Judy was ready for a fight. She had prepared. All her ammunition was stacked up and ready to be fired. The powder was primed and just looking for a spark to set it off. She had had a bad day at work. She had gained three pounds ove the past week without eating anything wrong. Besides, she had the perfect excuse – her period was only a few days away. Tense and angry, she felt ripe to explode.

A couple of days earlier, Judy’s husband had made an offhand remark about a dress she was wearing looking a little tight. Granted, she had asked him what he thought of it. Ever since, she had been stewing about his answer.

When he walked in the door from working outside, she hit him full blast. “Get those muddy shoes off my clean carpet this minute!” Jumping back as if stung, her husband looked down at his footprints, barey visible on the rug.

“Aw, come on, Judy; it’s not so bad. Here, I’ll take them off for you.”

“You never care about the house! All the work I do around here you just take for granted!”

“I always tell you how nice the house is!” her husband replied, confused.

“Oh yeah? When was the last time?”

“I don’t remember every single time I say something nice to you.”

Judy followed, relentless in her hanger, sensing she was gaining the historical upper hand.

“Well, I remember every mean thing you’ve said or done to me over the past ten years!”

“You remember everything!” her husband fired back. “It doesn’t matter how insignificant, or how much I said I was sorry, or how much you provoked me. I don’t even remember saying or doing half of what you said I did!”

“Are you saying I’m lying?” Judy demanded, full of righteous indignation. Direct hit.

“No!” her husband protested, angry and confused.

It seemed to turn out like this every time they fought. He would get so turned around he couldn’t even remember why the argument had started in the first place. All he could remember was the sickening feeling of dealing with Judy in one of her rages. He felt lost and out of his element.

Historians are a This Is Your Life nightmare. They are people who, like Judy, remember every bad thing you have ever done or they think you have done. With computer accuracy, all your bad moments are logged and recorded to be brought up in full detail at any future time the historian deems appropriate.

Historians’ view of the past is decidedly one-sided. They never seem to remember their own faults or mistakes with the same clarity they recall yours. If you bring up one event in your defense, they can come with a multitude of others to bury it in a verbal barrage.

This type of emotional abuse is dangerous because historians seem to be presenting facts. They back up those facts with details: dates, places, and actual conversations. It is easy to become overwhelmed with the information and give in to the demands of this type of abuser. But often the “facts” being presented are actually the abuser’s opinion of what you said and why.

In healthy relationships, the positive and happy memories are those that survive. The others are dealt with and forgiven, and the relationship is allowed to continue on. Each of us makes mistakes on a daily basis. If these mistakes were merely piled up on top of each other, they would soon bury us. Historians can’t forgive and forget nor do they want us to. Their manipulation of the past helps them to control people in their present and future.

Emotional abuse is often associated with depression. If you think you may need depression help, take our depression survey.

The above is excerpted from chapter 4 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

For guilt-givers, the most important person in the world is the one on whom they heap their guilt. Without you, they would be responsible for their own failures. For whatever reason, life hasn’t turned out like they wanted it to. But instead of being realistic about their goals and their own part in fulfilling them, they have chosen to shift responsibility from themselves onto you. The load of their guilt is so crushing to them that they habitually shift some of it onto you. Faced with accepting responsibility themselves or harming you, they choose the latter – emotional abuse that is damaging to both them and you.

Without you, there would be no one to draw recompense from. With you feeling guilty and at fault, there is always a way for you to “make it up” to the person you have “harmed.” Maybe it’s by never leaving them to form other relationships. Maybe it’s always being there to do that errand, pay that bill, or take care of whatever problem arises. After all, it really is your fault that they find themselves in such a mess in the first place. The least you can do is fix it for them.

Healthy guilt causes us to evaluate our actions and respond accordingly. Every one of us is guilty of some wrong behavior within a relationship. We’re human – we make mistakes. True guilt is the response. It causes us to feel sorry for what we have done, accept responsibility for the damage, and do what we can to repair it.

