Is There an Emotional Abuser in YOUR Life?

Posted on February 18, 2011 by Dr. Jantz

On March 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.) For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words”….

Conventional wisdom may teach that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” but we know better. We know that words have the power to hurt or help, wound or heal. God, who spoke the first word, reveals this clearly through Scripture, where words are compared to everything from sharp swords to smooth oil, from being harsh to being sweet as honey.

As we think about the power words have had in our own lives, let’s first take a look at God’s truth about the power of words.

Psalm 55:21 speaks of how people can say one thing with their mouths but mean something completely different in their hearts: “His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords” (NASB). This is so true when pronouncements of comfort and love are in word only and are followed by deeds that testify to anything but.

In Psalm 57:4 King David articulates the plight of those who are trapped under the influence of verbal abuse when he says, “I am in the midst of lions; I live among ravenous beasts – men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.” This is especially haunting to me, as I have heard these thoughts and fears expressed by verbally abused children. These children and adult children truly feel devoured in spirit by the verbal abuse suffered – sadly, too often by those given to them by God with the charge to love and protect them.

Psalm 64:2-3 reveals the power of words and the true nature behind the motivation to harm with words: “Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the noisy crowd of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows.”

In the hands of the wicked, words become the weapons they use to launch harm against another.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Verbal emotional abuse is the harsh use of the words that produces anger. It is this built-up , unresolved anger that festers inside a person, damaging self-esteem and poising relationships.

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” When honest affection and love are expressed through words, they bathe the soul in comfort. This comfort is desperately needed in this world and in all our relationships – and it is what emotional abuse utterly destroys.

While each person is different, there are several distinct methods the emotional abuser can use to dispense his or her abuse. It may be a single form or a combination of forms; however, most are recognizable:

The overbearing opinion – whose intensity of opinion overshadows everyone else
The person who is always right – who turns the words “I told you so” into a verbal indictment
The judge and the jury – who reserves the right to pronounce judgment on all actions on any given day in any given mood
The put-down artist - who uses words to crush the spirits of others
The stand-up comic – who laughs at you, not with you, and encourages others to do the same
The great guilt-giver - who burdens others with false guilt for all of his or her own problems
The preacher - who has a long-winded sermon, full of fire and brimstone, for ever occasion
The historian - who has a photographic memory for the lapses of others but a blind eye to his or her own shortcomings
The silent treatment abuser – who transmits volumes of negative thoughts without saying a word

The words and phrases we use are very important, as is the way they are delivered. Yet often we are the most careless with this vital form of communication. Now take some time to consider the type of communication you have with other people in your life:

1. As you think over your life, how have words been used as weapons against you?

2. Have you experienced a time when the words of another were “softer than oil” but ended up wounding you deeply, as with a sword?

3. In reading over the different types of verbal abusers, did one or more stand out to you? If so, why?

4. Were you able to identify yourself in any of these examples?

5. Do you have patterns of speech you’d like to change?

6. Identify the main types of verbal abusers you have dealt with.

7. What effect did their words have on you?

8. How do you feel about them today?

9. What lies have you believed because of their abuse? Be specific.

It’s time to begin to reclaim the truth and put the lies to rest. As you think about the lies you have believed, think about the truth. What is the truth about you?

Most of the time, words roll off our tongues without our thinking much about them. It’s time to consider our words carefully – what we say and how we say it. Perhaps the Golden Rule has no greater application than in the realm of communication. Internalize this statement: “I will strive to speak to other people the way I wish to be spoken to – with kindness, respect, and consideration.”

SOURCE: Chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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The Story of a Woman’s Anger

Posted on February 10, 2011 by Dr. Jantz

On February 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger. For a preview of what to expect, here’s a collection of blogs I ran a few months ago featuring case studies of four women whose stories are shared in the book:

Pamela Under Stress: A Busy Mother’s Siege Mentality

Pamela really felt under siege by the pressures of her life. Every task, every demand on her time — even those she agreed to — began to feel like an attack against her peace of mind, her emotional stability, her physical stamina…. Read more.

Paralyzed by Anger: Jenny’s Story

Jenny listened to the voice message from Colin with mixed emotions. Part of her wanted to smile at how sweet he sounded over the phone. The other part of her counseled to avoid being swayed by the sound of his voice. She had already made up her mind not to continue going out with him. Her reasons were very specific and justified. He wasn’t serious enough. He lacked motivation. He wasn’t sensitive enough to her needs. For each reason, she could relive a detailed example of that failing…. Read more.

Anger In Waiting: Connie’s Story

Connie glanced at the clock on the dresser, agitated by how late it was. Almost simultaneously she heard her husband call up to the bedroom from downstairs. Rob wanted to know when she’d be ready to leave, and it was obvious by his tone of voice he was irritated at her tardiness. He’d said to be ready at 5:30, and she still had six minutes left, according to the clock…. Read more.

