Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

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Renewing Your Spiritual Connections

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Sunday morning. Great. Time to go to church, and I’m fresh out of excuses.

I used “not feeling well” last week and “out of town” three weeks ago. If I don’t show up today, it’ll be two Sundays in a row, and someone will probably call or want to come over. But if I don’t want to go to church on Sunday, I certainly don’t want to talk about why to someone from the visitation committee during the week. So I’ll just go — a little late and leave as soon as it’s done. I won’t show up on any list that way.

Okay, so I’m going, but I’m not dressing up. They should be happy I’m there at all.

Happy. Yeah, they’ll be happy. We’ll sing about joy, and they’ll smile and laugh. If I keep a frown on my own face and pretend I’m rummaging through my purse, I can probably get out of there without anyone coming up to me after services. Happy people don’t know what to do with a frown.

It’s not that I’m mad at them. It’s not their fault I feel this way. It’s just so hard to sit or stand in the pew and sing about joy when I don’t have any myself.

I can’t remember the last time I felt joy. I thought when I became a Christian, I was supposed to become joyful, as though God was going to wave a magic wand over me, causing all doubt and fear and loneliness and unhappiness to go away.

Well, if he did, it didn’t work. I’m still unhappy, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone.

What’s the deal? Where is God in all this?

FINDING THE CONNECTION

God-talk will support your positive self-talk by agreeing with affirming statements, such as:

  • I deserve love.
  • I deserve joy.
  • I am strong enough to learn and grow each day.
  • I can experience contentment in my life.
  • I am able to respond to my circumstances instead of react.
  • I can look forward to tomorrow.

To each of these, God adds his response:

I deserve love: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

I deserve joy: “Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away” (Isaiah 51:11).

I am strong enough to learn and grow each day: “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect” (2 Samuel 22:33).

I can experience contentment in my life: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation” (Philippians 4:12).

I am able to respond to my circumstances instead of react: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

I can look forward to tomorrow: “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22-23).

SOURCE: Chapter 9, “Renewing Your Spiritual Connections,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Multifocusing: God as Our Continuum

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Most of you have heard the term “multitasking.” It describes the ability to do several things at once. There are those who would say we simply can’t get along without it! If multitasking is beneficial, consider the value of “multifocusing.” By this, I mean the ability to see one thing from several different perspectives, specifically the perspectives of past, present, and future.

When suffering or trials occur in our lives, they tend to telescope our view into a preoccupation with the present. Physical and emotional pain can be so overwhelming that they demand our complete and immediate attention. The here and now supercedes all other views. While this is natural for a short period of time, it can be damaging if we maintain this singular focus over the long-term. Why? Because focusing solely on the present robs us of the lessons of the past and the hope for the future.

When we’re hurting, pain seems the only clear lens. When we’re hurting, we look at our past, which can seem a bleak landscape. Our current suffering appears to be a dreary constant. Pain fills our past and overwhelms our present. Is it any wonder we ignore the future, believing the pain will continue indefinitely? We may appear to be multifocusing, but we’re concentrating on the negative and failing to take the positive into account. Only through multifocusing on God are we able to pay attention to the present and still gain benefits from both the past and the future.

Let’s look again at the passage from Lamentations, this time from the point of view of multifocusing:

“My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.”

Jeremiah spoke of the present and his soul as being “bowed down within me.”

He was aware of his present condition and also of his past sufferings. Nevertheless, Jeremiah put them into context. He spoke of being able to “call to mind” or remember a past when “the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.” The past to Jeremiah was not merely a litany of injustices and trials, it was filled with evidence of God’s love and mercy.

With a foundation of God’s past deliverance, Jeremiah saw a positive future, one in which God’s mercies would be “new every morning.” Firmly rooted in the past, present, and future. Jeremiah had hope.

In order to hope and in order to heal, God must be our continuum.

SOURCE: Chapter 8: “Vision,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Replenishing the Body: Rachel’s Story

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

“Perfection!”

Rachel held up the warm, plump, deepening red globe. Gently she disengaged the fruit from its stem and set it down in her basket next to the squash, beans, and lettuce she’d already harvested. Even her tomatoes were doing well this year! It was a bigger garden than she’d ever attempted, but her labor was certainly bearing fruit.

