Archive for the ‘Stress’ Category

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7 Ways to Grow Through Life’s Storms

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

Your road to becoming strong again must work through the whole series of past storms that have wreaked havoc on your body, soul, and spirit. But the good news is that now you know you weathered those storms; they helped you grow in ways that you were not even aware and they have shaped you into the person you have now become. Often it’s only when our eyes have been washed clear with buckets of tears that we will ever get a handle on the larger vision for ourselves and our place in the world.

Although you may never fully understand why or how the storms of your past have freshened the air your breathe today, you can find a healthy, new perspective that grants you the freedom to:

  1. Take time to think; it is the source of your power.
  2. Take time to play; it is the secret of your youth.
  3. Take time to read; it is the foundation of your knowledge.
  4. Take time to dream; it will take you to the stars.
  5. Take time to laugh; it really is your best medicine.
  6. Take time to pray; it is your tough with the almighty God.
  7. Take time to reach out to others; it will give your life significance.

It’s hard to believe that a person like Mother Teresa ever fell victim in anger or animosity to her past. Perhaps it’s because of how she always saw the impoverished of body and spirit through the eyes of Christ. As you ponder those difficult areas of your past — ghosts that may still haunt you and that remain hurtful — allow the words Mother Teresa often spoke to sweep over your spirit:

“I come to you, Jesus, to take your touch before I begin my day. Let your eyes rest upon my eyes for awhile. Let me take to my work the assurance of your friendship. Fill my mind to the last, through the desert of noise. Let your blessed sunshine fill my thoughts, and give me strength for those who need me.”

SOURCE: Chapter 5: “Removing the Ghosts of Your Past” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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R is for Responsible for My Emotions

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Just as children come in all body types, they also come in all emotional types. Some children are natural stoics. Some children have a seemingly endless supply of pendular emotions. Other children are one-sided emotionally, reacting to a variety of situations with a specific emotional response, such as anger or disappointment. You may have emotionally different children but one desired outcome — for each child to become responsible for his or her emotional response.

KNOWING YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL STATE

Before we begin to talk about your child, we need to talk about you.

As the adult role model, you need to have your emotional act together. Just as your own poor food choices can make it difficult for your children to eat responsibly, your poor emotional choices can make it difficult for your children to react responsibly. Your emotional stability, or lack thereof, provides an environment for your child’s emerging emotions.

Think for a moment how you usually respond to the following situations with your child — not what you hope you’ll do or what you think you should do but your standard response.

  1. How do you respond when your child whines?
  2. How do you respond when your child is excited?
  3. How do you respond when your child is angry?
  4. How do you respond when your child is happy?
  5. How do you respond when your child is defiant?
  6. How do you respond when your child is hopeful?
  7. How do you respond when your child is sad?
  8. How do you respond when your child is right?
  9. How are your responses to others different from how you respond to y9ur child?

The way you respond to your child, and to others, speaks volumes. As the adult, you set the emotional tone for your child, affecting his or her own emotional response. So now take the time to go through the same nine questions again, this time answering with the healthy responses you would like to emulate in the future.

ASK FOR HELP

Father, thank you for making us as  diverse emotionally as we are physically. Help me to know and understand my child’s emotions. I confess I’ve allowed the sun to go down on my own anger. I accept that my emotional stability is a model for my child. Help me to allow my child to experience and express emotions. Alert me to any difficulty my child has with emotional stability, and help me to subdue my pride in order to get needed help. Amen.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “R is for Responsible for My Emotions,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Feed Your Faith, Starve Your Doubts: The Life of Helen Keller

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

As a result of a damaging brain fever at the age of nineteen months, Helen Keller was deaf and blind, communicating only through hysterical laughter or violent tantrums. Nevertheless, with the help of her teacher, Annie Mansfield Sullivan, Helen learned to read braille and to write by using a special typewriter. Their early relationship was the subject of The Miracle Worker, a 1960 Pulitzer prize-winning play and 1962 film by William Gibson.

