Archive for the ‘Self-Esteem’ Category

« Older Entries

Emotional Abuse In Action

Friday, February 25th, 2011

On March 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 5, “Emotional Abuse Through Actions”….

Emotional abuse can come not only through words but also through the actions that accompany those words, such as physical intimidation, manipulation, and physical threats. Emotional abusers who use actions as well as words increase their arsenal of ways to manipulate and control. They attempt to control not only behavior but circumstances as well.

Tragically, emotional abuse through actions can result in domestic violence or physical abuse. But this is not always the case, and severe emotional abuse can occur without the abuser ever laying a hand on the abused. The abuser may lash out at objects or smash possession out of rage. The abuser may withhold needed items or resources dispassionately out of cold calculation. In every incident of physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse is present. Emotional abuse, however, can be present without overt physical harm. Yet danger lies in the escalating nature of emotional abuse. If someone is accustomed to abusing you emotionally, physical abuse is never far away.

When emotionally abusive words and actions are combined, they reinforce each other, crushing one’s sense of self. That is why it is so important to counter this abuse with affirming words and actions. In our relationships with others and ourselves, our words and actions are meant to build us up, not tear us down.

Watch out for these patterns among emotional abusers:

The commander in chief, seeking to control all aspects of the relationship through an unhealthy use of authority (or perceived authority)

The ventaholic, constantly viewing actions by others as a threat, in turn responding with bouts of rage

The intimidator, attempting to control the behavior of others through use of verbal or nonverbal threats

The roller coaster, with up-and-down mood swings decimating any sense of consistency and security

The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, putting on a false face in public and an abusive one in private

The illusionist, maintaining an illusion of self in order to deny his or her true nature

The person who plays favorites, failing to provide a level playing field in regard to love of others

The role reverser, whose own sense of need causes basic relationships to be turned upside down

The empty promiser, taking advantage of the needs of others by giving a promise her or she never really intends to keep

The wrath-of-God abuser, using the Bible to hit other people over the head

As you look over this list, are you able to identify people in your past or present who manifest these characteristics? If so…

  • Which characteristics have had the most impact on your life? H0w have they impacted you?
  • What did each one of these types teach you about the world and how it works?
  • What truths do you still find hard to believe today because of the abusive words and actions of others?
  • What negative messages do you still carry around today because of the abusive words and actions of others?

Seeing through the double blind of negative words and actions can be difficult. While you mourn the truth of yesterday, don’t forget to acknowledge the hope that lies in today and tomorrow.

Take out a sheet of paper and write down three strong affirmations about yourself.  These can be something about who you are as a person, or they can be affirmations about your commitment to move beyond your abuse. Every time you feel burdened to experience or relive the abuse you have endured, take out these words and remember your commitment to hope. By repeating them to yourself daily, you can begin to rewrite those negative messages from your past.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Emotional Abuse Through Actions,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Posted in Self-Esteem, abuse | No Comments »

Is There an Emotional Abuser in YOUR Life?

Friday, February 18th, 2011

On March 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words”….

Conventional wisdom may teach that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” but we know better. We know that words have the power to hurt or help, wound or heal. God, who spoke the first word, reveals this clearly through Scripture, where words are compared to everything from sharp swords to smooth oil, from being harsh to being sweet as honey.

As we think about the power words have had in our own lives, let’s first take a look at God’s truth about the power of words.

Psalm 55:21 speaks of how people can say one thing with their mouths but mean something completely different in their hearts: “His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords” (NASB). This is so true when pronouncements of comfort and love are in word only and are followed by deeds that testify to anything but.

In Psalm 57:4 King David articulates the plight of those who are trapped under the influence of verbal abuse when he says, “I am in the midst of lions; I live among ravenous beasts – men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.” This is especially haunting to me, as I have heard these thoughts and fears expressed by verbally abused children. These children and adult children truly feel devoured in spirit by the verbal abuse suffered – sadly, too often by those given to them by God with the charge to love and protect them.

Psalm 64:2-3 reveals the power of words and the true nature behind the motivation to harm with words: “Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the noisy crowd of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows.”

In the hands of the wicked, words become the weapons they use to launch harm against another.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Verbal emotional abuse is the harsh use of the words that produces anger. It is this built-up , unresolved anger that festers inside a person, damaging self-esteem and poising relationships.

