Archive for the ‘abuse’ Category

How We Perpetuate Emotional Abuse

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

Bill and his wife, Margaret, brought to our counseling center their teenage son, Kevin, who was becoming increasingly rebellious and hard to control. He was throwing things around in his room, staying out late with friends whom Bill did not accept, and coming home drunk. After running out of options, and on the advice of their son’s school, they sought professional help to sort out their differences.

Bill was convinced that a therapist would tell Kevin to clean up his act, learn to behave responsibly as a near-adult, and stop engaging in his destructive, disobedient behavior of staying out late and partying. Bill believed that a professional would help Kevin jettison his childish behavior and learn to accept the realities of the adult world.

Bill thought the therapist would deal only with Kevin’s behavior. He’d pretty much had enough of trying to talk to his son. Their talks always seemed to end with them yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. Bill was determined to bring Kevin’s behavior under control, and Kevin was just as determined not to be ruled by his father anymore. Bill was looking to the therapist to provide weight and a second opinion to his attempts to reason with Kevin. Bill had prepared himself for being told about all the problems Kevin had. Although they would be difficult to face, these problems were a fact of their life. They had to be faced squarely and dealt with in an adult and responsible way.

Instead, Bill was challenged by Kevin’s therapist to take a hard look at the way he was treating his son and the messages he was transferring to him. Bill had to turn his view around from the adult he expected Kevin to be to the child Kevin actually was.
Bill discovered that Kevin really did want to please him but felt he never could hit the mark. Frustrated after years of trying unsuccessfully, Kevin not only had given up but in anger had rebelled against everything he knew his dad wanted him to be. Bill learned that the anger Kevin was feeling had been brought on by a deep sense of loss that he could never gain his father’s approval.

Kevin discovered that Bill really did love him – so much so that he wanted him to be perfect so that nothing bad would ever happen to him, and so that if it did, he would be tough enough to handle it. Kevin learned that Bill was raising him just the way Bill himself had been raised.

Bill realized how powerful his words and messages were in Kevin’s life and how much Kevin needed positive, affirmative messages from his dad in order to grow and function. Bill learned it was okay to show Kevin his love, his fears, his hopes, his emotions.

Kevin learned to begin to trust his dad.

As with other types of abuse, emotional abuse can be self-perpetuating. You accept the abuse, deny its impact, and ignore your inner self so much that, if you are not alert and careful, you end up continuing the cycle within your own relationships. Either you again take up the role of the abused in your new relationship or you switch roles and become the abuser.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 2 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

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Emotional Abuse: The Goal of Control

Friday, January 27th, 2012

Not all relationships are perfect, and people say or do things in anger that they regret later. But if those things are a pattern, and if they are used to degrade and control, no matter how subtle they may seem or how much the other person tells you they are really for “your own good,” in truth they are abuse . You may be asking yourself, “Where does constructive criticism end and abuse take over?”

Emotional abuse by itself or used in conjunction with physical or sexual abuse is easily recognizable if you know what to look for. Many types of emotional abuse will take the form of a message – the spoken and unspoken messages of your self-identity and self-esteem. These messages, either positive or negative, have become incorporated into how you feel about yourself.

Whether you were emotionally abused as a child or an adult, the messages were meant to belittle, devalue, shame, and ultimately control. Additionally, if those messages were given by the very people you looked to for love and guidance, the very one whose opinions you trusted, they have been given the appearance of validity and have added weight.

Emotional abusers have very select ways they use to control those they are abusing. The messages may differ slightly, but the ultimate goal of emotional abuse is control. By controlling those around them, abusers are attempting to control their circumstances and situations. By belittling those around them, abusers are attempting to make themselves feel better
The tragedy is that while sometimes these abusers are aware of what they are doing, often they are not. A habit of abuse has become a life pattern that is so comfortable, so normal for them, that they have stopped questioning the reasons behind their words and actions. As is so often the case in abuse, many abusers have a history of abuse in their own past and are acting out behavior that seems normal to them.