In 1904 Helen Keller graduated with honors from Radcliffe College and began a life of writing, lecturing, and fundraising on behalf of the handicapped, becoming one of the most inspirational women of all time. Her life is one example after another of what it means to become strong in the midst of unrelenting difficulty, stress, and pain.

At the close of her autobiography Helen Keller writes,

Fate — silent, pitiless — bars the way. Fain would I question his imperious decree; for my heart is undisciplined and passionate, but my tongue will not utter the bitter, futile words that rise to my lips, and they fall back into my heart like unshed tears. Silence sits immense upon my soul. Then comes hope with a smile and whispers, ‘There is joy in self-forgetfulness.’ So I try to make the light in other people’s eyes my sun, the music in others’ ears my symphony, the smile on others’ lips my happiness.’

When we feed our faith, we starve our doubts. That’s what Helen Keller did for an entire lifetime, and it is what you and I must do if we are to find inner healing.

It’s easy to lament the past, play the role of victim, live with if onlys, and be consumed with profound doubts about our present and future based on earlier trauma. I know how easy it is, because I’ve been there all too often. We all have people, events, and memories in our background that haunt us, confuse us, and throw us for a loop at the most unsuspecting moment. We may be at a Christmas concert where we hear the choir sing, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” and we well up with tears knowing we will never go home again under any circumtances. Or we may see a couple holding hands walking a deserted beach at sunset, and we recall a day when we were in a loving relationship that is no more.

There is no end to the fuel we could use to feed our sadness, fears, and doubts. But permitting the ghosts of our past to have a life of their own today will not help us recover from emotional exhaustion. It’s time to rid the past of its emotional poison, learn from its lessons, and use what was once negative energy to press on with your new life as you become strong again.

SOURCE: Chapter 5: “Removing the Ghosts of Your Past” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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6 Myths of Intimacy: How to De-Stress Your Relationships

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

Both men and women have myths about intimacy. Myths are just that — fairy tales, fabrications. They have a hint of truth but seldom hold up to close scrutiny. Perhaps you have lived with certain dark intimacy myths in the past that now must be exposed to the light of truth. As you now come out of hiding, let’s shatter a few of these myths that may have restricted your growth with unrealistic expectations.

1. You need to be a mind reader. Nothing is further from the truth. Intimacy is not a mind game. It’s about honesty and openness. The greatest thrill comes when you and another person begin to honestly share yourselves with each other.

2. I can treat you any way I wish. No one has the right to treat another person as he or she wishes. Perhaps this is what has happened to you in the past, and you have equated past hurt with intimacy. This is emotional abuse, pure and simple. Regard it as such.

3. Give me a minute, and I can fix you. We don’t need handyman relationships. It’s neither our job nor our privilege to fix people or their problems. More lasting results will come about from openness and honesty than from manipulation and looking for what’s wrong so we can fix it.

4. Caring is a feeling. If this is true, then when you stop caring, the relationship, by definition, must come to an end. When you reach out to a friend or colleague, you do it because that person is your friend, and you reach out whether or not you feel anything. Feelings are nice but they are not the material of which great relationships are made.

5. You’ve got to spill your guts. This is probably one of the greatest myths of all. The most vibrant relationships are often the quiet ones — walking together on a beach, going to a concert, having a cup of coffee together, or enjoying a simple conversation. There are no “have to’s” in a relationship with true intimacy. If anything, shoulds and musts will dampen the growth of your friendships quicker than anything else.

6. It’s got to be a good relationship all the time. This myth is what out-of-touch-with-reality B movies are made of. You live in the real world, and that means you, your friends, and your relationships will be flawed. Nothing in this life of hills and valleys will stay good all the time. Your relationships must simply be allowed to be. What you see is what you get. Openness, honesty, and intimacy need to be unconditional, for this is the only brand of caring that will bring health and growth to your relationships.

An intimate relationship is one in which there is emotional safety, when you feel understood, accepted, and affirmed. You allow yourself to be vulnerable without the fear that the other person will misuse your trust to hurt you. In this kind of a relationship, you can grow emotionally and spiritually.

