Posts Tagged ‘Anger’

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The Excessity of Guilt

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

In my 25 years of counseling others, I’ve seen guilt pulled out and put on just about as often as anger. It can be much quieter, though, especially when a person wears the guilt instead of placing it onto someone else. Guilt, when thrown over others, has the potential to be noisily, loudly, angrily rejected and shaken off. Guilt, when worn by the person, however, is generally quiet, like a shroud.

Whereas anger is retaliatory, guilt is preemptive.

Guilt says, You don’t need to hurt me; I’ll do it myself. By administering a self-inflicted blow, guilt seeks to control the level — if not the presence — of pain.

Guilt is a way to make yourself responsible for and thus in control of the pain in your life. The guiltier you feel, the more pain you experience. The more pain you experience the more apt you are to attempt to control it through guilt. This is what leads to guilt becoming an excessity for some.

SOURCE: Chapter 2, “Examine Your Excess,” in Gotta Have It! by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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The Excessity of Anger

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Some of you are probably scrunching up your eyebrows at this category. After all, who would want to gather up and surround themselves with an excessity of anger? Yet for some people each expression of anger is as precious to them — to their sense of self and identification in the world — as Imelda Marcos’ espadrilles were to her. Just as Imelda felt more herself and more complete with every pair of shoes, there are some people who intentionally “put on” anger every day as a personal statement and protective covering.

You probably know someone like this.

It’s the person who is able to find fault in just about every person she meets and every situation she encounters. Nothing is left alone to be just what it is. It is always critiqued, criticized, evaluated, and ultimately found lacking. She reacts the same way to people.

Coworkers are incompetent; her kids are a mess; her husbund (or ex-husband) a fool. She considers herself akin to the only sighted person in the land of the blind, constantly amazed at the ineptitude around her. Therefore, she feels duty-bound to continually, incessantly point it out. It is impossible for her to leave well enough alone because, to her, it’s never well enough; the only “well enough” is her “never enough” — her anger, irritation, and annoyance. For her living out her wellspring of anger every day is a necessity for her sense of self and a defensive stance against a hostile world. Yes, her anger is an excessity.

This isn’t an issue just for women; men also can exhibit inappropriate levels of anger.

It’’s the man who doesn’t speak to others as much as he barks at them. Questions and comments are really thinly veiled commands. He always has an opinion, is never afraid to voice it, and rarely has one that is positive. This is the man who attacks his life from the position of adversary. He is convinced that people are out to get him and that only eternal vigilance on his part — sometimes epxressed in a raised and animated voice — keeps him and his family safe.

His family has learned not to question him and the dog wisely stays out of his way.

Like money, anger is a conduit for power and control. Anger is effective. Angry people usually get what they want through the feelings their anger generates in others. More people are afraid of angry people and will attempt to accommodate them or placate them. Usually this means giving up something to the person who is angry, even if what is given up is the other person’s self-control.

Yes, anger is effective and powerful. Because of this, anger has the potential to crowd out other responses in your emotional toolbox until it’s the first thing you reach for, every time.

SOURCE: Chapter 2, “Examine Your Excess,” in Gotta Have It! by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Turning Negatives Into Postives: Mark’s Story

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Mark’s marriage ended badly. He fought it, kicking and screaming, until his wife made it quite clear she no longer wanted anything to do with him. She was done with him and the marriage. It didn’t matter how much he still loved her; she no longer loved him. She couldn’t even stand to be anywhere near him. There was someone else, and she wanted that relationship more than she wanted him. She was finished, and for a time, Mark thought he was, too.

Nothing made sense anymore. Mark couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong or why someone who had once loved him could come to hate him so much.

Had she ever really loved him at all?

How could he have been so blind?

For a long time after the divorce, Mark didn’t want to see anyone. His friends had been their friends, and some were now only her friends. With a morbid fascination, he tried to keep up with what she was doing. That ended when he found out she’d married again. She was moving on with her life, and Mark couldn’t seem to get on with his. What right did she have to be happy when she’d made him absolutely miserable? It wasn’t fair.

A good friend finally took Mark aside and told him it was time to let his ex-wife go.

While they were married, he had held on to her out of love. Since the divorce, he had held on to her out of anger. He needed to let her go — to let the anger go. It was like a breath of fresh air sweeping over Mark’s heart when he found the strength to forgive her and move on.  He decided he was not going to concentrate on those last ten months but on the five years before that when he’d been happy. He realized he was grateful to her for helping him develop an understanding of love. Ultimately, she threw it away, but Mark found he was ready to reclaim it.

With this renewed confidence in his ability to give and receive love, Mark was ready to put the past behind him and embrace the future.