Whether it is a long-term abusive relationship or a onetime traumatic event of rejection that created a later resentment and unresolved anger, it is still damaging. It is vital that you identify it and learn how to deal with its consequences.

Acknowledging and becoming aware of abusive patterns in your life will lead to healing and the recovery process.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 1 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

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Paying Attention to the Emotional Abuse of Neglect

Monday, March 14th, 2011

Tomorrow EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 6, “Emotional Abuse Through Neglect”….

None of us likes to be ignored, treated as if we simply aren’t important enough to notice. The person who has suffered this type of emotional abuse is saddled with the realization that his or her presence doesn’t even cause a ripple in the world of the abuser. What is so damaging is that usually the abuser is someone from whom the person desperately wants to receive love and attention.

Children know and understand that the things with which adults concern themselves are important. When parents are involved in the life of their child, they communicate to the child that he or she is important. When parents fail to become involved, they communicate to the child a sense of rejection.

The tragedy of emotional abuse through neglect is that it can take place in homes where physical needs are met, even extravagantly met. Children need more than food on the table and a roof over their heads. They are designed to need nurturing physical and emotional emotional relationships with their parents. When emotional needs are not met, children have difficulty progressing developmentally. It is as if they become “stuck” at a certain stage and progression is retarded. Emotionally neglected children are so hungry for emotional attachment that they may cling to strangers or other adults, displaying little natural caution around people they don’t know.

In my work with eating disorders, I found a tie between disordered eating and childhood emotional neglect. Food or control of food becomes a substitute relationship for the one missing; it becomes friend, comforter, lover. This is often tied to unusual comforting behaviors, such as head banging, biting, scratching, or cutting. So fundamental is an emotional bond for connection, comfort, and stability that neglected children turn to inappropriate, damaging behaviors as a way to substitute and cope.

Neglect may be found in the:

  • MIA parent who emotionally and physically abandons his or her responsibility as a parent
  • Distant caregiver who is physically present but emotionally distant and withdrawn from his or her children
  • Emotionally detached parent who provides for his or her children in every way except for emotional bonding and attachment

If neglect or abandonment has depleted your emotional life, it is possible to restore emotional strength. You do so by believing and internalizing the following truths:

I have value because God has given it to me.

Through the mistreatment of others, I have developed a faulty sense of self. I accept this truth and am learning more about who I really am and who I am meant to be every day.

My self-respect and innate dignity are a gift from God that can never be taken away.

I am learning to treat myself with dignity and respect, even if others have not done so in the past.

I am no longer a victim. Today I celebrate being a victor!

SOURCE: Chapter 6, “Emotional Abuse Through Neglect,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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Emotional Abuse In Action

Friday, February 25th, 2011

On March 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 5, “Emotional Abuse Through Actions”….

Emotional abuse can come not only through words but also through the actions that accompany those words, such as physical intimidation, manipulation, and physical threats. Emotional abusers who use actions as well as words increase their arsenal of ways to manipulate and control. They attempt to control not only behavior but circumstances as well.

Tragically, emotional abuse through actions can result in domestic violence or physical abuse. But this is not always the case, and severe emotional abuse can occur without the abuser ever laying a hand on the abused. The abuser may lash out at objects or smash possession out of rage. The abuser may withhold needed items or resources dispassionately out of cold calculation. In every incident of physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse is present. Emotional abuse, however, can be present without overt physical harm. Yet danger lies in the escalating nature of emotional abuse. If someone is accustomed to abusing you emotionally, physical abuse is never far away.

When emotionally abusive words and actions are combined, they reinforce each other, crushing one’s sense of self. That is why it is so important to counter this abuse with affirming words and actions. In our relationships with others and ourselves, our words and actions are meant to build us up, not tear us down.