Resolving Relationships: Katie’s Story, Part I

Katie came to work with me originally because of depression and an eating disorder. Her mother was concerned because, at twenty-three, Katie was obese. She had a good job but was plagued by high absenteeism that threatened her employment. When she was at work, she was meticulous and thorough. But there were just too many days when she couldn’t seem to make it in. Her weight never seemed to go down. It would plateau for a time, but then Katie would have a “down time” and up it would creep…. Read more.

Resolving Relationships: Katie’s Story, Part II

Katie hadn’t worried about it much while still in school because the sheer busyness and activity level of college kept a lid on her weight. As soon as Katie graduated and got a job, however, things started to unravel. Even though she wanted to lose weight, she couldn’t seem to. The heavier she got, she worse she felt. The more out of control her life and her eating became, the angrier she got. The angrier she got, the more despair she felt. The more despair she felt, the deeper her depression. The more depressed she became, the harder it was to go to work and the easier it was to eat…. Read more.

Click here for details on how to enter the book giveaway.

Sing a New Song, In the Words of God

Posted on December 10, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

God never intended for you to have your mind filled with negative, destructive message created through the damage of others. For every lie these messages spew, He holds fast with His truth. His truth is positive, uplifting, empowering, and refreshing. God knows every negative thing you say to yourself; He hears the words of despair you utter and offers words of encouragement instead.

You say, “I learned how much one person can hurt another.”

God says,

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command (John 15:12-14). God, knowing how much people can hurt each other, commands each of us to love one another instead.

You say, “I learned that no matter what, I’m just not good enough.”

God says,

“My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9). God, understanding your weakness, makes His abundant grace available to you.

You say, “I learned it is possible for someone I love to stop loving me.”

God says,

“God is love” (1 John 4:8); “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God, who is love, has promised never to leave or forsake you.

You say, “I learned to become resigned to failure.”

God says,

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). God’s ability to succeed is stronger than your ability to fail.

You say, “I learned what it feels like to be on the outside.”

God says,

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God” (1 Peter 2:9). God has always meant for you to be part of His family, His plan – the ultimate insider for enternity.

You say, “I learned I am the problem.”

God says,

“Who will bring any charge against those God has chosen? It is God who justifies” (Romans 8″:33). God, who knows the truth in all things, is the defender of those wrongly accused, including you.

You say, “I learned up is down and down is up.”

God says,

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). Because of sin, this world will often seem upside down, with nothing sure and secure. God, through Christ, promises and affirms the opposite, giving your life foundation and security.

You say, “I learned a home is not a refuge.”

God says,

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29). Over and over again in the Old Testament, God is called a rock and a refuge. God, through Christ, promises to be both refuge and rest for you.

You say, “I learned the world is a scary place, not to be trusted.”

God says,

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me” (John 14:1). God knows the world is an untrustworthy place, so He offers Himself and His Son as the appropriate repositories of your trust; and God, unlike the world, is faithful with your trust.

You say, “I learned how quickly things can change.”

God says,

“He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind” (1 Samuel 15:29). God is your rock, and He does not change. Note that God does not promise things won’t change; He only promises that He will not. This life comes with storms; God offers Himself as your anchor.

You say, “I learned that what I do is never good enough.”

God says,

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8). God is able to work through you to accomplish amazing and extraordinary things. Look at the number of times the words “all” and “every” appear in that one passage. Say it over to yourself this way: “And God is able to make all grace abound in me, so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every work.” It’s perfectly appropriate for you to personalize Scripture; it was written with you in mind.

You say, “I learned that the thoughts of others are more important than my own.”

God says,

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). God knows the only way to have a true heart of humility is based upon an understanding of your own value and worth first so you can extend it on to others. After all, one of the great commandments of God is to love your neighbor as yourself (Leviticus 19:18), which presupposes that you love yourself. You were told others were more important than you. God says, out of love, consider others as better than yourself. It is an attitude of love and service that God commands, after first demonstrating how it is done in the person of Jesus.

You say, “I learned the lesson of my own inadequacy.”

God says,

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). When God is working through you, there is nothing you cannot accomplish; you are more than adequate.

You say, “I learned to wrap my pain in shame and hide it away.”

God says,

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (Isaiah 66:13). God knows the depth of your secret pain and promises comfort and restoration through His unfailing love. God doesn’t want you to hide your pain; He wants you to bring it to Him, as a hurting child runs to his or her mother, so He can comfort you.

You say, “I learned to fear it could happen again.”

God says,

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). There are so many empty assurances with God. He too knows it could happen again, and He promises to be with you through it all.