The next-door neighbor chided her in a good-natured way about puttering around so much, but Rachel didn’t let it bother her. Taking care of her garden was like taking care of herself. She’d put off doing both for far too long.

Frankly, she’d let her garden and her life get choked out by too many weeds.

Little by little over the years, Rachel had traded in the important for the urgent. As her career as a nurse gained steam, it began to roll over the other activities of her life. After all, her work was important, and Rachel was very good at it. The better she got, the more pressure she took on. The more pressure she took on, the less she began to enjoy life. In a life-giving profession, she had less and less to give.

After years of providing help, one day Rachel decided it was time to ask for some. It wasn’t selfish; it was necessary.

The idea to replant her neglected garden came while she was talking with her counselor, who asked a question about what she enjoyed doing. It took her a moment to answer because, in her current life, she had trouble thinking of anything. She spent time in certain activities, even important ones, but they were not necessarily things she enjoyed. That’s when she spoke of the gardens she’d helped with as she was growing up.

“What was it about gardening you liked so much?”

“Caring for something,”Rachel had finally answered. “Watching over it and taking care of it. Knowing I could help something to grow. I hadn’t really thought of it before, but that’s the same reason I went into nursing.”

“Have you ever thought of yourself that way?” her counselor asked. “As someone to be cared for? What are you doing to help yourself grow?”

From the seed planted that day, Rachel set out to care for her garden and herself. Whatever place you’re at in your life, I encourage you to do the same. Whether it’s gardening, running, reading or just sitting in meditative silence, make the time to replenish yourself each day.

SOURCE: Chapter 8, “Replenishing the Body,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Depression: What Your Body Can Tell You

Monday, April 26th, 2010

In a whole-person approach, the entire body is recognized as an important component in depression. The whole-person approach accepts the body as a complex organism and looks for systemic reasons for depression. This approach is supported by Dr. Robert A. Anderson, a founding member of the American Holistic Medical Association.

In the Clinician’s Guide to Holistic Medicine, Dr. Anderson makes this recommendation: “A definitive diagnosis of depression should not be made until physical conditions have been surveyed.”

The body is not merely along for the mind’s ride into depression. The body is an active participant, with the capacity to aggravate or improve symptoms of depression. The whole-person approach looks closely at the physical, emotional, environmental, and spiritual factors involved in depression. Understanding the complete picture of an individual’s depression leads to effective whole-person solutions.

For many people their first step on the road to recovery from depression is into a physician’s office. After all, they feel bad. Whatever the factors leading to their depression, many will attempt to obtain a medical diagnosis for physical symptoms:

  • Changes in sleep pattern, either sleeping too much or too little
  • Changes in appetite, losing appetite or feeling as if they can never get enough
  • Changes in weight, correlating to that change in appetite, resulting in either putting on excessive weight or losing weight
  • Fatigue and a lack of vitality
  • Trouble remembering or concentrating
  • Heightened anxiety or irritability
  • A failure to thrive

These are all physical signs that point to depression and can arise from a variety of physical causes.

Although this chapter will include extensive information about physical causes, the intent is not to make you feel overwhelmed by the number of factors that could be present in your depression. Rather, they are presented to enlighten you to the very real possibility that what is going on inside you includes a physical component and is affecting your resolve to overcome depression.

After you have made a mental decision to intentionally recognize, promote, and sustain optimism, hope, and joy, your body may not be in a position to follow your mind. Your body may be holding you back. In order to go forward, you need to examine what is happening to you physically and make changes to assist in your recovery.

Certain studies show that addressing physical conditions can have a dramatic effect in overcoming depression. Psychiatrist Richard Hall’s findings reveal “evidence [of] dramatic and complete clearing of psychiatric symptoms when medical treatment for underlying physical disorders was instituted.”

In the whole-person approach, the body itself is considered to hold its own special key to the reason behind depression. Physical illnesses are explored as well as physical conditions that may not be diagnosed or readily apparent. Even when blood work and medical examinations are done, the physical culprits involved in depression can be overlooked.

Like a detective, you need to be informed and persistent to discover the truth. As you continue in the journey to reach beyond your own depression, be aware of any physical factors influencing your ability to sustain recovery.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “Physical Causes of Depression,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Community of Suffering: How Sharing Pain Heals Lives

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

When calamity strikes us, it often does so when others around us are living calm lives. Like a tornado that touches down only on a single house in a subdivision, we are struck while everyone else is left standing. We feel marked, singled out, different. Our personal chaos takes place while others continue to live their everyday lives.