FILL YOURSELF UP WITH GOOD THINGS

The pain of this world can produce so much that is negative, but God is able to take those negatives and turn them into positives. Ask God to help you clean out the old, negative spaces, so you’ll have room for the renewing attributes of a healed, redeemed life:

  • Let joy take the place of anger
  • Let confidence take the place of fear
  • Let peace take the place of guilt
  • Let mercy take the place of blame
  • Let pride take the place of shame

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” ~Galatians 5:22

SOURCE: Chapter 4: “Gratitude,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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4 Steps to Healthy Anger Management

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

If someone steals your wallet, you feel anger. If you come home after a much-deserved vacation and discover your house has been ransacked and burglarized, you feel violated and angry. If someone says something insulting to a member of your family, your anger may be so intense that you want to punch that person in the mouth. These are all understandable emotional responses.

You would hardly be a responsible human if you allowed these events to pass as if nothing had happened. However, we are also capable of doing irreparable damage to ourselves while we’re intent on attacking others. The missile of anger and hate that we launch will return to us every time.

Here are four useful ways to rethink your situation when you start to get angry:

1. Be your own person. Even if your anger has festered for yeas, you don’t need to let the actions of others dictate how you feel. Determine what you want out of the encounter. The old idea of counting to ten is still a good rule of thumb before saying anything at all. It will give you time to think about the situation and your response.

2. Don’t intimidate, and don’t be intimidated. Isaiah 1:18 says, “Come now, and let us reason together.” What a great idea. Be assertive by asking the person to be reasonable in your debate, even as you promise to return the favor.

3. If the shoe fits, wear it. There may be times when you will be confronted with the truth, but you may not want to hear it. That’s when your defenses may rise up like a ten-story building. Again, take a moment and listen to what’s being said. If you need time to think about it, say so. Then ask God to give you the courage to accept the truth and confess your fault if necessary.

4. Practice intentional kindness. God’s Word says that a kind word turns away anger (Prov. 15:1). Think of something positive to say to the person — even if it’s, “I hear what you are saying, and I need to take your comments seriously.” Take the offensive in praising the accomplishments of others. Edify those with whom you work and live. Tell them when they do good work. Anger and honest praise have difficulty living together. Be known as someone who sees the best in those around you.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “The Poisons of Anger, Fear, and Guilt” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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10 Questions for Finding the Source of Anger, Fear, and Guilt

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Are you aware that what you are feeling as burnout and emotional exhaustion are really only the tip of a much deeper iceberg? Would you like to get to the source of your problem? Would you like to be able to throw your whole self into your life — like you did when you were a kid — free of anger, fear, and guilt? Are you ready to prepare yourself to smile, laugh, praise others, relax, and let your heavenly Father speak to you in fresh, new ways?

If you really want to work at this, then first I’d like you to answer some simple questions:

1. Do you find yourself waking up some mornings afraid to face the day?

2. Would you describe yourself as a person who has peace of mind?

3. Do you find it difficult to forgive others?

4. Do you ever deny your anger — perhaps because you do not know how to handle it?

5. Have you ever paid the price for getting even with someone?

6. Do you feel fearful of things, people, or events that are now history?

7. Are your fears, for the most part, realistic?

8. Do you live with guilt for things that were not your fault?

9. Is there something that’s making you feel especially guilty at this moment?

10. Do you feel you have the ability to choose anger, fear, or guilt in a given situation rather than just accept that emotion as it comes?

What do your answers to these questions say about you and where you find yourself at this moment? If you are feeling stressed to the point of burnout or on the threshold of emotional exhaustion, your answers may provide clues to what’s going on inside. As you reconsider each question, you may find that anger fear, or guilt are burdening your life and adding to your stress.

Every day we find ourselves confronted with overbearing, domineering colleagues, neighbors, and even family members who make unreasonable demands on our time, try our patience, and drive us crazy. They seem intent on lowering our self-esteem. They appear as wolves in sheep’s clothing, bullying us, forcing us to take more than our share of aspirins, driving our blood pressure sky high, making us bitter, withdrawn, and sometimes even crippling us emotionally.

So we get angry — a natural response to hurt and intimidation. But then we often become fearful, wondering if we’ve done the right thing by expressing our rage. After all, now we may have really opened Pandora’s box. So we back off, hide, or even deny our anger, become a captive of our fears, and begin to live with guilt for having taken a stand in the first place.

It seems that we’re always living with the big three: anger, fear, guilt.

Does any of this sound familiar? These are normal emotions, but there are times when our anger, fear, and guilt are not appropriate — when we hang onto them long after they should have done their useful work. In this chapter we’ll see how this contributes to our stress, which can lead to burnout and then to emotional exhaustion. This is when fear, anger, and guilt become emotionally and physically toxic. It’s important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger, fear, and guilt, because how you handle these three often poisonous emotions will be a major key to your regaining control of your life.