SOURCE: Chapter 6, “Choose Your Station Wisely (Emotional),” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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What Patience Is, and What It’s Not

Posted on September 14, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

The world does not see patience as a position of strength but rather as a position of weakness, of wanting, of lack. Powerful people don’t have to wait; powerless people do. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of patience. Patience allows you to take back control over a capricious and unstable world and plant that control firmly within yourself.

Patience does not give you the power over circumstances; patience allows you to control yourself in the midst of circumstances.

Because of the misconceptions about patience I’ve run into over the years as I’ve helped people develop the capacity for patience in their lives, I’d like to go over some of the realities and truths of patience.

Patience is not apathy. Apathy is a lack of interest or concern. Being patient does not mean disengaging or disconnecting from your feelings or emotions. Being patient means accepting both how you feel about a given situation and what you can realistically do about it.

Patience is not surrender. A decision to exercise patience is not the equivalent of waving the white flag. When you surrender, you place yourself under the control of the situati0n and remove yourself from the equation. Patience is not surrendering your power to the circumstance; patience is redeploying that power back to you.

Patience is not static. Thre is a misconception that patience, or the act of waiting, is just sitting there, doing nothing. In this, patience is a little like sleep. When we’re sleeping, it can appear that we’re doing nothing — we’re just sleeping. Sleep, however, is a highly dynamic process where the body is actively engaged in repairing itself. The mind is filtering and collating and processing the events of the day. In the same way patience is an active time of remembering, reexamining, and recommitting to those things you know are true. Patience, like sleep, is the act of preparing for the new day to come.

Patience is not impossible. One of the biggest lies of your excessity is that you must give in to it right now. This lie says you do not have the capacity to be patient and to wait — and it would be foolish to even try.

Patience is optimistic expectation. The engine of patience is hope. Romans 5:3-4 is a wonderful passage that shows the connection between patience and hope: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Patience is based on the end, not the beginning. Ecclesiastes 7:8 says, “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.” You won’t know that the end of the matter is better than the beginning if you’re not patient enough to get there.

Patience is based on the long view. The view of patience is not a few steps in front of us. The view of patience is out over the horizon, around the bend, through the hills and valleys of life. Patience is not thwarted by the immediate; it is sustained by the eventual. When you are assured of the eventual, you can patiently endure the immediate.

Patience is a wise response to life. This life is offensive in so many ways. People can be mean, cruel, and hurtful. Circumstances can be sudden, unpredictable, and damaging. We may feel as if we live under siege from something or someone most of the time. But patience provides a calm counterbalance to the frenzy of such a threat level. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

Patience is a calm response to life. Patience is seen as a way to diffuse tension and calm an emotional storm. Proverbs 14:29 says, “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.” And as Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.” Excessities are often quick to strike within tense situations. They promise relief and reward in the midst of such emotional storms. Patience has a way of de-escalating the situation and reducing the pull of escape into an excessity.

Source: Chapter 8, “God Provides Patience” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc

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The Excessity of Relationships

Posted on July 22, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Relationship excessities aren’t always of a sexual nature. Sometimes, the excessity relationship I see is between parent and child. It is a disturbing distortion of the natural bonding that should occur, where one appears unable to detach and function without the other.

Bonding becomes bondage.

This kind of enmeshment between mother and daughter often manifests itself in an eating disorder — the daughter’s symptom of the mother’s relational stranglehold. I have also seen it in opposition defiant disorder between a father and son, where the son assumes a constant position of hostility in order to avoid the suffocation of his father’s need for control over his life.

Relationships can also become an excessity when it is the fact of the relationship, not the face of the relationship, that matters most.

I’ve seen people jump from relationship to relationship, refusing to grow and learn from each other, in order to perpetuate a deep-seated pattern. For these people, the faces change but the circumstances do not.

He’s forever looking for someone who needs him so much she’ll be afraid to leave. She’s forever looking for someone who is wounded more than she is so her hurt won’t seem so bad. I’ve seen people who needed to be in a relationship so badly — who could not tolerate being alone — they compromised just about everything.

If you keep looking in the mirror when it comes to relationships and say to yourself over and over, “I can’t believe I keep doing this!” it’s time to determine if being in relationships has become an excessity in your life.

SOURCE: Chapter 2, “Examine Your Excess,” in Gotta Have It! by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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SOAR Support Checklist

Posted on May 19, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Our families today are under attack on so many different fronts. Your commitment to implement changes, and to recommit to doing better for your family’s sake are all buffers against the tide of destruction lapping at the shores of the family unit. As irresistible as those forces seem, I wanted to remind you, through the verse below, of the power of God and the power of promise:

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. ~Proverbs 22:6

God is a mighty warrior when it comes to protecting and guiding your family! We must communicate to our children their internal worth in God.

