The Young and the Restless: Physicality as the Road to Happiness

Posted on November 19, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

As a culture, the population is getting older and fatter. It’s a huge topic, but the part I want to talk about here is the message the media broadcasts on a daily basis about the part physical attractiveness and youth have in achieving happiness.

This message of discontent is crafted across the age spectrum, from the types of clothing hawked to preteens (to look youthful instead of childish) to vitamin supplements advertised for seniors (to look youthful instead of old).

Happiness, you’re told, is found in being youthful in appearance (no matter what end of the spectrum you’re on) and physically attractive. Fat is not attractive. Age is not attractive. Therefore, if you are aging and fat, you can’t be happy. Again, the country is getting older and fatter, so people should be desperate to find out how to regain their youth and lose weight.

In truth, the culture is desperate.

People are desperate to somehow regain their youth, to “turn back the effects of aging” as the commercials say and to lose weight. Think about the vast majority of content in popular magazines, the kind you see at the checkout counter at the grocery store. What do the majority of the headlines trumpet? Looking younger and losing weight.

This is what the media does best – concentrate on the superficial. Highlight those the culture has decreed as the most physically perfect. Showcase the genetic lottery winners whose physical characteristics win the perfection jackpot and then pressure everyone else to look the same. Of course, the media will explain to you exactly how to do that – what pill to take, what machine to buy, what cream to use, what food to eat or not eat, what style of clothing to wear, what makeup to use, what hair dye to use…the list is endless.

If the only way to be happy is to be young and thin, why is it I see so many young and thin people at The Center who are anything but happy?

I can tell you unequivocally that being young and thin doesn’t buy you happiness no matter what the media says. The reason is that no matter what age you are, it isn’t quite right, and, if it is right, it won’t be that way for long. (You’ve heard about everyone’s fifteen mintues of fame. The time for physical perfection in this culture is about half that.) It is actually possible to be too thin, and even those whose bodies have been starved into bone-popping skeletal thinness can still be consumed with any number of perceived physical imperfections.

The same culture that promotes the instant gratification of fast food and the feel-good emptiness of packaged food also punishes excess weight and the inevitable signs of age. This, to me, is the cruelty of the culture, designed to send a person into an endless loop of desire and despair.

SOURCE: Chapter 1, “Detours On the Road to Happiness,” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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When Exercise is Exorcise: Carla’s Story

Posted on August 17, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

We live in an anxious world, and one of our deepest needs is to be reassured in the midst of our anxiety. Paul, in Philippians, tells us we should quell our anxiety through prayer and petition. Instead, however, we have reached for everything from pills to pasta, working to workouts, pull tabs to Prozac — without any lasting reassurance.

In our anxious world, we cry out, “It’s not going to be okay!” as we come face-to-face with our fears, worries, and anxieties. In this world, we can feel vulnerable or at risk, often without being able to clearly identify why. We feel in danger, and the higher the sense of danger, the greater the need for reassurance.

Often, reassurance comes through an excessity. Is fear, worry, or anxiety at the root of any of your Gotta Have It! behaviors?

CARLA’S STORY

Carla could feel that tinge of panic starting. Because of an amazingly busy week, complicated by a persistent head cold, she had gone three days without exercising. She was starting to feel jumpy, irritable, like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. She needed to excercise; things weren’t right in the her world if she didn’t.

Exercise kept the monsters at bay.

Carla had lived intimately connected to the monster of low self-esteem, poor body image, and fear of fat for years. She relied on the feeling of pushing herself to the limit, giving herself an edge over those insecurities.

Exercising, for Carla, had become exorcising; when she exercised physically, she emotionally exorcised her emotions, her anxieties. Nothing else she did kept the panic under control. If she could just get back to exercising, everything would be fine — or at least back at status quo.

She never felt she was really accomplishing anything by exercising, but at least she wasn’t losing ground to the monsters. After three days, she could feel that ground start to shift.

For Carla, exercise was an excessity, truly a Gotta Have It! activity. Exercise soothed her worry and panic. After she exercised, she felt reassured that the disaster she lived with every day, lurking on the sidelines, would not happen — at least not today.

Carla lived in fear of becoming fat. At the root of this fear was a tremendous insecurity about who she was a person. Carla worked very hard to keep her outside “perfect” becuase she felt so imperfect on the inside. If she ever became fat, then the worst would happen — her outside would mirror her inside, and she would no longer be able to hide. Carla lived in fear of exposure. Being thin was her defensive barrier and she was willing to do just about anything to shore up that defense.

Some of you can immediately identify with Carla. For the rest of you, however, before you autmoatically say, “Whew! That isn’t me,” I want you to take a moment to reconsider. Sometimes your Gotta Have It! behavior isn’t meat to usher in things that make you feel good, but rather that behavior is meant to keep out things that make you feel bad.

