Archive for November, 2009

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What’s Stress Got to Do with It?

Monday, November 30th, 2009

Pamela sat alone downstairs in the darkened house, in an even darker mood. Her husband and kids were already upstairs, asleep in bed. It was going to be several hours before Pamela had the same luxury. Somehow, sensing her mood, the rest of the family sort of evaporated upstairs earlier in the evening, without so much as a “good night.” Of course, Pamela had several times during the course of the evening complained about how much work she had left to do. No one in her family operated under the illusion it was going to be a “good night” for Pamela.

Frankly, she was exhausted, having been out already three times this week with evening functions. It was Thursday and she absolutely, positively had to get this presentation put together for work on Friday. Time had just flat run out; unfortunately, so had her energy. Pamela sat at her desk, exhausted, unmotivated, and furious that the world got to rest when she couldn’t.

Her husband kept telling her to “let some things go,” as if she could. The work she did with the parent group at school was very important to her, as well as the things she did at church, but th0se things kept getting crowded out by all the other demands.

Women today are under stress. Stress is defined as when a force presses on, pulls on, pushes against, compresses, or twists something else. Many women can completely relate. It seems like life itself is pressing in on them, pulling them one way, pushing against them another, compressing them and twisting their life upside down. Frankly, they feel squished.

Tomorrow: The Pressure to Perform.

SOURCE: Chapter 5: “What’s Stress Got to Do with It?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Thanksgiving Prayer for Women

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Dear God, help me to know how much you love me. Help me to have the courage to follow your example of love and keep no record of wrongs. But first, help me to understand and know the true record of wrongs I’ve harbored in my heart. I need this truth to come out into the open. Give me the strength to swing wide the doors of my heart and let the light in. Give me the courage to face what’s inside. Give me the insight to know how to weave back together the fabric of my life with your love. You make all things new, Father. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew my spirit, as your Word says.

SOURCE: Chapter 4: “What’s Wrong with Keeping Score?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How to Neutralize the Negativity of Anger

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

The goal of love, according to the apostle Paul, is to keep no record of wrongs. This is no easy task. With so much anger and negativity in the world and with the added power of the negative to influence thoughts and feelings, you may be wondering how to counterbalance such a force. Paul says it’s necessary to experience and embody love.

I believe women have a deep desire to love, to love well, and to love better. This desire to love better is a powerful motivation to find a way to neutralize the negativity. Through intentionality and staying alert to yourself, you can develop strategies to neutralize negativity in your life and begin to reduce your backlog record of wrongs.

I have found the following to be effective:

  • Pick out the negative threads
  • Pounce on the positive threads
  • Treat yourself gently

For more in-depth discussion and real-world examples on how to neutralize negativity, I invite you to check out my new book, Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger. Certainly you are welcome to purchase a copy, BUT if you simply leave a comment on this blog post, or follow these instructions for my 30-Day Book Giveaway, you can enter to win a copy for free – personalized and autographed just for you!

SOURCE: Chapter 4: “What’s Wrong with Keeping Score?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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What Kind of Threads is Your Anger Holding Onto?

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

The fabric of your life is made up of all the threads you choose to hold on to. Every event, every circumstance, every impression produces a thread. Emotions too, including anger. It is important, therefore, to be intentional about the threads you choose to keep.

Rachel definitely kept a record of wrongs.

“Why do you kids keep asking me for things you know you can’t have? You drive me crazy with your constant whining!” Rachel hissed loudly at her children in the grocery store, visibly frustrated and upset.

Ethan and Emily followed behind their mother, with a shared understanding there would be no more “requests” during this shopping trip. If they were lucky, she would be over her anger by the time they got home. Until then, they walked carefully, on guard and watchful of her temper.

Up ahead, Rachel fumed. It was hard enough putting food on the table without these constant demands for more things from the kids. They had no idea what it was like to have to stretch a dollar and keep track of every purchase.

As she neared the checkout line, she looked back to see where the kids were. They were there, trailing behind as usual. Part of her was glad the kids seemed to read her mood and give her lots of space; she felt bad about yelling at them. Part of her wished they would ask for something else, so she could relieve some of the pressure building up. It wasn’t fair she had to hold it all in herself.

This reaction, or overreaction, is often referred to as pushing someone’s buttons. This is the bitter pool that negativity draws from. The deeper the pool, the greater the flood when released. The greater the flood, the more positives it takes to dam up and contain the bitter waters again. The kids’ questions punched Rachel’s button. The result was not good for anyone.