SOURCE: Chapter 4: “Forgiveness” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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4 Steps to Healthy Anger Management

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

If someone steals your wallet, you feel anger. If you come home after a much-deserved vacation and discover your house has been ransacked and burglarized, you feel violated and angry. If someone says something insulting to a member of your family, your anger may be so intense that you want to punch that person in the mouth. These are all understandable emotional responses.

You would hardly be a responsible human if you allowed these events to pass as if nothing had happened. However, we are also capable of doing irreparable damage to ourselves while we’re intent on attacking others. The missile of anger and hate that we launch will return to us every time.

Here are four useful ways to rethink your situation when you start to get angry:

1. Be your own person. Even if your anger has festered for yeas, you don’t need to let the actions of others dictate how you feel. Determine what you want out of the encounter. The old idea of counting to ten is still a good rule of thumb before saying anything at all. It will give you time to think about the situation and your response.

2. Don’t intimidate, and don’t be intimidated. Isaiah 1:18 says, “Come now, and let us reason together.” What a great idea. Be assertive by asking the person to be reasonable in your debate, even as you promise to return the favor.

3. If the shoe fits, wear it. There may be times when you will be confronted with the truth, but you may not want to hear it. That’s when your defenses may rise up like a ten-story building. Again, take a moment and listen to what’s being said. If you need time to think about it, say so. Then ask God to give you the courage to accept the truth and confess your fault if necessary.

4. Practice intentional kindness. God’s Word says that a kind word turns away anger (Prov. 15:1). Think of something positive to say to the person — even if it’s, “I hear what you are saying, and I need to take your comments seriously.” Take the offensive in praising the accomplishments of others. Edify those with whom you work and live. Tell them when they do good work. Anger and honest praise have difficulty living together. Be known as someone who sees the best in those around you.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “The Poisons of Anger, Fear, and Guilt” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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10 Questions for Finding the Source of Anger, Fear, and Guilt

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Are you aware that what you are feeling as burnout and emotional exhaustion are really only the tip of a much deeper iceberg? Would you like to get to the source of your problem? Would you like to be able to throw your whole self into your life — like you did when you were a kid — free of anger, fear, and guilt? Are you ready to prepare yourself to smile, laugh, praise others, relax, and let your heavenly Father speak to you in fresh, new ways?

If you really want to work at this, then first I’d like you to answer some simple questions:

1. Do you find yourself waking up some mornings afraid to face the day?

2. Would you describe yourself as a person who has peace of mind?

3. Do you find it difficult to forgive others?

4. Do you ever deny your anger — perhaps because you do not know how to handle it?

5. Have you ever paid the price for getting even with someone?

6. Do you feel fearful of things, people, or events that are now history?

7. Are your fears, for the most part, realistic?

8. Do you live with guilt for things that were not your fault?

9. Is there something that’s making you feel especially guilty at this moment?

10. Do you feel you have the ability to choose anger, fear, or guilt in a given situation rather than just accept that emotion as it comes?

What do your answers to these questions say about you and where you find yourself at this moment? If you are feeling stressed to the point of burnout or on the threshold of emotional exhaustion, your answers may provide clues to what’s going on inside. As you reconsider each question, you may find that anger fear, or guilt are burdening your life and adding to your stress.

Every day we find ourselves confronted with overbearing, domineering colleagues, neighbors, and even family members who make unreasonable demands on our time, try our patience, and drive us crazy. They seem intent on lowering our self-esteem. They appear as wolves in sheep’s clothing, bullying us, forcing us to take more than our share of aspirins, driving our blood pressure sky high, making us bitter, withdrawn, and sometimes even crippling us emotionally.

So we get angry — a natural response to hurt and intimidation. But then we often become fearful, wondering if we’ve done the right thing by expressing our rage. After all, now we may have really opened Pandora’s box. So we back off, hide, or even deny our anger, become a captive of our fears, and begin to live with guilt for having taken a stand in the first place.

It seems that we’re always living with the big three: anger, fear, guilt.

