Archive for the ‘happiness’ Category

« Older Entries

How To Keep Your New Year’s Resolution

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

If you’re like me, you have a resolution or two for the New Year. Hopefully no more than that, though, as the fewer you have, the more likely you are to keep them. Beyond limiting the number of resolutions, what is your strategy for carrying these best of intentions into 2012? The video below explores this very subject, outlining some of the ways to increase your chances of success in the New Year.

How To Keep Your New Years Resolution VIDEO

For instance, try:

1) Focusing on sticking to the resolution for just 21 days. Once you reach that point, you have a 60 percent chance of maintaining the goal long-term.

2) Remembering it’s all about progress, not perfection.

3) Calling it an “intention” instead of a resolution, as so many of us unfortunately associate New Year’s “resolutions” with failure.

Yesterday I participated in a Twitter chat exploring this very subject. ABC News Medical Editor Dr. Richard Besser @DrRichardBesser had some other great suggestions. “Start small, make it convenient, make it social and make it fun,” he tweeted. “Persistence. You have to be persistent in what you want and keep at it. Eventually the good habits stay.”

What’s your strategy for keeping your New Year’s “Intention”?

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in happiness | No Comments »

Pursuing God Out of the Pit of Despair

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

On May 15, EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Happy for the Rest of Your Life. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from Chapter 2….

Happy are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

This beatitude is self-explanatory, and you can readily see how the pure in heart would be happy because they are able to see God. I get in my mind the picture of small, trusting children, whose innocence and purity allow them to comprehend God at a fundamental level. It becomes a little harder to see yourself, however, as that pure and trusting child. You’d love to be that child, but you left purity behind in your search for happiness awhile back. In fact, you exchanged some of your purity for a map to happiness that left you stuck in a decidedly unhappy place.

Children don’t make it into adulthood and retain their spiritual purity because of our sinful nature. When you read Scritpure, it’s hard for you to miss the point that sin has dire consequences. Occasionally, in your own life, I imagine you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you can skate above these consequences. But this delusion that the consequences of sin won’t surface to interfere with your life eventually cracks. When you live a life of active sin, you are skating on thin ice, which will break, plunging you into frigid and sometimes life-threatening circumstances.

People don’t generally come to see a person in my line of work (therapy) when all is going well. Instead, something is wrong, and they want help to fix it. Now, please don’t misunderstand me here; there are plenty of people who come to me for help who are in a difficult situation through no fault of their own. However, sin may still be an issue if their difficulties arise not from their own sin but from the sin of others: the sin of abandonment, neglect, abuse, selfishness, pride, favoritism, stubbornness, apathy, oppression, or evil intent. The sins of others have poisoned their lives and hearts, and they need help to detoxify, to heal and recover.

Now, there are some people who just seem to be naturally pure in heart. They are generous, forgiving, long-suffering, and patient, and they run far, far away from even the appearance of evil. You may look at them and think, “How can I be like that?” The apostle Paul, in a letter to Timothy, provides an answer: “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22). You’re back at the word pursue again, aren’t you? It all depends on what you’re pursuing and how you conduct your pursuit.

In my line of work, I’ve also seen a great many people who wind up in the pit of despair by jumping in feet-first themselves. No one pushed them in; they climbed down willingly, often on a misguided quest for happiness. Covered with the muck and stink of their current situation, they find themselves well removed from any sort of purity. They need help to extricate themselves from their pit. They want to leave their pit, but a small part of them doesn’t. They got into their pit for a reason in the first place, and leaving it is hard, even though they are tired of being trapped inside. I’ve seen so many people struggle to get out of some pretty horrific pits, only to become fearful and dive right back in.

This pit leaving is a process. It requires a refocused life, a life dedicated to pursuing righteousness, faith, love, and peace. This is how you get your purity back. Deep down, don’t you long to be that little child again, the one who was trusting and innocent, the one who was able to see God? You cry out, as David did in Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” David cried out this prayer after digging his own deep pit of adultery. God granted David’s prayer and renewed his heart David repented and acknowledged his sin.

