Archive for the ‘Anger’ Category

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Saying Goodbye to Anger

Friday, January 29th, 2010

In this my final blog post in a series of excerpts from my new book, Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger, I would like to leave you with some final thoughts from the last chapter, “Relying on the Power of God”:

Serving your anger has brought you pain, resentment, bitterness, and sorrow. God promises to give you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

God is the better master.

If your anger springs from an injustice, an evil, a wrong against you, God will repay.

If your anger springs from unrealistic expectations and wishful thinking, God will renew your mind to see, understand, and appreciate the truth.

If your anger springs from guilt, shame, and fear, God will heal those wounds and replace them with peace, acceptance, and courage.

If your anger is so deeply engrained you can hardly tell where it comes from anymore, God will gently work the truth up to the surface so you can deal with it and move beyond.

If your anger is all you feel you have left in this world, God will open up your eyes to his endless promises and possibilities for your life.

All you need to do to start down this path is to believe.

All you need to do to continue down this path is to act on your belief:

  • Start small
  • Be intentional
  • Be alert to yourself
  • Really listen to what you say to yourself and to others
  • When you need to be angry, use God as your punching bag
  • When you find yourself angry over the things God is angry about, pray and give it over to him since he’s got it anyway
  • Actively invite and nurture positive thoughts and feelings
  • Practice an attitude of gratitude about life and other people
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff
  • Forgive the big stuff
  • Leave room for God’s wrath
  • Actively and intentionally replace love for anger

More than anything else, open your heart and mind to God and his transforming power. Be patient but purposeful in your pursuit of love. Be patient with others; be patient with yourself.

Wait upon the Lord, and he will renew your strength.

SOURCE: Chapter 12: “Relying on the Power of God” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Living a Full Life: Embracing Optimism, Hope and Joy

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

When you intentionally grab hold of and fill your mind with good things like optimism, hope, and joy instead of bad things like anger and bitterness, you are able to change the content of your life. This can be a wonderful and frightening prospect. It is wonderful to consider being different from who you’ve been. It can also be frightening if you aren’t sure if this new person you’ll become will be safe.

Anger, rage, bitterness, and resentment are powerful and can take over who you are. They can warp who you are. They can become who you are and overshadow how you feel. Again, what kind of person do you really want to be?

Jesus said in Luke:

No good trees bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. ~Luke 6:43-45

SOURCE: Chapter 11: “Living the Power of Optimism, Hope, and Joy” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How to Forgive Without Forgetting

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Gina could hear the frustration in her sister’s voice, mixed with incredulity and a dash of betrayal. “I don’t understand how you can stand to be around her! How can you forget what she was like growing up?”

“I haven’t forgotten what she was like,” Gina replied. “I’ve forgiven her for what she was like.” It wasn’t the first time Gina and her sister had replayed this conversation. It seemed to surface after major holidays. Patricia refused to engage in anything more than a yearly cursory visit while Gina made a point to spend time with their mother. Patricia clearly couldn’t stand to be around her mother for longer than was absolutely necessary, and she didn’t understand how Gina could. More than once, Patricia implied that Gina was taking sides against her and for their mother.

“Even if I could let go of the past, she’s still the same old Mom,” said Patricia, “negative, judgmental, and critical. She drives me nuts!”

“Once I forgave her,” Gina responded, “it took away a lot of her power to ‘drive me nuts.’ I’m not mad at her anymore over the past, so when she starts into that behavior now, I’m able to set really good boundaries.”

“How do you forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it?” Patricia asked.

“I can forgive her,” said Gina, “because it’s really my decision, not hers. I need to forgive her more than she wants to be forgiven. I just didn’t want to live with all that anger and bitterness inside anymore. The only way to let it go was to forgive.”

Some things cannot be mitigated. They cannot be fixed. They cannot be removed. They can only be forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a strategic, purposeful response to pain and injury — one that can be acted on even if you don’t feel like it. For some things, only the healing waters of forgiveness have the power to douse the flames of anger. Extending forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet, it brings you closer to the character of God.

SOURCE: Chapter 10: “Experiencing the Power of Forgiveness” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Why Accepting the Truth Takes Time: A Miracle of God

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Arriving at truth is a process, especially the more deeply you hurt. It isn’t something that can be rushed. It rarely comes neatly packaged in a single revelation.