Next Tuesday: How to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger, fear and guilt.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “The Poisons of Anger, Fear, and Guilt” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Do You Have Healthy Self-Esteem? 8 Telling Traits

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

As you recognize and use your gifts, you develop a better self-image, higher energy, and increased good humor. Part of developing self-esteem is making a commitment to yourself not to try to please the world. If you wish to live out your giftedness and become strong — strong enough to take you from exhaustion to emotional health — then it’s critical that you make the time to learn and adopt the vital skills of a person with healthy self-esteem

8 TRAITS OF THOSE WITH HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

1. They live with an attitude of humility. When our gifts and talents are discovered by others, our self-esteem immediately feels the positive thrust of that affirmation.

2. They speak the truth as they see it, without fear of rejection and with no intent to harm others. Speaking the truth lovingly is not dependent on whether the recipient is able to hear it. It is never part of our life’s assignment to mind other people’s business.

3. They know how to separate feelings from the message being delivered. Those with good levels of self-appreciation will find it progressively easier to separate emotions from the content of another’s communication and will recognize the importance of differentiating between the two in their own communications.

4. They recognize the role that emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt play in people’s lives. They no longer take their anger, fear, or guilt at face value but instead learn to look beneath the surface to determine the reason for and source of those emotions.

5. They don’t simply follow the followers. It’s like the timekeeper setting his watch by the clock in a jeweler’s window so that he can blow the lunch whistle exactly at noon, only to find out that the jeweler was setting his clock by the timekeeper’s noon whistle. This is another example of followers following followers.

6. They look for reasons to release others and believe in the ability of others to make decisions. We can help those we love by believing in their abilities and encouraging them to use their gifts. Persons who have healthy self-esteem themselves are better able to respect and appreciate the abilities and skills of others.

7. They are accountable in word and deed for what they say and do. Can people count on us when we say we’re going to do something? When we make a promise do we do our best to keep it? Becoming strong again means taking full responsibility for our actions, which quickly builds self-esteem.

8. They know the past is the past and the present is the present. They recognize that to be emotionally healthy they must move from victim to victor. The strong person with a growing self-esteem is the one who refuses to let the past control what happens today.

Rather than chasing temporary emotional rewards by playing games with the truth, you can learn to stand up for what you believe, speak the truth in love, live through the stormy times with energy and joy, and little by little rewrite your life script.

SOURCE: Chapter 2: “The Long Journey from Darkness to Light” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Drowning in Anger, Fear and Guilt: Beth’s Journey Through Depression

Monday, February 15th, 2010

If you feel inexplicable anger, fear or guilt on a regular ongoing basis, as Beth’s story illustrates depression may be to blame.

What is wrong with me? Beth wondered. The worry, never far from the surface of her thoughts, intruded again. But still, Beth had no answer. She felt run-down, listless, and unable to generate energy or enthusiasm about anything. She made sure her kids were taken care of and pantomimed her way through a declining number of social functions, but she couldn’t remember the last time she could honestly say she felt good.

Her husband had even commented on her early nights to bed — without him — and her inexplicable lethargy. She wasn’t eating, and her clothes had begun to droop on her diminished frame. Even wearing bright colors seemed like a lie. Her smile was a pale echo of its former self, detached from any presumed goodwill.

And it wasn’t just her inability to feel joy that frightened Beth. As she went through the motions 0f cleaning up her youngest son’s scraped knee, she realized she couldn’t even feel bad for him. Empathy had left too. Picking him up, kissing his cheek, cleaning his wound and bandaging it, all had been accomplished without the expected emotional attachment. She could display a form of concern, but it was without substance. What is wrong with me? she continued to ask herself. Where did my passion for life go?

Just Who Do You Think You Are?

The answers to the question, “Why do I feel this way?” come from a variety of sources. Many important answers come from the first aspect of the whole-person view we refer to as the emotional self.

One of the key areas we consider when assisting clients in recovery from depression during therapy is how the person feels about himself or herself. In essence, we say to our clients, “Tell me who you are and why.” If clients are not optimistic and hopeful about their own future, depression can establish a stranglehold. Once established, depression produces the negative self-talk that reinforces feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, and helplessness. The person’s optimism is drowned in a flood of negative effects from excessive anger, fear, and guilt. Over and over again we have seen the damage done by these three emotions spilling over their appropriate boundaries and inundating a person’s sense of self-worth. In almost every case, this trio of emotions holds the key to depression.