Sin has consequences, and it stains you. If you give in to it, it blinds your ability to see God. If you give in to it, you will be unhappy, guaranteed. Sin needs to be called out for what it is, for the destructive force it is in your life, whether it is your own sin or the sin of others that has adversely affected you. When you reject and turn away from that sin and instead pursue God, you are cleansed and returned to your childlike state of being pure in heart. Your lives are redeemed from the pit (Psalm 103:4), and that’s a cause for happiness!

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Happy for the Rest of Your Life, happiness | No Comments »

Will You Take the Road Less Traveled By?

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

In this world of difficulty and doubt, of struggles and hardships, of compromises and second choices, of injustice and affliction, each person comes to a crossroads in life. There are two roads with signposts on each that say, “Way to Happiness.” On the one hand is the road championed by the world, which promises much and delivers little. This road is taken by a vast array of people who are tricked into believing the billboards along the way. Those inducements, even your own internal dialogue, for taking this road can be compelling because of all their glitzy promises. Instead of happiness, though, this road can lead to depression, anxiety, and addiction.

There is another choice, another road. However, this road can appear less attractive when compared with the first. Because of this, it is a road less traveled. This is the road of faith, which uses a cross for a talisman. It does not say, “Take this road to avoid your pain.” It says, “Take this road because you must give it up. The one appears all about pleasure. The other appears all about sacrifice. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to make the right choice.

American poet Robert Frost, in one of his most popular works, “The Road Not Taken,” illustrates the importance of the choices made in life in the last stanza of the poem:

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hences:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

In other words, you’ve come to a fork in the road — two paths promising to lead you to your desired destination. However, the one you choose may not be the most popular, but it may lead you to true happiness.

I guess what I want to leave you with is an exhortation to take the road less traveled because it will make all the difference. The world’s road eventually leads to a literal dead end. God’s road leads to eternity. Because it can be so difficult to choose the road less traveled, here are just a few things to remember as you stand at the crossroads each day:

  • Happiness is a response to life that comes from the inside of a person, not from outside circumstances.
  • Happiness is a gift from God, based upon His goodness and mercy apart from circumstances.
  • Depression isn’t something you live with; it’s something you get help for.
  • Worry and anxiety are a learned response to life that can be acknowledged, understood, and overcome.
  • Addictions both mask and amplify pain; they never heal it.
  • What you tell yourself becomes who you are, so be careful what you say.
  • Relationships are meant to support you, not drag you down.
  • Taking care of your body helps you take care of your heart, soul, and mind — all are used to love God.
  • Stop trying to control your own life, and start trusting God to get you where you need to go.

As you embrace this new way of thinking, living, and responding, may you, in the words of Paul, come “to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:18-19). May this overpower the strongholds of depression, anxiety, and addictions in your life. May this be a fountain of unending happiness, the reason for your optimism, the source of your hope, and the reservoir of your joy.

Father, there is nothing that You cannot do. I ask You to transform and renew each person who reads this, through the power of Your Spirit. Give each one strength to persevere and courage to continue each day. Help each one to grow and mature in their trust in You. Reveal in each life, in a unique and personal way, the happiness that is the desire of their hearts. Fill them up to the brim with this happiness, and allow them to overflow in joy to those around them. May each become a source of happiness and blessing in this world until He comes.

SOURCE: Afterword, “The Role of Joy in Being Happy,” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , ,
Posted in Addictions, Depression, God, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, happiness | No Comments »

The Role of Joy in Being Happy

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

A truly joyful, optimistic, positive person is wonderful to be around. Because they act in ways that are so contrary to how people usually handle situations, they are immediately noticeable. Others are aware that these people are different. In this way, God is glorified through your ability to exhibit joy in difficult circumstances. Your joy becomes a living testimony to others. You radiate out.

Usually when negative or pessimistic people suffer, they become incredibly inward focused. Their world shrinks and collapses in on itself, coalescing into a self-absorbed core. This core can become so dense with negativism and pain that other people get sucked in and depleted. Interacting with a pessimistic person who tends to always suffer from something can suck the joy right out of you if you’re not careful. Being around them makes you feel drained.