Fear worry, and anxiety can make you feel bad — and they can become all-consuming, fueling those particular excessities tied to them. If you want to defuse the power of your excessities, you need to determine what negative feelings are at the heart of any of them.

Source: Chapter 4, “Our Need for Reassurance” in Gotta Have It! by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc

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Families of Those With Eating Disorders: 12 Characteristics

Posted on April 15, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

We often think we cannot live without the ingrained patterns of our past — whether they be good or bad, positive or negative. But people who lose weight permanently know that if they are to grow in every area of their lives they must look at every area 0f their lives.

The following are characteristics of families of those with food-related problems:

1. Perfectionistic, including high expectations from the father, either verbal or nonverbal. This most often applies to the first-born.

2. Mother frequently dieted, accompanied by an over-emphasis on weight and appearance, compulsive dieting and fasting, diarrhetic use or laxative use.

3. Father distant, fueling an intense desire to to please the father who is typically emotionally unavailable.

4. Parent (0ften the mother) is co-dependent, often denying her own needs and assuming responsibility for everyone else.

5. Rigid discipline with severe punishment, including guilt and shame used as motivation, and perhaps humiliating or hurtful punishment.

6. Sexuality ignored or considered “dirty,” neglecting to give children basic information about sex or no opportunity to discuss sexual issues.

7. Daughters used as confidantes, perhaps with the father complaining to the daughter about the mother, and in fact the child may be used as the parent’s primary form of emotional support.

8. Children forced to be adults, especially daughters who “raised” siblings and children who are not allowed to be children themselves.

9. Children victimized in any way, which may include fondling, incest, neglect or verbal abuse.

10. Parent (often the father) addicted to prescription drugs, alcohol or street drugs.

11. Family members tend to ignore or deny negative emotions, often resulting in explosive anger, or anger and sadness never addressed, even to the point of covering up negative emotions just to please others.

12. Overuse of food for pleasure or reward, with food serving as the primary focus for pleasure and emphasis placed on sweets and rich desserts.

For your ongoing emotional growth and your permanent weight loss, it is important that you look at whether you have avoided — and may still be avoiding — intimacy on some level. Intimacy issues have interfered in your life and sabotaged your success at weight loss.

Now is the time to say, “I need help.”

There’s no point in blaming your past, your family, or even a former abuser, if any. You have simply had numerous unmet needs that you attempted to address through intimacy with food. Now you are moving away from such erroneous thinking and are moving toward joining the two percent of people who lose weight permanently.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “Developing Intimacy With People,” in Losing Weight Permanently by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Finding a Common Purpose With a Perfect God

Posted on April 9, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Intimacy is enhanced by experiencing a common purpose. People at odds with each other are rarely able to achieve true intimacy on a deep emotional level. So how do you find a common purpose? It is difficult enough with couples who truly love each other.

We are so different from God, how can we achieve a common purpose?

The answer is through Christ. Listen to Paul, “If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Philippians 2:1-2). Having the mind of Christ allows us to bridge the gap between our own wants and desires and the will of God.

Oh, we may want a common purpose with God, but often we ask God to agree to our purposes. Rick Warren says in the very beginning of his exceptional book, The Purpose Driven Life, “It’s not about you.” Finding a common purpose with God is all about God. You must trust him to know and understand the purposes that are perfectly suited for you. This requires obedience, an invaluable component of spiritual intimacy with God. Obedience keeps us in a love relationship with him. Jesus put it quite simply: “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15).

Does this mean that God no longer loves us when we are disobedient? Of course it doesn’t! What it does mean is that a continual, willful pattern of disobedience and disrespect is as harmful to your relationship with God as it would be to another person.

In Fresh Encounter, Henry Blackaby and Claude King deal with this concept of love and obedience. They write, “If you return to your first love, a love relationship with God, you will resolve the disobedience problem in your life.” Work on your loving relationship with God, and obedience will follow as a natural consequence.

We are not reaching for a perfect relationship with God; we’re reaching for a relationship with a perfect God. Don’t worry about trying to attain perfection; God’s already got that covered. Just work on getting to know and love him more each and every day. This spiritual intimacy will allow his Spirit to reach down into your deepest pain and bring healing to your life.

SOURCE: Chapter 6: “Spiritual Intimacy,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Want to Lose Weight? Increase Your Activity Level Just 10 Percent Each Month

Posted on April 1, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

People who lose weight permanently make small, daily steps toward their goal because they know that inch by inch, virtually anything is possible. Once you decide what your activity level will be, I encourage you to simply increase it by 10 percent per month. You’ll be amazed at your progress within only a few weeks.