Guilt-givers do not use true guilt. By manipulating the facts, they produce false guilt. The guilt is false because it is based on false information. This false guilt is slippery. Because it has no basis in the truth, the reasons behind it can be altered by the abuser. If one reason stops working, another one can be substituted – whatever it takes to produce the desired guilt reaction. True guilt, one the other hand, can be met head-on, dealt with, worked through, and forgiven.

The above is excerpted from chapter 4 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

All of her life, Carrie moved within the shadow of her mother’s opinions. Nothing was ever significant enough for her mother to be neutral about. From the temperature of the room to the volume of the television to the position of the chair, Carrie’s mother altered her surroundings to fit her preferences. Other people simply were not consulted.

As a child, Carrie soon learned that it did no good to argue or attempt to explain her own opinions to her mother. Carrie felt her mother just wasn’t interested in what she thought. Depending on her mother’s mood, confronting her could bring disastrous consequences. It simply wasn’t worth the risk, not for Carrie or for anyone else in the family for that matter.

Resigned to always keep her opinion to herself, Carrie discovered as an adult that she had a hard time making decisions. Distrusting her own opinions, she would often look to someone else, a dominant personality, to validate her own thoughts and decisions. As a child, Carrie had learned she wasn’t a competent judge.

I once saw a sign that read, “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, as long as it agrees with mine!” This is the essence of the overbearing opinion. The sign I saw was in jest, but for the emotional abuser, this is a life statement. It defines how he or she views the world and everyone else in it.

Healthy discussion, on the other hand, allows for the expression of a variety of opinions on any given subject. Few things can be said to be black or white in reality. Most opinions are very personal and are derived through experiences, knowledge, and personal preferences. Because individuals are unique, the opinions they arrive at will necessarily be different. This brings variety, contrast, and flexibility, all of which enhance healthy relationships.

We communicate through facts, opinions, and feelings. Facts are jus that – indisputable segments of reality. “The sun is out, the sky is blue, and the birds are singing” could be facts about a day in the park. We also communicate through opinions. “It certainly is crowded here today” and “This is the best park in the city for taking a walk” are opinions based on experiences, knowledge, and personal preference. Finally, we communicate our feelings. “It makes me happy to see the ducks swim in the pond” and “I love to walk in the grass without my shoes on” are statements of feelings.

Statements of fact, the first example, rarely come under dispute. But opinions and feelings, the second and third examples, are subjective observations. They are personal perspectives on the day in the park.

The abuser with the overbearing opinion restricts the flow of free expression, treating his or her opinions and feelings as if they were as incontrovertible as facts. The personality of the abuser is superimposed onto the abuse, stifling the abused’s ability to bloom on his or her own. This robs the abused of the experience of trial and error, of exploring his or her own thoughts, likes, and dislikes.

Healthy give-and-take in relationships allows for an honest, gentle exchange of feelings and opinions. But when opinions or feelings are forced on us, we resist and often rebel. Not only are we not allowed to have our own thoughts, but we are forced to accept unfamiliar or unshared ones.

The above is excerpted from chapter 4 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

It seems that some people have an uncanny ability to attract the “wrong” kind of people in relationships. I have heard clients describe themselves as having a “radar” whereby the wrong kind of people seemed to be able to pick them out in a crowd. Why, they want to know, do I always seem to attract someone who is going to hurt me? The answer to that question too often lies in a pattern of emotional abuse.

Someone who has been emotionally battered as a child often chooses to enter into abusive relationships as an adult. These can be platonic or work relationships, but most often they are “love” relationships. Some are looking to try to “rewrite” the past by forcing an abusive person to change and actually love them. This compensates for the pain of a past relationship in which change never occurred. Some are subconsciously seeking an abusive relationship in the present to mirror an abusive relationship in the past. Some are so beaten down by the emotional abuse in their past that they are convinced that an abusive relationship in the future is the most they can ever hope for – at least it’s a relationship. Some look for a relationship in which they can assume the role of the abuser as a way to vent their rage at being victimized in the past.