Watch out for these patterns among emotional abusers:

The commander in chief, seeking to control all aspects of the relationship through an unhealthy use of authority (or perceived authority)

The ventaholic, constantly viewing actions by others as a threat, in turn responding with bouts of rage

The intimidator, attempting to control the behavior of others through use of verbal or nonverbal threats

The roller coaster, with up-and-down mood swings decimating any sense of consistency and security

The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, putting on a false face in public and an abusive one in private

The illusionist, maintaining an illusion of self in order to deny his or her true nature

The person who plays favorites, failing to provide a level playing field in regard to love of others

The role reverser, whose own sense of need causes basic relationships to be turned upside down

The empty promiser, taking advantage of the needs of others by giving a promise her or she never really intends to keep

The wrath-of-God abuser, using the Bible to hit other people over the head

As you look over this list, are you able to identify people in your past or present who manifest these characteristics? If so…

  • Which characteristics have had the most impact on your life? H0w have they impacted you?
  • What did each one of these types teach you about the world and how it works?
  • What truths do you still find hard to believe today because of the abusive words and actions of others?
  • What negative messages do you still carry around today because of the abusive words and actions of others?

Seeing through the double blind of negative words and actions can be difficult. While you mourn the truth of yesterday, don’t forget to acknowledge the hope that lies in today and tomorrow.

Take out a sheet of paper and write down three strong affirmations about yourself.  These can be something about who you are as a person, or they can be affirmations about your commitment to move beyond your abuse. Every time you feel burdened to experience or relive the abuse you have endured, take out these words and remember your commitment to hope. By repeating them to yourself daily, you can begin to rewrite those negative messages from your past.

SOURCE: Chapter 5, “Emotional Abuse Through Actions,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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Is There an Emotional Abuser in YOUR Life?

Friday, February 18th, 2011

On March 15th EatingDisorderHope.com is giving away 10 copies of my book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. (To enter the drawing, click here.)  For a preview of what to expect, here’s an excerpt from chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words”….

Conventional wisdom may teach that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” but we know better. We know that words have the power to hurt or help, wound or heal. God, who spoke the first word, reveals this clearly through Scripture, where words are compared to everything from sharp swords to smooth oil, from being harsh to being sweet as honey.

As we think about the power words have had in our own lives, let’s first take a look at God’s truth about the power of words.

Psalm 55:21 speaks of how people can say one thing with their mouths but mean something completely different in their hearts: “His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords” (NASB). This is so true when pronouncements of comfort and love are in word only and are followed by deeds that testify to anything but.

In Psalm 57:4 King David articulates the plight of those who are trapped under the influence of verbal abuse when he says, “I am in the midst of lions; I live among ravenous beasts – men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.” This is especially haunting to me, as I have heard these thoughts and fears expressed by verbally abused children. These children and adult children truly feel devoured in spirit by the verbal abuse suffered – sadly, too often by those given to them by God with the charge to love and protect them.

Psalm 64:2-3 reveals the power of words and the true nature behind the motivation to harm with words: “Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the noisy crowd of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows.”

In the hands of the wicked, words become the weapons they use to launch harm against another.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Verbal emotional abuse is the harsh use of the words that produces anger. It is this built-up , unresolved anger that festers inside a person, damaging self-esteem and poising relationships.

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” When honest affection and love are expressed through words, they bathe the soul in comfort. This comfort is desperately needed in this world and in all our relationships – and it is what emotional abuse utterly destroys.