Once you make this commitment to increase your activity level slowly and gently, you will find you’ve made a major paradigm shift from compulsive overexercising, where exercise is the master, to where you and you alone are in control. Once you decide which activity you choose to do, then you will do it, because you decided. If you do not enjoy it, your activity will become a duty, which will lead to guilt, depression, anger, and ultimately fear. And we are not into fear.

Try using the following affirmations by reading them aloud two to three times a day or more. They are your ticket to reshaping your mind-set as you reshape your body in a natural, pleasing, effective way.

AFFIRMATIONS

1. God made me an active and alive human being. I enthusiastically believe this as I enjoy my life to its fullest.

2. My body was created to move, not sit still. That’s why I engage in one activity at least 15 minutes a day. I am happy there are no rules for this activity.

3. I am excited about my balanced schedule of activity. I feel good about myself just knowing that I’m making progress.

4. I’m delighted that I can be active without weighing myself. The scale used to be my judge, jury, and executioner. Now I simply enjoy life.

5. I now know that permanent weight loss is an inside job. I make no demands of my exercise routine. It’s simply an important part of maintaining my emotionally healthy life.

6. I believe the words of the ancient prophet Jeremiah who said, “For I know the plans I have for you…they are plans for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope.” I believe this with all my heart and soul.

7. I have made a decision to join the growing ranks of people who lose weight permanently. I am increasing my activity level 10 percent each month, and my body is responding with a resounding THANK YOU!

8. My attitude is my choice. I can enjoy my daily activity for its sheer enjoyment. I am choosing a healthy positive attitude about my daily success.

People who lose weight permanently no longer spend their time thinking about food, their bodies, exercise, competition, or comparing their progress with others. Their new, liberated mind-set gives them — as it will give you — the time to do the really important things in life!

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “From Guilt Cycle to Bicycle,” in Losing Weight Permanently: Secrets of the 2 Percent Club by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How Brad Learned to SOAR: O is for Optimism

Posted on March 10, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Brad came to work with us at The Center as a young man in his twenties. He was struggling with self-esteem issues that translated into a dependence upon alcohol. Unable to hold a job, he continued to live at home, making constant demands upon his parents. These demands drained their emotional and financial resources and alienated him from the rest of his siblings. Everyone in the family, including extended family living nearby, seemed to have tried to help Brad but was burned in the process. Many family members had already given up on him, deeming him beyond help and not worth another chance. Others saw our mental health and chemical dependency treatment agency as his last chance.

We were able to address and treat Brad’s reliance upon alcohol as well as work with him to uncover the roots of his addiction. Brad’s answers and demeanor began to reveal that his drinking was fueled not by an attraction to alcohol but by repulsion from something else. Brad had turned to alcohol due to some pain he was attempting to self-medicate and numb. As we worked with him to dig deeper, we helped him discover how and when his world had turned upside down and he had lost his horizon line of hope.

Most people know the half empty/half full glass analogy. It goes something like this; when people look at a glass containing liquid up to the middle, some will see the glass as half empty and some will see the glass as half full. Those who see it as half empty are pessimists, and the half full people are optimists. I’ve used this analogy as a way to illustrate to clients how subtle perceptions can alter their worldview. When they look at the glass, they’re actually seeing their own reactions to life.

Now, when Brad’s parents looked at Brad, they expected to see a completely full glass. After all, they were prosperous, hard-working people themselves, and they could envision nothing less than a full glass for Brad at all times. Sometime around Brad’s early adolescence, however, his parents began to perceive that Brad’s glass was less than full, for he began to operate below their expectations. In their minds, they had worked hard to fill Brad’s glass all the way to the brim, and Brad kept behaving and performing in a way that made the contents of that full glass spill out. This produced feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment in his parents.

The only optimism they had for Brad’s future was centered not around what Brad was capable of achieving on his own but rather on what they had provided. He was expected to mirror their success — a success that mirrored their definition. Brad’s future was not really about him and actually about them.

Somewhere around 15 years of age, Brad decided he wasn’t capable — that his glass without his parents refilling it was actually completely empty. He turned to alcohol to stem the growing fear and anxiety of reaching adulthood.

Now, I believe that everyone is responsible for their own behavior, especially as they arrive at adulthood. In fact, the R in SOAR is all about responsibility. But as we identified this pattern of behavior between Brad and his parents, what became clear to me was their total lack of belief in a bright future for Brad — as Brad. He certainly didn’t have it, and neither did his parents.

The only thing the three seemed able to initially agree on was a paralyzing fear of what Brad’s future held.

Because of their own achievements, Brad’s parents couldn’t see the true horizon line when they looked at Brad. They kept looking inward at themselves and refused to see Brad for who he was. As his struggles with life increased in adolescence, they began to avoid really looking at Brad at all. It was too painful, for they truly loved their son, but when they looked at Brad’s failures, they caught a glimpse of their own.

