidden anger manifested:

  1. Procrastination in the completion of tasks, especially ones you don’t like or want to do
  2. Habitual lateness
  3. Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy
  4. Overpoliteness, constant cheerfulness (fake), attitude of “grin and bear it” but internally resenting it
  5. Frequent sighing
  6. Smiling while hurting
  7. Overcontrolled monotone speaking voice
  8. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams
  9. Difficulty in getting to sleep or staying asleep, with thoughts going around in your head keeping you awake
  10. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about (depression from internalized anger)
  11. Slowing down of movements, especially when doing things you don’t want to do
  12. Getting tired more easily than usual
  13. Excessive irritability over trifles
  14. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching, and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally

In other words, burying anger does not diffuse it; rather, it tunnels it underground, where it undermines your sense of self and manifests in damaging ways. Sometimes, the need to deny the strength of, or even existence of, anger is so powerful that you create the capacity to deny the anger even exists. But the force of anger will find other, secondary outlets.

SOURCE: Chapter2: “The Root of Destructive Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Prayer for Peace in the Face of Anger

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Father, you are always justified when you are angry. I ask forgiveness for the times I anger you. Help me to discern areas in my life where I am angry but shouldn’t be; help me to experience peace. Help me to discern areas in my life where I am not angry but should be; reveal my complacency. I ask you to help me use the anger you have designed within me to accomplish your will and purposes for my life. Prevent me from using anger in ways outside of your will.

SOURCE: Chapter1: “The Role of Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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When is Anger Appropriate? My Responses to Seven Scenarios (Part III of III)

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

This week I’ve been responding to seven scenarios from my book Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger. These are situations in which I have both seen and experienced anger. Below are my responses to the last two of the seven scenarios, including my immediate reaction AND my reactions after deeper reflection.

Would you react the same way?

SCENARIO #6

You’re driving down the freeway on your way to work when a car three lanes to your left suddenly diagonals right in front of your car, scooting over to catch a rapidly approaching exit.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

My Immediate Response

I would certainly be irritated if a car suddenly zoomed right in front of me in order to make an exit off the freeway, but I wouldn’t be angry, just startled.

My Reaction After Deeper Reflection

I said I wasn’t angry but irritated and startled. Once I got over being startled, the irritation really began to sink in. What a jerk! That car could have clipped mine and caused an accident! What if I hadn’t been paying attention? The more I think about it, the more irritated I become. Of course, irritation is just another word for being angry. I know it’s futile to be angry at a stranger I’ll never see again, over something that didn’t last more than five seconds total, with no real harm done. I know that intellectually, but it’s hard not to be mad in the moment and allow that moment to linger far longer than it should.

SCENARIO #7

You’re asked to help out at a function at church. You agree to stay late and help clean up. The event is supposed to be over by 9:00 p.m., but it gets started late and doesn’t get over until almost 9:40 p.m. You were told there would be at least six people to help with the cleanup, but you find when everyone clears out it’s only you and two other people, neither of whom is the person who asked you to help. Instead of taking twenty minutes to clean up, it takes the three of you almost an hour. You’re now getting home at almost 11:00 at night and have to get up early the next morning.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

My Immediate Response

This situation probably occurs at churches at least once a month, if not more. It’s certainly aggravating if you’re on the receiving end of more work than anticipated and less help. I’d want to be angry but hopefully would talk myself out of it. Oh, and I’d sure think twice about saying yes the next time.

My Reaction After Deeper Reflection

These things just happen. Sure, they’re aggravating, but churches are essentially volunteer organizations and that’s just the way it goes. The person who asked me probably did think they had six people to help out but three of them decided at the last minute not to show or not to stay and help. What’s the point in being angry about it? I’ll just make sure that the next time that person asks me to help, I say no.

How would you react?

For each of the scenarios above, what is your 1) immediate reaction and 2) reaction after deeper reflection. If you’d like to share, please post your thoughts in the comments section. You may do the same for the other five scenarios here and here.

SOURCE: Chapter1: “The Role of Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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When is Anger Appropriate? My Responses to Seven Scenarios (Part I of III)

Monday, November 9th, 2009

Last week I presented to you seven scenarios from my book Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger. These are situations in which I have both seen and experienced anger. Below are my responses to the first three of these seven scenarios, including my immediate reaction AND my reactions after deeper reflection.

Would you react the same way?

SCENARIO #1

The clerk at the store has to punch in your credit card number because the machine is broken. It’s the third time he’s put your number in and it’s still not right. You’re late for an appointment, and a quick stop is going on fifteen minutes and counting.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

My Immediate Response

This scenario is frustrating, but there’s no reason to be angry at the clerk. It’s not the clerk’s fault the machine is broken and he’s having trouble with the card.

My Reaction After Deeper Reflection

I said I wouldn’t be angry but I would be frustrated. How truthful am I being to myself? Can’t frustration be another word for anger? Perhaps I used the word frustration because I knew it wouldn’t look good to say I was actually angry at some poor clerk who was having a bad day. Maybe, though, I actually was angry – angry at being late and trying to do too much in too little time, angry at myself and tempted to take it out on the clerk.