While each person is different, there are several distinct methods the emotional abuser can use to dispense his or her abuse. It may be a single form or a combination of forms; however, most are recognizable:

  • The overbearing opinion – whose intensity of opinion overshadows everyone else
  • The person who is always right – who turns the words “I told you so” into a verbal indictment
  • The judge and the jury – who reserves the right to pronounce judgment on all actions on any given day in any given mood
  • The put-down artist - who uses words to crush the spirits of others
  • The stand-up comic – who laughs at you, not with you, and encourages others to do the same
  • The great guilt-giver - who burdens others with false guilt for all of his or her own problems
  • The preacher - who has a long-winded sermon, full of fire and brimstone, for ever occasion
  • The historian - who has a photographic memory for the lapses of others but a blind eye to his or her own shortcomings
  • The silent treatment abuser – who transmits volumes of negative thoughts without saying a word

The words and phrases we use are very important, as is the way they are delivered. Yet often we are the most careless with this vital form of communication. Now take some time to consider the type of communication you have with other people in your life:

1. As you think over your life, how have words been used as weapons against you?

2. Have you experienced a time when the words of another were “softer than oil” but ended up wounding you deeply, as with a sword?

3. In reading over the different types of verbal abusers, did one or more stand out to you? If so, why?

4. Were you able to identify yourself in any of these examples?

5. Do you have patterns of speech you’d like to change?

6. Identify the main types of verbal abusers you have dealt with.

7. What effect did their words have on you?

8. How do you feel about them today?

9. What lies have you believed because of their abuse? Be specific.

It’s time to begin to reclaim the truth and put the lies to rest. As you think about the lies you have believed, think about the truth. What is the truth about you?

Most of the time, words roll off our tongues without our thinking much about them. It’s time to consider our words carefully – what we say and how we say it. Perhaps the Golden Rule has no greater application than in the realm of communication. Internalize this statement: “I will strive to speak to other people the way I wish to be spoken to – with kindness, respect, and consideration.”

SOURCE: Chapter 4, “Emotional Abuse Through Words,” in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

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Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse [TESTIMONIAL]

Saturday, August 7th, 2010

I recently received a touching testimonial from a woman who found help from Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse, a book I wrote several years ago, and revised last year. In her testimonial, she expressed a desire to help others who have suffered similar pain.

With her permission, I am sharing her story, in her words, below:

I filed for separation from my husband. There was verbal abuse, lack of empathy, stonewalling, and plenty of other warning signs. I was able to see abusive patterns that I had grew up with from my step-dad. He raised me from the age of 5 years. When I was 11 his job had him gone all week, I was left at home alone with my invalid grandfather who was in his 80’s. I was beginning to see the emotional damage that those actions might have caused me.

The step-dad was very verbally abusive. Calling me stupid, yelling at me, ignoring me, and put-downs.

I married at age 17. Now I can see that I did that to get away from the abuse. The first marriage lasted 14 years. Looking back now I cannot remember much detail of the bad. I do know it is there because when I remarried I had to go through this huge custody trial. In that trial, the ex-husband was vicious. It was a yearlong litigation. Any time I had to talk to him in that first year I would get triggered, my body would get heated and I would freeze. Which tells me that I had a history with this man that was negative. Within that yearlong trial, I healed and did not get intimidated by his threats and games any longer. I started to see him as an irritation and insecure to act that way.

Therefore, after I was having a hard time in this second marriage, I started to think that I was repeating my past. However, this time I chose somebody whom was worse to the extreme. It was a big burden to feel the guilt that I did not see a pattern. The treatment from the second husband was so much worse.

After four years of couples counseling, one separation, and a lot of pain, one day at counseling I mentioned to the therapist that I tried an idea. My husband works from home and some of the ideas why he was getting upset with me could have been that I was trying to interact when he was focused. I knew that this seemed off. One day I went a whole day without talking to him. The next day I did try to interact. He blew up. At counseling I mentioned this; that it was any time I would try to talk to him. I asked her what this problem was. She leaned over and gently told him that she has seen Asperger traits in him!

Whew, I did go through the emotions of healing. Finally it had a name. I was then able to take a load off my shoulders and let go of the guilt for thinking I was living in a generational cycle. It was a hard thing to go through which for a while made me angry at what I endured, then I thought of how it brought me through the deepest deep and made me look at my past.

