Archive for January, 2012

Emotional Abuse: The Goal of Control

Friday, January 27th, 2012

Not all relationships are perfect, and people say or do things in anger that they regret later. But if those things are a pattern, and if they are used to degrade and control, no matter how subtle they may seem or how much the other person tells you they are really for “your own good,” in truth they are abuse . You may be asking yourself, “Where does constructive criticism end and abuse take over?”

Emotional abuse by itself or used in conjunction with physical or sexual abuse is easily recognizable if you know what to look for. Many types of emotional abuse will take the form of a message – the spoken and unspoken messages of your self-identity and self-esteem. These messages, either positive or negative, have become incorporated into how you feel about yourself.

Whether you were emotionally abused as a child or an adult, the messages were meant to belittle, devalue, shame, and ultimately control. Additionally, if those messages were given by the very people you looked to for love and guidance, the very one whose opinions you trusted, they have been given the appearance of validity and have added weight.

Emotional abusers have very select ways they use to control those they are abusing. The messages may differ slightly, but the ultimate goal of emotional abuse is control. By controlling those around them, abusers are attempting to control their circumstances and situations. By belittling those around them, abusers are attempting to make themselves feel better
The tragedy is that while sometimes these abusers are aware of what they are doing, often they are not. A habit of abuse has become a life pattern that is so comfortable, so normal for them, that they have stopped questioning the reasons behind their words and actions. As is so often the case in abuse, many abusers have a history of abuse in their own past and are acting out behavior that seems normal to them.

Whether it is a long-term abusive relationship or a onetime traumatic event of rejection that created a later resentment and unresolved anger, it is still damaging. It is vital that you identify it and learn how to deal with its consequences.

Acknowledging and becoming aware of abusive patterns in your life will lead to healing and the recovery process.

Click here to learn more about emotional abuse and get help if you need it.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 1 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.

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Overcoming: Unforgiveness

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

The number one thing I see people bring into the new year year  – and it’s usually not on any resolution list – is the whole thing of unforgiveness, of others or maybe even of yourself.

One in four adults are diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And I think we’re onto something when we see people come in and they’re depressed and they’re anxious and don’t know the real source of it. It’s buried in their history, and the roots of bitterness have taken a strong hold. And they don’t realize it’s this area of unforgiveness that needs attention. Well, its time to talk about setting yourself free.

There are three things that can destroy us: 1) anger and hurt (untreated), 2) pride – and pride takes many different forms, 3) and unforgivness. That’s coming from me, a counselor who has been working with people for 27 years.

Through forgiveness, I’ve seen lives change and people have been set free.

I think of a gal who, for 40 years, suffered with an eating disorder. She was in and out of treatment facilities, struggling with anorexia one month, bulimia the next. And after four decades of living this way it was at The Center where she had a revelation.

She said her father told her, since she was a little girl, that she was never going to amount to much. That she was a chubby little baby and would always live that way. She identified that root, that seed, that poison in her life, and by understanding that root – and coming from a place of forgiveness of a father who is long deceased – she was able to let that go.

Are you struggling with forgiveness, of yourself or others? If so, please share your story and/or question in the comments section of this post.

The above is an edited transcript of Dr. Gregory Jantz’s podcast on Unforgiveness (1-13-12), as heard on his Monday radio show, Overcoming. It airs every Monday at 1pm (PT) on www.kcisradio.com. Click here to subscribe.

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How To Keep Your New Year’s Resolution

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

If you’re like me, you have a resolution or two for the New Year. Hopefully no more than that, though, as the fewer you have, the more likely you are to keep them. Beyond limiting the number of resolutions, what is your strategy for carrying these best of intentions into 2012? The video below explores this very subject, outlining some of the ways to increase your chances of success in the New Year.

How To Keep Your New Years Resolution VIDEO

For instance, try:

1) Focusing on sticking to the resolution for just 21 days. Once you reach that point, you have a 60 percent chance of maintaining the goal long-term.

2) Remembering it’s all about progress, not perfection.

3) Calling it an “intention” instead of a resolution, as so many of us unfortunately associate New Year’s “resolutions” with failure.

Yesterday I participated in a Twitter chat exploring this very subject. ABC News Medical Editor Dr. Richard Besser @DrRichardBesser had some other great suggestions. “Start small, make it convenient, make it social and make it fun,” he tweeted. “Persistence. You have to be persistent in what you want and keep at it. Eventually the good habits stay.”

What’s your strategy for keeping your New Year’s “Intention”?

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Just a String of Bad Days or Depression?

Saturday, January 7th, 2012

How do you know when you’re depressed? How do you know if what you’re feeling is the normal consequence of your current circumstances in life? How do you know if it’s more than just having a string of lousy days?

Depression isn’t like a sprained ankle. With a sprained ankle, you are very much aware the moment it happens. People see you limping and ask you what’s wrong, and you think, “Isn’t it obvious? I sprained my ankle.”

It would be nice if depression were like a sprained ankle. Fixing a sprained ankle is pretty straightforward – bind it up to support it, and stay off it until it heals. But what do you do with depression when it’s hard for you to pinpoint where it really hurts and your life isn’t really something you can “stay off” of until you feel better.

Most people who experience symptoms of depression but keep powering on anyway get used to the feeling of walking around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. I means, it’s not the end of the world. The sun still comes up every morning, and so do they, in a manner of speaking. They’re still walking around, functioning at some level, even though walking feels like its through really thick sand that clings to their feet and makes each step an effort. They get used to thinking “This is just the way life is.” They stopped looking for happiness a long time ago. They’re just trying to make it through the detour of depression, who cares about the destination?

Here are the signs and symptoms of depression as outlined by the National Institutes of Mental Health:

- persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
- loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
- decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
- difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
- appetite and/or weight changes
- thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
- restlessness, irritability
- persistent physical symptoms

If you believe you are suffering from depression, take our depression survey, and know there is hope. I know because I’ve been through the valley myself.

This might be the greatest challenge of your life, but it is one that will renew your strength so that you will be able to “soar on wings like eagles…run and not grow weary…walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

The above is a compilation of excerpts from Dr. Gregory Jantz’s Moving Beyond Depression: A Whole-Person Approach, Happy for the Rest of Your Life, and Overcoming Anxiety, Worry and Fear: Practical Ways to Find Peace.

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