December &laquo; 2009 &laquo; A Place Of Hope News

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Resolving Anger, The Proverbs Series: Avoiding Strife (Proverbs 20:3)

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

Proverbs 20:3 — It is to a man’s honor to avoid strive, but every fool is quick to quarrel.

This is not the “doormat” proverb. It does not say that you should go about your life keeping your mouth shut in order to avoid problems. Rather, this verse cautions you to avoid strife.

Strife is defined as a “bitter sometimes violent conflict or dissention” and as as an “exertion or contention for superiority.” Strife is quarrel fueled by anger and hostility. As such, it will not produce the desired results of resolution. Instead, it fans the flames of conflict. It is to your credit to avoid it and find another way to get your needs met.

Monday: Proverbs 22:10

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Tags: Anger, Every Woman's Guide to Managing Your Anger, Gregory L. Jantz, hostility, Proverbs, Proverbs 20:3, quarrel, strife, The Center, The Center for Counseling and Health Resources
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Resolving Anger, The Proverbs Series: Protection or Destruction? (Proverbs 17:19)

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Proverbs 17:19 — “He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a high gate invites destruction.”

There are women I know, probably women you know, who love a good argument. It seems they like nothing better than to fight about nearly everything. If you are one of these women, you know deep down how much satisfaction you get out of unleashing your temper.

I want you to hear something: even if the source of your anger comes from sin committed against you, that does not absolve you from responsibility in how you conduct yourself and express your anger. If that were the case, then an abuser who was abused would be free from guilt. If that were true, no one could be held responsible for their own wrongful actions because everyone has been wronged by someone.

In order to heal and get over your anger, you need to start seeing it in its proper context — as a high gate you’ve built for protection. As this verse cautions, though a high gate does provide protection, it also invites destruction. If you doubt that, just think about the effect your anger has on those you love.

Ask yourself — is your anger protecting or destroying your family relationships?

Tomorrow: Proverbs 20:3

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Tags: Anger, destruction, Every Woman's Guide to Managing Your Anger, Gr, Gregory L. Jantz, guilt, protection, Proverbs, Proverbs 17:19, resolving, The Center, The Center for Counseling and Health Resources
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Resolving Anger, The Proverbs Series: Fighting Fairly (Proverbs 17:14)

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Proverbs 17:14 — “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”

Nowhere is this truer, I think, than in working with couples. If both people have unresolved relationships, starting a quarrel between them unleashes a torrent of hidden issues.

At times, my office has been flooded with accusations, recriminations, dire pronouncements, and tearful arguments. So many that it is difficult for the strength of the relationship to contain them all. That is why one of the skills I teach couples is how to “fight” fairly, passionately but also compassionately, truthfully but also gracefully. A knock-down-drag-out argument is simply not the most effective format for conflict resolution; instead it is a recipe for conflict conflagration.

Tomorrow: Proverbs 17:19

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Tags: Anger, Every Woman's Guide to Managing Your Anger, fighting, Gregory L. Jantz, Proverbs, Proverbs 17:14, The Center, The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, unresolved relationships
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Resolving Anger, The Proverbs Series: Calming Quarrels (Proverbs 15:18)

Monday, December 28th, 2009

When relationships are unresolved, they lead to unfulfilled desires. These unfulfilled desires are constantly agitating within you, battling your best efforts at personal peace, contentment, and happiness. This battle leaves you weary and wary, angry and frustrated, which leads you to fight and quarrel against yourself and others. Quarreling leads to a breakdown in relationship. Quarrels are often a red flag, pointing to diversionary anger.

The book of Proverbs has a good deal to say on the subject of quarrels:

Proverbs 15:18 — “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

Anger can produce a state of heightened anxiety and watchfulness. Anger can distort events and twist them into unintended shapes. Anger keeps you hot-tempered and itching for a fight, so much so that your attitude actually stirs up dissension. Being patient, however, is said to calm a quarrel. When you are able to turn your anger over to God, you are able to patiently wait for him to exact justice for you. Being patient keeps you calm and better able to realistically assess a given situation. Being calm leaves room for grace.

Tomorrow: Proverbs 17:14

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Tags: Anger, Every Woman's Guide to Managing Your Anger, Gregory L. Jantz, patient, Proverbs, Proverbs 15:18, quarrels, The Center, The Center for Counseling and Health Resources
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Prayer for the Power of Optimism, Hope & Joy

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Dear Father, help me to choose to live a life devoted to you, trusting you to protect me and alert to the blessings you bring each day into my life. I want to be able to get up each morning, to say and really believe “this is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24).