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” When honest affection and love are expressed through words, they bathe the soul in comfort. This comfort is desperately needed in this world and in all our relationships – and it is what emotional abuse utterly destroys.

While each person is different, there are several distinct methods the emotional abuser can use to dispense his or her abuse. It may be a single form or a combination of forms; however, most are recognizable:

  • The overbearing opinion – whose intensity of opinion overshadows everyone else
  • The person who is always right – who turns the words “I told you so” into a verbal indictment
  • The judge and the jury – who reserves the right to pronounce judgment on all actions on any given day in any given mood
  • The put-down artist - who uses words to crush the spirits of others
  • The stand-up comic – who laughs at you, not with you, and encourages others to do the same
  • The great guilt-giver - who burdens others with false guilt for all of his or her own problems
  • The preacher - who has a long-winded sermon, full of fire and brimstone, for ever occasion
  • The historian - who has a photographic memory for the lapses of others but a blind eye to his or her own shortcomings
  • The silent treatment abuser – who transmits volumes of negative thoughts without saying a word

The words and phrases we use are very important, as is the way they are delivered. Yet often we are the most careless with this vital form of communication. Now take some time to consider the type of communication you have with other people in your life:

1. As you think over your life, how have words been used as weapons against you?

2. Have you experienced a time when the words of another were “softer than oil” but ended up wounding you deeply, as with a sword?

3. In reading over the different types of verbal abusers, did one or more stand out to you? If so, why?

4. Were you able to identify yourself in any of these examples?

5. Do you have patterns of speech you’d like to change?

6. Identify the main types of verbal abusers you have dealt with.

7. What effect did their words have on you?

8. How do you feel about them today?

9. What lies have you believed because of their abuse? Be specific.

It’s time to begin to reclaim the truth and put the lies to rest. As you think about the lies you have believed, think about the truth. What is the truth about you?

Most of the time, words roll off our tongues without our thinking much about them. It’s time to consider our words carefully – what we say and how we say it. Perhaps the Golden Rule has no greater application than in the realm of communication. Internalize this statement: “I will strive to speak to other people the way I wish to be spoken to – with kindness, respect, and consideration.”

SOURCE: Chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in God, Self-Esteem, abuse, relationships | No Comments »

Sing a New Song, In the Words of God

Friday, December 10th, 2010

God never intended for you to have your mind filled with negative, destructive message created through the damage of others. For every lie these messages spew, He holds fast with His truth. His truth is positive, uplifting, empowering, and refreshing. God knows every negative thing you say to yourself; He hears the words of despair you utter and offers words of encouragement instead.

You say, “I learned how much one person can hurt another.”

God says,

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command (John 15:12-14). God, knowing how much people can hurt each other, commands each of us to love one another instead.

You say, “I learned that no matter what, I’m just not good enough.”

God says,

“My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9). God, understanding your weakness, makes His abundant grace available to you.

You say, “I learned it is possible for someone I love to stop loving me.”

God says,

“God is love” (1 John 4:8); “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God, who is love, has promised never to leave or forsake you.

You say, “I learned to become resigned to failure.”

God says,

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). God’s ability to succeed is stronger than your ability to fail.

You say, “I learned what it feels like to be on the outside.”

God says,

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God” (1 Peter 2:9). God has always meant for you to be part of His family, His plan – the ultimate insider for enternity.

You say, “I learned I am the problem.”

God says,

“Who will bring any charge against those God has chosen? It is God who justifies” (Romans 8″:33). God, who knows the truth in all things, is the defender of those wrongly accused, including you.

You say, “I learned up is down and down is up.”

God says,

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). Because of sin, this world will often seem upside down, with nothing sure and secure. God, through Christ, promises and affirms the opposite, giving your life foundation and security.

You say, “I learned a home is not a refuge.”

God says,

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29). Over and over again in the Old Testament, God is called a rock and a refuge. God, through Christ, promises to be both refuge and rest for you.

You say, “I learned the world is a scary place, not to be trusted.”

God says,

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me” (John 14:1). God knows the world is an untrustworthy place, so He offers Himself and His Son as the appropriate repositories of your trust; and God, unlike the world, is faithful with your trust.