Tomorrow’s Post: How women like Rachel can neutralize negativity.

SOURCE: Chapter 4: “What’s Wrong with Keeping Score?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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What’s Wrong with Keeping Score?

Friday, November 20th, 2009

Most women act as the family “historian,” with an uncanny ability to recall details and events in complete clarity and focus. Women are record keepers. This is a wonderful quality and one I’ve relied on over the years. If I fail to recollect an event or remember a name or recall an important point, I go to my wife, LaFon. If it’s something from my youth, it’s as close as a call to my mother, Judy. For both of them, whatever I can’t remember is usually on the tip of their tongue, and the memory comes rushing out as clear and crisp as an autumn day.

This amazing ability, however, has a dark side for women. Women can take it and use it to remember every injury or insult, every unkind word or misunderstood event, every vacant stare or broken promise – in short, every wrong ever perpetrated against her. As James 3:14 says, this type of negativity often finds safe “harbor” in your heart. But, what if a misspoken word is just that? What if an unfulfilled promise was a simple mistake? What if event Z has no valid connection to event A? A single act today, woven together with all the rest, can create a tattered cloth of anger, outrage, and indignation.

Rachel’s story tomorrow.

SOURCE: Chapter 4: “What’s Wrong with Keeping Score?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Prayer for Truth in the Face of Anger

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

Holy Father, I know there is no shadow of falsehood in you. You are truth itself and want me to live in truth. I ask you to hold my hand as I walk through discovering the truth in my own life and thoughts.

I confess I have wanted my false assumptions more than I wanted the truth.

Give me courage and peace to accept the truth because sometimes the truth really hurts. Be with me when I hurt because of the truth. Heal me when I hurt because of the truth. Strengthen me with the understanding that truth is important to you so it needs to be important to me. Remind me of the truth of your love, grace, and forgiveness as the underlying truth of all else.

Teach me your truth, Father.

Set me free.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “How Do Unfulfilled Expectations Affect Anger?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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How to Counter Wishful Thinking with the Truth

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Colleen was angry because life, her life, seemed totally out of her control, as if there was some sort of malevolent puppet master manipulating the strings of her life to send her falling on her face and crashing into obstacles.

Without even really being aware of them, Colleen was influenced by key assumptions she held about herself, about life, which led to her wishful thinking and unrealistic expectations. These were deeply rooted in her sense of self and perceptions of the world.

Colleen believed:

  • I need to be perfect to be happy.
  • When I am upset, it is the responsibility of others to comfort me.
  • When others harm me, it is intentional.
  • When I harm others, it is a mistake.
  • The more intense my pain or discomfort, the less the rules apply to me.
  • I deserve to be taken care of by others.
  • Others must carry my burdens for me.
  • If I am angry, no one else has the right to be.

Colleen based her life on false assumptions that she developed when she was growing up. The more time and energy she put into the wishful thinking of these false assumptions, the less able she was to see and operate within the truth.

Wishful thinking springs from pain, disillusionment, misunderstanding, and longings from the past. As such, they are amazingly powerful illusions. I have known women who have lived with them. Clouding their lives for decades.

It takes courage, perseverance, and faith to come to an understanding of the falsehoods in your life so you can begin to counter them with the truth. The only thing powerful enough to do this, I firmly believe, is God’s Spirit. God’s Spirit is called “the Spirit of truth” (John 14:16). In order to overcome the false assumptions underlying her wishful thinking and unrealistic expectations, Colleen needed a dose of the truth from God’s Spirit, revealed in God’s Word.

As we learn throughout the Bible:

  • Happiness comes from inner contentment.
  • When you are upset, you are able to find comfort within yourself.
  • When you are harmed by others, the actions can be either intentional or accidental and more often than not require grace.
  • It is possible to harm other people even when you don’t want to and perhaps more importantly when you do want to.
  • The standards of conduct in life and relationships apply to all circumstances, including times of distress and discomfort.
  • Your greatest fulfillment will come when you serve others, as exemplified by Christ.
  • As you learn to shoulder your own load, you gain strength to help shoulder the load of others.
  • People often react to the anger of others by being angry themselves. This only results in nonproductive arguments.