What this family desperately needed was a restored vision of optimism and hope for the future. Brad’s parents needed to believe in God’s power to help Brad overcome his drinking. Brad needed to trust God’s plan for his life and stop fearing the future. They all needed to grasp God’s grace and learn to forgive each other. Fortunately, they’ve been able to heal and reestablish their relationships, but it took years of diverted time and energy to bring their family back on the right track.

I applaud your decision to put your energies into your family now!

SOURCE: Chapter 3, “O is for Optimism,” in Healthy Habits, Healthy Kid: A Practical Plan to Help Your Family by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Try On a New Sign, One That Reads “Valued By God”

Posted on February 5, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Have you seen them on the side of the road? On a freeway off-ramp or a city intersection?

They hold up handwritten signs: “Homeless — will work for food” or “Needy — please help.” In those few seconds, before you make the turn or the light changes, it’s easy to see just the sign, just the circumstances. But have you ever really stopped to look at their faces, or do you accept the sign at face value? It’s easy to identify them with their “condition” and whatever regrettable circumstances brought them begging for money and food.

It’s so sad what people are reduced to, you may think to yourself. God would agree.

Cathy wore her large sign at all time. It said “unworthy.” She’s been instructed to make and wear this sign growing up. In the midst of a household full of other children with a distant father and a controlling mother, Cathy was the “unworthy” child. Other children in the family were given signs such as “favored” or “accepted.” For reasons she could never quite grasp, which became irrelevant to her miserable situation, her mother singled Cathy out for disdain.

Meanwhile, her siblings became accustomed to their mother treating Cathy this way, and they accepted her sign as well. Terrified they should somehow end up with Cathy’s sign, they subtly reinforced her sign with their own behavior toward her. Cathy could never seem to do anything right or compensate for all the faults her mother found in her. It wasn’t, however, for lack of trying.

You see, Cathy accepted the sign and used it as motivation to try to please others, even as an adult.

Sin was an easy concept for Cathy. She was well prepared to understand herself as unworthy before God. The more she came to know Jesus, however, the greater the trouble she had with her sign. It chafed and felt uncomfortable. “But I am unworthy of you, Lord,” she would protest.

“Cathy,” God kept telling her, “you think the sign says ‘unworthy,’ but it really reads ‘worthless,’ and you are far from worthless.” Finally, Cathy understood the incredible value God placed upon her life and her soul.

Though it still feels odd, Cathy now displays her true sign: “Valued by God.”

SOURCE: Chapter 1: “Truth,” God Can Help You Heal by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Letting Go of Perfection, Yes Even “Perfect” Anger

Posted on January 19, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

Perfectionism can be a difficult mind-set to release because it can appear so right.

Attempting to achieve perfection can feel so righteous, as Paul talks about in Phillippians 3:9, speaking of his own quest. It can be tempting to forget the “therefore” and just seek to bring about the words of Jesus on your own: be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect. There’s just that problem of the “therefore.” Because of your imperfection, your attempts to attain perfection on your own will always be imperfect.

You may believe your anger is perfect; it may be the one thing you are absolutely sure about and, thus, unwilling to give up. This surety may allow you to feel justified in being angry and in determining how that anger is manifested in your life. But remember the caveat about your anger in James 1:19-20, where he says:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

Anger, no matter how right it feels, does not produce righteousness.

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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The Dishonest Standard of Perfection

Posted on January 18, 2010 by Dr. Jantz

When you use perfection as the standard by which you feel loved yourself or show love to others, this is a dishonest standard because it is impossible to attain. Leviticus 19:35 says, “Do not use dishonest standards when measuring length, weight or quantity” and Proverbs 11:1 says, “The Lord abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight.”

If God abhors — or hates — dishonest scales when used on things like wheat or oil, how much more will he abhor dishonest scales when they are used against those he loves?

Perfectionism is a dishonest standard used against you to withhold love and affection.

Perfectionism is a dishonest standard used by you to try to attain love and affection from others.

Perfectionism is a dishonest standard used by you to withhold your love and affection from others.

In any form, it must be jettisoned so that acceptance can do its work in your life.

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Category Archives: Perfection

The Young and the Restless: Physicality as the Road to Happiness

When Exercise is Exorcise: Carla’s Story

Families of Those With Eating Disorders: 12 Characteristics

Finding a Common Purpose With a Perfect God

Want to Lose Weight? Increase Your Activity Level Just 10 Percent Each Month

How Brad Learned to SOAR: O is for Optimism

Try On a New Sign, One That Reads “Valued By God”

Letting Go of Perfection, Yes Even “Perfect” Anger

The Dishonest Standard of Perfection

Testimonials

Financing

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