SCENARIO #2

You hear over the radio about a small child who was killed due to abuse by a parent.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

My Immediate Response

As I write this, I hear this story on the news right now. Unfortunately, the names change but the story is horribly familiar. Yes, I’m angry. The fate of this toddler has haunted me all day.

My Reaction After Deeper Reflection

This one is straightforward; everyone should feel anger and outrage in situations like this. While it’s easy to know what to be angry at, it isn’t always easy to know who to be angry with. What if the parent is mentally ill and unable to truly comprehend the ramification of the abuse? What if the parent later has a change of heart and expresses remorse? I would absolutely be angry; I would also absolutely want to know why.

SCENARIO #3

You’ve just sat down to read the paper after a long day at work, and your spouse, who’s been sitting watching television for about half an hour, asks you to get up and bring back a glass of water.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

My Immediate Reaction

It’s certainly annoying when a family member is so engrossed in what he or she is doing that they fail to take you into account, but being angry about this? No. Depending on my mood, I’d either get up and get the water or explain I just sat down and would prefer LaFon get her own water.

My Reaction After Deeper Reflection

I said I wouldn’t be angry, just annoyed. Again, how honest is that? Isn’t annoyed another word for angry? Maybe I thought I should answer honestly, so I said annoyed, but I really didn’t want to say I’d be angry at the sheer cluelessness of a spouse who was so self-absorbed he or she didn’t know I’d just sat down! I understand I’m supposed to be a servant to others, but does it really extend to situations like this? What about their unreasonable demands? Isn’t it appropriate to rebel against unreasonable demands? Of course, it wasn’t really a demand; it was more of a request, and I wasn’t obligated to say yes. I could say no. Maybe I’m angry at being put in this situation, where I feel compelled to say yes but really feel like saying no. And feel guilty about it.

How would you react?

For each of the scenarios above, what is your 1) immediate reaction and 2) reaction after deeper reflection. If you’d like to share, please post your thoughts in the comments section.

Look for Part II of III in tomorrow’s post.

SOURCE: Chapter1: “The Role of Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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When is Anger Appropriate? Seven Scenarios for Your Consideration

Friday, November 6th, 2009

God is always righteous in his anger; he doesn’t need to evaluate it. Because you are not always righteous in your anger, when you become angry, you need to evaluate your reasons, motivations, and actions.

Below are some situations in which I have both seen and experienced anger. I’d like you to take a look at them and place them up to God’s template to evaluate whether the anger is justified:

1) The clerk at the store has to punch in your credit card number because the machine is broken. It’s the third time he’s put your number in and it’s still not right. You’re late for an appointment, and a quick stop is going on fifteen minutes and counting.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

2) You hear over the radio about a small child who was killed due to abuse by a parent.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

3) You’ve just sat down to read the paper after a long day at work, and your spouse, who’s been sitting watching television for about half an hour, asks you to get up and bring back a glass of water.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

4) A co-worker knows you’re a Christian and makes a point of using obscene language in your presence, repeatedly using the names of God and Christ as swear words.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

5) Your teenager tells you he’s going over to a friend’s house to do homework for the evening. When he fails to answer his cell phone, you call over to the friend’s house to find out what time he’s coming home. You find out your son has not been there all evening.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

6) You’re driving down the freeway on your way to work when a car three lanes to your left suddenly diagonals right in front of your car, scooting over to catch a rapidly approaching exit.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

7) You’re asked to help out at a function at church. You agree to stay late and help clean up. The event is supposed to be over by 9:00 p.m., but it gets started late and doesn’t get over until almost 9:40 p.m. You were told there would be at least six people to help with the cleanup, but you find when everyone clears out it’s only you and two other people, neither of whom is the person who asked you to help. Instead of taking twenty minutes to clean up, it takes the three of you almost an hour. You’re now getting home at almost 11:00 at night and have to get up early the next morning.

Is it appropriate for you to be angry?

If you’d like to share, please post your thoughts in the comments section, and look for my responses in the next blog post.

SOURCE: Chapter1: “The Role of Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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God’s List: His Judgment on Anger

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

If you asked me today what are ten things I’m angry about, I could rattle them off rapid fire. I know what makes me mad. This list, however, is not necessarily what should make me mad. My list would probably tell you more about me and my personality than what truly exists in the world as a source of anger.

The ultimate Anger List does not belong to me; it belongs to God.

God determines what is acceptable to be angry about. No matter how right, how justified, how clear cut you may feel your anger is, God is the ultimate judge of its appropriateness. No matter how intensely you feel your anger, the depth and intensity of your emotions do not trump Gods judgment on the matter.

So, what is God’s judgment on anger? What does God deem appropriate to be angry about? Certainly the place to start is Scripture, to see what God himself is angry about. God is angry when:

  • People oppose God’s plans for their lives
  • People use their power to set themselves against God
  • People willfully disobey God’s commands
  • People reject God
  • People fail to trust God
  • People practice idolatry
  • People oppress others
  • People turn away from God
  • People fail to live up to their word

Now, these are some of the things on God’s list, but what do they tell you about your own list? Is there a way to look at what God becomes angry about and determine acceptable areas of legitimate anger for yourself?

SOURCE: Chapter1: “The Role of Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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