I have had the privilege to be around joyful, optimistic people who were undergoing hardship of incredible proportions. I have gone to visit them, fully intending to try, in some small way, to offer comfort and instead found myself receiving much more comfort. Here they are, in dire physical or circumstantial straights, and they end up doing more for me and my attitude than I ever did for them. Their complete reliance on God and the Holy Spirit to get them through the situation is crystal clear. I go to give them comfort, and they wind up giving me hope.

Their attitude is summed up for me in a passage from one of the minor prophets, Habakkuk. It’s a small book, only three chapters. Like Jeremiah, it was written at the time of the Babylonian invasion of Jerusalem. Like Job, it contains a series of conversations with God. Habakkuk doesn’t understand why God is working the way He is (using the Babylonians to punish Judah and Jerusalem), seeming to allow evil to oppress His people. In the end, Habakkuk comes to understand that God really does have the final say and will make sure justice prevails, even though it will not come about in Habakkuk’s lifetime.

At the end of the book, Habakkuk’s final words hauntingly echo in my heart as they speak to me of today’s hope anchored in tomorrow, of joy expressed defiant of circumstance, of optimism tightly grasped in trust:

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. ~Habakkuk 3:17-19

I don’t know what you personally are going through or what might have prompted you to pick up this book. If it was a time of prolonged sadness or tragedy, please know my heart goes out to you. And if it were only my heart I could give, frankly, it wouldn’t be enough. What I can offer you is to embrace the attitude of Habakkuk. Pray and ask God to empower you through His Spirit to experience joy within your situation. For God, nothing is impossible. The reality of this world is set; hardships and suffering are a given. God will not always remove the impossible situation from you, but He is always able to fill your heart with joy.

One way God can fill your heart with joy is through prayer, as you’ve read.

Being in constant communication with God, to receive His Spirit and perspective on life and what you’re going through, is integral to a life of joy. Another way to experience joy is through worship. This doesn’t necessarily mean only in a religious building or at a religious event. God is worshiped when you offer your life up to Him on a daily basis through the routine events of life. Worship focuses your attention on God and instills reverence and awe. In worship, you acknowledge God for who He is, in all of His attributes. This is the same God who loves you and has promised to care for you. When the world and its problems seem far too large for you to handle, prayer and worship to God can bring it back down to its proper size.

When the world and its negativity threaten to suck the joy right out of you, drawing near to God can cause it to flood back into your life. When the road of life gets bumpy, joy acts like spiritual shock absorbers and allows you to still enjoy the ride.

SOURCE: Chapter 12, “The Role of Joy in Being Happy,” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in God, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, happiness | No Comments »

The Role of Hope In Being Happy

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

Hope isn’t really a happy emotion. Hope is not necessarily a giddy, bubbly, effervescent, here-and-now emotion. It’s something much more complex, a response firmly based in the certainty of an unseen future. The dictionary defines hope as expecting with confidence. The verb expecting clearly indicates the outcome is in the future. Because the outcome lies in the future, it is not visible in the present.

Romans 8:24 says, “But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?” Hope is expecting with confidence something you can’t see yet. It’s a bit like the explanation of faith in Hebrews 11:1: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Hope, then, is not a reaction based upon an experienced present but a response based upon an expected future. In this way, hope is like delayed gratification. You may not be experiencing in the present what you want, but you respond to those circumstances based upon what you expect to come to pass in the future. You expect to experience gratification, understanding it’s not going to come instantly but rather at some point in the future. You are willing to wait because you expect with confidence that waiting will prove beneficial. In the same way, when things aren’t going the way you want, you have to be willing to hope.

Hope, like delayed gratification, is a mature response to life. Listen to the progression, the maturation process:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ~Romans 5:3-5

In some ways, hope has its most important work as a response to problems and struggles. Hope is the watchword of Old Testament people like Job and Jeremiah, and of David. Each of them experienced hope in the most profound way during times of great distress and personal turmoil.

It is hope, perhaps, most of all, that anchors you deep into the positive and allows you to weather times of drought and storm.

The Book of Job is one of unremitting suffering. God allows Satan to remove from Job all of the things in this life you would normally ascribe to being happy: wealth, possessions, and family. In the span of a single day, all of that is wiped out. What is Job’s response to this utter destruction of his livelihood and his children?

According to Job 1:20-21, he worshiped and praised God, saying, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” This is an amazing, mature response to calamity!