Whatever the reason, one of the most common consequences of emotional abuse in the past is an unhealthy relationship in the present.

In a way, some people do emit a sort of relational radar by broadcasting in subtle ways their willingness to enter into an abusive relationship. Those who are abusers and are looking to abuse in a relationship know how to ensnare someone who has been damaged by emotional abuse. The abuser will initially lavish attention and affection on the person, carefully avoiding the presentation of his or her true, cruel nature. Only after snagging the person with the bait of care and concern will the abuser begin to show the depth of his or her true abusive nature. If the person responds by remaining in the relationship, the hook is set and it becomes difficult and painful to leave. It takes great courage to admit that you have made a mistake in love and to end an abusive relationship when you have been emotionally compromised by abuse in the past.

Emotional abuse is often associated with depression. If you think you may need depression help, take our depression survey.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 3 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

It is said that depression is only anger turned inward. Emotionally abused people often given up on emotions, since emotions have proven to be so damaging. They have been beaten down by the emotions of others and struck through the heart by their own emotions in response. No safety, just anger, fear, shame, and guilt. Perhaps, they think, if I punish myself there will be no need to be punished by others. Or, I’m only getting what I really deserve.

It takes a great deal of energy to deal with emotional abuse and stay buoyant. Each emotional assault takes its toll on that store of energy. Some people simply run out of strength to climb the mound of abuse heaped upon them. When that happens, they slip into the pit of depression. Unable to escape from anger, fear, shame, and guilt, they attempt to shut down all of their emotions. With no visible way out, they curl into themselves, isolating themselves from others and imploding their world.

Here are the signs and symptoms of depression as outlined by the National Institutes of Mental Health:

- persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood

- feelings of hopelessness, pessimism

- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness

- loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities

- decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”

- difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions

- appetite and/or weight changes

- thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts

- restlessness, irritability

- persistent physical symptoms

If you believe you may need depression help, take our depression survey, and know there is hope. I know because I’ve been through the valley myself.

The above is excerpted from Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse and Overcoming Anxiety, Worry and Fear by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

Emotional abuse is so damaging because it outlives its own life span. Not only does it damage a person’s self-esteem at the time it is done, it also sets up a life pattern that daily assaults the inner being. Present events and relationships are filtered through the negative messages and events of the past. Behavior is unknowingly modified to produce results consistent with the established life pattern. Through continued emotional assault, even a healthy life pattern can be subverted by an abusive one.

Damaging Effects of Emotional Abuse

• When you view life as unstable, anxiety, tension, and fear result.
• When you are constantly vigilant to the behavior of others, hypersensitivity and hostility result.
• When you learn to second-guess yourself, confusion and feelings of disconnection result.
• When nothing you do ever seems to be right, insecurity, guilt, and shame result.
• When others tell you that you are always wrong, indecision and inaction result.
• When you stop having the energy to fight it all, apathy and depression result.
• When you have finally had it, rage results.
• When you never seem to receive fairness, justice is all you think about.
• When you have been hurt by those you love, love is viewed as a risk.
• When living is painful, addictions are acceptable because they numb the pain.
• When the mind is a jumble of emotional chaos, the body and its systems break down.
• When your inner turmoil produces outer stress, your current relationships are endangered.
• When you can’t control your negative emotions, you become the very person you hate.

So don’t ever let anyone tell you that emotional abuse isn’t damaging.

Affirmation Statement: My victory comes by building my self-esteem higher than the effects of emotional abuse. I confirm that each day I will rise above the abuse and choose actions that show I am able to love myself.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 3 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

Bill and his wife, Margaret, brought to our counseling center their teenage son, Kevin, who was becoming increasingly rebellious and hard to control. He was throwing things around in his room, staying out late with friends whom Bill did not accept, and coming home drunk. After running out of options, and on the advice of their son’s school, they sought professional help to sort out their differences.