I have been separated from my husband for 9 months now. He has since been officially diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I have done a great deal of healing. I am attending school working towards becoming a Registered Dietician. That is another thing to be thankful for – that the abuse and stress that goes with it pushed me to learn how to take care of myself with nutrition, diet, and exercise. I got into reading self-help books from Gottman, Dr. Weil, Dr. Mark Hyman and Dr. Amen. I found my passion for health. I knew that I was at risk if I drank to hide from my problems. I have several siblings who have heart problems, diabetes, and addictions from not coping with their problems. I made it through!

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Your Relationship With Food: Facing the Truth

Thursday, April 29th, 2010

A brilliant woman pianist once gave an intimate performance for a group of society women in the sun-drenched library of a country estate. Later, while dessert was being served, a guest approached the pianist, gushing, “I would give anything in the world to play as you play.”

The virtuoso looked at the woman for a moment and said, “I’m sorry madam, but I don’t think you would.”

Red-faced, but undaunted, the guest tried again, quietly this time, “But really, I truly would give anything to play the piano with the skill that you do.”

The pianist, realizing she had not successfully made her point, said “No, my dear, I’m afraid you really wouldn’t. If you would, you might play better than I, at least equally as well. Yes, you’d give anything except your time, the one thing it takes to be good. You wouldn’t sit on a bench practicing hour after hour, day after day, while your friends were out having fun, enjoying parties such as this and otherwise getting on with their lives.”

Then she smiled.

“I hope you understand that I’m not criticizing you. I don’t even know you. I’m just telling you when you say you’d give anything to play the piano as I do, that in your heart of hearts, you don’t really mean it. You really don’t mean it at all.”

That story is about one very honest woman. The talented pianist knew that in music only a few succeed at what they attempt, even though most will say they want to be great, famous, well paid, and acknowledged with their name ablaze in lights. But in reality, only the dedicated few will realize that dream. Likewise, among those who try to lose weight permanently, only a few succeed. But with practice, discipline, and dedication, those few can include you.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

One of the primary ways you will lose weight permanently is by consciously disconnecting food and its associations from all forms of abuse that may have occurred in your life. As you read this, you may say, “I’ve never been abused sexually, physically, or emotionally, so this doesn’t apply to me.” You may be right, or you may be engaging in some form of denial. That is for you to discover as we go along.

Or you may say, “There really may be something to this idea that past experiences keep me going to food for comfort, and I’m willing to take a long look at my past to check out the connection.”

Or you may say, “I know that my eating problems are intricately connected to the deep hurts of my past. I am finally willing to engage in the battle where  it actually exists: in my mind.”

No matter how you respond to this message, you need to know you are not alone in your struggle. At times you may feel as if your picture would be next to the definition of loneliness in the dictionary, but not only do you have friends like me who are on your side; you also have a loving heavenly Father. You may have thought you were doing a solo performance as you engaged in your silent, compulsive behaviors, but guess what? You were not alone then and you are not alone now. Even more important, you are no longer addressing the symptoms of your problem as you’ve done in the past. You are now choosing to deal with the issues that really matter.

SOURCE: Chapter 8, “Eating Problems and Their Link to Abuse,” in Losing Weight Permanently by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Families of Those With Eating Disorders: 12 Characteristics

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

We often think we cannot live without the ingrained patterns of our past — whether they be good or bad, positive or negative. But people who lose weight permanently know that if they are to grow in every area of their lives they must look at every area 0f their lives.

The following are characteristics of families of those with food-related problems:

1. Perfectionistic, including high expectations from the father, either verbal or nonverbal. This most often applies to the first-born.

2. Mother frequently dieted, accompanied by an over-emphasis on weight and appearance, compulsive dieting and fasting, diarrhetic use or laxative use.

3. Father distant, fueling an intense desire to to please the father who is typically emotionally unavailable.

4. Parent (0ften the mother) is co-dependent, often denying her own needs and assuming responsibility for everyone else.

5. Rigid discipline with severe punishment, including guilt and shame used as motivation, and perhaps humiliating or hurtful punishment.