The first question we ask is, “Why me?”

RANDI’S STORY

When breast cancer hit at 32, Randi was caught completely off guard. She was young. This wasn’t supposed to happen. When her hair began to fall out from the chemotherapy treatments, she felt strange no matter what she did to hide it. No wig, no hat, no scarf looked right. Angry that nothing seemed to work, she started making excuses for staying at home. If she couldn’t conceal her baldness with a hat outdoors, she’d hide it by staying indoors. And it wasn’t just external things like the hat. It seemed that when she did want to talk about the cancer, the person she was speaking to avoided the subject like the plague. If she didn’t want to talk about it, sure enough, someone would call her up to find out how she was doing. At those times, the sympathy from healthy people was more than she could bear.

Living with deep pain can be an all-encompassing experience. The pain keeps drawing our focus back to itself. Inwardly focused, it’s easy to believe that other people don’t understand what we’re going through. Our pain becomes a badge — a “C” for cancer, a “D” for divorce, an “L” for the loss of a loved one. The pain becomes our identity. So, as we look around at others who wear no such badge, we assume we have nothing in common. We feel alone.

However, suffering is universal. Since many of us choose to suffer in private, we are often completely unaware of the individual paths to healing others have taken. We assume, since others appear normal, that nothing challenging or hurtful has happened to them. If we investigated further, we’d be amazed at the wealth of experience, help, and compassion that’s available through others.

The solution is confession. James tells us that we are to “confess [our] sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that [we] may be healed” (James 5:16). Pain is not necessarily sin, though much of our pain comes because of sin. Yet confession is cleansing.

We need to be open and honest with each other about the pain in our lives. We need to be willing to ask. When asked, we need to be willing to share. We need to be willing to pray for one another. This is the connection that brings healing.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Connections,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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6 Disciplines for Eliminating Self-Defeating Attitudes

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

During the darkest days of World War II, when the Allies were struggling and losing on every front, Winston Churchill had the uncanny capacity to quiet his active mind by focusing on some entirely new — often offbeat — activity and giving it his undivided attention. Later, he could return to the strategies of meeting head-on the hated German war machine with his keen mind rested and refreshed.

I can’t think of many people in the history of the world who have held more responsibility in their hands or had more monstrous crises to face than Winston Churchill during the years when he was prime minister of England. However, not everyone realizes he was able to face up to the sort of challenges that would have killed a dozen lesser individuals because of a pattern of behavior he had developed early on — a system for eliminating self-defeating attitudes. Fortunately, Churchill’s system is bound by neither time nor geography and can operate as freely and effectively in the wars you and I fight in our minds today.

THE MASTER KEY

In the context of learning to change gears while in the center of mental conflict, I once heard commentator Earl Nightingale read a quote by Winston Churchill that explained how the great statesman could concentrate on the many affairs of government without becoming stressed. He would consciously force himself to think about things that were completely unrelated to the problems before him.

Winston Churchill knew how to tap into one of the primary antidotes for emotional exhaustion: Change your focus momentarily so you can come back to face your challenges with fresh insights. Without using the exact words, Churchill was sharing with us one of the keys to regaining control of our lives.

We all know how a negative life view can keep us trapped, fearful, and stuck with choices that ruin any opportunity we might have for success. Let’s look at six proven, practical disciplines that, when implemented, can turn an attitude of defeat and despair into hope, energy, and confidence.

1. Review and renew your attitude daily, ready to change your focus so as to embrace optimism over pessimism.

2. Get physical, as exercise can enable you see problems with new eyes and, in fact, even alter your attitude.

3. Become accountable, ready and willing to accept the truth as shared with us by trusted friends, and as realized with our own eyes, ears and realizations.

4. Learn to be content with what you have, as wise men and women know that happiness comes from accepting the impossible, doing without the indispensable, and bearing the intolerable.

5. Relinquish your anger, a natural emotion that serves a healthy purpose but can become harmful when it is our focus or a continual part of our personality.