The Book of Jeremiah is one of calamity and destruction. It outlines the destruction of Judah by the Babylonians. Jeremiah prophesied about this destruction. He repeatedly tries to alert the people and various kings to the coming catastrophe, but to no avail. It is a book filled with despair and destruction. Yet, it is also a book of hope and future, as Jeremiah 29:11 (my theme verse) says: ” ‘For I now the plans I have for you,’ declaresthe Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ” Even in the midst of destruction, God was already promising His future restoration to Jeremiah.

Jeremiah goes on to write the Book of Lamentations, a poetic recitation of the destruction of Jerusalem. Do you remember the verses I mentioned earlier from Lamentations? “I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail” (Lamentations 3:20-22). Jeremiah could look around him, in the face of a vast array of destruction, and have hope. so, what was Jeremiah hoping for?

David was annointed by God to be the king of Israel. When you think of a king, you probably think of palaces and power, feasting and fealty. That’s not exactly what David experienced. When God chose David to be king, there was already a king in Israel named Saul. Saul, needless to say, wasn’t thrilled about the change in leadership. His response? He set out to hunt David down and kill him. This failed, of course, and David was eventually declared king over Israel. It lasted a little while; long enough for his own sons to grow and rise up against him.

David spent a great deal of his time hiding out, running from enemies, and dodging assassination attempts. Being persecuted in this way could have caused David to be a very pessimistic person. Yet, David writes beautifully of his hope in the psalms: May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and diswgrace. But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more” (Psalm 71:13-14).

David, Jeremiah, and Job all chose to hope for God to provide a positive future.

Hope is not a rejection of your present circumstance. On the contrary, it is an acceptance of it. For example, this is what is said of Abraham, concerning God’s promise that he would have a child in his old age: “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, ‘So shall your offspring be.’ Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his  body was as good as dead — since he was about a hundred years old — and that Sarah’s womb was also dead” (Romans 4:18-19).

I really like that verse.

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. Without weakening his faith, he faced the rality of his situation and still chose hope. Again, hope is not a rejection of your present circumstances. Paradoxically, as God often works, hope is strengthened in its quality by your present, hopeless circumstances. After all, if the outcome was something you could see or already had, it wouldn’t be hope, would it?

SOURCE: Chapter 11, “The Role of Hope in Being Happy,” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Bible, God, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, happiness | No Comments »

Merry Christmas In the Name of God We Trust

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Inherent in our celebration of the birth of Christ is our celebration of the Holy Father. God goes by many names, all of which imply the same – unconditional love, of course, but also our unwavering trust.

Webster’s Dictionary defines trust in the following ways: “1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; b: one in which confidence is placed. In order to obey what God tells you to do, you need to be able to place your confidence in Him. That confidence is based upon His character, ability, strength, and truth.

God’s character is clearly shown through the names He gives Himself. These are descriptors of His character. Regent University has a wonderful website at www.bible.org that outlines the names of God. They are:

  • Elohim – This is the plural version of the term El, which means “strong one,” and refers to majesty. It is plural, signifying the truine nature of God.
  • El Shaddai – “God Almighty.” God is almighty, or as Luke 1:37 says, “Nothing is impossible with God.”
  • El Elyon – “The Most High God,” stressing God’s strength, sovereignty, and supremacy.
  • El Olam – “The everlasting God.” God does not change, nor does He wear out.
  • Yahweh Jireh – “The Lord will provide.” Note it doesn’t say might or could or may provide; it says will.
  • Yahweh Nissi – “The Lord is my banner.” This signifies God as leading the charge in battle and providing victory.
  • Yahweh Shalom – “The Lord is peace.” This peace is global and personal (Isaiah 26:12).
  • Yahweb Sabbaoth – “The Lord of hosts.” God is the commander of the heavenly armies; He has spiritual resources at His command.
  • Yahweb Maccadeshcem – “The Lord your sanctifier.” God has sanctified you; He has set you apart for His purposes.
  • Yahweb Ro’i – “The Lord my shepherd.” (See Psalm 23, one of the most beautiful poems ever written.)
  • Yahweh Tsidkenu – “The Lord our righteousness.” God provides what you and I are unable to provide on our own.
  • Yahweb Shammah – “The Lord is there,” signifying God’s personal presence. HE is not a way-out-there, disconnected deity; He is there with you.
  • Yahweb Elohim Israel – “The Lord, the God of Israel.” You are included as a spiritual descendent of Israel.
  • Adonai – “Master, authority, provider.” This is also in the plural form, signifying God’s truine friendship.
  • Thoes – “God.” This is a Greek word, identifying God as the one true God, as unique, as transcendent, as Savior.
  • Kurios – “Lord.” Another Greek word, signifying authority and supremacy.
  • Despotes – “Master,” with the connotation of ownership. First Corinthians 6:20 and 7:23 remind you that you were bought with a price and are not your own.
  • Father – I thought it was interesting that this form of the word is found only 15 times in the Old Testament but 245 times in the New Testament. Whatever else and whoever else God is, He is your heavenly Father.