It can be difficult to wait, especially when you’re in pain. You may want God to produce an instant miracle. You may want to be at the point of acceptance right now, immediately. But if the change were instantaneous, would it alter the substance of the miracle? Could it be that God’s miracle is changing you not merely on the surface but all the way down throughout your being?

Think about the miracle of a new life. It isn’t instantaneous, although God could certainly have made it that way. Instead life happens over time, as each part is woven together inside the womb, as Psalm 139 so beautifully depicts.

Think about the miracle of aging. People aren’t born adults, they are born as babies who age and grow and mature. Again, it’s a process.

Think about the miracle of spiritual rebirth. It is a process of renewal that Paul talks about in Romans 12:2. God is the God of miracle, but he is also the God of process, and sometimes it’s impossible to separate the two. Perhaps it’s because you and I would fail to fully understand and appreciate certain miracles if they happened too fast. Process allows for reflection and time to think and appreciate.

I say all of this to help you consider that the very act of acceptance is one that will take time. It is unrealistic of you to expect God to zap you into acceptance in the blink of an eye. It is unfair to expect yourself to fast-forward through this process as you learn to accept the truth of your life. This is because some hurts are deeper and more impacting than others. Your focus should not be on the time it is taking but rather on the progress you are making. Don’t doubt the process.

Trust that God is at work within you (Phil. 2:13; Eph. 3:20), bringing you to a knowledge of the truth (1 Tim. 2:4).

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How Women Anger Differently than Men: “Talking It Over” with Me and Janet Parshall

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

If you’ve been following this blog or my Twitter and Facebook pages you know my focus over the past couple of months has been on the subject of anger management — specifically anger management for women. So I am excited to announce that this Saturday, January 23, Janet Parshall is welcoming me as a guest to discuss this very subject on her syndicated radio show, “Talking It Over,” which airs on 1,100 radio stations nationwide.

What I have discovered in my work at The Center is that both hidden and vented anger lie at the heart of numerous challenges women face on a daily basis, from stress and depression, to addictions and eating disorders. In fact, it is such a prevalent problem that I devoted an entire book to the subject, Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger, with stories and research from which I will draw for Saturday’s show.

“Talking It Over” is a 2-hour program that examines today’s most pressing issues from a biblical perspective.

I’ll be talking with Janet the first 60 minutes of the show specifically about:

  • How women deal with anger differently than men
  • How women can discover and address the roots causes of anger
  • How anger contributes to unfulfilled desires among women

Pastor Bill Perkins will talk with Janet the second half of the show, focused on:

  • How you can be a good man and still get angry
  • How mens’ core issues differ from womens’
  • How we can take a cue from scripture and “be slow to anger”

You can listen live to “Talking It Over” on Saturday at 9 am (PT).

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Letting Go of Perfection, Yes Even “Perfect” Anger

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Perfectionism can be a difficult mind-set to release because it can appear so right.

Attempting to achieve perfection can feel so righteous, as Paul talks about in Phillippians 3:9, speaking of his own quest. It can be tempting to forget the “therefore” and just seek to bring about the words of Jesus on your own: be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect. There’s just that problem of the “therefore.” Because of your imperfection, your attempts to attain perfection on your own will always be imperfect.

You may believe your anger is perfect; it may be the one thing you are absolutely sure about and, thus, unwilling to give up. This surety may allow you to feel justified in being angry and in determining how that anger is manifested in your life.  But remember the caveat about your anger in James 1:19-20, where he says:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

Anger, no matter how right it feels, does not produce righteousness.

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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The Dishonest Standard of Perfection

Monday, January 18th, 2010

When you use perfection as the standard by which you feel loved yourself or show love to others, this is a dishonest standard because it is impossible to attain. Leviticus 19:35 says, “Do not use dishonest standards when measuring length, weight or quantity” and Proverbs 11:1 says, “The Lord abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight.”

If God abhors — or hates — dishonest scales when used on things like wheat or oil, how much more will he abhor dishonest scales when they are used against those he loves?

Perfectionism is a dishonest standard used against you to withhold love and affection.