This is not to say that anger, fear, and guilt are completely negative. If someone treats us poorly, it is natural for us to feel anger over the injustice. If we are threatened in some way, it is appropriate to be fearful. If we have done something clearly wrong, it is helathy for us to feel guilt. This kind of anger helps energize us to protect and defend ourselves. This kind of fear motivates us to quickly seek a solution to our danger. This kind of guilt produces the remorse that causes us to change our behavior.

In proper proportion, the emotions of anger, fear, and guilt are healthy, appropriate emotions. But, as with many things, too much of them can wreak havoc. Left unresolved, these three emotions can eat away at your sense of optimism, hope, and joy.

Learn more about depression here, including 30 conditions that may signify depression.

SOURCE: Chapter 1: “Emotional Currents,” Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Saying Goodbye to Anger

Friday, January 29th, 2010

In this my final blog post in a series of excerpts from my new book, Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger, I would like to leave you with some final thoughts from the last chapter, “Relying on the Power of God”:

Serving your anger has brought you pain, resentment, bitterness, and sorrow. God promises to give you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

God is the better master.

If your anger springs from an injustice, an evil, a wrong against you, God will repay.

If your anger springs from unrealistic expectations and wishful thinking, God will renew your mind to see, understand, and appreciate the truth.

If your anger springs from guilt, shame, and fear, God will heal those wounds and replace them with peace, acceptance, and courage.

If your anger is so deeply engrained you can hardly tell where it comes from anymore, God will gently work the truth up to the surface so you can deal with it and move beyond.

If your anger is all you feel you have left in this world, God will open up your eyes to his endless promises and possibilities for your life.

All you need to do to start down this path is to believe.

All you need to do to continue down this path is to act on your belief:

  • Start small
  • Be intentional
  • Be alert to yourself
  • Really listen to what you say to yourself and to others
  • When you need to be angry, use God as your punching bag
  • When you find yourself angry over the things God is angry about, pray and give it over to him since he’s got it anyway
  • Actively invite and nurture positive thoughts and feelings
  • Practice an attitude of gratitude about life and other people
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff
  • Forgive the big stuff
  • Leave room for God’s wrath
  • Actively and intentionally replace love for anger

More than anything else, open your heart and mind to God and his transforming power. Be patient but purposeful in your pursuit of love. Be patient with others; be patient with yourself.

Wait upon the Lord, and he will renew your strength.

SOURCE: Chapter 12: “Relying on the Power of God” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Living a Full Life: Embracing Optimism, Hope and Joy

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

When you intentionally grab hold of and fill your mind with good things like optimism, hope, and joy instead of bad things like anger and bitterness, you are able to change the content of your life. This can be a wonderful and frightening prospect. It is wonderful to consider being different from who you’ve been. It can also be frightening if you aren’t sure if this new person you’ll become will be safe.

Anger, rage, bitterness, and resentment are powerful and can take over who you are. They can warp who you are. They can become who you are and overshadow how you feel. Again, what kind of person do you really want to be?

Jesus said in Luke:

No good trees bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. ~Luke 6:43-45

SOURCE: Chapter 11: “Living the Power of Optimism, Hope, and Joy” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How to Forgive Without Forgetting

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Gina could hear the frustration in her sister’s voice, mixed with incredulity and a dash of betrayal. “I don’t understand how you can stand to be around her! How can you forget what she was like growing up?”

“I haven’t forgotten what she was like,” Gina replied. “I’ve forgiven her for what she was like.” It wasn’t the first time Gina and her sister had replayed this conversation. It seemed to surface after major holidays. Patricia refused to engage in anything more than a yearly cursory visit while Gina made a point to spend time with their mother. Patricia clearly couldn’t stand to be around her mother for longer than was absolutely necessary, and she didn’t understand how Gina could. More than once, Patricia implied that Gina was taking sides against her and for their mother.

“Even if I could let go of the past, she’s still the same old Mom,” said Patricia, “negative, judgmental, and critical. She drives me nuts!”

“Once I forgave her,” Gina responded, “it took away a lot of her power to ‘drive me nuts.’ I’m not mad at her anymore over the past, so when she starts into that behavior now, I’m able to set really good boundaries.”

“How do you forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it?” Patricia asked.

“I can forgive her,” said Gina, “because it’s really my decision, not hers. I need to forgive her more than she wants to be forgiven. I just didn’t want to live with all that anger and bitterness inside anymore. The only way to let it go was to forgive.”

Some things cannot be mitigated. They cannot be fixed. They cannot be removed. They can only be forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a strategic, purposeful response to pain and injury — one that can be acted on even if you don’t feel like it. For some things, only the healing waters of forgiveness have the power to douse the flames of anger. Extending forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet, it brings you closer to the character of God.

SOURCE: Chapter 10: “Experiencing the Power of Forgiveness” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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