6. Sexuality ignored or considered “dirty,” neglecting to give children basic information about sex or no opportunity to discuss sexual issues.

7. Daughters used as confidantes, perhaps with the father complaining to the daughter about the mother, and in fact the child may be used as the parent’s primary form of emotional support.

8. Children forced to be adults, especially daughters who “raised” siblings and children who are not allowed to be children themselves.

9. Children victimized in any way, which may include fondling, incest, neglect or verbal abuse.

10. Parent (often the father) addicted to prescription drugs, alcohol or street drugs.

11. Family members tend to ignore or deny negative emotions, often resulting in explosive anger, or anger and sadness never addressed, even to the point of covering up negative emotions just to please others.

12. Overuse of food for pleasure or reward, with food serving as the primary focus for pleasure and emphasis placed on sweets and rich desserts.

For your ongoing emotional growth and your permanent weight loss, it is important that you look at whether you have avoided — and may still be avoiding — intimacy on some level. Intimacy issues have interfered in your life and sabotaged your success at weight loss.

Now is the time to say, “I need help.”

There’s no point in blaming your past, your family, or even a former abuser, if any. You have simply had numerous unmet needs that you attempted to address through intimacy with food. Now you are moving away from such erroneous thinking and are moving toward joining the two percent of people who lose weight permanently.

SOURCE: Chapter 7, “Developing Intimacy With People,” in Losing Weight Permanently by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Validating the Pain Behind Your Eating Disorder: Accept the Past, Heal Today

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Instead of denying the pain behind your eating disorder, you can learn to accept it. And what better time than now, during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week when I am blogging excerpts from my book, Hope, Help and Healing for Eating Disorders: A Whole-Person Approach to Anorexia, Bulimia and Overeating:

It is possible to replace your faulty coping mechanism with healthy skills for withstanding the stress of life.

It is possible to feel anger without feeling rage.

Through counseling, you can learn to understand and accept your childhood and its pain. If you can weather the storm of finally learning the truth and giving up your ideal image of the “perfect” family, your pain and hurt can become like parts of a puzzle, fitting into place and giving you greater understanding of why your parents do what they do. Once you understand the way, you can begin the process of filling in the void in your life with healthy choices: with laughter and love, with family and friends, with good things, and with God.

Verbal and/or emotional abuse leaves no visible scars, so the tendency to deny that these events happened can be very great.

Often the parent will remember the circumstances from a very different perspective than the child. Your child-self recalls one version of events, and your parent another. Which is right? They may both be. When you were a child, you remembered things from the perspective of a child, often unaware of the larger picture. Your parents may never have considered how their actions looked from the other side. Take that into consideration when examining the past. You will need to accept their vision of what happened, and they must accept yours.

Finding the truth and working with your family will not be easy, but it can be extremely illuminating and rewarding. It can mean the reconciliation of relationships. Or you can gain an understanding of the type of relationship you can realistically have with your family as an adult. Much will depend upon the hurtful behavior and that person’s willingness to accept your pain.

Egregious physical or sexual abuse, by its very nature, may lead to outright denial by the abuser.

The more valid the memory, the more vehement the denial. Because societal and religious condemnation of such acts is so great, the person who abused you may never truly admit what he or she has done. The abuser may believe that if the abuse is denied outright, you may begin to doubt that it occurred at all. In spite of this, you need to realize you were hurt. Sometimes it really doesn’t matter if memories are totally clear or recalled; you still felt hurt.

The next point is so important, I want to put it in bold type to make sure you don’t overlook it:

Your self-destructive behavior did not come about for no reason. Most people who develop a severe eating disorder have had some history of abuse, and I encourage you to believe in what your past reveals. You must be determined to examine your past and accept the truth that is revealed. You must take the truth of your past and put it into perspective as an adult.

Don’t allow denial, your own or others, to halt your journey toward healing and recovery  from your eating disorder.

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