Does any of this sound familiar? These are normal emotions, but there are times when our anger, fear, and guilt are not appropriate — when we hang onto them long after they should have done their useful work. In this chapter we’ll see how this contributes to our stress, which can lead to burnout and then to emotional exhaustion. This is when fear, anger, and guilt become emotionally and physically toxic. It’s important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger, fear, and guilt, because how you handle these three often poisonous emotions will be a major key to your regaining control of your life.

Next Tuesday: How to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger, fear and guilt.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “The Poisons of Anger, Fear, and Guilt” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Stress Survey: Who Are You?

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

We could fill an entire book on the stress we face just in trying to make it from day to day, with sufficient illustrations of pathological personalities to depress us all. Instead, I want us to look at some specific, postive ways to move beyond the prison of the there and then to the excitement of living an emotionally healthy life in the here and now.

Take a few moments and answer the following questions. Your answers will help you determine whether or not you are living out a previous, largely erroneous life script or whether you are doing a creative rewrite of ancient copy that is more in line with whom you have chosen to become today. Answer yes, often, sometimes or no to the following:

Are you weary and tired with your work?

1) Are you drained emotionally?

2) Do you hate waking up in the morning because you have to go to the same old job again?

3) Does your work frustrate you?

4) Do you clash with colleagues at work, often finding yourself at your wit’s end?

5) Do you ever think about death as your only means of escape?

Are you callous toward others?

1) Do you regard others as objects more than people

2) Do you have a hard attitude toward colleagues at work?

3) Do you rejoice to see a coworker endure a hardship, especially if you feel that person has wronged you?

Have you thrown away your dreams?

1) Do you blame others for your lack of success?

2) Have you stopped making plans to do great things with your life?

3) Do you regard life as little more than a treadmill?

4) Is life just one big disappointment after another?

Are you an emotional hermit?

1) Do you avoid people who make your life stressful?

2) Do you feel others drain you and take value from you?

3) Do you enjoy being the Lone Ranger and a law unto yourself?

4) Is there any value to you in self-imposed isolation?

If you answered no or only sometimes to most of these questions, you are well on your way to living an emotionally fulfilling life. If, however, you said yes or often to most of the questions, you may well be at some stage of emotional exhaustion. That means you are becoming weaker, not stronger.

These questions lead you to the larger question: Are you getting on with your life with courage and enthusiasm, knowing that somehow you will fulfill your dreams, or have you all but thrown in the towel? Your answers reflect how you see yourself today but they also may suggest that you are still believing and living out too many of the lies your life script may have been feeding you.

Next Tuesday: Know Your Gifts

SOURCE: Chapter 2: “The Long Journey from Darkness to Light” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How to Stress for Success: Dan’s Story Part II

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

You can read Part I of Dan’s story here – a story he shares, in his own words, in hopes that his journey through depression will inspire others to seek help too.

“I just could not figure out how to start feeling good. I had passed burnout and had moved on to emotional exhaustion. I went to several doctors who put me on antidepressants and other drugs that simply masked my symptoms. It was the classic story of knocking on all the right doors but never receiving the right kind of help. I knew I needed to take control of my life, but doing it was a joke. Most days, I used up the full amount of my energy just to breathe.

“On those days when I had my wits about me, I knew the alcohol that had become my friend was a faulty mechanism for coping with my stress. I was also aware that I wasn’t eating properly, wasn’t getting enough sleep, and was in a state of constant denial.

“Then it hit me: I was also dying spiritually.

“My love for God and the church was gone. Fellowship with other Christians meant nothing to me. I made sure I kept myself at a safe distance from those who might help me. I had to have my father intervene in helping me with my bookkeeping; I couldn’t even trust myself with my checking account. Without my father’s wise, practical counsel, I’m sure I would have been ruined financially. I had become incapable of making the most insignificant personal business decision.

“I knew if I didn’t do something fast, it would be all over: business, marriage, and all my personal dreams for success. That’s when I finally decided to get help — not from a bottle of pills or alcohol but from those who still loved me enough to hang in there with me.