This is your Season of Truth. It may not be what you consider an ideal time, but whenever you recognize your anger as an issue, it’s the right time to deal with it.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “How Do Unfulfilled Expectations Affect Anger?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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Unfulfilled Expectations to the Extreme: What Esau Teaches Us About Anger

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” ~Genesis 27:41

One reason you get angry is because life hasn’t turned out like you expected – unfulfilled expectations. Perhaps for you there was supposed to be a knight in shining armor, meaningful and rewarding work, an attentive spouse, a white picket fence, happy and obedient children. Adulthood was supposed to mean you were finally in control. Instead, it appears you’ve been sold a huge bill of goods that’s anything but good. If you’re angry about it, get in line. The line for “it wasn’t supposed to turn out like this” is a long one. Just get in line, right behind Esau.

Esau was supposed to have the preeminent position in his family. As the firstborn, he was to receive the birthright, which was established in Deuteronomy 21:15-17. The birthright was a double portion of inheritance. But instead, the birthright went to his twin brother, Jacob, who was born second. Esau, as the firstborn, expected to receive his father’s primary blessing prior to his death. Instead, Jacob received the first blessing. Things didn’t turn out as Esau had expected, and he became angry, bitter, and bent on murder.

In the anger and bitterness over unfulfilled expectations, most women don’t resort to murdering others; most will merely kill off their own ability to be happy.

Colleen’s story tomorrow.

SOURCE: Chapter 3: “How Do Unfulfilled Expectations Affect Anger?” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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19 Signs You are Venting Anger

Monday, November 16th, 2009

On Friday I talked about 14 ways your hidden anger may be manifesting itself. So what can be said of anger that is vented and released?

Vented anger, because of its “out there” nature, can be much easier to identify. However, many people still attempt to diffuse it by calling it other names, as you saw briefly in the earlier chapter. I’d like you to take a look at the following list of words and mark any you identify as part of your anger repertoire. Again, be honest and bold. If you have a loved one or close friend, consider asking him or her to look over the list and discuss it with you. Other people are a good barometer of what you aren’t able to recognize in yourself.

Do you often feel …

1)      Disappointed

2)      Bitter

3)      Resentful

4)      Critical

5)      Controlling

6)      Hostile

7)      Mean

8)      Sarcastic

9)      Frustrated

10)  Insecure

11)  Victimized

12)  Destructive

13)  Anxious

14)  Irritable

15)  Impatient

16)  Blaming

17)  Manipulative

18)  Selfish

19)  Prideful

All of these can be ways of expressing anger. Look over your list and answer the following questions:

  • What do you tell yourself when you feel this way?
  • Does your thought life escalate or deescalate your feelings?
  • How do you feel after you express these feelings?
  • How do you feel about yourself?
  • How do you feel about anyone else involved?
  • How do you feel physically?
  • How long does it take you to get over the feelings?
  • Do you “replay” the event and the feelings inside your head?
  • Are you ashamed of how you reacted?
  • Are you remorseful over how you reacted?
  • If you could get rid of one of these reactions, which one would it be and why?

Be aware of your anger levels over the next several weeks. Again, write down, if you’re able, what you feel and any reasons you determine for feeling that way. Note any out-of-line or extreme reactions or feelings. Be sure to write these down for more examination, thought, and prayer.

SOURCE: Chapter2: “The Root of Destructive Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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14 Ways Your Hidden Anger May Be Manifesting Itself

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Even if you hide your anger, you are still spending time and energy on it. Following are some ways I’ve observed hidden anger manifested:

  1. Procrastination in the completion of tasks, especially ones you don’t like or want to do
  2. Habitual lateness
  3. Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy
  4. Overpoliteness, constant cheerfulness (fake), attitude of “grin and bear it” but internally resenting it
  5. Frequent sighing
  6. Smiling while hurting
  7. Overcontrolled monotone speaking voice
  8. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams
  9. Difficulty in getting to sleep or staying asleep, with thoughts going around in your head keeping you awake
  10. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about (depression from internalized anger)
  11. Slowing down of movements, especially when doing things you don’t want to do
  12. Getting tired more easily than usual
  13. Excessive irritability over trifles
  14. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching, and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally

In other words, burying anger does not diffuse it; rather, it tunnels it underground, where it undermines your sense of self and manifests in damaging ways. Sometimes, the need to deny the strength of, or even existence of, anger is so powerful that you create the capacity to deny the anger even exists. But the force of anger will find other, secondary outlets.

SOURCE: Chapter2: “The Root of Destructive Anger” in Every Woman’s Guide to Managing Your Anger by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD., founder of The Center for Counseling and Health Resources Inc.

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