You say, “I learned how quickly things can change.”

God says,

“He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind” (1 Samuel 15:29). God is your rock, and He does not change. Note that God does not promise things won’t change; He only promises that He will not. This life comes with storms; God offers Himself as your anchor.

You say, “I learned that what I do is never good enough.”

God says,

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8). God is able to work through you to accomplish amazing and extraordinary things. Look at the number of times the words “all” and “every” appear in that one passage. Say it over to yourself this way: “And God is able to make all grace abound in me, so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every work.” It’s perfectly appropriate for you to personalize Scripture; it was written with you in mind.

You say, “I learned that the thoughts of others are more important than my own.”

God says,

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). God knows the only way to have a true heart of humility is based upon an understanding of your own value and worth first so you can extend it on to others. After all, one of the great commandments of God is to love your neighbor as yourself (Leviticus 19:18), which presupposes that you love yourself. You were told others were more important than you. God says, out of love, consider others as better than yourself. It is an attitude of love and service that God commands, after first demonstrating how it is done in the person of Jesus.

You say, “I learned the lesson of my own inadequacy.”

God says,

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). When God is working through you, there is nothing you cannot accomplish; you are more than adequate.

You say, “I learned to wrap my pain in shame and hide it away.”

God says,

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (Isaiah 66:13). God knows the depth of your secret pain and promises comfort and restoration through His unfailing love. God doesn’t want you to hide your pain; He wants you to bring it to Him, as a hurting child runs to his or her mother, so He can comfort you.

You say, “I learned to fear it could happen again.”

God says,

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). There are so many empty assurances with God. He too knows it could happen again, and He promises to be with you through it all.

SOURCE: Chapter 6, “Choose Your Station Wisely (Emotional),” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: ,
Posted in God, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, Self-Esteem, relationships | No Comments »

Are You Tuned In To Negativity?

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

That background drumbeat of negativism in your head wasn’t recorded overnight. Instead, it’s a compilation of messages you’ve herad, impressions and impacts you’ve assimilated, and conclusions you’ve reached over the course of your life. It’s like a top-40 countdown, except these aren’t the best songs you’ve ever heard; they’re the worst.

These messages have the ability to overpower the positive things you feel and that happen in your life by the sheer momentum of their negativity. These messages have created a well-worn groove in your mind, allowing them easy access to your subconscious and conscious thoughts, where they color how you feel about yourself and think about what happens to you.

Amy grew up in a household where the “noticed” child became the target of verbal and emotional abuse by an angry father.

 The way to survive growing up in Amy’s home was to be unnoticed. Blanket pronouncements of incompetence and worthlessess were common. Amy grew up hearing she wasn’t good enough, wouldn’t amount to anything, couldn’t do anything well enough, and wasn’t pretty enough to be of much use to anyone.

If she did well at school, Amy’s father said it was because the teachers were stupid. He was always right in his pronouncements. Any arguments to the contrary were quickly and vehemently countered, with sarcasm, insults, and threats.

Amy learned to keep her mouth shut, to hide what she was doing, hide who she was, and lay low. She distrusted attention and accolades, convinced she’d gotten away with something whenever anything good happened. She tried extremely hard to do everything right so that nothing could be held against her, all the while fearing she wasn’t up to the task.

When positive things happened at work, they were a source of anxiety and fear instead of satisfaction and celebration. If Amy could have picked out her “Top 40,” to Name That Tune, her list would have looked something like this:

  • I learned no matter what, I’m just not good enough
  • I learned to to become resigned to failure
  • I learned I am the problem
  • I learned what I do is never good enough
  • I learned the thoughts of others are more important than my own
  • I learned the lesson of my own inadequacy
  • I learned to wrap my pain in shame and hide it away

Of course, Amy had never stopped long enough to really listen to what she was telling herself. This self-dialogue was so ingrained in her that Amy stopped recognizing it years ago. These “lessons” formed the framework for how she interpreted the world and provided reasons why bad things happend to her. They warned her not to expect good things, and Amy considered them protective, so she wouldn’t get hurt when things didn’t turn out like she wanted. As far as Amy was concerned, it was better to be resigned than rejected.