Just as I need your help, your strength, wisdom, and direction to get rid of my anger, to get rid of the bad things in my life, I need your help to fill up my life with good things. I confess I can be suspicious of good things. I confess sometimes I don’t want to accept good things because I don’t want to feel obligated to change and give up something else. Help me to unclench my hands of the things I think I need in order to be able to grasp hold of what you provide.

Father, you are a God of hope. I claim Romans 15:13 for myself: fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in you, so that I may overflow with hope and the power of the Holy Spirit.”

SOURCE: Chapter 11: “Living the Power of Optimism, Hope and Joy” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Click here to read Katie’s Story: Part I.

Tags: Anger, Every Woman's Guide to Managing Your Anger, God, Gregory L. Jantz, Holy Spirit, hope, joy, optimism, Prayer, Psalm 118:24, Romans 15:13, The Center, The Center for Counseling and Health Resources
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Resolving Relationships: Katie’s Story, Part II

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

Katie hadn’t worried about it much while still in school because the sheer busyness and activity level of college kept a lid on her weight. As soon as Katie graduated and got a job, however, things started to unravel. Even though she wanted to lose weight, she couldn’t seem to. The heavier she got, she worse she felt. Her weight became just another manifestation of her view of herself as “excess baggage.” The more out of control her life and her eating became, the angrier she got. The angrier she got, the more despair she felt. The more despair she felt, the deeper her depression. The more depressed she became, the harder it was to go to work and the easier it was to eat.

Katie dreamed of a new relationship but really had unresolved relationships to deal with first. She had to deal with the unresolved relationship with her father. Until she did this, she had an unresolved relationship with herself. Living within this fuzzy, unfocused, unresolved world was disconcerting, and in her discomfort Katie turned to food. In her despair, she stuffed her anger.

It took a great deal of courage for Katie to unpack her excess baggage. She had to open herself up to the pain of rejection and abandonment. She needed to go back and relive that horrible time in her life through the eyes of a young adult. She had to allow herself to grieve and mourn her loss, to be angry, without the familiar comfort of her old coping strategies. Once again, she needed to be vulnerable and experience the pain so she could move past it.

One of the hardest things Katie had to do was acknowledge the role her mother played in her pain. Up to this point, she had found solace in the camaraderie between herself and her mother. She was content to assign all the blame to her father and none to her mother. As she worked through the anger at her father, she discovered a deep well of resentment at her mother, kept locked away and hidden for years. Though her issues were painful and unsettling, Katie determined to get to the bottom of them and seek resolution. Hiding the pain and the anger was wreaking havoc in her life, just as she was on the cusp of really living it for yourself. Anger at others and shame at herself resolved into determination to change and move forward. As clarity came to her feelings about her parents, Katie was able to see herself more clearly. She learned who she really was and what she needed to do.

Katie’s story is not unique. It finds expression in most of the women I work with. If you have an unresolved relationship in your past, and it stays unresolved, it will cause your relationship with yourself to remain unfocused. When your relationship with yourself is unfocused, it will adversely affect every other relationship you have or will have.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Resolving Relationships: Katie’s Story, Part I

Monday, December 21st, 2009

Katie came to work with me originally because of depression and an eating disorder. Her mother was concerned because, at twenty-three, Katie was obese. She had a good job but was plagued by high absenteeism that threatened her employment. When she was at work, she was meticulous and thorough. But there were just too many days when she couldn’t seem to make it in. Her weight never seemed to go down. It would plateau for a time, but then Katie would have a “down time” and up it would creep.

Her mother wanted Katie “fixed” so she could be happy, attractive, and able to enter into a dating relationship, which somehow had eluded her during all of her high school and most of her college years. These were things Katie wanted also. She thought if she was more self-disciplined and went on a diet, this long-awaited relationship was sure to follow. What Katie came to realize was she couldn’t have a healthy new relationship until she worked through some old, unresolved ones.

When Katie was eight, her parents divorced. At the time, Katie was both devastated and relieved. She was devastated at the loss of her life as she knew it and relieved at an end to the yelling and fighting between her parents. Over and over again, her mother told her this was for the better. Her mother assured her they would all be much happier. Katie attempted to adjust as best she could, learning how to act when she visited her father and doing her best in school so he’d be proud.

The older she got, the more strained her relationship with her father became. He remarried and started another family. It was more difficult to go over to visit because Katie and her sister no longer had him to themselves. They became just another kid in the home, except they weren’t really like the other kids who actually lived there. It didn’t seem right to her that she spent less time with him than his stepdaughters did.