6. Clean house emotionally, taking steps to sweep away stress and self-defeating attitudes.

As you begin practicing the six disciplines, you will discover many wonderful things begin to happen in your life that help you refocus your priorities and reduce your level of emotional exhaustion. But just as the appearance of one robin does not promise a spring, so you must trust these disciplines for the long haul rather than expecting overnight success.

SOURCE: Chapter 7“Six Disciplines for Eliminating Self-Defeating Attitudes” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Antidepressants to the Rescue? Angela’s Story

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Angela sat in her car bewildered by the prescription she’d just gotten from her doctor.

“I can’t believe it’s come to this,” she thought. “I don’t want to take it, but I don’t want to keep on going this way either. I just want me back. I just want to feel good again.”

She had a hard time remembering the last time she had felt good. Her depression had started with the death of her mother two years before and had just kept spiraling downhill from there. She felt tired, unmotivated, overwhelmed. She was losing the ability to concentrate, to focus. There was no such thing as a good night’s rest. The doctor had given her sleeping pills after her mother’s death, and now she used them regularly, but her sleep felt drugged, not natural or refreshing.

Nothing felt natural or refreshing anymore. She should be over her mother’s death by now, but she still didn’t feel right. That’s why she’d gone back to her doctor. And she had another prescription from him, this time for an antidepressant.

Angela agreed she was depressed, but couldn’t imagine how taking a pill would make her feel good again.

But she was willing to do it because she wanted old Angela back: the Angela who used to laugh, the Angela who enjoyed her job, the Angela who found time to be with others. Over the past two years, her world had shrunk along with her joy and self-confidence. About the only things that hadn’t shrunk were her hips. For that alone she was willing to try the pill.

She had to do something — she couldn’t go on like this.

THE RISE IN PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS

While there is no dispute that the incidence of depression is growing, the response to this growth is changing. The trend has been away from traditional psychotherapy and toward a pharmaceutical solution.

According to the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), the number of people being treated for depression between 1987 and 1997 tripled. One-third were prescribed medication in 1987, and by 1997 that number had increased to almost three-quarters. During the same period, the number of people who combined counseling with medication declined form 71 percent to 60 percent. In short, more people are being diagnosed with depression, more of them are being given medication, and fewer are receiving counseling.

The whole-person approach is being replaced by the promise of a “magic pill.”

Accompanying the increase in prescription medication is a lack of acknowledgment by the medical community of the role that physical health and nutrition play in addressing depression. The focal point of depression treatment is not what the body can do for itself but rather how the body, specifically the brain, is viewed as defective. Because the emphasis of the study is on a neurological chemical imbalance, it isn’t difficult to understand why the preferred solution is chemical, or pharmaceutical, in nature.

Today’s emphasis on medications centers around a new classification of drugs called SSRIs (Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors), which include Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil. Serotonin is one of the body’s important neurotransmitters, which assist in brain functions such as mood, sleep, mental alertness, and sexual responsiveness. These drugs certainly have a place in relieving symptoms of severe depression, but an overemphasis on these drugs does not incorporate alternative approaches helpful for alleviating depression.

In a whole-person approach, the entire body is recognized as an important component in depression. The whole-person approach accepts the body as a complex organism and looks for systemic reasons for depression.

NEXT MONDAY: What Your Body Can Tell You

Are you depressed? Though no replacement for a formal diagnosis,  this survey can help you recognize the signs.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “Physical Causes of Depression,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Rebuilding Relationships: Boundaries

Monday, April 12th, 2010

What do you do with relationships that you have tried to mend, but they remain broken? Once you honestly assess the relationship and realize you are neither magnifying nor minimizing your responsibility in the brokenness of that relationship, you may need to accept the reality that changes are necessary.

To assist you in honestly assessing a particular relationship, ask yourself the following 14 questions:

  1. Do you expect this person to protect you emotionally?
  2. Do you expect this person to hurt you emotionally?
  3. Do you allow this person to hurt you emotionally?
  4. Do you allow this person to manipulate you?
  5. Does a part of you feel safer whenever this person is in control?
  6. Does a part of you only feel safe when you are in control and not this person?
  7. Are you manipulating this person through your depression?
  8. Do you have a habit of discounting or minimizing your own needs to this person?
  9. Do you prevent this person from knowing and filling your needs?
  10. Do you derive your sense of self-worth from your ability to meet this person’s needs?
  11. Do you actively promote yourself as a martyr in this relationship?
  12. Do you avoid solving problems in this relationship?
  13. Are you unable to relax and have fun in this relationship?
  14. Are you afraid to be truthful in this relationship?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, this indicates an out-of-balance relationship that you should mend or modify.