I’ve known many people like Amy over the years.

These are well-meaning, good people who developed some pretty elaborate coping skills in order to survive and make sense of difficult circumstances. Because the negative messages they carry inside them are so deep seated, it isn’t always an easy or comfortable process to uncover their true meanings and influence. It requires courage, commitment, and a safe environment where truth is honored and supported.

What does your Top 40 look like?

SOURCE: Chapter 6, “Choose Your Station Wisely (Emotional),” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: ,
Posted in Happy for the Rest of Your Life, Self-Esteem, happiness | No Comments »

How to Claim Validation, Your Gift from God [2 of 2]

Monday, September 6th, 2010

There are times when it seems we have to stand alone and shout out our value to a deaf world. Those around us who should have joined in the chorus with loud and enthusiastic voices are either silent or murmuring a negative undercurrent. So often this happens when we’re most vulnerable — as children.

We take the silence of our parents or trusted adults as proof we are not worthy or special. We listen to their murmurs and turn up the volume until that din is all we can hear. Yet, deep in our hearts, we know this isn’t true; we know deep in our hearts this is somehow wrong and unfair.

Sometimes we are taught that it’s wrong to validate ourselves. Maybe you’ve been taught it’s boastful or prideful to love yourself. I remember sitting in Bible classes as a child and learning I was supposed to love myself last on a list that went something like God, others, self. It was as if there was only so much love to go around and you weren’t supposed to hoard it for yourself but rather give up your supply of love for everyone else. If you had any left over for yourself it was because you hadn’t given up enough to God or others.

I believe this is faulty reasoning. After all, doesn’t God say that you are to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18)? Galatians 5:14 says that the entire law of God is summed up in that single command. And didn’t Paul in Ephesians 5:28-29 say that a man was to love his wife like he loved his own body, in the same way Christ loves His Church?

It seems to me that loving yourself is a fundamental principle of God. Loving yourself is not supposed to be subservient to the love of others; love of  self is the basis for love in others. This is why it is so important to be able to validate yourself as a person, created and loved by God, with intrinsic value and worth just for who you are.

Validation isn’t something to be earned; it is something to be claimed.

As an adult, I know that love isn’t a finite quantity. Love has no more boundaries and limitations than God does because God is love (1 John 4:8). Love is like the living water Jesus talked about to the woman at the well in John 4. There is an endless supply with plenty to go around.

Please know that God joins you in your validation. He’s the author of your worth and value, so why shouldn’t He shout it out with you? In The Message, Eugene Person translates Psalm 37:5-6 this way: “Open up before God, keep nothing back; he’ll do whatever needs to be done. He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon.”

RECOGNIZE, ILLUSTRATE, AND ESTABLISH SELF-WORTH

We’ve talked about recognizing your worth as a person. That’s just one of the components of validation. Validation also means to illustrate and establish.

Your actions to yourself illustrate your sense of self-worth. What you say is one thing; what you do is another. How you treat yourself, the attitudes you have about yourself, the forgivenss you show yourself, the love you have for yourself illustrate what is really true.

Once you recognize your value as a person, your need for the cheap clanging of outside excessities will fade. You need to illustrate the knowledge through action.

Source: Chapter 6, “Our Need for Validation” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Gotta Have It!, Self-Esteem | No Comments »

How to Claim Validation, Your Gift from God [1 of 2]

Saturday, September 4th, 2010

People who lack validation in their lives fail to understand their own value and worth. Without validation, it is difficult to have a concept of self-worth. Without an understanding of intrinsic value, a person will often look outside of self to find that validation. Instead of looking inside to anchor your belief in your value as a person, you hook that belief to the passing whims of circumstance, culture, and conditions.

Your belief in your value as a person can be ripped from you, leaving you grasping for the next handhold to come along. This was Megan’s life. Her hold on self-worth was only as strong as whatever relationship she was in. When that relationship ended, her sense of value as a person evaporated, leaving her frantic and desperate to begin another relationship. Within any relationship she had, she kept looking to the wrong party to anchor her sense of self.

She chose the person who always left instead of the person who was always there — Megan herself.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking your worth as a person comes from what you do instead of who you are. It is also easy to see your worth as being reflected off others instead of shining out from inside. When you allow other people or outside situations to provide your validation, you make yourself hostage to them.