Put all of these together, then, and this is who you are being called to place your confidence, your trust, in. What better place can you think of in which to place your trust?

According to the dictionary definition of trust given earlier, God has the character, ability, strength, and truth to be worthy of your trust. There is, however, a secondary definition I’d like to explore. It is “dependence on something future or contingent.”

Hebrews 12:2 says, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  ”For the joy set before him” points to this shading of definition for the word trust. Jesus endured because He was absolutely sure of and dependent upon something in the future, that joy. Jesus trusted God for what had not yet occurred. This future joy tomorrow helped Jesus endure today.

In the same way, you can trust God not only for what He can do for you today but also for what He will do for you tomorrow and into eternity. If all of this sounds too good to be true, too much like an evangelical infomercial, let me just say a couple of things.

First, I agree, it does sound too good to be true. However, God is truth, so while it is entirely too good for the likes of me (and you, if I may be so bold), it is true. You can count on it; you can trust in God.

Secondly, it becomes easier to understand and accept if you’ll concentrate on the last word of the names of God, one of the two I added.

Concentrate on God as love. God is trustworthy with your life and future and happiness because He loves you. He has demonstrated that love to you in the most graphic way possible – by sacrificing His one and only Son in your place so you can be made righteous and able to enter into intimate fellowship with this amazing, all-powerful, almighty, loving Father.

Remember, it’s not about you; it’s about God. You can trust Him because He has put in motion this eon-spanning, intricate, creative plan to outwit evil and death, slavery and bondage, sin and torment. All you have to do in response is give up control, listen and pay attention, obey and trust.

SOURCE: Chapter 9, “God As Your Navigator (Spiritual),” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in God, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, happiness | No Comments »

Are You Treating God Like a GPS Unit?

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Have you ever gotten lost, thrown up your hands, and wondered aloud, “Where in the world am I?”

Many people have discovered the wonders of a Global Positioning System, or GPS. In my line of work, it’s amazing how many people don’t know exactly where they are, metaphorically speaking. It’s impossible for them to get where they’re going, because they have no real inkling of where they are in the first place. They need, for their personal, emotional and spiritual lives, a way to navigate.

Now, a GPS is a relatively new marvel; God has been providing this service to people for millenia.

I’ve known several people over the course of my professional career who wanted to treat God just like a GPS unit. I’ve done so myself. I want God, like a GPS unit, to tell me how to get to my desired intentions. I’ve gotten myself lost, in a mess, and realized I need help to find my way out. So I called out to God — as my spiritual GPS — and asked Him to help me get to where I really wanted to go.

Of course, I didn’t ask Him if my intended destination was any better than my current one. I didn’t really want His opinion; I just wanted His help and divine power to get me out of my jam. I just wanted to be able to input my own data and with His help arrive at my chosen destination.

It’s something akin to the God-as-Santa-Claus syndrome. All I wanted to do was tell Him what I wanted and for Him to miraculoulsy provide it. I wanted His provision, not His perspective. This is God as device not diety, as servant not sovereign. This puts me firmly in control, and then I wonder why things don’t turn out and I’m not very happy.

In the depths of my despair and need, I call out to God, delineating in detail the best way to solve my problem, and then I wonder why God and His (my) solutions don’t appear as a genie from a bottle. This isn’t spirituality; it’s fantasy. It’s not biblical; it’s delusional, to say nothing of disrespectful, disobedient, and rebellious.