Sometimes we are in relationships with extremely negative people. They are our primary drainers. Sadly, these individuals are often members of our family, who through family ties feel they have a right to act as an emotional, physical, or financial drain on our lives. If you continue in these same kind of draining relationships, your ability to overcome depression can be seriously compromised. When a draining relationship brings you to a continued state of depression, it is time to change that relationship for your health and well-being. This can be a significant decision, not to be taken lightly.

In order to help you determine if a relationship is one you need to modify, consider whether or not this person is at the source of, or contributes to, your negative patterns, perceptions, and deceptive self-talk. If this is the case, you will want to modify your relationship with this person, if not eliminate it altogether.

If this person is a member of your family, it may not be possible for you to cut off contact. Wherever possible, you should attempt to mend this relationship, hopeful of change from the other person. If you have tried and have made the changes you feel able to make, yet it still remains a significant drain on you, then you will need to modify the boundaries of that relationship.

Communicating these boundaries should not be done in a confrontational manner. Boundaries should be stated in a natural, matter-of-fact way. You do not need to apologize or feel guilty about setting boundaries. They are normal and healthy for all relationships. Generally, when you are mending a relationship, you are setting boundaries for your own behavior. When you are looking to modify a relationship, you are setting boundaries for the behavior of others.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Family Dynamics,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How to Identify Family Patterns of Emotional Abuse

Monday, April 5th, 2010

Some of the most destructive family patterns and perceptions come from abusive situations.

The devastation of physical and/or sexual abuse is overt and terrible. Less visible, but still harmful, is the emotional abuse that can result from imperfect family relationships. So much emotional abuse is caused by the negative, destructive messages communicated to children while growing up.

THINK ABOUT IT

Family members can perpetuate emotional abuse without recognizing the amount of harm being done. The intentions of adults in a family may not be to pass along negative responses to their children, yet through their own inability to control these responses, they set up a negative pattern for their children to follow. As children follow these patterns, the negative perceptions that accompany them become grounded in their lives.

Without ever being told, children develop a working model for life based upon the suspicion, insecurity, perfectionism, self-centeredness, frustration, or oppressive behavior of their parents. This model produces feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, all of which suffocate optimism, hope, and joy.

You may have a background where abuse of this type, or worse, was evident in your family. It will not be difficult for you to pinpoint how these negative experiences have affected your ability to balance yourself emotionally. Or you may look back at your childhood and conclude your family can’t be a source of your depression, because you didn’t have an abusive experience.

Whatever your preconceived ideas may already be, take the time to truly examine the patterns you learned from your family.

As much as parents and adults try to minimize the damage done to their children through their own mistakes and faulty behaviors, it is not possible to completely eliminate negative influences. A careless comment or unkind remark can be enough to plant a seed in a child’s mind that grows into a poor perception.

This is not a search through your past to assign blame, but rather a mature look at the learned responses from your family to discover those that might be contributing to the strength and longevity of your depression. It is so important for you to be able to identify the burdens from past relationships that may be slowing down your rate of recovery. Once you discover these hindrances, you will be equipped to develop an effective plan for moving forward.

WRITE IT DOWN

Use the following statements as a starting point for writing down your recollections:

  • Good things my family taught me about life
  • Negative things my family taught me about life
  • Good things my family taught me about myself
  • Negative things my family taught me about myself

It is important for you to remember the good and positive responses to life you learned growing up. Most likely, your experiences with your family will be a mixed bag of good and bad, positive and negative, uplifting and deflating. While you want to be cognizant of the negative, don’t forget to highlight positive things you learned. For each negative life response, write a new positive one. These will help you celebrate the good patterns your family has brought to you.

You might want to write down the members of your immediate family — parents, siblings, and grandparents. (If you have nontraditional family experiences, use those individuals you consider to be significant mentors.) Think about how you related to each of these family members and what you learned about yourself from them. How did they treat you? What were some ways they hurt you? What were some ways they made you feel valuable and special?

Remember that negative responses may come easier than the positive ones. Be patient and allow the positive ones to rise to the surface of your memory.