When we validate ourselves, we recognize our worth. Notice I didn’t say we generate our worth or create our worth or cause our worth. Each of us has a worth, a value that we did not generate, create, or cause for ourselves. This value is inherent in us as people; this value is a gift from God.

IT’S WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHAT YOU DO

Each person is unique, looked over and loved by God. One of my favorite psalms in Scripture is Psalm 139 because it speaks of the intimate and loving relationship God has with each one of us. God knows us as individuals, not just as an anonymous blob in the mass of humanity. He knows nour name and everything about us.

Jesus in Luke 12:6-7 explains that we have great value to God and that “the very hairs of [our heads] are all numbered” (v.7). Do you know yourself well enough to know how many hairs you have at any given time? This may seem like rhetorical hyperbole, but it is meant to illustrate that God, your loving Father, knows who you are.

God knows you and loves you, as you. Your value and worth as a person do not derive from what you do or who you’re in a relationship with. It doesn’t spring out of how much money you make or how attractive you are or how many times you can get an answer right. Your value is deeply rooted in your identity in God.

Genesis 1:27 clearly says that God made you in His image. You are, as Psalm 139:14 says, “fearfully and wonderfully made.” This isn’t talking about that part of you that comes directly from God, who verse 13 says crafted your creation.

God made you who you are and loves you for who you are. This is the bedrock foundati0n for self-worth. This is self-worth anchored in God; this is your special identity safe and protected in God’s hands. You can validate yourself by recognizing your worth in Him.

Source: Chapter 6, “Our Need for Validation” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Gotta Have It!, Self-Esteem | No Comments »

Fame, Status, Success: Real or Imagined?

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

There is a corollary to money and power that I have seen people cling to as a way to security. It is the desire for fame, status or success as a bulwark against feelings of marginalization and lack of self-esteem. These people often feel that they are outside the rules that control the rest of society.

Special status bestowed by others is precarious because it is usually based upon the current popular culture.

Popular culture is not stable. There was a time when politicians had status; now they are thought of more as infamous than famous. There was a time when the bankers on Wall Street with million-dollar bonsues were looked upon with something akin to reverence; now it’s more like revulsion. The special people in a society can change overnight.

 When the winds shift and you’re not considered special anymore, your world can come crashing down. Just ask past-their-prime athletes, last year’s beautiful people, or former child-star actors relegated to third-rate reality shows.

I have known a few people who were famous because of their achievements or position. I have known far more people who assigned themselves their own special status. Often they considered themselves to be special and outside of the rules, not so much because of what they had but because of what they didn’t have.

This is not popularitity through the positive but notoriety through the negative.

Their special status was because “no one else has suffered like I have” or “I am owed because of what I’ve lacked in my life” or “because of what I’ve suffered I can’t be held responsible.” This attitude produces a sense of entitlement. Yet this sense of entitlement isn’t bestowed upon the person by popular consensus. Rather, it is that person who has elevated himself or herself to a special status.

When you have declared yourself special and demand special treatment because of it, you create a false sense of security. After all, you are in control because you have declared yourself the sole artiber of your specialness. The instability of this platform arises because others may not be of the same opinion. They may interpret your specialness as rude, aggressive, argumentative, insensitive, arrogant, or unrealistic. The more you loudly demand your specialness, the deeper their negative reaction is driven. The more you demand to live outside the rules, the more others may desire for you to simply live outside of their proximity.

It is seductive to want to live outside of the rules and the natural consequences of life. Rules so often have to do with limits and restrictions. Natural consequences can seem harsh and unfair. The Gotta Have It! of claiming a special status yells out, “That doesn’t apply to me!”

When we get to avoid the rules of others and make up our own rules, we feel a sense of control over our world. When we are in control, we feel more secure.

Source: Chapter 5, “Our Need for Security” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 
30-DAY BOOK GIVEAWAY
If you would like to receive a free copy of Gotta Have It!, share your thoughts about this book excerpt in the comments section of this blog post. Or share your thoughts on Dr. Jantz’s Facebook page or in a Twitter update mentioning @gregoryjantzphd.