Perfectionism is a dishonest standard used by you to try to attain love and affection from others.

Perfectionism is a dishonest standard used by you to withhold your love and affection from others.

In any form, it must be jettisoned so that acceptance can do its work in your life.

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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God’s Perfect Truth: He Loves Your Imperfection

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Perfectionism is not truth. Perfectionism inhibits the surface of your life to accept the truth. This perfectionism can be applied to your entire life or just a sheltered part of it.

As a Christian, you may have been brought up under the notion, either overtly presented or implied, that in order to be acceptable to God and to others you needed to be perfect or at least as close to perfect as you could possibly get. This is called “conditional love” and is a damaging form of emotional abuse. It can be couched in biblical clothing, but it hides a deception.

Your desire for your life or some aspect of it to be “perfect” may appear to flood your life with meaning and purpose. Don’t buy into this deception; just because something is pronounced as scriptural doesn’t always mean it is. As 2 Corinthians 11:14 cautions, even Satan masquerades as an angel of light. Again, you must look at the nature of God and what you know of his character to interpret this concept of being worthy and being perfect.

In Matthew 5:48, in the middle of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says this:

“Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

I believe many people misunderstand this verse because they overlook one word — therefore. This statement is a conclusion, based on all that Jesus has said up to this point. Jesus has been comparing what people normally do to God’s standard for living, for acting and loving. Quite naturally, the standard people have comes woefully short. The conclusion, therefore, is to go with God’s standard; to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

This is God’s standard, however, but it is not the threshold. It is the standard God wants you to live by, but it is not the threshold of his love. God does not wait until you are perfect before he loves you. Romans 5:8 speaks directly to this lie of perfectionism:

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we are still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Or, put in a different way, “But God demonstrates his own love for you in this: Even though you’re not perfect, Christ died for you.” Love is the threshold; love is the motivation, not being perfect.

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Acceptance is a Two-Way Street

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Acceptance is an interesting word. It involves both the act of accepting as well as the fact of being accepted. In this way, it’s kind of a two-way street.

One of the corollary definitions of accepting is “to be able or designed to take hold, as in something added or applied, like a surface that will not accept ink.” This is another two-way street. On the one hand is the surface and on the other hand is the ink. Acceptance happens when the first is primed to consent to the second.

I remember watching a master artisan create an ink drawing on fine linen paper.

There was something spare yet elegant in the careful brushstrokes from which a blooming branch took shape. It was as if the paper itself was hungry to accept and drink in the ink that forever altered its surface. The artisan knew how much ink to put on the brush and how long to rest the brush on the paper, mindful of how much ink would be absorbed. The gentle precision was impressive and the drawing that resulted simply beautiful.

I think God is like that master artisan.

The surface is your sense of self, and the ink is the truth of your life. Only when you learn to accept and drink in the truth will you become who God wants you to be. In order to accept yourself, to display the vital characteristic of self-acceptance, you must be able to take and hold the truth when it is applied to your life. As the definition says, I believe God has designed you to be able to do just that.

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing YourAnger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Learning the Power of Acceptance

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Many women live their whole lives trying to be someone they’re not, trying desperately to hide who they are — or who they think they are. Sandra was one of them, a woman whose story illustrates the tremendous power in knowing who you are and accepting who you are.

Sandra checked over her figures three times, but the answer was still the same. Inside, she felt that familiar feeling of dread rise up from the bottom of her fear. She’d made a mistake. There was no other way to put it. And now she knew there was no other way to deal with it.

In the past, Sandra would have been in full panic mode by now. She would have looked for ways to pretend the mistake didn’t exist. She would have devised an elaborate scaffold to camouflage and conceal the mistake. All the while, she would have lived in fear of discovery, terrified of her mistake and angry at herself for making it. Not anymore.

Calm down, Sandra, she told herself. You’re not expected to be perfect. What you are expected to do is report problems when you find them. The error is not your mistake; the error would be not to report it. It’s all right. Just get up and do the right thing.

Taking her worksheet with her, she went down the hall to her supervisor’s office. Just tell the truth she counseled herself as she knocked twice on the door. It’s going to be fine.

SOURCE: Chapter 9: “Learning the Power of Acceptance” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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