Write at least three examples of both negative and positive statements that you remember your family member saying to you. Feel free to write down more as they come to you.

MOVE FORWARD

As you recover from depression, you may find that your circle of support will not come from members of your family. It may be necessary for you to use other relationships to provide the support you need. Your family may be too close to objectively  view your recovery. Members of your family may not be prepared to accept the truth you’ve uncovered through this process. Don’t allow their lack of acceptance to deter you in seeking the truth.

The goal is not to protect the family; the goal is to recapture a life filled with optimism, hope, and joy. If you need to discard flawed family patterns and perceptions, it is your perogative as an adult to do so.

Are you depressed? Though no replacement for a formal diagnosis,  this survey can help you recognize the signs.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Family Dynamics,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Learned Invisibility: Are You In Hiding?

Monday, March 29th, 2010

“I don’t know who I am,” Kevin said softly to himself. It was as if he had amnesia, except he realized he hadn’t forgotten his past; he had just never really known who he was. Kevin thought about his childhood and teenage years and realized he had never felt fully present or actively engaged. It seemed to him that he was always moving on the edges of life.

When Kevin was a small child, he was just Danny’s younger brother.

Danny was older and smarter and stronger. Danny was larger than life — at least larger than Kevin’s life. When he was in junior high, he’d relished his intentional ability to seem invisible — it had been an excruciatingly awkward time when anonymity was often a blessing.

In high school, Kevin blended in as one of a group of guys, unremarkable individually, but who found solidity in numbers. Adrift after high school, he never finished college and instead found his identify in managing a fast-food restaurant. Adulthood meant recognition as a uniform and a nametag not as an individual.

When Kevin got married, he became Sheryl’s husband, she being much more outgoing than he. It was the same after the kids came. His identity expanded to Heidi and Steven’s father. But the older they got, the less they seemed to need him.

As he thought about it, Kevin realized his sense of self always came as a corollary to someone else.

“If  I’m going to get over this,” he said, “I’ve got to learn who I am.”

LEARNED INVISIBILITY

When Kevin came to us, it wasn’t because of any major trauma in his life. Yes, his kids were teenagers, but they were doing fairly well with the adolescent transition. He’d settled into a comfortable relationship with Sheryl and his job was stable. Yet Kevin was battling a profound depression. He didn’t understand why and couldn’t see any way out of it.

What began as a couple of sessions of counseling through his employee assistance program at work became a yearlong journey through his young adulthood, into early middle age. Through this journey, Kevin became acquainted with someone he’d never really taken time to know before — Kevin.

In Kevin’s household there was only room for one dominant personality — his mother. She ran the household, her husband, and her children. Opinionated and vocal, her personality permeated the entire house. She did not allow others to express strong feelings, either positive or negative. She was the conductor of all thoughts, feelings, and opinions in the house. Others could attempt to express themselves but only at her direction. Kevin’s older brother, Danny, waged a constant battle, chafing against these restrictions. As he watched the fallout between this clash of wills, Kevin determined never to be put in that position.

Unlike Danny, Kevin was afraid of his mother.

Over the years Kevin developed a pattern of withdrawing into himself, of becoming “invisible” around his mother, forcing himself to merge his identity and personality into hers. What she liked, he liked. What she didn’t, he didn’t. If he had a different feeling or reaction, he did not express it. He came to understand that this was the tactic used by his father, who seemed to “click” himself off whenever Kevin’s mother entered the room, retreating to the television or the newspaper.

Kevin continued this pattern by aligning himself with other, more dominant, personalities. He allowed himself to take his sense of identity from other people in his life. It seemed safer that way.

This pattern produced a perception that Kevin was unremarkable, that he had few thoughts and opinions, that he was a follower and not a leader. He became the type who would be chosen by a leader, but not chosen to lead. By the time he reached middle age, Kevin was no longer content to be considered unremarkable. He longed for others to see him as a person of value and worth. But he was afraid it was too late. Kevin was afraid he would spend his whole life hiding in the shadows.

In order to overcome depression, Kevin needed to understand that it was safe to come out of hiding.

Are you depressed? Though no replacement for a formal diagnosis,  this survey can help you recognize the signs.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Family Dynamics,” in Moving Beyond Depression by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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