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Gotta Have It!, Self-Esteem | No Comments »

When Exercise is Exorcise: Carla’s Story

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

We live in an anxious world, and one of our deepest needs is to be reassured in the midst of our anxiety. Paul, in Philippians, tells us we should quell our anxiety through prayer and petition. Instead, however, we have reached for everything from pills to pasta, working to workouts, pull tabs to Prozac — without any lasting reassurance.

In our anxious world, we cry out, “It’s not going to be okay!” as we come face-to-face with our fears, worries, and anxieties. In this world, we can feel vulnerable or at risk, often without being able to clearly identify why. We feel in danger, and the higher the sense of danger, the greater the need for reassurance.

Often, reassurance comes through an excessity. Is fear, worry, or anxiety at the root of any of your Gotta Have It! behaviors?

CARLA’S STORY

Carla could feel that tinge of panic starting. Because of an amazingly busy week, complicated by a persistent head cold, she had gone three days without exercising. She was starting to feel jumpy, irritable, like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. She needed to excercise; things weren’t right in the her world if she didn’t.

Exercise kept the monsters at bay.

Carla had lived intimately connected to the monster of low self-esteem, poor body image, and fear of fat for years. She relied on the feeling of pushing herself to the limit, giving herself an edge over those insecurities.

Exercising, for Carla, had become exorcising; when she exercised physically, she emotionally exorcised her emotions, her anxieties. Nothing else she did kept the panic under control. If she could just get back to exercising, everything would be fine — or at least back at status quo.

She never felt she was really accomplishing anything by exercising, but at least she wasn’t losing ground to the monsters. After three days, she could feel that ground start to shift.

For Carla, exercise was an excessity, truly a Gotta Have It! activity. Exercise soothed her worry and panic. After she exercised, she felt reassured that the disaster she lived with every day, lurking on the sidelines, would not happen — at least not today.

Carla lived in fear of becoming fat. At the root of this fear was a tremendous insecurity about who she was a person. Carla worked very hard to keep her outside “perfect” becuase she felt so imperfect on the inside. If she ever became fat, then the worst would happen — her outside would mirror her inside, and she would no longer be able to hide. Carla lived in fear of exposure. Being thin was her defensive barrier and she was willing to do just about anything to shore up that defense.

Some of you can immediately identify with Carla. For the rest of you, however, before you autmoatically say, “Whew! That isn’t me,” I want you to take a moment to reconsider. Sometimes your Gotta Have It! behavior isn’t meat to usher in things that make you feel good, but rather that behavior is meant to keep out things that make you feel bad.

Fear worry, and anxiety can make you feel bad — and they can become all-consuming, fueling those particular excessities tied to them. If you want to defuse the power of your excessities, you need to determine what negative feelings are at the heart of any of them.

Source: Chapter 4, “Our Need for Reassurance” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc
 
30-DAY BOOK GIVEAWAY
If you would like to receive a free copy of Gotta Have It!, share your thoughts about this book excerpt in the comments section of this blog post. Or share your thoughts on Dr. Jantz’s Facebook page or in a Twitter update mentioning @gregoryjantzphd.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Gotta Have It!, Perfection, Self-Esteem, Weight | No Comments »

Redefining Failure as Success

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

I make it a point to listen to as many audiotapes and read as many books as possible by John Maxwell, one of the finest Christian leaders and communicators today. Maxwell speaks the truth and describes it in ways that are unforgettable.

About failure, Maxwell says that we should not be ashamed of what may appear to be failure because it often means we had courage to try something different, we learned new information, and now have a better idea of how it should be done.

In other words, what some people call failure, we can call a learning experience.

If what we call failure is never final but simply a means of getting closer to our goals, then it stands to reason that the best book has not yet been written. The most beautiful concerto has not yet been composed. the most energy-efficient car has yet to come off the production line. The most effective cancer cure has not yet been developed in the laboratory. And the better you has yet to emerge.

I want to offer you a challenge.

What are you willing to do, starting today, to ratchet up your confidence a notch or two? What can you tackle right now to help you deal with your challenges in ways you never thought possible? How can you make your most intimate relationships better and stronger? How can you revisit old attitudes, and perhaps revise them, to help you reach out to those in need in creative, new ways?