God is not really just a spiritual GPS device. It’s not His job to get me out of my messes. He can and will because He loves me, but He was not created for me. I was created for Him. In the powerful words of Rick Warren in The Purpose-Driven Life, it’s not about me. In the same way, it’s not about you.

When God is truly your spiritual navigator, you may drive the car, but He is in charge of the direction you’re not thrilled to be taking. With God as your spiritual navigator, it’s not about you. Instead, you need to give up control, listen to God, do what He tells you, and trust Him to make it all come out OK in the end.

SOURCE: Chapter 9, “God As Your Navigator (Spiritual),” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in God, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, Prayer, happiness | No Comments »

Are You Tuned In To Negativity?

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

That background drumbeat of negativism in your head wasn’t recorded overnight. Instead, it’s a compilation of messages you’ve herad, impressions and impacts you’ve assimilated, and conclusions you’ve reached over the course of your life. It’s like a top-40 countdown, except these aren’t the best songs you’ve ever heard; they’re the worst.

These messages have the ability to overpower the positive things you feel and that happen in your life by the sheer momentum of their negativity. These messages have created a well-worn groove in your mind, allowing them easy access to your subconscious and conscious thoughts, where they color how you feel about yourself and think about what happens to you.

Amy grew up in a household where the “noticed” child became the target of verbal and emotional abuse by an angry father.

 The way to survive growing up in Amy’s home was to be unnoticed. Blanket pronouncements of incompetence and worthlessess were common. Amy grew up hearing she wasn’t good enough, wouldn’t amount to anything, couldn’t do anything well enough, and wasn’t pretty enough to be of much use to anyone.

If she did well at school, Amy’s father said it was because the teachers were stupid. He was always right in his pronouncements. Any arguments to the contrary were quickly and vehemently countered, with sarcasm, insults, and threats.

Amy learned to keep her mouth shut, to hide what she was doing, hide who she was, and lay low. She distrusted attention and accolades, convinced she’d gotten away with something whenever anything good happened. She tried extremely hard to do everything right so that nothing could be held against her, all the while fearing she wasn’t up to the task.

When positive things happened at work, they were a source of anxiety and fear instead of satisfaction and celebration. If Amy could have picked out her “Top 40,” to Name That Tune, her list would have looked something like this:

  • I learned no matter what, I’m just not good enough
  • I learned to to become resigned to failure
  • I learned I am the problem
  • I learned what I do is never good enough
  • I learned the thoughts of others are more important than my own
  • I learned the lesson of my own inadequacy
  • I learned to wrap my pain in shame and hide it away

Of course, Amy had never stopped long enough to really listen to what she was telling herself. This self-dialogue was so ingrained in her that Amy stopped recognizing it years ago. These “lessons” formed the framework for how she interpreted the world and provided reasons why bad things happend to her. They warned her not to expect good things, and Amy considered them protective, so she wouldn’t get hurt when things didn’t turn out like she wanted. As far as Amy was concerned, it was better to be resigned than rejected.

I’ve known many people like Amy over the years.

These are well-meaning, good people who developed some pretty elaborate coping skills in order to survive and make sense of difficult circumstances. Because the negative messages they carry inside them are so deep seated, it isn’t always an easy or comfortable process to uncover their true meanings and influence. It requires courage, commitment, and a safe environment where truth is honored and supported.

What does your Top 40 look like?

SOURCE: Chapter 6, “Choose Your Station Wisely (Emotional),” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: ,
Posted in Happy for the Rest of Your Life, Self-Esteem, happiness | No Comments »

Following Your Faith on the Road Less Traveled

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

In this world of difficulty and doubt, of struggles and hardships, of compromises and second choices, of injustice and affliction, each person comes to a crossroads in life.

There are two roads with signposts on each that say, “Way to Happiness.”

On the one hand is the road championed by the world, which promises much and delivers little. This road is taken by a vast array of people who are tricked into believing the billboards along the way. Those inducements, even your own internal dialogue, for taking this road can be compelling because of all of their glitzy promises. Instead of happiness, though, this road can lead to depression, anxiety and addiction.