As a way to provide you with a quick reference for major concepts I have covered in this blog series of excerpts from Healthy Habits, Happy Kids, I’ve put together a checklist of support regarding the SOAR concept. As you read it, you’ll have a way to evaluate how you and your family are doing. Each will come in a form of a statement. As you read each statement, personally evaluate the truth in your own life.

Commit to living out these statements in the life of your family:

I motivate my family to change out of love for them.
I am committed to providing my family with the stability of my love through changes.
I accept each family member’s pace of change, understanding that even slow pace is progress toward our goals.
I expect the best from each member of my family every day.
Understanding my own issues, I make sure to examine my motivations.
I provide positive verbal support to each member of my family.
I visualize these changes as permanent.
Through prayer, personal study, meditation, nd godly friends, I plug into God’s support for me and my family.

SOURCE: Chapter 11, “Staying On Course,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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When Tom Wasn’t Working, Work Was Working Tom

Posted on May 18, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Tom made his choice early on. He accepted the challenge to make work his life and life his work. He bought into reaping the benefits he thought he wanted, rewards he was sure would result from hard work and dedication: power, respect, money, and achievement. As advancements came his way, along with greater responsibility, the pressure to produce even more only increased.

He stayed at the office well into the evening each day, spent hundreds of hours on airplanes each year — always working madly on his laptop computer, of course — entertained clients over dinner, and took at least two full briefcases home each weekend.

Even when physically present at the family dinner table, his mind was still in the office, thinking of the current project, the next project, or past projects. When he’d go on vacations with his family, Tom would pack an extra box or two of business reports, books, and magazines. He never got to all of them but he was content to know that his security blankets were not far away.

This obsession with work was destroying Tom’s relationship with his wife and children but that didn’t seem to matter much to Tom, because he continued to get reinforcement for his yeoman efforts from his boss and colleagues.

He didn’t realize it at the time, but Tom’s success in climbing to a top executive position with his company was achieved at the expense of his personal life.

Do you relate to Tom?

You may have been on one end of the spectrum or the other. You may even now be so preoccuped with business success, travel, and the next deal that you are forgetting what may be most important in your life. Or you may be the one at home who wonders if your husband or wife will ever see the need for the kind of relationship you are eager to share.

The following questions can help you recognize if you are creating and maintaining healthy relationships:

Am I able to slow down?

Am I looking at the bigger picture?

Am I equating work with my worth?

Do I take breaks during the day to do something besides work?

If your answers to these questions are generally no, it may be wise to share your concerns and observations with a friend, your pastor, or a professional counselor.

SOURCE: Chapter 9 “Living Right-Side Up in an Upside-Down World” in How to De-Stress Your Life by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Healthy Relationships: Refilling Your Bucket

Posted on April 30, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Sometimes unhealthy relationships need to be severed or severely restricted. While this can be perceived as another loss, it is also an opportunity. It is an opportunity to seek out a healthy, beneficial relationship to take its place. Don’t be in a hurry. Allow the relationship to reveal its true nature over time. Be open about the pain in your past and your desire for healing. New friendships are a wonderful time to start fresh, not only with a new person but also with yourself. Each new friendship allows you to rewrite the definition of what it is to be your friend.

Recognize also that there are many types of relationships. There are acquaintances, friendships, romantic connections, and lovers. Depending upon where you are in your healing journey, some may not be wise or suitable. This doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of the others.

But in all your relationships, God must be the guide.

Ask yourself, “Is this a person God wants me to be in a relationship with? Do the goals of this relationship match God’s goals for me? If God was my earthly parent, is this someone I would take home for him to meet?” Our heavenly relationship must govern our earthly ones. They do not and cannot exist apart from each other. God cares about us, so it matters to him with whom we are spending time. It matters to him how we are treated and how we treat others. It’s put this way in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light an darkness?”

In your new relationships, choose people who practice doing right. Choose people who follow the light. If you’re not sure, watch their deeds. Who they are will become evident. If you’re still not sure, ask the Lord for wisdom and guidance. Ask him to reveal the person’s heart to you. Ask God to reveal your own heart.

When we let go and let God guide our relationships, we demonstrate our love for and trust in him.

Within the folds of a God-directed relationship, we are able to mend our broken hearts, exchange companionship for loneliness, and participate in the double blessing of helping others to heal and being healed ourselves. God sends us precious companions on our journey to healing. We were not meant to be alone. God can send each of us to encourage, rebuke, motivate, help, and love another person. Find this type of friend for yourself. Be this type of friend to others.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Connections,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Category Archives: Relationships

Is There an Emotional Abuser in YOUR Life?

The Story of a Woman’s Anger

Sing a New Song, In the Words of God

What Patience Is, and What It’s Not

The Excessity of Relationships

SOAR Support Checklist

When Tom Wasn’t Working, Work Was Working Tom

Healthy Relationships: Refilling Your Bucket

Testimonials

Financing

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