Bill was convinced that a therapist would tell Kevin to clean up his act, learn to behave responsibly as a near-adult, and stop engaging in his destructive, disobedient behavior of staying out late and partying. Bill believed that a professional would help Kevin jettison his childish behavior and learn to accept the realities of the adult world.

Bill thought the therapist would deal only with Kevin’s behavior. He’d pretty much had enough of trying to talk to his son. Their talks always seemed to end with them yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. Bill was determined to bring Kevin’s behavior under control, and Kevin was just as determined not to be ruled by his father anymore. Bill was looking to the therapist to provide weight and a second opinion to his attempts to reason with Kevin. Bill had prepared himself for being told about all the problems Kevin had. Although they would be difficult to face, these problems were a fact of their life. They had to be faced squarely and dealt with in an adult and responsible way.

Instead, Bill was challenged by Kevin’s therapist to take a hard look at the way he was treating his son and the messages he was transferring to him. Bill had to turn his view around from the adult he expected Kevin to be to the child Kevin actually was.
Bill discovered that Kevin really did want to please him but felt he never could hit the mark. Frustrated after years of trying unsuccessfully, Kevin not only had given up but in anger had rebelled against everything he knew his dad wanted him to be. Bill learned that the anger Kevin was feeling had been brought on by a deep sense of loss that he could never gain his father’s approval.

Kevin discovered that Bill really did love him – so much so that he wanted him to be perfect so that nothing bad would ever happen to him, and so that if it did, he would be tough enough to handle it. Kevin learned that Bill was raising him just the way Bill himself had been raised.

Bill realized how powerful his words and messages were in Kevin’s life and how much Kevin needed positive, affirmative messages from his dad in order to grow and function. Bill learned it was okay to show Kevin his love, his fears, his hopes, his emotions.

Kevin learned to begin to trust his dad.

As with other types of abuse, emotional abuse can be self-perpetuating. You accept the abuse, deny its impact, and ignore your inner self so much that, if you are not alert and careful, you end up continuing the cycle within your own relationships. Either you again take up the role of the abused in your new relationship or you switch roles and become the abuser.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 2 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

Not all relationships are perfect, and people say or do things in anger that they regret later. But if those things are a pattern, and if they are used to degrade and control, no matter how subtle they may seem or how much the other person tells you they are really for “your own good,” in truth they are abuse . You may be asking yourself, “Where does constructive criticism end and abuse take over?”

Emotional abuse by itself or used in conjunction with physical or sexual abuse is easily recognizable if you know what to look for. Many types of emotional abuse will take the form of a message – the spoken and unspoken messages of your self-identity and self-esteem. These messages, either positive or negative, have become incorporated into how you feel about yourself.

Whether you were emotionally abused as a child or an adult, the messages were meant to belittle, devalue, shame, and ultimately control. Additionally, if those messages were given by the very people you looked to for love and guidance, the very one whose opinions you trusted, they have been given the appearance of validity and have added weight.

Emotional abusers have very select ways they use to control those they are abusing. The messages may differ slightly, but the ultimate goal of emotional abuse is control. By controlling those around them, abusers are attempting to control their circumstances and situations. By belittling those around them, abusers are attempting to make themselves feel better
The tragedy is that while sometimes these abusers are aware of what they are doing, often they are not. A habit of abuse has become a life pattern that is so comfortable, so normal for them, that they have stopped questioning the reasons behind their words and actions. As is so often the case in abuse, many abusers have a history of abuse in their own past and are acting out behavior that seems normal to them.

Whether it is a long-term abusive relationship or a onetime traumatic event of rejection that created a later resentment and unresolved anger, it is still damaging. It is vital that you identify it and learn how to deal with its consequences.

Acknowledging and becoming aware of abusive patterns in your life will lead to healing and the recovery process.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 1 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.