“Once again I started to believe what I have been telling clients for years: No one can make you happy without your approval…. If you believe that God is dead, something in you no longer lives…. Evil takes hold when self-neglect takes root.

“My road back to sobriety and emotional well-being was not easy, and I assure you it didn’t happen overnight. It took time, prayer, energy, the love of a faithful — although often angry or distraught — wife, and the undying compassion of a merciful God. But eventually I was able to put the pieces back together and regain control of my life.”

Why do I tell you Dan’s story? Certainly not because he was proud of the fires he put himself and his wife through. If anything, it embarrasses him to tell it. But I have his permission because he hopes his tale of pain and denial will help someone else.

Perhaps this story can serve as a touchstone for you, regardless of your situation, to help you do what is necessary to learn to become strong again.

SOURCE: Chapter 1: “Coming Apart at the Seams” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Healthy Habits, Happy Kids: Helping Them SOAR

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

Somewhere along the line, kids have lost some of their childhood. We’ve taken it from them through our accelerated culture. We’ve overshadowed it by adult concerns and worries. Through a long line of stress-induced choices, we keep putting their childhood on hold. The sum of our daily decisions can add up to a childhood compromised or lost. That certainly isn’t our intent as parents, but it’s becoming a common outcome.

Changes in our culture and society have negatively impacted the health and well-being of kids today. Our kids are more stressed, less connected, more busy, and less active than we were growing up. As parents, we see this but feel at a loss to know how to regain control over our own frenetic lifestyles and return a healthy, balanced childhood to our kids.

Concerned with our own weight we worry over the physical health of our kids, as childhood weight gain and obesity levels begin to mirror adult epidemic proportions. Caught between the dangers of unhealthy weight on one hand and the dangers of unhealthy attitudes about weight, food, and body image on the other, parents are left struggling.

We want to help but don’t know how. Sometimes what you do to try to help just ends up making the whole situation worse. So you do nothing, out of fear; which provides no solution at all.

But we must provide a solution!

Our kids are being weighed down not just with extra pounds but with conditions and concerns long thought to be strictly associated with adulthood and advancing age: hypertension, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, anxiety, and stress. Given these realities, we want our children to lose weight and live healthy and happy lives.

Helping Kids SOAR

The secret to healthy kids can be found through a whole-person approach to the needs of your child. Each child is more than he or she weighs. Each is a compilation of preferences, personality, genetics, and family patterns. In society today, appearance takes center stage, but a thin child is not necessarily a happy child. By addressing the emotional, relational, physical and spiritual needs of children, parents are able to provide a balanced, caring environment that contributes to lifelong happiness and health.

I call this helping a child SOAR. As parents, we must strive to allow our children to grow up in an environment where they are:

Supported – provided intentional guidance, direction, and nurturing

Optimistic — assured of a bright hope and future ahead for them as they grow

Active and Achieving — finding success in their personal and family endeavors and in active, energetic pursuits

Responsible — understanding and accepting their own part in healthy living and choices

When children grow up with this framework, they are truly able to SOAR through a healthy, happy childhood and into a productive, vital adulthood.

Next Wednesday — Helping your child SOAR emotionally

SOURCE: Introduction to Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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New Blog Series at A Place of Hope

Monday, February 1st, 2010

For the past couple of months this blog has been devoted almost exclusively to excerpts from my new book, Every Woman’s Practical Guide to Managing Your Anger. The response to the blog posts, especially on Facebook and Twitter, has been heartwarming. I am hoping for an equally helpful series in the months to come, this time with each day of the week devoted to excerpts from one of my five other books representing a wide range of issues: 

Monday — Moving Beyond Depression: A Whole-Person Appraoch to Healing

Tuesday — How to De-Stress Your Life

Wednesday — Healthy Habits, Happy Kids: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family

Thursday — Losing Weight Permanently: Secrets from the 2 Percent Club

Friday — God Can Help You Heal

“So let’s begin our journey toward healing and ask a loving, merciful God to give us the insight and the wisdom to do the right thing.” ~How to De-Stress Your Life

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