There is another choice, another road. However, this road can appear less attractive when compared with the first. Because of this, it is a road less traveled. This is the road of faith, which uses a cross for a talisman. It does not say, “Take this road to avoid your pain.” The one road promises you’ll be in control. The other says you must give it up. The one appears all about pleasure. The other appears all about sacrifice. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to make the right choice.

American poet Robert Frost, in one of his most popular works, “The Road Not Taken,” illustrates the importance of the choices made in life in the last stanza of the poem:

“I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

In other words, you’ve come to a fork in the road — two paths promising to lead you to your desired destination. However, the one you choose may not be the most popular, but it may lead you to true happiness.

I guess what I want to leave you with is an exhortation to take the road less traveled because it will make all the difference. The world’s road eventually leads to a literal dead end. God’s road leads to eternity. Because it can be so difficult to choose the road less traveled, here are just a few things to remember as you stand at the crossroads each day:

- Happiness is a response to life that comes from the inside of a person, not from outside circumstances.

-Happines is a gift from God, based upon His goodness and mercy apart from circumstances.

- Depression isn’t something you live with; it’s something you get help for.

- Worry and anxiety are a learned response to life that can be acknowledged, understood, and overcome.

- Addictions both mask and amplify pain; they never heal it.

- What you tell yourself becomes who you are, so be careful what you say.

- Relationships are meant to support you, not drag you down.

- Taking care of your body helps you take care of your heart, soul, and mind — all are used to love God.

- Stop trying to control your own life, and start trusting in God to get you where you need to go.

- An attitude of optimism is a choice.

- Hope is a response based on an expected future, not a reaction to an experienced present.

- Joy is the spark that uses the tinder of optimism to ignite the fuel of hope.

- Even if happiness isn’t a path you’ve taken before or it seems artificial or unamiliar, go down the path anyway, taking baby steps.

- Each day presents you with a new opportunity to be happy.

- Each failure today points the way to success tomorrow.

- Sometimes the clearest lesson you receive today is confirmation of where you don’t want to go tomorrow.

- Don’t let anything get in the way of getting the help you need. Ask…expect…act.

- Don’t wait on others to hand you happiness; take hold of it yourself.

As you embrace this new way of thinking, living, and responding, may you, in the words of Paul, come “to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:18-19). May this overpower the strongholds of depression, anxiety, and addictions in your life. May this be a fountain of unending happiness. the reason for your optimism, the source of your hope, and the reservoir of your joy.

SOURCE: Afterword, “The Road Less Traveled,” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Addictions, Depression, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, happiness | No Comments »

Pick a Card, Any (Credit) Card: Materialism as the Road to Happiness

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

I don’t know about you, but I am really tired of going through my mail. Every day it seems I get at least one offer from some company for a credit card. If I wanted to, I could be in debt up to my eyeballs. All I’d have to do is say “yes” to every offer and then charge up each card to its limit. Granted, I could buy some really great stuff. I just love electronic gadgets, so Best Buy and Circuit City could come to know be by my first name if I was so inclined.

Of course, I’m not so inclined. I’ve worked hard to build up my business and my good credit, and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize that. However, I’ve known quite a few people who don’t have that same reticence. For them, another credit card means more things; more things mean more things to make them happy. Happiness, for them, is not a pursuit but a purchase, even if they don’t have the money.

On the other hand I’ve known a few people who actually do have the money. So, they use that money to buy and spend and consume, with each purchase hoping they’ll fel better about life, about themselves. These people have a hole, a rather large, expensive hold, being filled with things.

Happiness isn’t so much a destination as it is a filling up of that void in their lives. Cram enough furnishings, cars, trips, jewelry, gadgets, toys, and clothing into the hold, and certainly someday it will be all filled up. There’s just one problem: the hole isn’t sealed at the bottom. Instead, whatever is packed in eventually seeps out the bottom through use, disappointment, or disinterest. Luckily though, through the media, they’re kept up to date on the next great thing that will, surely this time, pack in the hole.

SOURCE: Chapter 1, “Detours On the Road to Happiness,” in Happy for the Rest of Your Life by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Happy for the Rest of Your Life, happiness | No Comments »

« Older Entries