In middle school, it got even worse. Katie began to make excuses for why she didn’t want to go see him. Her mother completely took her side and intervened on her behalf. As much as she thought she really didn’t want to see him, it devastated her once again to realize he didn’t try very hard to change her mind.

From that point on, her relationship with him faded out to obligation and form. There were obligatory holiday get-togethers and cards around her birthday, but that was about it. Katie moved on with her life — or so she thought.

Inside Katie was furious at being abandoned so quickly, so effortlessly by someone she’d once loved with all her heart. She thought he had loved her but decided his love was mainly one of convenience. When it was convenient for him to love her and have a relationship with her, he did. When it became more difficult, he jettisoned her like so much excess baggage. That’s how Katie came to feel about herself — excess baggage. If she was “convenient,” she was lovable.

Stung by this view of herself, Katie turned to something else convenient to love; she turned to food. With food, she found a relationship she could control. Food was always there, always satisfying — at least for the moment. Whenever she felt fearful or stressed or inadequate or angry, she could always eat to feel better.

Tomorrow: Katie’s Story, Part II

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Tags: Anger, Depression, Eating disorders, Every Woman's Guide to Managing Your Anger, food, Gregory L. Jantz, relationships, The Center, The Center for Counseling and Health Resources
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Resolving Relationships: Moving Beyond the Anger

Friday, December 18th, 2009

When a relationship is infested with hidden anger and unexposed truths, it is an unresolved relationship. Unresolved relationships, as I said before, are a source of pain. It is important to remember, however, that bringing resolution to a relationship does not mean the relationship will be good or positive or perfect.

Bringing resolution to a relationship often means bringing clarity to that relationship. If the relationship is a hurtful or abusive one, bringing it into clearer focus will only make the reality of that truth more apparent. Resolving relationships does not whitewash them, it reveals them for what they are. When relationships are revealed for what they are, sometimes you must acknowledge difficult and hurtful truths. When relationships are revealed for what they are, they can finally be addressed.

Unresolved relationships cause pain. Pain produces anger. Anger keeps relationships unresolved. It would seem logical, then, that the way to deal with this cyclical equation would be to deal with the pain in order to resolve the relationship. This is where fear once again plays a pivotal role. You may be fearful if the source of your pain comes from deep within your family experience growing up.

Monday: Katie’s story.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

Tags: Anger, angry, Every Woman's Guide to Managing Your Anger, Gregory L. Jantz, pain, relationships, The Center, The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, truth
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Anger in Waiting: Connie’s Story

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

Connie glanced at the clock on the dresser, agitated by how late it was. Almost simultaneously she heard her husband call up to the bedroom from downstairs. Rob wanted to know when she’d be ready to leave, and it was obvious by his tone of voice he was irritated at her tardiness. He’d said to be ready at 5:30, and she still had six minutes left, according to the clock.

“I’m coming,” she yelled back, even as she pulled the dress over her head. She still had to finish her makeup and do something, anything, about her hair. Nothing was ever easy.

He called again from downstairs, and Connie felt a surge of anger. Why was he putting such pressure on her? What was the big deal if they were a few minutes late? This party was for Rob’s work. She didn’t even really want to go, but it was expected. As far as she was concerned, if they came late and left early, they were better off. She decided just to forget about it and hurriedly finished up. If being there on time was so important, then he’d just have to settle for what he got. This was as good as she was going to get, and if wasn’t good enough, that was his problem.

Inside the car, all was quiet. Rob thought about turning up the radio but decided against it. Instead, he concentrated on driving, bewildered at another of Connie’s “moods.” He never knew what triggered them because she refused to talk about them to him. He’d done or said something wrong, that was for sure. With a quick dart of his eyes, he glanced over at Connie to see if a thaw had started. Nope, she stared straight ahead, with that look on her face, not saying a word.

On the outside, Connie was quiet, but on the inside she was carrying on a passionate, angry conversation with herself. Her inner thoughts were a jumble of indignation, still blaming Rob for the pressure to be ready on time, to “perform” for his work.

Along with the anger was shame; Connie was ashamed to be so inadequate. She knew she didn’t look as good as she should. She always felt less than others thought she should be. She never could, it seemed, break out of the prison of other people’s expectations. Whenever she looked at herself through her eyes, she always came up short. It used to make her angry as a kid, and it hadn’t gone away as an adult. She knew she didn’t measure up, and that made her ashamed. At the same time, Connie hated being measured, and that made her mad.

At this point, everything made her mad.

SOURCE: Chapter 7: “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.