To help you brainstorm on this, I invite you to write down your responses to the following:

1. Choose one specific thing to work on immediately that will help you know the joy of living confidently. Describe your objective and how you plan to accomplish it.

2. Identify the habitual ways of thinking that have been holding you back, making you afraid, and keeping you from believing your dreams will come true.

3. Based on what you have learned so far in this chapter, write down what you plan to do to make life’s circumstances adjust to your dreams and not the other way around.

4. Reflect on the Chinese proverb, “Flowers leave part of their fragrance in the hands that bestow them.” Write your thoughts in your journal.

5. What is your primary response to the statement, “Becoming more comfortable with myself is a strong sign of growth and inner confidence.”

6. In the past you have often used unreliable maps and timetables and have even chosen nonsupportive traveling companions at times. Write what you now know you must do to find inner healing.

7. Reflect on this Kenyan prayer: “From the cowardice that dares not face new truths; form the laziness that is content with half-truths; from the arrogance that thinks it knows all truths, dear God, deliver me.”

8. When you exchange your mistakes for wisdom and increased confidence, you make an excellent trade because you now know what?

9. What are three fears that have kept you from being confident about your God-given potential?

10. What do you intend to do immediately about these three fears as you develop the confidence to gain control of your life?

11. Always remember that God loves you and forgives you whether you are able to exude confidence or not at this place in your life. In your own words, write a thank-you to God for how much he loves you and for his desire that you use his strength to find inner healing.

SOURCE: Chapter 8 “The Joy of Confident Living” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Review Blog Schedule (every weekday devoted to excerpts from a different book by Dr. Jantz)

Follow Dr. Jantz on Twitter

Fan Dr. Jantz on Facebook

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Self-Esteem, Stress | No Comments »

Families of Those With Eating Disorders: 12 Characteristics

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

We often think we cannot live without the ingrained patterns of our past — whether they be good or bad, positive or negative. But people who lose weight permanently know that if they are to grow in every area of their lives they must look at every area 0f their lives.

The following are characteristics of families of those with food-related problems:

1. Perfectionistic, including high expectations from the father, either verbal or nonverbal. This most often applies to the first-born.

2. Mother frequently dieted, accompanied by an over-emphasis on weight and appearance, compulsive dieting and fasting, diarrhetic use or laxative use.

3. Father distant, fueling an intense desire to to please the father who is typically emotionally unavailable.

4. Parent (0ften the mother) is co-dependent, often denying her own needs and assuming responsibility for everyone else.

5. Rigid discipline with severe punishment, including guilt and shame used as motivation, and perhaps humiliating or hurtful punishment.

6. Sexuality ignored or considered “dirty,” neglecting to give children basic information about sex or no opportunity to discuss sexual issues.

7. Daughters used as confidantes, perhaps with the father complaining to the daughter about the mother, and in fact the child may be used as the parent’s primary form of emotional support.

8. Children forced to be adults, especially daughters who “raised” siblings and children who are not allowed to be children themselves.

9. Children victimized in any way, which may include fondling, incest, neglect or verbal abuse.

10. Parent (often the father) addicted to prescription drugs, alcohol or street drugs.

11. Family members tend to ignore or deny negative emotions, often resulting in explosive anger, or anger and sadness never addressed, even to the point of covering up negative emotions just to please others.

12. Overuse of food for pleasure or reward, with food serving as the primary focus for pleasure and emphasis placed on sweets and rich desserts.

For your ongoing emotional growth and your permanent weight loss, it is important that you look at whether you have avoided — and may still be avoiding — intimacy on some level. Intimacy issues have interfered in your life and sabotaged your success at weight loss.

Now is the time to say, “I need help.”

There’s no point in blaming your past, your family, or even a former abuser, if any. You have simply had numerous unmet needs that you attempted to address through intimacy with food. Now you are moving away from such erroneous thinking and are moving toward joining the two percent of people who lose weight permanently.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “Developing Intimacy With People,” in Losing Weight Permanently by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Review Blog Schedule (every weekday devoted to excerpts from a different book)

Follow Dr. Jantz on Twitter

Fan Dr. Jantz on Facebook

Tags: ,
Posted in Addictions, Eating disorders, Kids, Perfection, Self-Esteem, Weight, abuse | No Comments »

« Older Entries